Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
msseeker
It’s true. They are not afraid of me. I’m not thrilled with the idea of potching. I’ve done it in the past, only to feel horrible afterwards. I need to find ways of motivating them without hurting them. I always thought I’d potch only for dangerous behavior like touching a stove, etc., but now I find myself wanting to potch for repeatedly not listening and chutzpah. I don’t want to have a relationship with them like that. I also can’t bribe them to go to sleep every night on time. It used to be so easy, but something changed. As they grow older, ba’h, they grow more independent and teach the younger ones, so now I have a group issue. I shortened my younger ones nap today and that seemed to have helped.
I think I have to try more exercise like nnuts recommended. What is the youngest age melatonin is safe to try?
a mamin: What is formula 609? Is it like melatonin? How did you hear about it?
I was also so impressed by it. I especially liked that the bachurim thought of this long ago and discussed implementing it at this time. It shows they’re thinking about achdus all year long, not just during the yamim noraim. Kol Hakavod!
deiyezooger
I often sit in my kids room in a chair reading, waiting for them to fall asleep. If I put them to bed at the same time, they laugh, joke, act silly, and keep each other awake. The bedtime routine sometimes takes HOURS! I collapse afterwards.
How do you get your kids to stop snickering and making noises? The big ones start the little ones going and then it’s hard to get the little ones to stop! Is there any way to get them in bed at the same time and keep them quiet without threats or constant rewards?
My little one will also continuously run out of bed, laughing, thinking he’s being cute (which of course he is, ba’h, but the cuteness wears off after multiple times of non-compliance!
Oh, I just found my answer under “tashlich” thread. Sorry!
We have an Ipad. It’s useful beyond surfing the web and reading books. My husband has taken notes on it, can do work/access his computer at work…
If you have kids it can be invaluable in keeping them busy when they need to sit quietly but are having trouble. You can access drawing games and pottery games for children, books, etc.
I don’t think you can have any of these features with the kindle or nook.
If you just want it for reading/learning, though, the above two may be enough.
We encourage our kids to say Good Shabbos to other frum yidden on the streets on shabbos. Sometimes we get a response, and often not. It does seem rude and we have to convince ourselves their lack of response is not out of maliciousness. I suspect that out of town this differs. I think it’s probably because frum people out of town have learned to appreciate the presence of other Jews, whereas, in NY, B’H, we’re a dime a dozen.
I have an additional question. What’s the story with throwing bread? I was told on yom tov not to throw, but what if you say tashlich during the week? Is this some silly minhag?
I’m having the same problem. I have to stagger bedtime in the hope that they don’t keep each other awake. Bedtime is torturous for me. It takes hours of chasing them back into bed, threatening to take away a toy (all this followed by bath, books, etc./ you would think that’s enough). I think they don’t get enough exercise. They sit all day in school, and I guess that doesn’t tire them out enough. I also might be putting them to bed too late and maybe they’re overtired (between 7-8 doesn’t seem too late, though). So, I don’t know. I’m at a loss myself.
I tried the melatonin as per doctor’s suggestion, but didn’t find it helped that much.
I’ve never heard of such a thing as using fish for kaporas. You’re kidding, right?
My husband gave our kids “jelly” fish on Rosh Hashanah for a “fish head”. That, I thought, was clever.
It’s totally normal to be shy. We all experience it from time to time (even the most outgoing). My sister is painfully shy, but I noticed when she married someone she is happy with her personality completely opened up. There are techniques that you can learn to deal with your shyness, if you feel it’s debilitating.
I think shyness is based on fear and being completely “associated” with that emotion.
You might want to try practicing “disassociating” when you’re in a relaxed situation without social pressure. What that means is be aware of yourself as though you are a third party observing workinonit from the sidelines. I think this technique works for anything, including anger. You become an observer rather than the person experiencing it. You’ll be able to practice separating from those fears.
Also, try to pay attention to your (irrational) fears that you are silently thinking. Practice challenging the premise of those fears (ie: “I’ll say something silly/irrelevant and I’ll feel awkward and I will not be able to
handle it”).
Finally, notice in what contexts or around whom you are shy(weddings, meeting new people, group
conversations). You might be able to practice the behaviors of someone who is outgoing (act “as if”), or notice a trend of a topic others frequently talk about which you can learn more about so that you can participate ( notice trends and prepare).
