Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Being mechabed, lo aleinu, ones deceased parents will not resolve deep rooted self esteem issues.
If a child is, c’v, raised in an orphanage (and has no knowledge or contact with his parents) he is not pre-destined to live a life with low self esteem.
Therapists train to help people deal with emotional issues; rabbonim with religious issues.
Would you go to a therapist to paskin your kashrus shailah? So why go to a rav for an emotional issue?
If a rav also trains to help those with mental health issues, as Rabbi Twerski has, then all the better. If not, I’d choose a professional knowledgeable in the area of my struggle.
Also, having someone else stand up against those who harass you will only serve to dis-empower you.
Having regard for oneself is very different than being obsessed with oneself.
Yussel- you are citing extremes.
Strong inter-personal relationships, in general, can foster better self esteem. However, it may not be possible to do so with specific people, such as ones parents. They might be deceased or rebuff any attempts at closeness.
One of the reasons therapy can be so helpful to someone with low self esteem is that the therapist provides unconditional acceptance of the person. A truly professional therapist will convey the message of “feedback not failure” (NLP premise). So, a person can then see themselves as being on a path striving to be better, rather than being a success or a failure at any given point in time.
I read that true self esteem doesn’t come from our possessions or accomplishments, for those are fleeting. It comes from the growing recognition that we have the capacity within ourselves to manage ourselves and our lives. This recognition of this capacity can grow with our setting small manageable goals for ourselves and then seeing them through.
I always imagined I’m going to hear a shofar blowing (not on yamim noraim).
ADHD is a physical phenomenon. A part of the brain (the prefrontal cortex) That acts like the conductor of an orchestra (controlling the “band” and telling everyone when it’s their turn to play) is affected and therefore, cannot work properly. Imagine if all the musicians played their parts whenever they wanted. It wouldn’t be music, it would be noise. It’s like there’s no leader helping them organize themselves. Impulses take over.
Medication can help slow them down enough to think things through. Maturity, self awareness, and repetitive training can eventually help their functioning also.
Meds are not the solution for everyone though. It depends how severely their lives are affected by this condition, and whether they can tolerate the meds.
I’m astounded that people think this disorder actually doesn’t exist!
My son was tested for it by several leading doctors. One of them has a computerized program that tracks head movements and focusing capacity. He had a much higher statistical rate of head movements than a typically developing child and had a very narrow span of time that he was able to focus (minutes). This can be really challenging for a teacher and their student who is very intelligent and academically capable yet limited in this way.
Many ultra caring teachers lack the resources to invest in kids who need extra attention for their lack thereof.
Having a good heart and motivation is not sufficient to enable teachers to help these kids. Knowledge is required.
Misbehavior can sometimes be incorrectly or prematurely labeled ADHD. In fact, ODD can often accompany a diagnosis of ADHD, but not always. That’s why diagnosing it properly is so imperitive, both for the child/family and the school.
My son was suspected as being a troublemaker until an official diagnosis came in. At that points all involved developed a different perspective of him and began seeing him as a child who truly wants to please others, but has difficulty doing so and needs supports.
IMHO, important things for teachers to remember is that kids with ADHD are often academically very capable and should be held accountable (within reason). That means, expect them to do their work, but if you and other teachers give huge amounts, take into account it can take a kid two to three times as long as another kid to do it, so you might need to set your expectations in accordance by accepting a reduced quantity of work from the home (especially in a yeshiva where kids might not return home till 5/5:30 and have to bathe, eat dinner, and do homework, and get to bed by 7:30/8 ifthey’re young.
Keeping in contact regularly with parents to let them know how their kids are doing is very important. No one likes surprises, but most especially parents of kids who might need extra supports (and similarly, parents need to reach out to teachers).
Responsibilities that include recalling tasks (handing in papers daily) can be extra challenging, and can be easily resolved by a one word prompt (homework) or assigning a supportive buddy.
I would love to hear from educators their perspective.
Ask them if they’ve ever been tested. There are computerized tests that can determine more definitavely if they do, in fact, have ADHD.
Individual,couples/family, and group therapy can all be effective in helping the perpetrator become more aware of their patterns, the effect on themselves and others and on their relationships. Anger management training can help the perpetrator learn more effective ways of dealing with their emotions.
