Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
chasid-of-Hashem: Do a search on the mostlymusic.com site for Shea Rubinstein. It will show his CD “Ohavati”. Click on the word “Ohavti” next to the picture of the CD. That will bring you to a page which plays parts of his songs. Scroll down and you will see the video.
It was very moving.
mom12: Happy birthing day to you! 😉
toomuch00: Happy birthday!
Since many of you are speculating about what was said and what was asserted or endorsed at the YU gathering, I just wanted to clarify a few things about it.
As I wrote above, I read most of the manuscript from the gathering. There was no discussion of whether they resist temptation or not. I think they davka excluded that from the discussion. Basically, in a nutshell, the main point was for the 4 young men to tell people that it was not something that they chose for themselves, they tried to deny it to themselves, tried dating/liking girls, but eventually realized that it is what they are.
Dr. Pelcovitz made a statement at the end that, if the mods would allow, I will include it as part of my post to clarify what their stance is regarding the young men, halacha, and the gathering. Otherwise many things you are all asserting is just based on guessing and speculation.
Dr. Pelcovitz: There were four very eloquent voices that we just heard and what I was struck by was how different each of the voices was and how different each of the stories was and how incredibly complex the journey was. And I just want to make a few brief points. The program is not really meant to hear from a psychologist and certainly is not meant to hear from anyone other than the four men you just heard from.
Mod 42: Wow! You brought them both out!
You are GOOD.
BTW, they were all FFBs. One from a yeshivish home.
There is a manuscript of the gathering on blogspot. I read much of it. The gathering was mainly 4 frum young men who told their own personal stories and struggles about realizing they were “different”. Pretty sad really. I feel bad for them.
Health: To happiest,
Day to day isn’t that important, it’s the long run. Even people without illness have ups and downs. Make sure your meds are working and you are going to your therapist at least once a week.
I’ve have to second that.
I will say kapitlach 1-10 dedicated to her. Would anyone else take on a few kapitlach, as well?
Yoshi: May Aliza Chaya bas Malka Chana have a refuah shelaimah min hashamayim b’soch shaar cholei amo Yisroel.
I agree. Especially an institution with a name like YESHIVA University.
Mod 42: LOL! Very cute
But you’re right. Only about 1/3 to 1/2 had anything Jewish about it, depending on the interpretation ;).
Maybe I should consider changing my SN to NYiddishe Momma?
Good to hear that today is a better day. 🙂
Well, I have not been around so long, but I do recognize many of the names you listed, Mod 42.
We all have to remember that pple have lives outside of the CR and change happens. Sometimes sad, but change can be good, too. 🙂
And by the way, in my son’s yeshiva, I don’t see ANY bochurim hanging out smoking outside yeshiva, as the hanhalah strongly discourages it. So if our yeshiva can do it, every yeshiva can!
bombmaniac: fine but dont try to justify WHY people smoke. lets just deal with it…and you know, just because something IS, does NOT mean it HAS to be!
I agree! Yeshivas should work on changing the attitude of smoking being acceptable. In fact, if a boy smokes, that should LOWER his chashivus in the eyes of his peers and the hanhalah. “V’nishmartem meod l’nafshoseisem” isn’t just a nice posuk to quote to your small children, but should be something we actually live by – especially with regards to smoking. Who in this day and age can say, with a straight face, that smoking is not detrimental to one’s health?
Just wanted to get this thread back up on the big board with another safety tip regarding the snow:
If you are out there shoveling with your kids, please make sure to set guidelines about keeping one’s distance from swinging shovels. Some shovels are metal or tipped with metal and if a child gets too close they can c”v get hurt.
Also, please see this post about shoveling and putting out salt to prevent ice and accidents resulting from slipping on ice.
Thanks.
Happiest: How are you doing? I have been thinking about you and hope you are feeling better.
Jewess: A. “Tam” or more correctly “taam” means flavor or taste.
B. I agree with you about that.
aj_briskdude: I’m not buying it. You’re making a false postulation.
I am really enjoying it! Great idea!
oomis1105: I agree there is no question it is assur. That is not the question. The question asked was “Why?” What makes it a toeiva – that is, what makes it so bad? In this society, where almost everything is accepted and acceptable, it is not difficult to understand that someone would be puzzled as to why it is something so wrong. That is what I was asking about.
Also, why should we care if the secular world legalizes this type of union? That is where the gemara/medrash comes in. It discusses, if I remember correctly from a shiur, why the legalization of toeiva marriage is deleterious to society.
Anyone have any insight regarding this?
Getting back to the original intent of the thread, could someone elaborate further on the gemara?/medrash? which talks about why secular courts making toeiva marriage legal is detrimental to society? I’m not talking opinion. I’m speaking specifically about what the gemara says regarding this. Someone asked me about it and I just heard things in shiurim here and there.
