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I don’t really have a real answer except to say it depends on the circumstances. If the original one sitting got up to momentarily use the bathroom and another took his seat, than the second one, I would think, should vacate. On the other hand, if the original one sitting leaves their seat to attend to another activity (play elsewhere, etc) and merely claims the seat as his for as long as he wants, than I guess that’s wrong. Obviously this is not a halachik response. Maybe they need to learn to announce “I’ll be right back, I’m sitting here” so it becomes official.
Ironic that an incident just came up in the news about DWI in the frum community.
I know one personally (relative of a relative; met once or twice/frum) another I know of through a friend. I would imagine since there are frum cops it’s possible to be shomer Shabbos. I wouldn’t let a long list deter you if it’s what you want. I was told while in college the profession of my choice was flooded. Guess what? Years later it still is and girls are still going into these professions AND getting jobs.
Drinking problem: someone who turns to alcohol to cope. Those I know typically don’t stop at a third or half a cup but can polish off half a bottle or more at a sitting. This is not a scientific definition but one based upon personal observation and opinion. I don’t know many with this problem, but, then again, I don’t know many who whip out the wine mid-week for anything.
If one can sip a little for flavor, ok, maybe.
Alcoholism is an addiction. Think of smoking. If someone does it recreationally, they’re teaching their bodies to get used to the nicotine and may have to fight wanting more. So too with drinking. It’s a pandora’s box. Why open it??
The only people I know who do drink during the week do have a drinking problem. So, although I get your comparison, I’m speaking from personal experience (not everyone).
When I was dating, if a guy ordered a glass of wine on a date (except in celebration of something) I’d think it odd and wonder if he had a drinking problem. So, I’m not so sure I’d think it’s ok for a guy either. What’s wrong with grape juice? At most a fruity light wine like moscato d’asti I could see on a rare ocassion, but more than that?? Strange to me.
Popa
LOL! Ego boost!
Denim girl,
Listen to popa.
His joke really explains best of all the reason it’s not appropriate.
First impressions are lasting impressions.
Think about it. Would you want a guy bringing you to their yeshiva dining room for your first date (apart from the onlookers)?
How about your date showing up grungy after a long day? Even if he straightens out his clothing, he just isn’t his best.
Men are very visual. The efforts you make to look nice show how much you value your date. You might think a jean skirt looks nice, but many men wil not look at this as a flattering look. Think about it this way: casual look, casual interest.
I agree with aries as well. This is a discussion your husband needs to have with him. He’s infringing on a marriage and if you don’t establish appropriate boundaries with him now, he isn’t likely to “get it” on his own.
Notice your body language on days you’re feeling happy vs days when you might be more down. On the days when you’re happier, you probably look up more, make/hold eye contact, maybe smile… These all indicate friendliness and approachability. On days when you might feel more down or under the weather, your eyes might be downcast more often, you may not look at people etc… We “read” each other as we walk by.
Saving cut nails for an entire year sounds totally gross!
Cinderella,
It’s a good question, but, I think if you ask a manicurist to cut every other nail (in an order) they’re going to think you’ve lost it.
I learned in sem the same as Israeli.
If you’ve already been accepted to another program, you have nothing to fear by contacting the desired school and asking them this question. I would even suggest you call to confirm that they received your application. I applied to several programs, and asked several people to send in recommendation letters for me. Turns out, my “choice” school received one of the recommendation letters “too late” (incomplete application) and I was closed out of the following semester. I chose not to delay grad school and went elsewhere.
Call and confirm that they received your application and that it is complete. Then ask what is the interviewing process (meaning, when can you expect to hear).
Why can’t both toe and finger nails be cut on the same day?
Also….how important is it to “gather” the nails in a tissue and flush them??
My kids freak out when I have to cut their nails… Making sure to catch it in a tissue is a near impossibility. Dividing fingers and toes to two separate days is likewise torturous.
Let me rephrase that…
Tell me this isn’t ice cream’s silliness. Ice cream, ok, the silliness, not so ok.