If the perpetrator is unwilling to seek counseling, than the victims can utilize counseling to identify the aggressive patterns and effective/non-effective responses, and build ego strength. The fact that someone can be passive aggressive doesn’t mean the source of their anger is unjustified. Their method of dealing with it is destructive. Counseling can also offer the victim an opportunity to explore the issues that lead to this behavioral pattern. As I said earlier, it can be helpful to point out to the perpetrator that they seem upset. This can eliminate the hidden agenda and minimize the level of anger by helping them understand that their feelings are recognized. The problem is their reaction is a long term pattern and the only way that can be changed is with more self awareness and the impact of their behavior on their lives.
Passive aggressive behavior does not go away by itself.
I think you go by what minhag Hama-kom is, if you can. In the united states, 15-20%! Tip is typically given/expected for the first three services that you mentioned.
Coat room and valet parking usually are given $1-2, airport baggage handler, at least $1 per bag. Delivery man is very subjective. I omitted counselor because I find the camps usually tell you a suggested amount.
All amounts can be adjusted depending upon the quality of the service provided.
I think giving nothing when the service is acceptable is perceived as rude, because of the expectations that are built into society.
Very reliable. They’re a well known company and do well because people know they have good service. They deliver very quickly and have a great policy regarding returns on items.
Brother
What a beautiful thing to write.
Very inspiring.
Thank you for sharing this.
Sam2
If a kohen should be served first at meals, does that mean that a host should serve the children, who are also kohanim, before her adult guests (who are not kohanim)? Wouldn’t that be outright disrespectful??
If one cannot assume that a kohen is mochel being asked to contribute or help, is a wife (not a bas kohen) not permitted to ask of her husband anything contribution wise???
Things parents wish counselors knew: (sorry to high jack this thread)
When we drop off or kids, if you’re not warm and engaging, and attempting to involve them in play to help them adjust, we question whether you know how to take care of kids (adjustment is hard and they need counselors who sense that and dive in to help them)
We worry that you get so busy, that you forget or neglect to change their diaper frequently enough
When you’re really young, it concerns us, but when you’re warm and loving it can make up for that.
A note about how our kids are doing can go a really long way in giving us confidence that you’re watching them well (ie: making friends, playing with others, eating, general mood).
Passive aggressive is exhibiting anger in a passive indirect way. For example, if a customer upsets a cashier, and that cashier chooses to express her anger (and take revenge) in a passive indirect way by ringing the items up extra slowly, that would be passive aggressive behavior.
It may not always be possible to address it, if the aggressor is either a sufficient distance away (as in another car on the road) or unwilling to engage. The “victim can turn it into a direct conversation by pointing out that the other person seems upset (with the hope of remedying the hurt/disagreement), but sometimes the alternative of creating distance with space and time is the best option if the aggressor will not listen.
Haifa and fashion
I stand corrected
Use their age/stage as a reference for their ability to understand you. Presume they’ve had experience with people who didn’t really like to get advice, and refer back to that.
They might need to turn their being older into a plus, instead of a minus in the workplace and the community, and they might be filling the role of older advisor to do that. This is an opportunity to let them know that at their stage they have value (but in a different way).
By the way
Sorry for the unsolicited advice 🙂
I totally get why you’re irked. You’re not a kid and you want to be recognized for your wisdom as well (and your not being).
Have you ever told them that you don’t like it?
Once you do, if they persist, you can say “I don’t mean to be rude, but did you hear me say I don’t like when people do that?”
You can follow that with a compliment :you have the wisdom that years bring, and I appreciate your caring, but your advice is actually hurting me instead of helping me. I prefer to hear what I’m doing right, not what I’m doing wrong.”.
You could also say “I’m really good with asking for advice, but not so good with hearing advice. Let’s make a deal that when I need advice I’ll ask you, but otherwise you won’t offer it” then, if they start to break it, you can say “we made a deal…”.
After trying several food plans, I think a good “diet” is one you you think you can stay on. Some are so limiting, that keeping them beyond a week or two becomes torture.
I think the best thing is trial and error.
I tried south beach and really like it, ’cause the food is really healthy and yummy. It gives great ideas for new dishes. It’s limiting, though. No carbs first two weeks, then adding them in slowly to see what causes cravings.
I prefer weight watchers because it’s something I can live with long term. People challenge me sometimes and say “you can’t eat that”, and happily, I respond that everything is permitted on this plan in moderation.
The method is keeping track so you don’t go over your allotted amount for the day.
I’m also not trying to change everything at once.
My first goal is tracking my eating (listing my food and quantities each day) and increasing cardio movement.