Thanks in advance.
bein_hasdorim: 1)Either start hinting to your (mother) or father rather, men are more rational, and wont be ruled by emotion, which will make your message easier to sink in. M
Um…bein_hasdorim…no feminist here, but speaking as a rationale female…I think you should have just said “whichever parent you think would be able to accept this information in a more calm and reasonable fashion”. Not only would that have been less prejudiced, but it also would have been more practical…Just sayin’! 😉
Sad to think that a daughter does not feel comfortable telling her parents what she is really feeling and what she really wants in a shidduch. It may not be what the parents expected for her, but she is looking for a frum, ehrliche Yid, after all. So sad she feels like there is “no solution” and “can’t see myself bringing this issue up in an actual conversation” with her parents.
It should be a wake up call to ALL parents to make sure that the lines of communication are open with their children! And that they are not imposing their will onto their children, especially in the area of shidduchim.
Parents: Let’s all have that conversation with our children. “I am here for you! I want you to feel comfortable sharing anything that’s bothering you…”
Definitely Mama Rochel sung by Yaakov Shwekey. First thing that came to my mind.
Also, Avraham Fried – Father Don’t Cry. I believe that is the name, about our Father (Hashem) crying , always moves me.
I also love Bilvavi Mishkan Evneh. Those words are so meaningful and powerful, I chose it at my wedding to walk down the aisle.
Cheerful: I can’t see myself bringing this issue up in an actual conversation. My parents and family don’t dream that I’d be happy with something else. It’ll be a total shock for them… Never mind the whole conversation. I first need to get the message across that I’m not at the point where they believe I am…
And to get such a conversation running would require lots of tact, thought AND courage. I can’t see myself doing it. Its a real tough situation…
I don’t know you or your parents, but as a mother myself, I can say that I would want my children to be HAPPY with whomever they marry.
Do you think it will be better for you to keep dating the same type of guy and keep turning them down one by one? You said you were older already when you started dating because of older siblings. Please consider that as you move along in your dating career, you are not getting younger. How long are you going to keep up the facade? How much time will you allow to go by?
Keep in mind that 1) It is not really fair to boys you are dating to go out with them, if you know that it is not what you want; 2) Won’t it be painful and frustrating for your parents to keep sending you out on date after date, and wondering why no one is working out? 3) Will you just give in and accept a guy you are not really going to be happy with, just to make everyone else happy? Or will you eventually decide that you have to tell your parents that this is not what you want? Wouldn’t it be better to have that conversation NOW rather than in a year or two of pointless dating?
Just something to think about.
Happiest: Have you tried incorporating exercise into your schedule?
Not only is it healthy for you in general, they say that exercise releases endorphins, which can improve a person’s mood and give you a general feeling of well being. In fact, they link these endorphins to what they call the “runner’s high”. (Yoshi would know more about that!)
But if you haven’t tried this, maybe it would be a good idea to join a gym, buy an exercise DVD, ask Yoshi’s advice on running, or whatever, as long as you are exercising and doing it on a regular basis. Hope that is helpful to you.
I, too, wholeheartedly agree you there, BP Totty!
Cheerful: Please be strong and do not give in to peer or family pressure to marry who THEY think you should marry. YOU are the only one who can know who is for you. And YOU will be the one to live with that person.
Why is it so terrible to look for someone who is a baal middos, an ehrliche Yid, but serves Hashem by working and being koveah itim laTorah?
You must tell your parents to please look for the type of person YOU NEED! I really feel for you. May the Ribono shel olam, the One who is m’shadaich all shidduchim, send you your zivug hagun b’karov!
happiest: Thanks NY MOM- you don’t know how good that actually made me feel!
You’re welcome and I’m glad I was able to make you feel good!
Medication is hard for me. I always hated it and I guess I don’t like it anymore since I don’t feel like it’s helping me at all.
This is the strongest reason you could possibly give to try a new medication. What’s the point of taking medicine if it is not helping you?! Sorry if it sounds like I am harping on this issue. I am just saying to you what I would say to my loved one who has the same problem.
I’m not strong because if I was then I’d call my therapist and tell her about my severe issues that I’m having but I’m to scared to do so:(
If you need to call your therapist, then call her! What is there to fear from her? And if you are fearful of what your therapist will say about this, instead of expecting support/help from her, it may be time to find a new therapist.
Thank you so much to YWN for <a=href http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/news/General+News/43216/Important+Safety+Messages+For+Chanukah.html>this message about safety!
Yasher koach and a freilichen Chanuka!
Happiest: I know it takes time to find just the right meds for oneself, but it is worth it. People don’t realize that doctors who deal with this are just using a lot of trial and error. But think of it this way: Once you get the right medication or combination of meds it will help you a lot more.
BTW, though you said that you don’t feel strong, I must say that I admire you for starting this and the other thread (support group one), and I really think it was courageous of you. Really! Some would feel uncomfortable doing so, even in an anonymous forum like this. So I believe that you are stronger than you think. And you are probably helping others who are reading this, but don’t have the courage to post. Chazak V’amatz!
Happiest: Hang in there! Sometimes the going is tough, but sounds like you have a support system for yourself.
I have someone close to me who is clinically depressed and takes meds for it. Maybe your doctor can adjust your medication? Or try a different one? Everyone’s body chemistry is different and some medicines work for one but not another. Or if you just started your medicine it might take time for your body to adjust.
Hope that is helpful!
