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Hey! Am yisrael! Welcome back! So glad you’re here!
I agree 100%. It’s a hard question for people to ask themselves given the pressure to conform and do “things” in a timely fashion. I think lying to oneself about this, though, only increases grief in the long run, by dating endlessly and breaking hearts. I think honesty has to be on many fronts, not just when to marry but who to marry (what kind of person do YOU really want).
I would suggest you tell your friend to call upscale expensive salons in the city to inquire about suggestions/treatment options before she chooses a method or place (have her go for a consultation). The fee will probably be minimal, or free. She can then choose to go elsewhere to have the work done, if she so wishes. No salon will turn down a customer who is ready to plunk down money and asks for something specific (as though they know what they want and need, and the salon goes with that). Have her ask them what are her choices. Try the “John Barrett salon” in Bergdoff Goodman(New York City).. They are true professionals and have probably seen everything.
A “next page” button to click on for posts. I can never remember what to type in on the bar above.
Beautiful dvar torah. I love the part about the fur coat versus the thermostat. Very insightful and great example. Thank you so much for posting!
My little one saw a picture of a deer with antlers and said a moose has “earrings” also.
My kids saw the moon one night when it was cloudy in the sky and said “the moon is very frizzy” (fuzzy).
Judging from the nature of the imposition, my guess is that until you are married this is bound to come up again. That being said, although I do think it merits a conversation with her about what makes you uncomfortable (her asking your chassan for money), I also believe you have to know your “customer”. There are some people who just have trouble hearing mussar, and it’s like talking to a brick wall. Is this someone who has personal insight? Furthermore, do you foresee her inappropriateness coming up in other ways post-wedding?? If so, it comes down to talking with her (if you think it will help) or distancing yourself from her.
Interestingly, when I read your second post of her “avairahs, I actually thought, in some ways, how lucky you are to have friends who “do too much” or fight over responsibilities. My mother had to call my close friends to help with things. They just weren’t the type to take charge.
The truth is, if your chassan is cool with it, I’d say “don’t sweat it too much”. He’s got to be a big boy and stand up for himself (and you need to let him) or after marriage you’re liable to maximize this role of protector of people taking advantage of your sweetie (and it may be fun for now, but it can grow tiresome and irritating if he doesn’t stand up for himself ). I’d let him practice this role now and try to adjust to his being a laid back personality.
I don’t know if you’ll read this (AmYisrael), as you haven’t written in a while, but I wanted to say something on the chance that you will.
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t know where I’ve been but I just read that you sat shiva.
I remember reading your post about how sad you were that you were not in Israel and that you needed to speak with family. I misunderstood, and thought this was about a yaahretzeit. I failed to respond, believe it or not, I guess because I felt silly responding to someone who seems so wise. I felt I had nothing to say that could help (but it was not a sign of my lack of caring c”v).
I want you to know how appreciative I am for all your kindness in the past, your taking the time to write and try to help. Your caring helped. I’m sorry that the gift you offered me (of caring with words) I failed to offer you in return. If there’s anything I can give you at this time, it’s just to tell you how much your caring to take the time to respond and give support has helped and I wish you only comfort and goodness.
AM Yisrael,
I too hope that you will return.
Your kindness and wisdom is valued and very much needed here. You are one of those calm voices of reason that helps us think straight and know that someone out there cares.
Know, that you are valued, and when you are ready, we look forward to your return.
🙂
Mazel tov!
May you have MUCH nachas from them both and be zoche to raise them l’torah, lechupah, ulemaasim tovim!
I stopped eating for days and sunk into a real depression. I broke it, but what made it so difficult was trying to understand what was wrong with me (after I heard he had gotten married to someone else). It wasn’t that I wanted him, just that I couldn’t understand why I was having such a hard time. I was back to myself a week or two later. I think the time helped the most, and being very honest with myself about all aspects, not just the positive.
Smartcookie
I totally agree with you. Frankly, with this whole insanity of “my future wife/kallah can’t be too skinny/skinny enough” I think suggesting women be satisfied with tichels is just way off base. The only way women can do such a thing is if their husbands are ok with it and can even convey that they are beautiful as such. We’re very far from that kind of an existence. Telling women to wear things that many men think are ugly (my husband calls tichels a sock) would only serve to be machshil people.
I’ve had the $500 Shaitels and the $3500 Shaitels and I can tell you there is a big difference, IMHO.
