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I thought you could rub your hands on a tree, if need be.
I lived in yerushalayim for quite a while.
I know they’re more like rats.
Goq
Lol!
Toi
Kicking a cat?
How about stomping your feet (yelling “scat”) or jumping hard in front of them.
We only have a pet fish, but we love animals and our kids have learned the same.
They ask to pet neighborhood dogs. They play with our neighbors cats.
We once found an ailing baby bird (fell out of it’s nest). We brought it home and cared for it until we were able to bring it to an animal medical center.
Kids learn what we model. We don’t have a dog, but our kids love dogs because that’s what we model.
I grew up with cats, birds, and fish.
One thing I’ve noticed is that modern families will typically embrace getting a pet much more quickly than a yeshivish family will (and, so, their comfort levels will reflect that familiarity).
Is there a Halacha about having a pet (ie: on Shabbos, etc)?
I think the question really is do you care how she feels?
It sounds like she was reduced to calling you stupid because of the lack of thought that went into your response.
Now you have to think about who’s needs you’re going to put first:yours or hers.
Sarcasm is simply a way of further avoiding any thought of her needs.
Maybe you could invite a neighbor over for a brief shabbos afternoon play date/shabbos party?
It would give your kids a chance to get to know each other. If your kids are older, you could extend an invitation for either a meal or dessert. You could tell them “I see you here a lot, but I don’t have a chance to get to know you. Maybe you’d like to come over for dessert or a play date this shabbos?”
I think the time to think about making friends is not when you need them. By then you’re too desperate to think clearly.
You’re walking into a treife restaurant to buy a drink. How does anyone seeing you know that you haven’t bought anything else?
Furthermore, in a place that serves treife mamash, how do you know they don’t take the same towels that they use to wipe the tables or counters and use it to wipe the spout or the urn or wash the urn in the same sink with the same sponge, for that matter???
Health
Are you trying to be callous?
3 years of pre-med science isn’t fluff. It’s hard courses that require a lot of work. You know that being in the medical field. Maybe it isn’t medical school, but “it ain’t no walk in the park”.
Health has a point
The issues you’re encountering and the accompanying feelings may be severe enough to merit real action.
It’s impossible for anyone to say if what you’re experiencing is normal in marriage because you really haven’t shared any information about your concerns.
Sounds like you need to speak to a really qualified professional to gain perspective.
You sound (disappointed), bored and irritated.
The beginning of marriage can be difficult because we often go from a time of tremendous excitement and mystery (like wih a gift) to opening it, getting used to it, becoming bored with it, and then finding it’s flaws (and wishing we had another). Trading it in should only be an option if there’s something seriously defective with it that cannot be fixed with a reasonable amount of effort and help.
Maturity is learning to accept what you have, appreciate it, and maximize it’s purpose.
Being unhappy doesn’t make her flaws egregious.
Maybe what would help isn’t so much therapy, but speaking with older people who have been married longer, successfully, and asking them to help you have perspective. Very often people who have Weathered the difficulties of marital adjustment can give you perspective regarding the true severity of your own concerns.
I also do think therapy would help with the right person.
It’s been a while, so I’m not sure if they’re still open, but…
Vera and Goldie’s in boro park.
I bought the most beautiful gown from them for my sister’s wedding.
They had one ready made in a color I didn’t like, so I brought them fabric and they made the same gown for me to my specifications. They have a nice selection of gowns.
I think we should go to sem for five years, nap Shabbos afternoon, arrive at the table like a guest and leave dirty clothing everywhere, while the guy works full time, raises the kids, cooks, cleans up, shops, picks up all our dirty stuff (cause we don’t feel like walking it 6 feet over to the laundry basket)…. Get my drift?
On a more serious note, attraction, similar hashkafah, emotional maturity (a biggie), and good middos. That, IMHO, should be the wish list.
