Yehudatzvi

They give you Valium or Xanax?

Aren’t those controlled meds?

Poster, are you ok ?

Hands down, milk chocolate (unfortunately).

Pizza is a good runner up, though.

How old is your son? I sometimes tell my older son (still very young) about when he meets his kallah how he will choose someone with good midos etc… Reinforce repeatedly the concept of healthy normal relationships by pointing them out and talking about them. The more you linger on a subject the more it remains in the head.

A Kallah could just be scared by the whole prospect of marriage. A relative approached me many years ago at her wedding and told me she was scared. Fear can cause person to look sad and even cry. She may have had a falling out with someone moments before the chuppah, may have had second thoughts (not indicative of a bleak future, just a fearful present)… Weddings are stressful (it’s a production) and can bring out the grouchies in people. I told my relative that fear doesn’t mean there is a problem (unless it has to do with a serious problem with the other person, which she did not have).

Shabbos morning when your chulent has been in the crockpot overnight! Yum! So hard to wait for kiddush!

You should not call directly. If the relationship was broken off by mutual consent than you have a better chance with her. If you broke her friends heart, unless your “ex’s” mental health issues are blatant and obvious to everyone, her friend may regard you as the bad guy (prior contact not withstanding).

She may or may not feel comfortable dating you, but it’s certainly worth asking (have someone she respects do it for you).

Years ago, someone sought me for a shidduch, who was previously married to a roommate from seminary. He was religiously what I was looking for, but it so creeped me out and I felt so much like I was betraying her that I declined the shidduch. Go in with an open mind, hopeful, and know that any possible snags may or may not be about you.

Hatzlacha!

Send some my way!!!!

She’s in my tefillos-good health ad meah v’esrim shanah!

I agree with Aries. A lot depends on the reasons they let it go in the first place. Maybe they couldn’t decide and didn’t want to drag it out. Maybe they thought they were ready to get married in general and then realized they needed more time. Frankly, if they compared you to another and therefore lost interest (I once was set up with someone who actually spoke of his interest in another girl we both knew who was married! Get a life!)I wouldn’t give them the time of day. There would be no future there. If his problem was his own that’s one thing. If his problem was with you, that’s another.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

It’s ok to set limits with her as you would with any employee. Imagine if you ran a company. You could set a policy of no personal calls (unless it’s an emergency) except during lunchtime or after hours. If she’s present for a lengthy period of time, hopefully you give her breaks. If the frequency of calls continues, you can point out to her that you notice that she has a lot of “emergencies” and that she’s having difficulty getting the work done. Ask her if she is able to refrain from talking or texting for “x” period of time (2 hours, 3 hours etc). If she says “no”, you have your answer as to whether to continue to employ her.

Minyan gal

I agree with you completely. No one should strive for mediocrity. My point was that we often get caught up in wanting the “package” to be complete beforehand. This is where I think the problems lay. I have cousins who married very young who later went for graduate degrees and doctorates. There’s no reason someone can’t strive to reach their potential and do their best, but I think it’s a mistake to either strive to complete this before marriage or only meet those who have accomplished this beforehand. If someone says being average is enough for them, that may be a red flag. On the other hand, if someone says “I have goals and I strive to accomplish them with time” that’s another story.

We had this one teacher in school, a Lubavitcher, who never wanted to embarrass a girl if she was disruptive or misbehaving in class. He had a very unique way of calling her attention to her behavior, without letting anyone know who he was speaking about (and, in fact, he probably caused a ripple effect of others shaping up at that moment also). He would say (without looking at anyone in particular)”she is talking” ” she is chewing gum”, and everyone would stop to figure out if he was talking about them. It was truly amazing and effective. he was one of the inspirational people I met along the way.

Minyan gal, I’m sorry for your loss

Goq, their behavior is very hurtful. Do you generally keep in touch with them?

I find that I too miss out on (less) important information, particularly when our contact wanes. It’s hurtful to me. I feel left out when I find out from my parents about an event second hand, like when they were being honored by their shul, or when a graduation passed (how did I not know!?! (an aunt).

I care about my family and I know that if I want contact that I must reach out and initiate it (I’m the outgoing one in the family).

What has affected me, and I know this sounds terrible, is that I was the one who wanted someone very frum and yet my siblings married, B’H, very frum men, and I’m tzintering about the frumkeit in my home. That makes it very hard for me to be close, not just with my family, but with friends. I don’t feel so sad about my life if I don’t see the brachos that other people have (frumkeit, parnasah, children, etc).The problem is, the only way to shield oneself is to pull away, and then you get the flip side of missing the contact.

Isn’t it “… An Indian chief”?

Volunteer work can help. I know lots of girls who worked at HASC and saw various professions like OT, PT, speech, special Ed, nursing, etc. Based on that, they were able to find their profession of choice. I thought I wanted OT, till I volunteered in a hospital where OT’s worked in multiple units. It was soooooo boring. The only thing I found remotely interesting was how they made casts. There’s no guarantee that you’ll like what you choose, though. I know someone who was accepted to dental school, paid for it, and weeks into the first year HATED it! He switched out, and lost the money he paid. He decided to become an actuary, and was much happier. The point being, like everything in life, do your research, get to know your preferences a bit, and then take a chance. You need to begin from a point of interest, though. If you have no idea what’s of interest, try volunteering in a place that exposes you to several choices, like a hospital or a special Ed program. Small businesses and law firms may take volunteers to help with minor office work, allowing you opportunities to speak with others in those professions.

I’m so impressed with what you’re saying. Maybe you’re one of the future gedolim. Maybe what you need to do is not just look for a yeshiva, but find a rav who can be your personal guide. Rabbi Rudinsky in Monsey, is fairly young and at an even younger age (shidduchim) had already completed learning much of Shas (if not all. I don’t remember). Speak with him. Maybe he can tell you how he did it in light of the current problem you are describing.

I went for one, and like you, hated it. The way I lasted, though was that a) they told me they would pull me out if I wanted at a moments notice (I definately have a bit of claustrophobia) b) they actually did several rounds that only lasted a few minutes each, which helped and c)strangely enough, I found that the lights inside had a silver interior that were cone shaped with what looked like lines. I counted the number of lines again and again until I thought I got an accurate count. Sounds crazy, but it literally took my mind off what was happening and allowed me to stay in, with my mind occupied. I think you may want to ask for some kind of med to relax you, though, as you’ll have a preconceived notion of what it will be like beforehand, and you want to go in relaxed. Also, ask them if they could break it up a bit, time wise, so you’ll feel like you won’t be in for that long of a stretch of time at any given moment.

Try quinoa salad.

Boil quinoa according to directions (buy pre-rinsed kind).

Add olive oil, lemon juice, cashews, craisins, chopped fresh mint leaves, and salt (serve at room temperature) Very delicious.

Kosher by design cookbook also has some amazing salad recipe’s. If you have the book, I can make some recommendations of salads I’ve made that guests loved.

MO is like a rainbow. You will find those from the very weak in shmiras hamitzvos to the very strong. The philosophy is something else to discuss. They don’t advocate not listening to rabbeim, SOME rely on kulos determined by rabbeim.