I wish you only the best. A freilichen chanuka! 🙂
Bombmaniac is right. They shouldn’t be throwing anything out of the window at pple! You could have gone into the school and spoken to the school guard and reported it. You might not have known, but at the entrance of any PS, there is a guard having pple sign in if they are there to see someone. You are right to be upset about the seforim, but they could have really hurt someone by throwing any object out of the window at pple’s heads. Of course, hindsight is 20/20.
itsallyourfault: You’re welcome 🙂
I really wish you hatzlochoh and you should find your zivug hagun b’karov!
BP Totty and gavra_at_work: I disagree with this. He should first check with the original shadchan to see if he would be willing to contact her, before going to look for a 2nd shadchan.
itsallyourfault: I am speaking from personal experience here. When I was dating, I was once approached by a shadchan (the original shadchan who knew e/t about the shidduch) to “try it again” one year later since both of us were still single. I thought about it, but said “no”. It would have been so uncomfortable had he just called me out of the blue and I had to say “no” to him directly.
IMO, just let the shadchan do the explaining. You can even write it out for the shadchan, so that what you are trying to say is crystal clear , but I’d stick with the shadchan as the go-between. Or when the shadchan calls her to ask her if she would be willing to try again, you can have the shadchan say that you would be willing to go into more detail in an email and see if she would be open to that.
It may be difficult for him now, but it would be the smoking that could literally “kill him” (c”v) if he didn’t do it now.
You are also saving him money and if he is in the parsha of shidduchim, a non-smoker is usually preferred by girls and their families.
Tizke l’mitzvos!
I often hear stories of people who go out again and end up getting engaged the second time around. My advice is to approach the shadchan and ask if he/she could contact the girl and see if she would agree to go out again. I don’t think there is a certain amount of time you need to wait, just have the shadchan feel it out rather than you calling her directly yourself. It is better that way because if the girl is busy or really would not consider it again, it is less awkward.
Hope that helps and hatzlochoh!
ICOT: I’m not sure to which thread you are referring (debit card thread?), but I stand by my assertion!
I would also like to mention that I look forward to seeing what oomis1105 has to say about any given topic, as I find her outlook very down-to-earth. She also has a punny sense of humor and is respectful 🙂
Also, I usually enjoy reading posts from the moderators, as I find they are really funny – sometimes outrageously so! They are respectful (on the whole ;), and usually make good points.
I really enjoy reading posts from I can only try. He not only has a good sense of humor, but argues respectfully.
oomis1105: Do you think that is what I was implying?
Why do pple keep saying that they are going out without a shadchan? The aunt is the shadchan!
I know of plenty of shidduchim that were made by amateur shadchanim – friends, family members, etc. It is ridiculous to say that they cannot date because their initial contact just happened to be the flat tire incident! Once they became aware of each other, they used a shadchan to set up the date – the boy’s aunt who just happened to be the girl’s neighbor. According to what telegrok has described, and as far as we know, nothing assur occurred here.
I wish them hatzlochoh in finding their true zivugim, and if it just happens to be each other, they have a great story to tell their kids iy”H!
Please keep us posted!
Pookie: You really think the reason your friend is leaving frumkeit is because he has a facebook page?
smileyface: You have a very good attitude towards finding your bashert. Hashem should help you find your zivug hagun b’karov!
As far as you classmates are concerned, I would say that when they avoid you, they are feeling uncomfortable and don’t know what to say to you, so they just try to get out of the situation however possible. If you do bump into one of your classmates, take the lead and just start speaking naturally to them about topics that are comfortable for you.
I’m sorry that you felt left out at the class reunion. But try to understand that reunions are occasions to “catch up” with each other, tell others what’s going on in your life – and husbands and babies are part of what is happening in their lives. Now, they should be sensitive to you and make sure to show an interest in what you are doing, and they should understand you haven’t yet reached that stage of a husband and children, but there should be understanding from you, as well.
Also, please see the recent thread regarding a new shidduch website called http://www.shidduchworld.org.
Hope this helps you and hatzlochoh rabbah!
YW Moderator-99: Of course, there are other possibilities why the # 77 was chosen. It could be applicable to Mod 77 as he/she is a Lubavitcher chosid, as in 770. I could come up with other guesses, as well…but I won’t 🙂
To .ch: I have never heard of pple nixing a shidduch because the bochur has smoked sometime in the past. I think that if someone was able to overcome the addiction of smoking, that shows incredible strength of character.
However, I have heard of cases where the guy claims that he doesn’t smoke or “gave up smoking”, and then after marriage resumes smoking, so that the wife who did not want to marry a smoker is now married to a smoker. So there are both perspectives to take into acct.
But your recommendation of finding out [from reliable sources!] that he has stopped for a year is a good one, IMO.
I was told that there are various settings that one can set on one’s facebook account, which controls who can see your infomation. For ex: You can set your acct so that pple cannot access you facebook page unless they are your “friend” and only you can allow who are your friends. You can even set it so that your page will not show up in a general search.
However, as youdontknowme said above, there are always pple looking to hack into private accts for whatever reason, so that’s something to think about when putting up private info onto the internet.
Welcome Mod 77!