My next goal is to try to modify my food choices to learn how to eat so I can nourish myself.
Dhl
If you’re a guy, I’m not so sure Pilates is for you.
I think walking and strengthening your core/stomach muscles with variations of sit-ups might be good. I think guys tend to gain weight in their stomachs.
A lot of the foods commonly eaten on Shabbos are written in their food listing book (chulent, challah, grape juice, etc).
It is more difficult on Shabbos with the new program because you can’t calculate points using the old ruler. It’s basically electronic (their calculator or e-tools) or using the book.
I liked the old program, and hated switching. I didn’t trust the new program. I eventually went off altogether and gained a lot of what I lost back (I totally stopped watching and ate whatever I wanted, fooling myself that I’d stay the same.
I’m back on the new program now. I figure, better to be on it than on nothing.
It’s hard learning a new system, and new point values, but I figure all beginnings are hard and eventually I’ll remember the points the way I did with the old.
It’s a mechaya not to have to count fruits and veggies. That makes it much easier.
Ultimately, I think it’s ideal to do the program everyone else is doing at the meetings.
My kids say “it’s a thing-a-maboodle”. They made that one up themselves.
My little one calls chocolate milk “kaku”. He couldn’t say the long version when he was younger, so the nickname stuck.
There’s no way to fix the past.
It’s a vicious cycle that can perpetuate itself for years in every situation that you have doubts, confusion or regrets about.
The only way to overcome it is to consciously stop yourself and to accept that you’re human, meant to make mistakes and move forward. You can’t move forward if you’re looking backwards.
I went back to work when my first was a toddler, but I think it was a mistake. The babysitter was a very poor disciplinarian and used to beg him in a whiny voice to listen to her. We had our hands full after that. I later chose to be a SAHM.
My sister also had a nightmarish experience with her babysitter after returning to work. She returned home one day to overhear the babysitter insisting that my niece call HER mommy. That arrangement ended very quickly.
I think the “right kind” of role model is someone who’s “weathered the same storm, and come out of it satisfactorily. I would imagine they’re more likely to be empathetic to your plight and not judgemental.
I don’t know why the previous role models ceased supporting you. That information was omitted from your post.
Maybe you could expand the realm of what’s accepted by coming up with creative options.
How about a weekend shabbaton at a girls camp (shira, chedva, sternberg), with a kumsitz, sports for the day…. With shiurim on Shabbos. Perhaps your school would consider that?
How about a fundraiser??? Big words to a struggling school. Try to come up with fun creative ideas to help the school make money ( A bake-a-thon, concert/show, Chinese auction, carnivals).
Have you spoken with the other girls in your class about this feeling of being constrained (meaning, if they’re feeling the same way)? There’s power in numbers. I think you’re best off approaching the administration as a group and not as an individual.
Why do you think going OTD is the only way to have excitement and fun in your life?
I think you need to think about what you consider fun and try to fit that into the context of a frum life.
It sounds like you equate being a bas yisrael with being very prim and proper (the opposite of what you perceive as thrilling). Being appropriate and doing things that are thrilling are not mutually exclusive. I think you need to find people who can be good role models for you of being frum and having fun (sometimes thrilling) lives.
You need to find people who are non-judgemental, perhaps people used to dealing with baalei teshuva who’ve heard it all and can guide you properly.
Yoyo
I think you need to differentiate between promises and action.
A promise is like a thought with intention; action is acting on that thought. Many of us have well meaning intentions that are never realized because of inaction. IMHO, action signifies the intention of bringing that thought to fruition.
So, personally, I think a promise is fairly meaningless in the absence of action.
Stopping smoking is easier said than done. I wouldn’t take a promise so seriously unless there was action coupled with it (and even then…).
It seems very petty to me.
Brisk is not the only yeshiva that can produce capable, committed, top learners.
My cousin (who did not go to brisk) married the daughter of a rosh kollel. Her father did not look to brisk specifically for a son in law, but to those recommendations of boys with fine middos who were committed to learning. He understood that his daughters future and happiness was not dependent solely on the boy’s level of learning or yeshiva resume but on the person he is.
Momofsix
So, does the band work like an appetite suppressant or, does the discomfort of vomiting when eating too much deter people from eating too much?
Also, do people who’ve had the band done then combine that with a specific food plan, like weight watchers (but have an easier time following it, due to “internal portion control”) or, is the option of following a traditional food plan out of the question?
I really appreciate the information you are sharing (I, too, am considering it).