I hope this helps a bit.
Get Tylenol suppositories and caffeine suppositories. It will, at least, help you feel human and basically functional. You can also try kalei tzom (I think that’s what they’re called). They’re nutritional supplements (pills) that are sold at kosher supermarkets, and they’re supposed to help with fasting. I find that it does help a bit.
It’s also easier to fast when you haven’t been gorging all week (your stomach shrinks).
Does anyone else notice that there have been a tremendous amount of petiras of rabbonim in the last few months, r’l??
Sharfmans is very hashkafic oriented. I think they tend to get girls from more modern backgrounds who are leaning towards being more yeshivish.
What’s your background and what type of sem/girls are you looking for??
I went to sem for years, both in eretz YISRAEL and the US.
There is a lot more adjustment that has to take place going to Eretz YISRAEL: language (learning Chumash is not knowing how to speak ivrit), planning places for shabbos (it can be a hassle and worrisome, not knowing where to go when the dorms are emptying out and you’re not accustomed to calling and asking to be someone’s guest)….
There might be things that you can do to ease her transition. If you have relatives/cousins in aretz, maybe you can reach out to them to invite her. My parents have tons of cousins there, but I was too uncomfortable asking to be someone’s guest. It’s just not done here, and girls may have a hard time taking your word for it that it’s normal there. I disagree with the whole “cold turkey” concept. Sending a child to eretz YISRAEL does not mean abandoning them and forcing them to learn to make do. We don’t go from zero to 60 in two seconds flat. Give her the tools she needs to manage. Her tears and fears also do not mean you have made a mistake, either. I would not be quick to respond at this point. Wait it out at least till mid winter break. That will give her a chance to try to make friends, go on tiyulim, experience yom tov in aretz (incomparable to anywhere else)…
Both you and she will always wonder, if you don’t give it enough of a chance.
I know of someone who’s father paid thousands of dollars for dental school for his son, only to lose it several weeks into first semester when the son dropped out and switched to an actuarial program. That’s part of parenting. We don’t know what investments will bring returns, but we have to try.
This is the wrong time to expect gratitude from her. She’s busy trying to adjust and tending to her own needs.
My older sister, a’h, never went to sem in Israel, because my parents thought sending a daughter away inappropriate. They later realized how much she wanted to go and that it was commonly done and sent her for a summer there. It was NOT the same.
No matter how terrible you feel about her concerns, project a positive attitude. Listen to her, empathize with her, and finally, model a healthier coping attitude that includes delaying decisions, allowing problems a chance to become resolved, and expecting good things to happen.
Do you drink chalav stam or only chalav YISRAEL?
There’s a milk on the market called skim plus. It’s skim milk, but richer in taste than the more watered down tasting skims on the market. It is chalav stam, though.
Ir,
The coffee/study aid package is a great idea and very cute. I think flowers are more romantic and therefore a little different. I had a second date scheduled with my husband for a particular night, and got sick and had to postpone. He was so sweet. He stopped over momentarily just to bring a box of tissues, to be thoughtful. It sounds strange, but it actually made a nice impression. I guess part of how a gift is received is whether the recipient likes you equally and is on the same page. If so, they will receive your gift with eagerness and excitement. If not, with dread and trepidation. Only you can answer that.
Taking a break.
Yes, that is what I am saying. It takes much more physical energy to raise kids than work and keep a home. I’ve done all three and I can attest to that. Certainly it depends upon the child/children. I’ve seen parents who can take their kids to the pizza store and enjoy their meal together, and other mothers who are jumping up every second trying to prevent a disaster, who are ar their wits end screaming, threatening consequences…
It can feel like world war III on a constant basis. Thank G-d, none or most of you have never felt this to this degree. I have and have seen countless women struggle with this. Sharing the responsibility so that a person doesn’t feel like their going to “keel over” does not make them “less than”. It means they are aware of their limitations and work with them to the best of their ability. This is different than seeking intellectual stimulation. For those women, I’d say, there’s so much to know about how to raise kids well. You can never read or learn enough, and if you want to learn more, do it when your parenting duties are over for the day, not when your kids are begging for your attention. I think it comes down to why people are looking for a break: because they can’t give enough to the kids so they need supports, or because they yearn for more for themselves. Those are two very different things.
