Nechomah

MichaelC, It sounds like to me like you arelooking for a halachic basis to your refusal to do what your mother said, to justify not obeying the mitzvah of kibud em, which is permissible if she tells you to do something against halacha. While I respect that, I wonder if you would want to marry a girl who “does hair nice” without knowing anything more about her. That is a lifetime decision and should have something solid on which to base it as being right. Knowing that your mother has, as you said, “an agenda”, I would try to think of a way to seriously discuss with her how you feel about shidduchim, getting married, what you are looking for in a wife and how you want to go about finding one. Maybe soften up the conversation with a box of chocolates or bouquet of flowers, or something that you know will reach her heart, like take her to a special restaurant for a meal (obviously within your budget). If she loves you, then hopefully she will respect what you want and need in this manner.

I am BT that was married (to a Jew but not in any religious ceremony) before and later got divorced. I asked R’ Shlomo Zalman, ztvk”l a shaila about covering my hair and was told that I do not have to cover it before I married. It is a chumra to cover the hair if not married/divorced with edim.

I got married in Yerushalayim and, according to the minhag here, covered my hair before the chuppah. It was simply easier to put a shaitel on before the chuppah and have everything ready rather than doing it in the cheder yichud. I have seen kallos from chassidishe mishpochos with their special sequined tichels for after cheder yichud and I also saw a kallah who kept the covering on over her hair (showing only her face after the chuppah) and put a shaitel on in cheder yichud.

“Checking out the girls” cuz maybe one is the RIGHT one means that the whole marriage is based on external qualities instead of what our ancestors have known is the important issue – the internal qualities/neshama of the person you’re marrying. What happens when the girl gains weight during/after pregnancy??? She won’t be the same girl he saw “dressed to kill” at the chassanah when he decided to check her out. Now he’ll probably decide to check out of the marriage himself. Sad to say, but this is probably a strong reason for the growing divorce rate in our circles.

I’ve been at chassanahs where the kallah keeps her hair covered at the conclusion of the chuppah and comes out of the cheder yichud with her shaitel on. It is a little bit of a balagan trying to get things straightened out, but no worse than the chassidishe kallahs who come out of the cheder yichud with the chassanah tichels on.

As far as the whole issue of make up goes, I see more and more kallahs with a thick coating applied, almost masking their natural beauty plus the glow they would surely have on this most important day of their life. The hanhala of the school may be seeking to give them an example that hits close to home for the younger girls so that they can see how their friends look beautiful even without the extra coating on their faces (which by the way cost a pretty penny to have done professionally). And since all the makeup gets rubbed off during the course of the chassanah so there is little for the chassan to enjoy anyway. And since a lot of the family pictures are taken after the guests have all gone home and it is just the family and close friends left, who is to say that she can’t put on some makeup to make those pictures come out nice, especially since she’s all worn out from the excitement and dancing and all.