My sister (a’h) had a teacher who broke pencils every time the girls erased (early elementary). My mother still talks about this horrible tactic.
Trip to the zoo in kindergarten. They forgot to tell us the animals were in cages, and I freaked out. I was terrified to go, imagining all these wild animals walking around. My mother had to pick me up. I guess I didn’t know how to articulate what my fears were.
7th grade flight to Washington, d.c. It was so exciting flying for a school trip.
Not so good was having to wait for 4 hours in the hangar for our return flight.
Best
Feigning illness when my sister got sick and getting to go home with her.
2nd grade, I had a head injury from a fall (a large and deep gash that required a lot of stitches) that required me to wear a gauze bandage wrapped around my forehead for ages. I got sooooomuch attention from everyone.
4th grade: sitting across the aisle from my best friend and making each other laugh
Worst
Our 6th. Grade teacher telling me we should make other friends (I dismissed her words), and then that same “best friend” becoming really popular and rejecting me
Having an eighth grade mock wedding play. Everyone pounced on the parts and I was without one. I had to make up my own.
Promising everyone a chocolate bar at the end of pre1A and then praying they would forget when school started in the Fall
I’m sorry to be so verbose, but I guess, in short, I think you’re getting ahead of yourself.
Don’t let your anxiety drive your decisions. Let those with the wisdom of life experience and Torah guide you and your choices.
I think, like with your “criteria” list of what kind of girl you’re going to want, you need to prioritize what are musts within yourself before dating vs which are merely preferences. This is not something you need to be or should be doing now.
Step 1) Deal with the Gairus status
Step 2) find a yeshiva you can learn and grow in. Ask the rabbonim after they know you well how long they recommend you stay
Step 3) discuss shidduchim with rabbonim and career goals. Ask them for their advice what they think you need to do to prepare.
I don’t think you need to plan everything on a time line (just know your general goals and directions), but what about working on compiling your divrei Torah while you’re learning in yeshiva?
You’d have amazing people around you to give you thoughts and ideas about it (and it could really serve to shape your religious perspective. You’d be sharing with rabbonim your Torah thoughts and they can help reinforce, shape and solidify your thinking in a mainstream Torah way.
Once you’re in that environment, have made connections to rabbonim that you admire and who can understand you, you could consult as to what course of action should follow your time in yeshiva (semicha, nursing, dating, etc).
You’re very ambitious.
Why do you need semicha?
That’s a lot on your plate together with nursing in a short period of time.
I agree. I just don’t think he has to be FINISHED with all that to begin dating. I think the most important thing to resolve before dating is making sure your gairus status will be widely accepted. Without that, no upstanding girl (or her family) will consider a shidduch with you. Once that’s clarified, as Oomis said, you need to spend real time (immersed) in a yeshiva. Personally, I’d recommend going to yeshiva in Israel. Aish Hatorah and Ohr Sameach are some of the most amazing yeshivas for Baalei teshuva. They have incredible rabbonim who will be able to help you and guide you. I think a year is probably not sufficient considering your background and being new. Maybe two would be ok (your rabbonim would know, with their experience and wisdom, that’s why it’s so important to go to that environment). They could also serve as references. You don’t need to commit to living in Israel to learn there. I also think if you can’t afford to pay (for yeshiva there) they won’t let that stand in your way. I think most girls would be afraid of a guy who’s not in the fold for long enough and doesn’t have a strong enough background.
My opinion about not needing to wait was related to your concerns about parnasah, weight and having a car, more than anything. I think if you can make enough to survive for a bit on the salary of an EMT while you continue your studies, then that doesn’t have to stop you.
I know I’m in the minority (and I wouldn’t say this if you were a girl) but I think 21 is pretty young and I think you can spare a few years before diving into dating. Get ready first.
Thank you.
It’s a bit scary (and confusing) how something that’s so seemingly minor can have such a major impact.
What a great question.
