Mussar47

I don’t know who made up these shidduch “rules”. I’ve had singles of all ages call me asking for a shidduch, I’ve had mothers call and I’ve had fathers call. To me it makes no difference. I personally prefer speaking to the single even if it’s just on the phone so I can get a better idea of what they are about. Parents will always rave about their kids and maybe it’s true in many cases, but I have to take what they say with a grain of salt. Many shadchanim wouldn’t go for the idea of speaking to a young lady directly. If I were you, I’d call the shadchan and ask if she doesn’t mind speaking to me directly so she could get a better idea of what you are like and what you are looking for. If she would prefer speaking to a parent, you’ll have to do that, if you want to work with them. You can’t change the system-it’s broken and archaic but you have no choice. Only Rabbanim can make the changes unilaterally. Hazlacha rabba!

There is no such thing as a professional shadchan in the sense that it doesn’t require special schooling or training. If you know 2 people that seem like they would be good together, you can definitely try setting them up. As long as you don’t pressure them into marrying one another, you have nothing to worry about. Either they, or their parents or mentors will look into the shidduch as far as checking is concerned. I know people are very scared to set up people but believe me, most singles appreciate it very much when people think of them even if it doesn’t work out. My approach to setting people up is first find statistical commonalities-similar ages, height is ok, hashkafas are similar. Then try as best as you can, to judge if their personalities mesh. It’s important to ask them what kind of personalities they have and what they are looking for. Even if you know one party well and the other not so well, meet them or speak on the phone for a while to get an idea of what they are about. I wish more people were like you LB-we need more people who help in this area. I encourage you to try, as well as others. If you see this is not your forte, that’s ok too. There are many chasadim one can do. At least you will have tried. Much hazlacha!

As a shadchan and someone who is married, in my humble opinion, an emotional connection can be made before marriage (and preferably should be made) but only to a certain extent. A deep emotional connection, as was said before can only be made when one goes through the good and bad things in life together and works as a team or when one spouse is gong through a hard time and the other learns what it takes to calm them down or build them up.

How does one build an emotional connection of some kind while dating? If a couple goes out a few times and after going through the usual shallow conversation, starts talking about their feelings, their thoughts for the future, their goals in life, what type of qualities impress and/or repulse them, past experiences that gave them hope, discouraged them,saddened them or changed their life. It seems that there are singles ‘who don’t know how to go the next level” and can’t get past the quality of conversations one has with the stranger at the bus stop. Eventually the dates become stale and the relationship dies out when this level can’t be reached. But I feel it’s really necessary to ‘get there” before marriage so the rest of the emotional connection can easily come after marriage.

Believe it or not, I use chicken and add parve non transfat kishke, with barley, beans, potatoes and carrots with spices and it’s delicious!

Some of the answers were right on! It’s better to ask someone you know or someone who knows someone you know in the community the potential date lives in. References can be used for basic info: how many siblings, what do parents do, how tall is he or she-the rest you have to take with a grain of salt. To the nonreferences I would ask about midos, good idea as said above to ask if the person is calm, has a happy demeanor, level of frumkeit. Chesed is hard to judge since, as someone correctly pointed out, the best chesed is done quietly-if you boast about it and everyone knows it, you may do chesed and be a baal gavah. Now here’s a novel thought: why go thru so much initial checking before the first date-if the boy and girl are old enough to date and get married, don’t their own instincts count too?

Thank you for your ideas and inspiring words. They are a big help to me already. Yaashe kochachem!

I’ve received many compliments on my chulent. It seems that anything goes when you make this delicious dish. But I make it with chicken most of the time-it’s healthier and tasted just as good!