The 3500 one is matched to your specifications, color, cap size, etc. The 500 one (in my experience) had little elastic bands to tighten the fit (not as well made), was machine made (had rows of fabric with hair tied on vs. Solid net cap. The difference there is major. I once sat on a bus behind a woman with a Shaitel with fabric “rows”. When the hair moved even slightly, I could see the fabric lines. I wanted to tell her but realized she’d just be ashamed. Don’t assume it’s invisible. It’s not. Especially when the wind blows. My expensive customs were so well made that on occasion my husband thought I had yet to put on my Shaitel when it was already on! There can also be additional issues withquality that go unseen initially, such as clumping and knotting of hair at the nape of the neck. All Shaitels need to be brushed out bait, but I’ve heard some real horror stories from people about this.
Only truth
Have you broken or been through broken engagement yourself??
I think if a very personal question is asked it’s only fair that others know whether you’re asking this for personal chizuk or stam as a topic of conversation.
Can’ttell you about the android, but the iPhone is the best.
I have no idea what the goyim think.
How old do the children and the aidim have to be to be considered “kosher”? What if it’s clear that it’s just “pretend” play to all?
The first issue you encountered sounds strange. I think you should address it publicly, should it arise again.
Whatever made you blush when speaking with your frum patient, probably just rolled off her back. Once a woman has a baby, she just doesn’t think about things the same way. You’re single, so you feel differently (at the moment). However, I think that will change soon enough, being in the medical field.
It sounds like a very stimulating environment to work in. Enjoy!
Just because something is posted on Wikipedia does not make it public knowledge in the frum world. Most people, presumably, would not spend their time searching the real last name of a comedian. I don’t believe there is any practical purpose to discussing this. If there is ANY shame brought upon this family by this thread, then all those who contribute partake in the aveira. It’s time to end this frivolous discussion.
If you truly want to spend your time being osek bemitzvos, please guide me with a problem I just became aware of, that can affect MANY (I will post, IY’H, on a follow-up thread).
Ask her to officially make extra for you to eat erev yom tov.
I’d get pretty peeved if my husband ate my food before the chag. Although I pretty much always cook too much and we wind up with leftovers, I wouldn’t appreciate the anxiety it would cause me to worry that we wouldn’t have enough! Also, many dishes take hours to make, so expecting her to just “make more” is just silly. No one wants more work after working!
You’re going to age anyway. Why not do what you want?
If you can make it in, I say go for it.
If not, you’ll have already achieved the prerequisites to apply for another health profession (nursing, PA, etc).
Besides, you don’t have to wait the full 10-14 years to begin getting paid. True, you might not see the full extent of your salary until later, however, if I’m correct, you will still get paid while doing your internship and residency.
More so, you’ll have a great chance of having a great profession in which you can work independently and long term.
The only obstacle that I see is that you said you have many children. You need to have a very concrete plan of how you are going to raise them during your years of study, which can be very time consuming. My aunt studied law when her kids were in high school, and I don’t think she has one ounce of regret. They were older, though, and able to care for themselves. I think you should speak with other women with children who went to medical school. They can give you a better picture of what to expect and how it can be done.
What is “throff”?
WHAT?!
PLEASE……Tell me you are JOKING!
Professional therapists with years of special training and experience get paid these prices!
What are we talking about?!
I think these prices are outrageous!
I know it’s not babysitting, but come on!
A teacher can charge a higher price as this is her field of expertise. Still, considering a teachers salary is probably in the range of 40-50K, at most, a year, paying 60-80 per hour seems steep (especially because usually, many hours of tutoring is typically required to help students).
I think anything more than 40 or 50 is inappropriate to ask (unless you’re the greatest thing going).
beware the citi mini. I had a slightly better/bigger one from the same company and it tipped constantly (backwards!) anytime I put bags in the handles. It’s an easy fold and great for walking and pushing, but in my opinion, too dangerous.
Maclarens are very convenient, however, I had a quest which becomes harder to push with a toddler (it’s a lightweight umbrella stroller). I also had the most expensive maclaren, that went up to 65 lbs (I think) and had handles that extended. It is not 3 wheels, though (I think they have a three wheel model). The handlebars became sticky and kind of melted over time. I didn’t want to touch the handlebars after a while. Maybe now the newer versions are better. The lock broke off, making a folding stroller very long and cumbersome to carry.
