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By the way, my original post was just a joke coming off the original post, which I see is now deleted. I do have a hard time getting up, but I am not yet married. Just for the record. Mods, you can delete my original post, lest I mislead.
There is actually a great website that I use often. thefreedictionary.com. If you spend a few minutes there a day it will improve your vocab. They have quizzes, new word of the day, and lots more.
When you see an interesting word that you appreciate, add it to “my word list”. You can then go them over every so often and your vocab will grow. Another thing is that you should customize the page to your liking. You can knock out boxes that you know you wont be using in future visits so your page isn’t clogged. You’ll understand when you check out the website.
I highly recommend this site to everyone out there. Check it out.
I’m sorry about your loss and I understand and feel your feelings. My initial thought without thinking is as follows. I feel that you have a legitimate point but the blame is on society as a whole.
Through recent technology we have developed into a fast paced, self centered people. Myself included. Family time is a thing of the past, as we are so busy with work, our blackburies (as I like to call it being that it buries its users alive), etc.
This mindset pervades, and creeps into every part of our community. The Rabonim did not choose this path but rather the mindset of the community influences everyone. The Rabonim therefore in your case may not have been as attentive as you may have wanted to your feelings in this case.
However, they are no more to blame then the countless times a day that we are for this issue. It just comes out differently by us as we are not Rabonim.
Maybe we don’t call our grandparents as much as we used to being that we are so busy texting etc. . . Maybe I wouldn’t be blogging at 2 AM when I should reaaly be going to sleep so that I can learn normally tomorrow etc. . . We are all guilty.
My advice to you is that you should forgive them and understand why you are forgiving them. Then, you can take this as a lesson for yourself. Look what happens when we allow ourselves to fall to the now norms of society. Let us take back control of our lives. Let us add meaning and warmth. Let us practice patience and compassion, as opposed to developing further into irate, impatient people, that honk our horns when it takes the car ahead of us 2 extra seconds to go by the green light.
(I Chas V’Shalom do not mean to put down, in the slightest of ways our Chashuva Rabonim that are Moser Nefesh every minute of their day to the ever growing needs of the Klal. I’m just bringing out a point about us laymen and how it possibly crept to them a drop).
This a lesson for us all that I hope we all learn from.
A certain person who I am married to and is female is always grumpy when I am too tired to make it out of bed to Minyan on time. If only she had these Yetzer Harah’s.
Very simple. Someone is making money.
I can’t believe there is a thread about this!! But if my 2 cents would be a help, I’ll add it. I am a guy in shidduchim.
I love curly hair!! I think it is a cool flair that if taken care of can look great!! Please don’t straighten for dates!!
Once we on the topic, I hate hate hate BLACK!!! Girls, I know its classy, thinning, and elegant. But if you really had style and class, you can bring it out in color.
Can we hear from the girls? Is it appreciated or not?
My sister YAPS AND YAPS AND YAPS ON THE PHONE 24/6!!!
A lot of time it leads to Lashon Harah. I wish she would do something productive! (Maybe I should introduce her to the Coffee Room??)
Thanks Hello99 for the backup. Yes, it was a large back and forth with R’ Teitz. R’ Teitz didn’t allow it and therefore R’ Moshe said that the community in which he is the Rov should not drink it. The whole back and forth was in a magazine some time back.
If you are really interested in all the details, you can try to track down some of R’ Teitz’s children or Talmidim and they will prob help you to find where it is.
Or simply look up the Teshuva.
L’Chaim!!
I’m a huge Carlos and Gabby’s fan!!! Coney Island Avenue. I think bet J and K. Fast, reasonable, and delicious!!! Also, chilled laid back environment and friendly staff. . .
R’Moshe was Matir it. Although it could be he said its better to be Machmir, check with your L.O.R.
I know that its winter, but I had a very pleasant time in Yismaach Yisrael Ice Cream in Lakewood last night. It’s on 7Th Street in the Capital hotel parking lot.
Ten bucks whoever comes near to describing me,
I don’t know what all the fuss is over here. I personally think the girls are so much pickier than guys these days. Yes, guys will nix shidduchim easier because they have more options before going out. However, I believe, from speaking to all my friends that so many girls say no once they actually go out for such immature reasons. The guy blinks the wrong way and bamm! He can expect a no!
A friend of mine was recently on a date with a girl from out of town. He took her out to eat and spent over 100 dollars on each of the first 2 dates. He is one of the nicest and thoughtful friends of mine. I would want him to marry my sister in a second. Anyway, he didn’t buy her anything for the trip home. He did not drop her at the airport but rather at a cuz’s house a few hours before her flight and therefore didn’t think of it.
