Ofcourse

Midos, midos, midos.

Not enough focus on them in school and at home. If we only checked our Midos as thoroughly as we check our vegetables.

Im in agony here. I feel very ignored. It’s my turn! Btw has anyone attempted to describe AZ?

AZ, whether right or wrong, most of my friends and acquaintances would never dabble in Shidduchim, no matter what the financial gain might be. Maybe theres another breed of people somewhere who can be introduced to it.

Gabboim, so you’ve got a great circle! I know lots of people struggling with no one redding their good kids Shidduchim.

Unfortunately the really successful and well known Shadchanim, rarely return phone calls. They get too many a day. That is where the problem lies. The Klal needs some other mode of operation. While I agree with what AZ says, I think the tragic shortage of reachable successful Shadchanim is a great part of the problem.

Sac, you obviously have a dislike for all/most Shadchanim. So do I! Especially the ones who mistreated me or my children! I hate them, hate them, hate them! Im sure there are those who hate me… What can I say?!? It’s a thankless job, in cases where you havent hit it right, and that’s unfortunately most cases….People feel if the Shadchanim only tried harder they’d be married, it’s the Shadchanim’s fault.

Now, please take out your magic wand, Sac. Let’s eliminate every single of the lousy Shadchanim (including myself). Let’s get them out of the picture. Done. Now, how would you suggest singles in the frum community meet, starting today?

IMHO, the excellent posts here, of which there are many, deserve to be Quotable Quotes and gathered and published as observations on life from the wise, and here’s three I especially love:

Thank you, bein_hasdorim:

In the heim there was no such thing as people living like

Ashirim if they werent rich, this in my humble opinion

started a chain of events that lead to many problem in this generation.

Thank you, yael.e:

May the shallow guys find their shallow zivug and live happily ever after shallow lives.

Thank you, eclipse:

I guess the trick is to maintain that humility even while enjoying good looks,and other gifts from Hashem.

dunno, “because it’s unfair to girls to have to strive to be what boys want”

I dont think youll find a Shadchan alive who will deny that the guys generally get girls who very much surpass the guys’ quality. The guys have been getting the better end of the deal for a long time now. Now you want girls to try h a r d e r??? What are the guys doing?

dunno, “If the girl and guy are okay with it, who cares? (Besides AZ who’s gonna start with the age gap”.

How about the undersigned Gedolim and last but not least Hashem. Marrying a girl similar in age isnt one of the clearly stipulated 613, but is a definite help towards easing the Crisis.

pet peeve, Yasher Koach! Im sure you struck a chord in lots of hearts. It is what it is, and it’s time we admitted it.

Do all of these demands lead to more stable marriages? Really now.

gregaaron, “There may be more older girls than boys, but for each one it’s a crisis. If anything, it’s tougher for a boy, because an older girl doesn’t get labeled the way an older boy does”

None, not even one, well maybe one or two, of the older girls have a selection (what a menu) like most of the older guys who have dated upwards of 200 girls and are not attracted to anyone.

Major difference!

pumper, “chances are that they are being extremely picky, because I am sure they are being redt to many many girls”.

Right! I personally know many many guys who went out with at least 200 girls by the time they reached their upper twenties. They feel it’s not their fault they dont feel attracted to any of them. When did anyone EVER hear of that in previous generations?….Doros Holchos U Mismaatos.

Personally, I’m married B”H, but when I was single, sure Id date a smoker, if he’s wealthy, in his nineties, has loads of life insurance, and will only smoke in the basement of the mansion we buy.

Id ask Dovid Hamelech to divulge and clarify the part of the Torah that solves the Shidduch crisis- Hafoch Ba V Hafoch Ba D Kula Ba.

I chose that crisis over others because with health crises- no one lives forever, with financial crises, I feel the misery involved doesnt cause the kind of heartbreaking pain as the Shidduch Crisis does, which exists in a very great percentage of Litvish homes, probably more widespread than the other crises.

Does anyone really think that the rate of divorce is higher among Shidduchim suggested by professionals? Do more serious problems arise in marriages arranged by professionals? Are people more likely to stay married, when problems arise, because the Shidduch was red by a friend or relative? I dont think so…. I dont think there’s any connection.

Wow, what a great post! I think everyone tries to analyze their life, actions, G-d given talents and the effect they have and could have on others and the world. Some see it with more clarity and are therefore able to adapt and modify as they go along.

Some of the best people I know, privately “move mountains”, and dont look for notoriety. They dont need it, they dont want it. If we would try to emulate those, the world would be a better place.

From what I’ve seen and heard, knowing very well many girls in their mid to upper twenties, unless they’re lucky enough to date guys close in age, THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS!!!!, but, by and large the guys who are approaching 30, either have commitment issues, are impossible to please, arent sure they want or need to get married period, or have a hidden or not so hidden mental or physical issue, to name some issues. From the girls and the mothers Ive spoken to, who have dated these guys, the girls decide rather than marry a guy who is damaged goods, they’ll stay single.

No marriage is better than a marriage from hell and the hellish experience of bringing children into such a marriage.

Anyone disagree?

Thats why it’s imperative for a girl to find a Shidduch young, and very sad when she hasnt, because the “normal” choices diminish GREATLY with each passing year. It really is like the game of musical chairs, with less and less “normal, usable” chairs as time goes on. No one wants or needs a problematic chair that will collapse upon use.

Dont waste your time arguing that the remaining girls have issues as well. Possibly, but at a tiny fraction relative to the guys.

Some points:

The longer we discourage college education, the more we’ll have program “shtick” and the associated Chilul Hashem, etc.

Some of the very Chareidi Brooklyn girls’ schools (except for Chassidish), are today offering courses specifically for college credits, which tells me that there has been discussion with Gedolim. These schools dont make a step without Atzas Gedolim.

I’ve personally had a discussion with the Novominsker Rebbe regarding college individuals. Perhaps his own grandchildren dont go, but he certainly doesnt look down at it as Treif and the death of someone’s spirituality.

Most importantly, why hasnt anyone mentioned Rav Pam ZT”L, in my opinion a Gadol B’Gedolim, who was very ok with college?

BPT, how very lovely, all your imagine scenes.

Now what if you were not that nuts over the guy or girl in the first place, and you have a child who has severe physical handicaps, husband is out of work for 2 years with no end in sight, one spouse develops severe physical or mental issues, widening Hashkafic differences, spiraling cost of living, flared temper/s, a woman who cant tell the difference between clean and dirty with original ideas on what tasty foods are, and a mother in law who wants to blame everything on the other side, or maybe two such mothers in law, imagine that or worse.

Not that lovely.

The not so strong foundation, much more quickly crumbles.

All of a sudden all the things the single might have spent many years searching and dreaming for in a spouse amount to nothing because most importantly, they needed Midos, flexibility and maturity!

Yonatan Sheinfeld

BPT “But you don’t go to gehenom for broswing/ downloading 1500+ cc cookie recipes”

ROFL!