I think you might be getting ahead of yourself. You have so many amazing interests, but I think it’s more important to clear up your gairus status first. You’re going to want to make sure that it’s uncontested before you begin studying to become a rabbi.
It’s like trying to get a job in the u.s.a. with a visa that might be questioned later. Don’t do that to yourself. I think you should deal with it now so you don’t have to revisit it again.
So, when mitzvos are performed in Olam hazeh l’maan a Neshoma of someone who passed away (ie:tzedaka) does that then bring rachamim upon them in Olam haba?
On another note, I once heard that we’re not supposed to “lace” our fingers (of two hands) together, but rather “wrap” them around the opposite hand because the former brings midas hadin (Kabbalah?). Has anyone else heard of this?
This is just a personal opinion, but you don’t have to wait for ALL those things to happen before opening yourself up to meeting the right one. If you have a solid enough background in learning (ie:a year, or whatever your rabbanim advise) and a means of Parnassa (EMT) you’re well on your way to dating. Nursing will take you time, and I don’t think you have to put your life on hold for that. I think the same is true for losing weight and acquiring a car. Unless your weight is a major impediment in dating, I wouldn’t let it hold you back.
I wouldn’t show up for both. There’s too much of a gap between chuppah and dancing. I’d go to the chuppah and then leave.
I think the yeshivish world is more insulated. Although baalei teshuva are accepted, there is a general apprehension with the possibility of influence from the outside (except with Chabad). I think the modern world is generally less concerned about people from varying backgrounds, as long as the current committment matches theirs. There are, however, Sephardim in the modern world as much as there are Ashkenazim.
If, Brooklyn Sephardim hold by the Syrian edict, than that group will include the modern Sephardim as well.
So, it leaves you with a few choices: 1) find a shul that embraces baalei teshuva and gairim and choose your place based on that, not on it being Sephardic, 2) move to an alternate area that is known to be more open and embracing, 3) ride the storm and make your own way by finding your own individual friends, schools, etc which you then make into your community.
I know a family who is facing the same challenge you are who is following the third option (paving their own path, looking to those who are accepting on a one by one basis).
It does sound like your perspective matches values in the MO world. However, there are wide ranges in levels of observance. There are people who call themselves modern who are not as careful with mitzvos( tznius, kashrus (they’ll eat salads in treif restaurants), negiya, etc). There are also people who call themselves modern (because of their openness to secular study, their willingness to interact with the world at large) yet are equally as machmir on shmiras hamitzvos as those in more traditionally right wing circles (careful with tznius, taharas hamishpacha, kashrus, and may not only set aside time for learning, but might learn in kollel after marrying).
It could be confusing navigating the modern circles when you’re seeking your place. There are so many shades of grey (women who love learning Torah and choose to become rabbis, women’s davening group, where they not only daven together, but actually have women layning). These are just some nuances to be aware of. The more you know yourself and your values (in detail) the better you’ll be able to find your place.
I understand that it’s incredibly difficult. H’ should guide you and help you find the best place for you with much ease.
Zeeskite
That is a great answer, especially because it came from a true gadol hador.
What’s giyur lechumra and why is that at odds with being from a mizrachi background?
Do you feel most at home in the Modern orthodox world because they’re more open towards your background or because you prefer/like/agree with the philosophy?
I wouldn’t want to see you choosing a direction merely because you think they’re the only ones that would be accepting of you.
I think you have to stop looking at who doesn’t accept you and look at who will (and who you’d want to associate with).
You’re experiencing it on a much greater level than others, but to a certain degree we all have to stop chasing the ghosts of those who don’t or didn’t want us, and look towards those who do. This is going to become particularly relevant when it comes to shidduchim.
If the Syrian community does not accept gairim, then it’s time to join another community. Previous poster is correct: the Sephardic community is very large and varied.
Do the temanim accept gairim?
If there are so many rabbonim who are accepting, perhaps they can help you find your place/a community that’s more welcoming.