Gefen,
My story is the opposite. A guy I went out with sent me a huge bouquet after one of the first dates. I freaked out. It was way too soon, and it did not make a good impression. My parents got more excited than me and it made me feel pressured.
No flowers, yet. Anything you send will send the message that you’re interested. I’d wait till sukkos, when you’ll have another week and a half to meet once or twice more, then send something (candy or fruit) platter as a general gesture of good will to the family for the chag.
How many of you have a child with a disability, who comes home, wrecks your house, steals, breaks things, who literally will not give you a moment of peace? It’s so easy to say what we should be, but how many of you actually know what it is to have a child with issues? So, you might say, we’re not talking about a child like that, we’re talking about the typically developing child. So, what about the parent who desperately wants children, because she loves children and wants to raise them, and then finds that her physical energy and stamina is just insufficient to match the needs of her children? You dream of the ideal woman who has boundless means of energy, when many women that I know struggle just to keep up with their kids and wind up screaming in exasperation? How would a woman know as she’s having her kids that as they grow she’d feel like this? It is true, that once upon a time people had family to turn to to share their responsibilities. No more. Women are expected to do it all on their own. For shame if she hires help. It means she'”less than”. Stop judging people. You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. In theory I agree, but we don’t live in a theory based world.
It may mean different things to different people. If I were to use that term, it would usually mean she’s pretty outstanding in one or more areas (she’s got a lot going for her…midos, frumkeit, etc.).
Aries,
Think for a minute, why do you think people would tell so called “strangers” the meanest things they’ve ever done??
I can see anger or indignation if it’s used to brag about being nasty, but, in more than one case that’s not what happened. Some people used this thread as an opportunity to bare their secrets of interactions they’ve had with others that they regret. The funny thing is that because of this thread I recalled events that occurred that I long put out of my mind. It can actually give one the chance to consider their past deeds (that they may have forgotten) and resolve to do/act better or make amends. So, although it might be true that for some this is a way of laughing at meanness, to others it might be something else. I also, frankly, don’t see the harm finding humor in the escapades of youth, though surely by adulthood these kinds of practical jokes should be long behind a person.
It’s in queens. It’s supposed to be a really excellent yeshiva. My nephew is there now. He was deciding between Y. Of Philadelphia or shaar hatorah and chose the latter because it’s closer. I don’t know if they allow college, but I’ll try to ask.
Why can’t you get the haircut when you need it (it’s close enough that you will not need another) and just say “lekavod yom tov” as you sit down in the barbers chair? I think the point of it is that you elevate what you are doing, which you will be by declaring it lekavod yom tov. A woman can bake a challah on Monday (and freeze it) and still say lekavod shabbos Kodesh as she bakes. It still applies and is just as meaningful.
What about a young child who has a learning disability because of a health issue? I registered my child in a wonderful frum playgroup near my house, but had to give up the frum education for 1-2 years because of my child’s issues. We were told by several therapists and playgroup morah that he needed a special setting at least for the time being to support his needs and delays. Believe me, I worry about the frumkeit he is missing out on (he’s in a class with almost all frum kids) but with NO Yiddishkeit, Torah, etc. It’s a therapeutic school. All these children and parents have no choice. The kids will have to learn about Yiddishkeit from the home only. It’s not ideal, but in some cases necessary.
A child who has no issues should attend yeshiva. Even when very young, children still absorb that which they’re taught. My three year old heard a song my husband played on the radio in the car (“I like it like that”) and began singing it. I was HORRIFIED!!! They do listen and they do learn!
Yeshiva is just not their priority. If it were, they could find a school (maybe not their first choice) where the wife would not have to work so hard to meet tuition. There are very few people who can send their kids to Public schools and still educate their kids properly in Yiddishkeit. They will be isolated socially and viewed differently by all. In our parents generation it was more common for frum people to go to public school because there were not that many yeshivas. Even t.v. Is not what it once was. It was pretty innocent 30-40 years ago. Now, the filth. When children are paired with kids from homes who don’t share our values, they, by extension, they expose their own kids to the same negative values that their peers are exposed to in the home.
Springbok,
I didn’t know today’s the yaahretzeit. Thank you for telling us.
Alan,
I’m sorry I was hurtful with my words. It was uncalled for.
Ursula and common sense, thanks for understanding. It doesn’t take my sadness away, but maybe a little bit of my guilt.