She told the Shadchan that she had a nice time and thought he was a great guy. However it was very selfish that he didn’t bring her a care package for return trip!! And therefore she did not wish to continue. Goodbye. Now you tell me? Would a boy EVER say no for such a silly judgement??
I heard so many similar stories, I can go on for a while. . .
I have had girl’s say such crazy things to me on dates. But, I always try so hard to look past it, and see their true qualities anyway. Or see if they may have simply acted under pressure or if I misinterpreted their words etc. . .
I think girls have to give the guys more of a chance, and not bicker over petty things.
I think it’s time to turn the table around and ask the girl’s to chill out and give things a chance to play out.
(Let the barrage begin. . . I’m ducking but ready. . .)
(And no, I’m not new2thescene, that’s just my screen name. . .)
NA!! Don’t check till 3rd date. It’s a pain and 99 percent of the time its fine. I went out with many a girl and yet to have a problem. Chill out, your right you have nothing to lose, but nowadays people go out so much, why go crazy. If it gets past 2 or 3 then check.
Small note, because it is such a rarity to be a problem, some guys look at it negatively when asked before first date. I personally don’t care either way, but some guys will think you are the ‘overbearing’ and super health conscious type’. Now, yes I know I’m going to hear all you mommy’s (and I can prob predict which city your from. . .) reply with the following; “But its a health thing and therefore I will do what I have to do. Period.” To you I say, work on yourself and next time davka wait till 3rd date before asking. It will be very good exercise for your (psychological) health. Hatzlacha!!
Anyone with an SUV or similar going to williamsburg tonight? I have a friend’s wedding there and would like to go. I can walk to a main street as Coney or Ocean Ave.
OK, being that no one is saying practical advice I’ll start with a tip I developed.
Always give a leveraged option.
I’ll explain, say you want to know if s/he’s pretty or not. If you say ‘is s/he pretty?’ They will always say ‘of course!’ But if you then add right after your question, ‘or does his or her fun personality stand out more than his or her looks’? They can then answer that without feeling bad.
Another example, if you want to know if she is a warm type of girl. Instead of saying, is she the warmer type? And then getting an obvious ‘of course! she’s so warm’. Throw in right away, or is she normal like most girls? Then if warmth is an important thing for you, you know she doesn’t stand out with that. But the other side doesn’t feel bad saying that because you gave an option that doesn’t put her in a bad light either.
Basically, always offer the flip side, but in a positive way.
Am I being clear? Please tell me if not, I will further clarify.
I found this very helpful and hope you do to.
Thanks,
Pumper; Ur 100 percent right. I do think about that all the time. I can’t imagine the feelings. I daven with heartfelt tears on a constant basis for any girl in the Parsha. I wish there was more I can do about it. I guess just keep on trying to think of more idea’s for girls I know or have dated.
Mom Of a few; I don’t know how Hashem works, but I disagree with you. I think that Hashem has the perfect time when each person is ready. I doubt he goes by the number of girls you must date before then.
I realize now that although it would have been nice to be married 2 years ago, I think honestly that I wasn’t really ready then.
Iy”h everyone on this thread should find their right Zivug in the right time.
My Rosh Yeshiva told me to do whatever I feel is best in my situation and the Shidduchim will follow. How right he was.
I started college at night and got redd the same amount and if not more, of the same top quality girls. Girls just want to see if your sincere in what your doing. Just do what is best for yourself and all will follow.
Smartcookie; well obviously. . . Question is, how do you ask it to get the truth? Anyone have a good technique?
And also forgot about the last point. Always speak to a few friends. The married ones are generally more honest, but either way, after speaking to a few people u’ll get a dood general picture.
You have to get used to reading between lines and realize which points people are not talking about. It’s also a big skill how to ask the questions and which to ask. (Maybe i’ll start a thread next week, good questions to ask). Enjoy, and yes enjoy the quiet time, because with 2 boys in the market. . .
Derech Ha’; I’m actually not new to the yeshiva or style scene. I’ve been for last ten years. That was my first screen name, new2 yeshiva world coffee room. Never had a chance to change it yet,
From a guy in the Parsha; Guys do go out on more dates. From my experience, and this should be a chizuk to all girls, it doesn’t matter. I do go out often, but I don’t see it as a good or bad thing.
I recently went out with a girl, it was her first date in a year and a half. I felt bad when it didn’t work out for us, because who knows when her next date will be. She got engaged last week. Mazel Tov! So I ask you; who is better off? Me that went on a lot of dates over last year and a half, or her that is now engaged??
This past scenario occurred to me a few times since I’m in the Parsha.