I think in the binah magazine they recently had an article a woman wrote about being barren for many years. She heard about a rav, if you Daven by his kever,, it’s a segulah for having children. She went and poured out her heart and within a year, I think, gave birth. She then went for her best friend, who was also barren for many years, who then also gave birth within a year. I’ll try to find out more info, bli neder.
Which is the day you shouldn’t cut, Wednesday or Thursday (and is that evening)?
Tell me this isn’t ice cream…. Ugh….
Ditch the booze….
If you can’t cope properly with the stresses of dating, how are you going to cope with the stresses of marriage??
Practice healthy living.
Dating should not be SOOO stressful. Sounds like it might be your attitude and approach to dating.
Now, I’m not exactly the one to talk to when it comes to advice about dating, but having “dated” a lot, I can tell you, you shouldn’t be THAT stressed out.
Why are you stressing??
Ice
FINALLY a funny!
Keep it up!
Mods, just curious how many I have???
Ice
I think you’re just bored.
It was interesting at first, but now it’s just annoying.
Please find your entertainment elsewhere, unless you’re looking for support (in which case, be honest in all ways. If you can’t, then please seek support with people who will have patience for dishonesty).
I think there’s a difference between living ostentatiously and wanting to live comfortably. The first is a form of bragging (which can bring about ayin harah, jealousy, etc).
When we see a goy living in a beautiful home, do we say “dirty goy who steals and owns all the banks, media, etc”? Of course not. Those thoughts are pure anti-semitism/illogical based on jealousy. I’ve heard of rabbanim who have homes that look “eh” on the outside and really beautiful on the inside. To me, that makes sense. However, once a non-jewish delivery person or technician walks in, you’re inviting jealousy once again. So, where do efforts to keep ones wealth hidden end?? I think we have to know whether we do/have things to incite jealousy (some do) or to make our lives pleasant and comfortable, and not base decisions on other people who have issues.
WHy, do you know someone who’s looking for a job or are you planning on being the first male madrich in an all female seminary (aren’t you considering Kollel?!?)?
Zahavasdad
What a great story. Where did you read that?
Didn’t you write in another thread that you’re thinking of going back to kollel? I’m confused…….. How can you then have a husband?
I think what scares me is that so many innocents on high levels are being taken from us. Where does that leave us with z’chuyos?
It’s very scary and we need merit for protection. All the more reason for each of us to work on ourselves more and try to unite together.
I think the downfall of the economy (worldwide) and the recent amount of losses of rabbanim points to something. We don’t know what, and that’s scary. Now is a time when we need a lot of emunah.
I can’t answer your question, but are you doing this to escape making a decision about careers (as you listed in your thread “loooooser”), or because you genuinely want to learn? I would consult with a rav if it’s the right thing to do if you’re using it as an escape.
I was going to say the same thing. TO me, the way Leiby Kletsky’s father coped with the tragedy. That is a true hero. In our day and age to see a human being with clearly, so much love for his children, still keep his emunah and bitachon, still stay within the fold when tragedy unfolds, that is a real hero.
It’s called French onion soup.
That, and croutons, are added. It’s delicious.
kol hakavod that you posted this. May you have continued nachas always.
It’s really hard to answer someone when you don’t know who you’re talking to. I’m not talking about knowing the person “personally”, identity and all. I’m talking about knowing that there’s an authentic person out there asking a genuine question for themselves. I don’t know if you asked this wholeheartedly for yourself. If you did, I apologize for doubting you. However, from the confusion of who wrote this thread, it would seem that others have had a hard time identifying the real writer too.
A silly thread discussing jokes or word games…. no one cares if you carry the kidding around further.
Threads with a more serious tone, where those who are answering are taking the time to think about their responses and answering with a full heart offering “their” truth deserves the same “truth” in kind.
If your questions and needs are authentic, then I’m happy I wrote. If it was just a philosophical discussion, then please, include that in your posts in the future. My kids would’ve loved my attention and I took time away from them to answer you.