Always runs,
What makes you smart and kind is your ability to look back at a situation and be able to re-assess it and choose to react differently (even if the situation or opportunity to react differently hasn’t arisen yet.
Syag,
I am so sorry for your loss. I’m so saddened to hear. I have you in my prayers.
I think donating is the greatest way to give of oneself, but not everyone is up for the challenge. It’s very important to be very well informed. Writing here is a good beginning towards getting information. It’s just that, though; a beginning.
Such an undertaking has to be taken with careful thought and consideration. A person would be wise to speak with as many people as possible (donors as well as recipients) as well as top medical professionals who can shed light (statistical and case examples) of positive and negative reactions to the surgery. Elective surgery should not be taken lightly.
Alan
How would you like me to respond to that? Clearly, I too don’t feel very good about it if I mentioned it was the meanest thing that went unknown. I’m not sure why you’re telling me it makes you sick. To make me feel guilty? I already do.
Maybe the meanest thing you’ve ever done was tell someone who lost a sibling that something they did (that they feel bad about) makes you sick.
Many people will miss your posts if you leave. Not all disagree with you posts, and, in fact, your open-mindedness and willingness to grow is an inspiration. People will lose out if you leave. I, too have felt like leaving in the past when some of my posts didn’t make it through. I’m glad I stayed for the support I continue to give and receive. I hope you’ll feel the same.
Someone I dated told me he Davened that our shidduch should work out. I was having issues with him and hesitating and shlepping for a long while and later, after we decided to end it he told me he recently changed his tefillos to “if it’s good for me, let it be, if not, not”. I thought that was pretty ironic. The power of tefillah. Be careful what you wish (ask) for, lest it come true. Just because you believe someone or something is amazing, doesn’t mean it’s amazing for you. Better to Daven to be granted what’s good for you, and if “this” is “it”, that you should have clarity to see it.
When I was in grad school, our professor was very late. All the students decided after the designated amount of time that students were required to wait that they would simply leave. I knew that if I were to stay, that the school would look at their absences differently. So I left with them. I later heard that he arrived late and was very upset. This is a professor who had come to my defense when my internship supervisor was harassing me, and told her I was one of the best students in the class. Yeah, right.
Ok, so I know my story is a downer, but please don’t let that stop you from telling your stories. I find it amusing and a good pick me up.
Am YISRAEL,
I don’t understand the story.
What was the point that the rosh yeshiva wanted to make? That the talmid is not a Torah scholar or that he didn’t consider himself one, or that he is one and that it isn’t beneath him (then why agree that it’s beneath a Torah scholar)? Sorry, I’m confused.
We only have two machines in our building for 70 families, so you can imagine the long lines and dragging bags up and down with kids. What a nuisance. We finally started sending our laundry out. I either drop it at a laundromat or send it out. The one time, recently, that I attempted to do it myself, I took my eyes off my little one briefly to load the machine and the next thing I knew, he was SCREAMING that his fingers got caught in a door! So now I’m back to dropping it off. The dishes are mostly me, with my husband helping only occasionally.
The woman who used to clean for me used to sweep around objects, not under them. As soon as I let her go, I picked up some objects, bags in my room, and whoa! My son moved his floor mat yesterday and it looked like it hadn’t been swept underneath for weeks, if not months. She was cutting corners.
She also used to put our wet dripping dirty kitchen garbage can on our foyer carpet (while cleaning the kitchen). Needless to say, I asked her twice not to do this, and even showed her where to put it. By the time she did it a third time, I was pretty exasperated.
Where are the leaders/rabbonim of these chassidim? If they don’t like how they are dressed, let them be mekarev the girls/ their families through kindness and joy, not through hurtful comments and actions. They want to drive the “evil” away, but instead they drive the girls away. How sad.
Kol hakavod that you’re looking to return it. You’re going to get e tremendous schar for this mitzvah. The more difficult to find the owner, the more enticing it is to want to keep the money, the greater your schar will be. In a way, you’re fortunate that this happened, and that you got the chance to do this mitzvah right before the yamim nor aim. H’ gave you a chance to earn great schar!
Hmmm, I hear.
What if they just had a form to fill out that was sent to all the singles. Then one or two designated volunteers could type up the info by categories: male / female, age bracket, hashkafah, Cohen, lifestyle choice (working/learning/preferences), general physical description and personality, references. The info could then be sent in to a home base where the profiles are reviewed and matched. Maybe not everyone would avail themselves of this kind of a service, but some might. At the very least, it might lead to some otherwise unknown options.