Personally, I’d go for the bugaboo bee. It is small, less money than the bigger models, comes with a cacoon for the baby. When I went shopping, that was the stroller the sales people said they would personally choose. You might be able to find one online second hand. You can try a frum magazine classifieds. Don’t be so afraid of craigslist. We bought an amazing set of dining room chairs from west elm (second hand) for half price in NEW condition from a couple in a very good neighborhood. You can get pretty good deals there, if you keep looking.
There’s a lot that goes into shidduchim besides dress size. Looks/appearance is based on overall presentation, which includes dress (not size, but whether style is complimentary), communication style(whiny complaining or shrill voices don’t cut it), confidence (posture/how a person holds themselves)…
A girl who’s average weight, not super thin, but dresses very well, is warm engaging and outgoing, and stands with great posture (took ballet, is graceful), will turn more heads and invite more opportunities.
A girl who isn’t obese, but her hair has no style, she dresses like a much older woman will rarely invite offers for dates.
There’s nothing wrong with turning down a shidduch because of lack of attraction. Personally, I think it’s ridiculously shallow to decide to only be attracted to ultra skinny girls. It’s even sadder for the future wives of these men who then have to spend their lives trying to live up to an image. I don’t buy that it’s how men are built (only attracted to size 2’s). I think it’s an indulgence that some men allow themselves. Have a talk with Rabbi Goldwasser who counsels women with eating disorders, and see how fast he tells the guys that that belief is nurishkeit.
Littleapple
Thank you so much.
If we describe a lack of tznius as drawing attention to oneself, then by that definition, any woman brisk walking on Ocean Parkway is behaving immodestly.
I think, to a degree, tznius is a personal sensitivity. I used to ask my mother before going out on dates if I looked tzniusdik (and often felt I didn’t because of the makeup I wore, etc.). Still, it would probably be inappropriate to go on a date SANS makeup.
Certainly, a man should not have to look at his wife and hate her mode of dress. You need to bring your feelings to your wife’s attention, and ask her if she could, perhaps, alter the robe, slightly, to meet both of your standards. When in doubt, you could always ask her to check with her rebbetzin and/or friends, who would check both the appearance and the tznius factor.
The wood frame sits on top of the schach (with the tarp rolled up, pinned, waiting to be unrolled) the whole sukkos? We’re allowed to put something “permanent” on top of the schach??
ps. you’re drawing/explanation worked! I get it. Thanks!
Isn’t there an issue with opening a “tent” on shabbos (umbrella, etc.)? How are we allowed to open a tarp? Is this issur during shabbos only, or also during Yom Tov? Sorry, I can’t remember from last year.
Bein Hasdorim
I thought the top of the sukkah had to be flat. I’ve never seen a sukkah with the schach on a slant. It sounds like you’re describing the triangular roof of a house, where the center is higher than the sides. I get the tube inside, a great idea. Could you please explain further the slope?
WOW!
Beautiful tefilah.
What a special person you are to be able to write this. May H’ hear your tefilos, and answer the tefilos of all, soon!
Long or short (shaitel), a woman feels different once her hair is covered. Feeling different leads to acting different.
I think Tzirel is a derivative of “Sarah”.
I also heard Tzirung is a precious gem.
This thread makes me so proud to be part of the Jewish people. I’m ashamed not to know so much and inspired to learn more. H’ must be shepping nachas.
If only the goyim could see the games that you play…
I was once on a date where the guy accidentally turned onto one of the busiest avenues in the city, the WRONG WAY (into oncoming traffic)! To say I was terrified would be the understatement of the century!
On another date (a different person), second date, he took me bowling. I volunteered to enter our names into the “computer”. Of course, I had a momentary lapse of memory, and couldn’t remember his name! Now that’s embarrassing!
What made you choose your career/yeshiva (as opposed to another)? Or, how did you choose it? People love to talk about what leads them to make their choices. It will also give you information about them and their personality.
I guess halacha is on their side. If they own the property, whether it seems morally right or wrong, they are in the right.
Isn’t Toras Moshe an elementary school in Queens?
Their parking lot is HUGE. I can understand not wanting “non-customers” to park in the spaces closest to the stores, but further away?? Unless most spots are filled, I still see no reason to cause agmas nefesh and have a car towed. I understand it’s private property, but if it’s an empty lot, built to “house” hundreds of cars, what’s the problem?