Basically, Hashem has his reasons why everyone should go out the precise amount of times they do. Number of dates mean zero.
Just keep davening, and make each day count, don’t count the days.
In any case, the time it takes each side to do the research, set up the date, go out, wait in between, break before next is drawn out. Most guys do not go out every other week. I know tons of guys in the Parsha. We aren’t serial daters. B”h we have lives. . .
It’s very not cool to post on a nerdy thread as such.
”Style looses its class when spoken about”. -Hugo Boss, March 2009-
I think these revelations take the fun out of CR.
Yeshivaguy1. That was a real low blow. The conversation was going nicely. I also disagreed with her on some points but neither of us took it to the personal level. I’m sure she is a very pretty girl and is just giving a reasonable argument for the other side.
Especially if you are true to your screen name, and really are a Yeshiva Guy, lets keep to the highest standards of middos expected of us.
Pumper, glad you understand. Wishing you tremendous success in all!
Hadal, right on!!
Nachlas seems like a great place. Solid frum yet open minded, fun and relaxed. I’m a boy, but that’s the drift I picked up.
Wiy; I am not adding to this conversation, although I agree with so right a little.
Pumper, sorry just see your question now. Interesting. I actually am pretty comfortable. I think that Hashem created men like that for a specific reason, which I do not wish to go into at this point.
I am not saying that if someone has a temper he can ever ever say, ‘oh, hashem made me like that’. Because that’s a Middah that can and must be worked on just as someone that is lazy, selfish, or haughty.
This doesn’t either mean that a guy can walk in the street and look at whatever he wants. It is a lifelong struggle that will always be there because Hashem gave us that Yetzer Harah to work on. But in a kosher environment such as dating I think its OK.
So yes, we can work on focusing on more internal things. But for most of us it’s pretty impractical.
I look with great scrutiny on dates to see if the girl is polite to the waiter/garage attendant. Is she warm with her parents on the way out. Including countless other ways to see how she deals with people etc. Middos, communication, are obviously the number one thing in a marriage along with the proper chashivus ha’torah on whatever level you are looking for. But to ask me to change the way Hashem made us to not be into the external is not realistic. Even if a girl has the aforementioned qualities, if I am not comfortable (and yes, as I said before everyone has different standards, and must be realistic) then there is no chance it going. That’s how we are.
I like to think of myself as a guy with depth. Am I coming across as extremely shallow? Please let me know if you hear my view or think I’m way off. I’m always open to hearing criticism or another view. (Which is also something that I did and constantly do work on).
Memo, I hear you. But I think you or other girls should simply show the pic to a friend and ask if it portrays you correctly.
Pumper,Wow!!! You better duck really low. . . I went out with many a girl. If you think it’s possible to change a gender’s nature, we got a lot to talk about. . . The miracle season is still around so let’s go!!
Bottom line, I will reiterate for all those coming into thread late; do not judge the boys that ask for a pic till your in their shoes. I promise, the whole Parsha is really hard and is an emotional roller coaster for us.
A picture just helps a drop. Thanks.
Bp, I guess I hear you somewhat. But I think you are not being practical. A sharp looking boy, that knows style well, will want and will probably get a similar girl, whether he has an MBA or not.
Sorry bp, I have been checking out Shiduchim pictures. . .
Didn’t read all posts besides original. Ill make an extra effort this shabbos bl”n. Thanks to original poster. Your Zechus. . .Good Shabbos!!!
Excellent bp, now with your approval I will only go out with girls size 0-2 instead of my last hakpadah of below 4.
OK OK!!! I’m just joking around. . .
But, if a guy is seriously using his learning time properly then I respect him just as much, and if not more than myself doing learning and college simultaniously.
I guess it depends on what your ideals in life are.
I understand very clearly and believe that learning is what keeps the world going, and is what the world stands on. It sounds that you believe that earning money is more important. I respect your opinion but I beg to differ.
There are plenty of girls that have good jobs and are extremely happy to be the breadwinners. I personally do not wish to live such a lifestyle and so I’m in college part time, but what’s wrong with a guy that does?
And no, I’m not naive. I know there are plenty of guys that are fakers. I’m not talking about them.
Thus being so, I personally don’t understand how you believe that one who is learning must compromise on looks. Did I read you right?
Very well said. Big thanks to Ruff, Smile, Joe, and Eclipse. I came to CR to catch up on hock, but that was very well written and insightful.
A Rebby of mine recently told me an interesting point. The only time we mention the highest level of Kedusha in Shomayim (or close to it); the Kisai Hakovod is in Asher Yatzar. We see from here; Hashem in his tremendous glory, by the Kisai Hakavod, still worries about and tends to the seemingly lowest of our needs. The act that commands the Brachah.