I think the buzz sells them. I’ve also seen them in boro park, although I can’t remember where (houseware store).
IS this a joke??
WHo wrote this thread, I scream or peerimsameach?
If it’s a joke, it’s ugly and wasting people’s time.
genevas zman. Not a joke.
Why do you think you’re a nerd on the surface? Has someone told you that?
If you figured it out (either by observing the dress of others compared to yours or their speech, etc) then you’re not as much of a nerd as you think. Nerdiness, in my opinion, is by definition, someone who doesn’t fit in. If you can see where you don’t, then you are more socially aware than you think.
How are you different? It sounds like you do not embrace this “differentness”. How would you want to be more similar to others? Dressing similarly is as easy as shopping in trendy stores where you think the salespeople are “with it” and asking them to help you put outfits together. There are plenty of places that do this. If you need suggestions, just ask. I actually once approached another parent in one of my kids classes and told her I loved the way she dresses. I asked her if she could help me choose better clothing. She was SOOOOO complimented and happy to help. I wasn’t even friends with her. She was just a nice person. Socially, verbally, you might need more guidance. Carrying on conversations can be hard when you don’t know how to do it. It also takes sensitivity to those around you and the ability to read body language to tell you who’s open to talking, how long to talk, what subjects interest people. This is something you would be best off learning in a social skills group. I highly recommend it.
You wrote that no one ever gave you a chance in life. What chance was that that you would like to have had? Part of feeling good about yourself is also having goals and working towards them. You wrote that you haven’t made a decision what career you want. It can be hard to think of choices when you don’t feel good about yourself. it sounds like you might be waiting for a break; friendship, career inspiration, family support….
I think you need to take the bull by the horns and decide that feeling sorry for yourself (however justified you may be to feel this way) will not make you feel better tomorrow. It’s up to you to begin. Choose something small. Decide that you want to change your life. Don’t sit home if you’re lonely. The healthiest people I know acknowledge that they need help and have seen therapists. Find support groups. There are a lot of lonely people in this world. You just have to find one of them and be there for them. You’re not alone in feeling lousy about yourself. You need to choose how you want to handle it.
We develop our sense of self esteem when we are very young. It can be hard to repair this when you’re told that feeling good about yourself depends on “certain things” (careers, looks, money, marriage, etc). But, here’s the moment of truth. What do YOU want to be valued for?? Who do you want to be, and what are you doing to work towards that (that does not depend on other people)?
It sounds like you might be too depressed to think straight and that you might need help. Call the Tikvah clinic (ohel). They see people on a sliding scale fee, so if you have almost no income, they’ll adjust the fee accordingly. You have to love yourself enough to want to help yourself and take the first step. When you’re feeling better, you’ll be able to plan better for yourself.
I saw this happen at a wedding. My own. My husband’s friends wrote a silly rhyme about us to entertain the guests. In the middle they began ridiculing the extent of the efforts I went to to make the simcha nice. I felt ashamed. They never knew. My husband laughed. He thought it was funny. Humor gone too far.
One of my rabbeim used to put his head in his hands while teaching us, and say “nochomel”. I, knowing almost no Yiddish, thought for the longest time he was saying “nebach”. I thought he thought we were abysmal students.
I want to explain one thing. I don’t think my husband is a “cheuvanist” overall. I think he has some cheuvanistc VIEWS. He can be sweet and helpful at times. He doesn’t look at a garbage bag and say “NIMBY(not in my back yard, meaning, not my job). What irks me is when I feel he should take care of his “stuff” and he just drops the topic. Maybe it’s really about opening the lines of communication. Being able to talk so we can really hear each other and not just have our own agendas and ideas of how things should go. If you could hear that silent voice of your wife’s talking, what would it say? I think if I really tuned in to my husbands true neshoma, his hopes, wishes, dreams and fears, it would say “I’m having a hard time making Parnassa and I feel really guilty about it (and lousy about myself). Deep down I wish I could be every thing you’d want, but it’s not working. Could you work? And then if he could hear me, he’d hear how lousy I feel about myself that I want to do more, but that I’m scared. There’s so much that’s happening underneath the surface. We can be married to each other, and so far apart emotionally. And the longer it takes to talk the more scared and untrusting we become. We need to hear our spouses wishes, hopes, dreams and fears and not be afraid to listen. After we do that, we need them to hear ours (and be shown that talking about it is safe and we won’t be criticized). This whole business is so scary, but it’s too big a deal to let it go easily. If there’s even a teeny bit of kindness and hope that she can hear you, and you her, then I’d say, fight for it.