Getting to the source of the anger can help lead you towards resolving it.
Are you able to link the anger building at a particular time in your life??
How were feelings of anger dealt with in your house growing up? Did your parents model healthy ways to express anger and methods of dealing with frustrations? There can be many factors coming into play. It would probably be much more productive to explore this with a therapist who can help you track your history so that you can work on finding the appropriate resolutions. For instance, if you’re in a bad marriage, you may not be able to work through your feelings of anger while you choose to live there. If you’re at a job where your supervisor is rude and disrespectful on a daily basis, it’s unlikely you’ll feel better while there (although you can learn techniques to temper your response to your anger), if it’s biochemically driven, you might find yourself a whole lot happier and more relaxed by taking something to calm you down.
Middle path +1
I’d add when MY mouth moves faster than my brain and I catch my fau pa 1 second too late.
I’m not liberal, but this is just too much.
Maybe it would be a much more valuable lesson to teach about the varied views in the yiddishe world and how one set of parents might ban something, whereas another might not, and use that as a springboard for a discussion about tolerance.
Please elaborate on the part about a man listening to his parents before his wife…
I don’t recall that.
I can’t imagine that would be good for one’s marriage: ” sorry, honey, my mother said we should send little Chaim to the other school which you don’t like, so, I’m obligated to listen to her”. Huh?!?!
I’m not a teacher, but (on a side note) I can tell you that if a teacher made a website with educational advice, information about standards of education etc, I’d run to sign up (even for a fee). My friends and I often wonder about the different standards in various schools, and wonder/worry if our kids are learning the same material as kids in other schools. If teachers on a united website share their educational goals for the year, tips on parent reinforcement of these materials, advice on targeting various behaviors kids need to learn at this age (sharing, separation anxiety, etc) I would find that very helpful, as would many of my peers, and I think you might find great interest. Perhaps you’d consider adding this to your repertoire of information on your intended website??
Little neshomale (journeys) is the first to come to mind.
Lol!
In NY, I mean.
Ok
Who is a Baal eitzah who speaks to women??
I don’t know if it’s such a good thing that they don’t know who such characters are (to Oprah). I think they must be perceived as ostriches with their heads in the sand. Although I could see how goyim would admire refraining from t.v., to be so unaware of such popular, seemingly innocent culture (maybe not a 3 year old, but a 15 year old?!?) seems akin to Amish-like in its nature. It wouldn not be something I could relate to if I came from that background. It would seem just plain weird.
The one thing I really liked was how they ended the clip/interview asking all four women what they’d want to say. One woman said “we’re not physical human beings in a spiritual world, but spiritual beings in a physical world and we need to bring the spirituality into the physical.
You could see Oprah was moved by this.
Ditto!?!?
Shock, but no difference. Really glad someone’s in touch with her.
There were two interviews. I mentioned both (kashrus was addressed to the first/caucasion family).
In light of the tumultuous relationship between the community Gentiles who are black and the Lubavitch community, I thought it was a particularly good idea to show that the division is not color related, but, perhaps, value related.
They showed a frum family who are black.I thought that was wonderful. They explained that what unites/defines us is not a common color, but our common way of life and beliefs. That was a kiddush H.
I think the attempt to portray the frum community through one group might be too limiting and inaccurate. Some stereotypical beliefs were dispelled, such as the fact the a room can be painted any color (she was shocked the girls room was pink, expecting it to be beige, gray or white /that belief was shocking to me), whereas others might have been re-established where inaccurate at representing the whole frum community (no computers, cells, tv, etc).
They showed challah braiding, a “traditional meal with kugel, matza ball soup, gefilte fish, and a discussion of the meaning of kashrus. I wish they would have discussed how the vascular physiology of a kosher vs a non-kosher animal differs. It would have made kashrus something she could understand the meaning of vs an ancient unexplained ritual.
I think she admired and marveled at the innocence and lack of exposure to media of the family. It showed the possibility of what could be and how it shapes children.
Precisely for that reason, that she is single. She wants to “market” herself as beautiful, and makeup can enhance a woman’s beauty. A shidduch can come from anywhere, even from a co-worker who thinks of her for a friend or a client who has a nephew, etc…
It’s true. I have seen rainbows on occasion, but not for a long time, b’h.
Honestly, it was a silly answer on my part, not meant to be proof of anything, just a passing thought.
If I don’t see a rainbow, I assume we’re not as bad.
I love that advice that everyone should eat the same to avoid his feeling different.