Imaofthree,
Unfortunately, they didn’t stay loyal. Either they got more money from others or may house was too messy! Who knows?
Cinderella,
That’s hysterical! Sorry, you probably weren’t laughing at the time!
NYBD,
I saw that girl only once or twice afterwards. B’H she’s happily married. I think she saw me differently after that event. Too bad. She wasn’t wrong. She was too nice to say anything, though.
I’ve done some pretty mean things on dates. Once a guy I was so not interested in asked to go out with me. I painfully agreed, and then stood him up after we made plans to meet at a particular place. I think he waited for a really long time. Yikes. I think I stood one other person up as well, who I also wasn’t interested in. It was so out of character for me.
The meanest thing I ever did, that wasn’t known about, was get mad at my sister when she was sick with cancer. I came home from a date and found her sitting in our kitchen with one of those tight chassidishe snoods (she had lost her hair). We are not chassidishe, nor, do I recall, was she married yet, at the time. I was mortified for my date
to see her and do a double take, and I was very angry at her for being downstairs. Thank G-d I never told her.
It was mean, though, even though she probably didn’t know how I felt.
I, myself, did cleaning for families while I was a sem student in Israel. I worked for several families and had such different experiences at each. One woman never spoke a word to me and would rush me out of there before her kids came home (like she didn’t want them to see me). Another was so nice. After I cleaned, she would sit me down at her kitchen table and give me kugel and some of her shabbos food she had just prepared (Thursday night) and sit with me. I really learned a lot about how to treat vs. how not to treat people. I try to give a cup of coffee and a few cookies when they first come in if they’ve traveled far. I try to make good lunches for them. I introduce them to others if I meet someone I know while with them. I try to talk to them, and ask them about themselves, their families, where they are from etc. I make a real effort to treat them with respect, which is why, when they simply don’t show, or bring others etc, it really changes the dynamics in the relationship (the trust). My husband thinks I go too far, but given my experience, I see the difference extra kindnesses can make.
I gulp every time I think of my friends who are not married. It might seem like I don’t care, but I simply don’t know people for them. What do the rest of you think of the idea of having a database in each shul with the names of the singles, which can then be cross referenced nationally?
There’s actually a woman with autism who, with encouragement, was able to go to college and eventually became a university professor. She actually changed the face of animal care in the united states by recognizing years ago the brutal treatment cattle and livestock were undergoing. She formulated a plan that allowed slaughterhouses to move the cattle in an efficient way without terrorizing, injuring or drowning them, which had formerly been occurring across the nation.
People began to understand that individuals with autism can be very intelligent and can contribute greatly to society. Their unique way of seeing the world, which they were once ridiculed for, then began to be seen as a gift.
It depends upon each individuals level of functioning and competency. A person with autism who might be developmentally delayed in other ways can live in a group home (ohel/bais Ezra and many other agencies have them) with round the clock supervision and care. They can go to workshops during the day and return to the group home afterwards. Someone who is higher functioning and capable of taking on a more independent lifestyle can live in supportive apartments (with staff checking in on them periodically, but not with them constantly) and they can hold jobs. People with aspergers (higher functioning with autism) may be able to live very independent full lifestyles.
Lakewoodbt
I’m not sure I’ve really given up. It definitely slows me down, though.
I think we need a database system that could be used “universally” at all Shuls. Criteria are entered by each member in the privacy of their own homes. Singles can then be asked if their names can be entered in the national database system for orthodox singles.
One of the problems I’ve seen is some people lack the ability to put themselves together (appearance) and project a very poor image outwardly (demeanor, tone of voice, posture, personality/ they whine a lot, etc). Some very good, otherwise eligible, people don’t get dates because of this. They then become very defensive not wanting to change/be changed. The longer someone is “out there” the more vulnerable and insecure they feel. Trying to alter their image, somehow, is taken to mean that they are not good enough. It is perceived as an attack on them, rather than an attack of the problem. When I was single, I had my first cousin go through my entire closet with me and critic my clothing in order to let me know what I needed to discard that wasn’t flattering for me, versus what was worth keeping. We all have to be open to modifying ourselves to some degree, if needed.