So many of your issues have familiar undertones in my marriage also.
Based on the story that you told of the picking the kids up, etc, my guess is that she has no idea of the impact of her behavior on you (even if you told her). Sounds like she’s turning a blind eye, not because she’s bad or doesn’t have feelings for you, but perhaps because she’s more aware of her own needs.
The part of your picking up your child from the play date can be as simple as her not being sure she’d get back in time. This might irk you that she did arrive on time in the end, but it seems more responsible to me that she expressed concern in advance about the possibility and made alternate arrangements. I’d sit down with her and clarify that your working from home has to be on condition that it’s without distractions, except in an emergency (and elaborate what that means: she’s at the doctor, kid’s school calls and says kid’s vomiting(c’v), come get your kid). You’re IT. Kid’s at a play date and she’s delayed, call the other mom to say she’ll be a bit late. You need to establish criteria for interruptions, boundaries. Without discussing them, you are expecting her to use her best judgement (oy). I get your feeling resentful about her not putting in her full effort (household work etc). My husband has VERY old fashioned cheuvanistic views about housework. He comes home and literally DUMPS his stuff (clothing/head to toe, papers/mail) everywhere. Combining his stuff and the messes my kids make and I feel like I’m working backwards with clean-up. He’s got the right to say ” you’re home more, I need you to do more, but there are things I think he should be responsible for. Hanging his suits is one of them. Worse yet, when he complains to me about the condition of the home (I can clean and he says nothing or I clean and my kids undo my efforts with their messes and then that’s all I hear about. It would help to hear what I do right, when I do it, for him to clarify what I’m ok doing (straightening, laundry, dishes, etc) and what I don’t want to do (hang his suits). You guys sound very resentful of each other, but I don’t think that has to spell the end. I think you need to find a way to talk to each other more. Maybe you want to try “I’m going to listen to you all day” day. Give her one day to tell you what she wants and give it to her. Then it’s your turn. You’ll each see what the other wants without each focusing on your own needs.
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See “college=OTD
Although I really understand the objection to college, I’m really concerned about stating categorically that it’s wrong to go. Many yeshiva men are supported by wives who are professional therapists (OT’s, PT’s, speech, etc) who went to college to earn their degrees. Rabbi Twerski is a famous psychiatrist and frum. His, and the knowledge that other frum therapists, allow them to treat frum people in a way that shows an understanding of particular issues that frum people face. Frum pharmacists can carry a wide range of medicines and vitamins that are strictly kosher. I can understand objections to exposing oneself to apikorsus, but I don’t think one has to in college. As far as the “environment” goes, there are programs that are all frum and separated. I think boys should learn full time (no distractions) for a year or two, then couple daytime learning with evening college. They stay in the s’viva, and can work towards an income. Those who want to stay in learning, or want to go into chinuch or rabbanus can do that. Parnasah is biyedei shamayim, but there’s also hishtadlus.
Twisted
I think I need that place in Arizona where they”lock” you away from “real” food. Restarting a healthy food plan is sooooooooooo challenging!
I can’t speak for other people, but after I lost my sibling at a very young age, I began to imagine how I would feel, c”v to lose others. I literally thought myself to tears on many occasions. I think it comes from fear and trying to deal with the trauma (and maybe preparing ourselves for future loss). My thoughts usually arose at very quiet times, when I had moments to reflect in solitude on my loss and grief, such as late at night. It did lessen and pass with time, although I think the trauma of an early loss remains with me forever. I wouldn’t be too concerned if it happens occasionally and if you can control those thoughts. Only if you feel the thoughts are intrusive and you can’t choose to stop them, you might want to seek a grief counselor or a support group.