There will be some FFB’s who will be open to meeting you, and some who won’t. A lot depends on how open minded the person and her family are.
It’s always wise to open yourself up to more opportunities. You might also find that you can relate better to a BT or a giyoret. It sounds like you considered yourself Jewish your whole life and only recently found out you were technically not considered Jewish (so you may have more in common with a BT).
Do you have a connection with any rabbis?
I think you should ask someone who knows you well whether they think you are ready to date.
People might feel more secure with the idea of meeting you if they know that you went through a traditional yeshiva, even part time evening learning.
If you are newly frum, it might be wiser to spend some time (full time, if you could) in a yeshiva (aish hatorah, ohr sameach). Even a year would be wonderful. I think there’s an ohr sameach in monsey, so, you could learn by day, and take some credits towards nursing at night.
I heard Noam was good
I agree with the Craigslist suggestion. There’s no obligation to purchase until you look at it. You can inquire as to the manufacturer to check quality. You can strip and refinish the top or purchase a piece of glass cut to size to cover it (as long as you’re not planning on expanding it periodically with leaves).
We bought fabulous dining room chairs from a very well to do couple. I knew the company and I loved the chairs (1/2 off the original price) so the decision was easy.
Very strange question.
Do you know someone like this???
Goq
I’m so sorry for the pain you’re feeling.
I know what it’s like to feel invisible. It happened to me on several occasions, and it really hurt me.
On one occasion, I was invited to a friend’s surprise bridal shower (we had been pretty close in the past, and lost touch). I happily came to the shower where EVERYONE was talking about the invitation and the upcoming wedding (I never received an invite). I was MORTIFIED and said nothing. When the kallah walked in, she saw me, and tried to fix it by awkwardly asking what my zip was, and, oh, she must have written the wrong zip (her reaction was a dead giveaway to all). Real busha.
I know it’s not the same thing. I think inviting everyone but one is rude.
You’re not the only one. I find it annoying too.
I usually wind up saying part of it by heart till I find the right page.
Girls get out of school what they put into it. No difference US sems vs Israeli ones. I went to both.
I agree with above posters.
We had such a mix in my sem.
I think it matters more how they see you. They might be summing you up based on your learning background and yeshivos, but that may not reflect the type of girl you want. I would ask those suggesting shidduchim to you what type of girl they see you with (and why) (meaning, why did they think of HER for you?) That may clue you in as to how they’re perceiving you.
Oomis
There are a lot of recipes you can make stovetop: Blintzes, cheese latkes, soups, pastas, mashed potatoes, brisket, schnitzel…
Two years in a row our oven broke erev pesach.
We don’t have our convection oven anymore, but I’m sure there are many brands on the market that can roast and bake as you wish.
Keep us posted….
Let me know if u need any recipes.
I think loops mean a warm personality.
Letters leaning in a particular direction mean dependent personality.
Crossing letters high up means a spiritual person.
We had a handwriting expert come to our seminary. I remember he analyzed samples of our writing and he was shockingly close in the way he described our personalities (without even knowing us).
Most people I know stuck within the range of what they knew. I know a number of stories of people who married spouses who were nothing Iike what they originally sought (YU marrying Yeshivish/Mir, Lakewood, etc).
Invite their kids over as soon as they start smoking. When they act surprised, tell them you figure they can breath in the second hand smoke together with you…
AHT
Did you get any information that was helpful?
I think role playing situations where you have confrontations might be helpful. Try to think of people who have good self esteem and imagine how they would respond (stand, walk, talk, etc) in these situations. Try to act “as if” in the privacy of your own home.
Popa
It’s possible to be depressed without a reason why. Not every emotion is situationally based (whether past or present). A person with bipolar/manic depression doesn’t necessarily have a background or life that provides more highs and lows. Furthermore, the mania and depression would likely not dissipate with meds if it were largely based on situation, not biochemical imbalance.