We can thank Hashem just for this, that he hold’s us so so dear and precious to him!!
By94; Firstly thanks for the upgrade to new3. . .
Second, I am very impressed at your ability to take a step back and realize you may not be right on target. It is a middah that will help you tremendously through life. (Am I sounding like a Rebetzin?)
Thirdly, your right I understand that there are girls that feel the way you described, which is why I explained in my first post why some of us boys ask nicely if a picture can please be included. You can please go back to my original post to recap. Now that you realize the flip side of the coin, and possibly realize that we are not just doing it for no reason. Rather, just practically it makes sense and can save hrs and hrs of time plus countless emotions, its up to the person involved to decide. She is more than welcome to say no I’m not comfortable. It’s than up to him to decide to research further. But people lie so badly by information, its scary. You cant blame some of us (including myself) that don’t want to ‘just give it a shot’ anymore.
You are definitively right about the shtark point. There are many guys that learn all day but do not really internalize it. I see this day in and day out, it’s a real petty.
And about your last point, I apologize but you are really off. I have unlimited internet access because I need it for college work. Honestly, do you really think I need that I need an 8*6 picture of a bais yaakov girl to fuel my Yetzer Harah? We aren’t malachim, but please babies we certainly aren’t. As you said, unfortunately there are no shortages of fuel out there. That is one of the most ridiculous things I have read in a while. And I know the same is with all guys as all my friends are in the market so I know the scoop.
And lastly, I think the American Girl Dolls are much more sophisticated than Barbie. You cannot compare the elegance. I hope I have shed a flicker of clarity in your oblivion.
Good point Sam. I back you.
Bp, sory took a while to respond but things are hecdick around here. But, what are you talking about? How did you get to this? I was not putting anyone down. I have met some amazing girls. I have learned a tremendous amount, and grown so much just from dating certain girls. They have top notch middos, always looking to help out another and have worked on growing in their yidishkiet in remarkable ways. Hashem gave boys their maalos and girls their own. I never meant to put anyone down, or said that anyone is more accomplished than anyone. Please reread my posts.
And also, you said the girls ”you are dating are doing just the same”, I am just curious, where are the girls that are learning from 9:30 to 6:00?
BY93, first chill out. Second, I prefaced my first comment that anyone not in the Parsha should not be allowed to post on this thread. The reason is because trust me you do not get the whole picture (no pun intended) till you are actually are involved. I also thought I knew everything before but trust me even though I had sib’s older than me married you don’t really understand. I remember trying to convince my brother for so long that he totally missed the boat on a certain aspect when he was dating, I now realize how right he was.
But your point with the Barby was cute anyway. . .
Wow! I apologize to all you out there for not answering what I do in a more timely fashion. The reason was that as I said before I do B”h have a very busy schedule and did not have time to wind down yet and I still have more work tonight.
I am in Yeshiva for first and second seder, part of an intense Halacha Chaburah with tests and all. At night I do college work, I have a lot of studying to do and a big test coming up. BP totty, if you have time you are more than welcome to come help me out.
So if you thought I was whining then I won’t argue with you but your wrong, I’m just being practical.
Dunno, Brooklyn Yenta, Popa, and everyone that agreed with me thanks for that. You will Iy”h make wonderful wives.
And yes, anyone that asks I will gladly send a picture along with my resume. I cannot pinpoint the reason why girls don’t ask as often as girls.
I repeat again, I promise its not comfortable for us to ask but it’s just so practical.
And again, Iy”h the ultimate Shadchan should help us all find our Basherts very soon, till then. . . “Say cheese!!
Anyone that is not currently in shidduchim should not be able to post here. I have been in the parsha for 2 and a half years, and I’m a big picture fan. I may be wrong, but I very much like to think of myself as a boy with depth, a heart of gold, and good Middos. I do not feel comfortable myself that I need to but trust me it has been very helpful. It is an emotional roller coaster, and extremely time consuming. I promise you I’m not looking for a model or anything close to that. But, I do know which look I am comfortable with or not. Your right, a picture does not always do justice, but it can give a good idea.
There is a misconception that ”its just a night”. Its not. Its usually a week event, between planning, thinking about before and after, renting a car, researching places to go, talking to rebbeim. . . Its not so simple.
Please do not judge us till you are in our shoes.
And a tip for the wise, if you are comfortable with your picture, then send it along with your resume. If a boy has a few names to look into that sound great, but one has a picture and he thinks its in his ball park he will look into it first. Trust me.
Hatzlacha to all singles, and iy”h may you all find your bashert very soon!!