If, when it was good, it WAS good, than it might be worth salvaging. Circumstances can change how we behave and make us feel like it will never be good again. Here’s a hard question: are you seeing CHARACTER flaws in her or a response to stress on both of your parts that has the potential to be worked on?
My husband has this phrase “too bad, so sad”. To me it means don’t expect change. You’ve painted a picture of your wife as someone who will play the victim and who will focus on her needs. You did not describe her as a mean malicious person. To me, if a spouse is a mean person who acts cruelly and puts you down, contemplating moving on would be more obvious.
It sounds like you’d like your wife to be less picky with assignments and accept more, but more than that, to bare with you while you work on getting your business off the ground. I married a businessman. I can tell you, what helps is to discuss a time limit, by which time, if it doesn’t show signs of success, you fold and move on. I lived my whole life with businessmen and I can tell you it can be a hard life financially. One week money, the next not. Borrowing…the wife working, working….
I was a latchkey kid. My mother never knew I was skipping first period in high school because I couldn’t get there on time at 13. I was a GOOD girl, just irresponsible. I needed involved parents. Mine were too exhausted to be there for me. What you’re doing is l’maan the family, but it can turn into a selfish persuit if it goes on and on. Set your own time limit. Share that with her. You might find this relieves some of the pressure. Ask her, openly, without judgement, what kind of lifestyle she dreams about (working part time, being home,etc). Try to find a way to work together towards a common goal. It doesn’t sound like she’s on track with you about your business. Was she supportive at all or did the opposition come when the finances shrunk?
A home is only a home if kids see a family. It still sounds like you can work on this and make it so, with the right help. Stay strong. Keep asking. We’ll try to keep on helping.
I love this thread. I need this so much also. I agree with Aries. Don’t weigh yourself too often (once a week on average is enough to see a trend). Weight can change drastically with eating a salty meal (water weight). Judge your success on following a plan (and clothing fit) not numbers.
I did weight watchers last year and lost about 50 pounds. You can sign up and do it online or go to a group meeting. You meet people of all sizes who are struggling with their weight and they celebrate your successes. They give good tips ideas for meals (oatmeal pancakes: my kids love them!). You might need to do a bit of research about recommended food choices (total carbs, fruits etc) as a diabetic.
A food log is really helpful, but beyond that I’d recommend pre-planning meals. Thinking when you’re starved is tough. Think of your favorite meals, then pre-plan quantity you can have to help you lose weight. Just the weight loss alone can probably help to bring down those numbers.
Are you open to hiring a trainer? Many go to people’s homes and it’s a set appointment where they help you get in shape.
I totally disagree with the advice that if money is tough to try to work it out because divorce makes it tougher.
We stay together because we want/choose to, not because we can’t afford not to.
Fights have two aspects to them: the disagreement itself and how we talk about them.
It sounds like you’re having communication issues, not lifestyle disagreements.
I wouldn’t give up on therapy. If you can’t afford private, why not go to a place with a sliding scale fee? They charge by income.
I noticed a while back that it seemed like there were a lot of petirahs, H’Y.
What scares me is that a lot of them seem to be people on very high/innocent levels, rabbanim, children, l’a.
I think the suggestions that we improve our ways, daven more, be more medakdek bemitzvos might be too general. When the klall seemed to have been in danger in the past, bnei yisrael were directed to do specific things, fast/daven, etc. I think we need more specific direction to unite us and make it a must rather than a good thing to do.
It is very frightening.
I usually have a rule no opening packages until they are paid for. Sometimes, though, my kids get so famished or thirsty that they cry and so, I too, will open a package and pay when I’m done shopping. When the lines in a supermarket are VERY long, I can’t see waiting for 15 minutes to pay for a drink and then return to shop!
I hear your question, though. Well asked.