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Why are we trying to regulate something that is at best subjective and,at worst, arbitrary and utterly meaningless?
Yes, I think that communication is key and both parties should be aware of expectations and locale for a date.
But, to split hairs between “dressy” and “wedding” clothes is both ridiculous and demeaning to both the women and the relationship you are hoping to create.
Say you’re going out to coffee, or even out to dinner. If she is hygienic and inoffensive (ie, not wearing hiking boots to a restaurant) then that should really be okay with everyone. Both the man and the woman should dress nicely within their comfort zone, for if she goes wildly out of her way to appear a stunner, how awkward will it be post-wedding when she is far more casual?
Because (and this may shock you) there are MANY women that care less about their looks than their personalities, and if that offends the male (perhaps due to the females around whom HE was raised) then either its not a shidduch, or its an issue that deserves a solid conversation.
Remember, sof kol sof, its a man and woman, really a boy and a girl, deciding to spend the rest of their lives together.
Don’t distract them with foolish rules. Its not fair.
Happiest, I can not say much on this subject but I can say one thing.
Unless you believe that there are others currently and actively in harms way, you should NEVER feel “pushed” to do anything you do not feel comfortable doing, especially not in a public forum.
And there are many ways to, if you feel comfortable, report a situation with minimal personal exposure.
It is a terrible thing that shame follows exposure, but it being a reality, there are ways to circumvent publication whilst still getting the help all parties require.
Good luck, my friend.
Middlepath, I admire your fortitude and courage to post your story.
I was also pleasantly surprised and very impressed that you are choosing not to publicize your story further for, although on the one hand I do want everyone to see this and reconsider actions based on instinctual response, I think we’re all aware that stories like this can easily become only fodder for rabbi/jewish community bashing.
And that would be a terrible way to cheapen your pain.
You mentioned, though, that you think the Rabbis handled your father well. I’m glad, but do you have any ideas as to how your family could have been handled better?
Because the fact is, there are valid concerns. You seem healthy and sane, but many people from disturbing family situations do often come with tremendous baggage. While I would never espouse communal shunning as a response to anything out of the individual’s control, I wonder what else people should be expected to do.