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avhaben, there’s a difference between being at fault for the divorce, or being at fault for initiating a divorce for the wrong reasons.
I agree that there are women who give up too quickly, but there are more cases of abusive husbands than of impatient wives.
Ask your Dayanim if they would take a divorced guy for their daughter or their sister???
Health, why do you need examples of mental abuse? Are you quizzing me or do you want to deny the existence of mental abuse?
I recommend the book “The Shame Borne in Silence – Spouse Abuse in The Jewish Community” by Rabbi Dr Abraham Twerski
Twerski discusses both physical and emotional (=mental) abuse.
{Borne is the past participle of the verb to bear. The illiterates think the title refers to shame born in silence}
Health, I shall define the shidduch crisis for you. There’s an abundance of single girls and a shortage of single males. A man who is half-way decent has choice galore. If a man isn’t married, it’s not because the women are too picky, it’s because the man is bad news. A man who calls his ex-wife’s friends “Reshayim” shouldn’t wonder why he’s not remarried.
Most divorces are initiated by women, as a result of abusive husbands. Abuse can be physical or/and mental.
Rabanim who deal in gittin say “beware of a divorced guy”.
Hilchot Issurei Biyah
“shelo yiso zoken yalda shedovor zeh gorem l’znus”
an old man shall not marry a young woman as this will lead to adultery
Yevamot 101b
“k’lech etsel shekmosech ve’al tachnis ketata letoch beisech”
a man shall marry a woman of his age and not bring strife into his home
Health,
If you talk to me as if I were a pre-schooler (I’ve made myself crystal clear) I respond to you like a pre-schooler (unlady-like).
Shulchan Aruch, Even HaEzer 1:13:
“lo teshev isho belo ish shelo techoshed”
a woman should not remain without a husband because of suspicion
Hilchot Issurei Biyah 21:26
“reshus le’isho shelo tinoseh le’olam”
a woman has permission not to ever marry
Reb Akiva Eiger
In a place where there’s no suspicion, a woman has no obligation to marry
Patri, does anyone say that an old man shouldn’t satisfy his needs? The question is, with whom should he do so, with someone close to his age, or with someone 20 or 30 or 40 years younger than himself?
Yes Health, you’ve made yourself perfectly clear, but I still don’t agree with you. Will you spank me now?
You say that women have a chiyuv to marry, can you cite the source? I know that women are ADVISED to marry, not mechuyavot.
My rabbi has better things to do than to satisfy my curiosity. However, you can look up the answer in the Shulchan Aruch, and report back to us (if you wish).
Health, Women are remaining spinsters, because men always want young women. They want it when they’re 20, and they still want it when they’re 60. You will argue that an old man seeks a young woman for procreation, that’s a good cover-up for their real intent. An old man has no patience for children, an old man wants a young woman to satisfy his physical urges (no’ef).
Health, I don’t need to read all the posts to know that a woman has no chiyuv to marry.
Do you tell people to ask their rabbi when you have no answer? You can say you don’t know the answer.
Patri, why is the definition of an old man irrelevant? If the Torah makes a distinction between young man and old man, there must be a criteria defining old man. I would like to know what it is.
I don’t know if it’s a mitsva for a girl to marry, I think she’s advised to marry. In any event she has no chiyuv, so Health’s statement saying otherwise is incorrect.
Health,
You have brought the definition of young girl (under 12), but you haven’t defined ‘old man’.
You say that a girl over the age of 12 has a chiyuv to get married. I know that a woman doesn’t have at all a chyiuv to marry, the mitsva of pru u’rvu is on the man.
cheftze, I’m not the one defining, the Gemara makes the distinction between young and old. If you’re male, you can look it up. As a woman, I don’t learn Gemara.
I read all the comments, and I don’t think anyone mentioned that the Gemara says that an old man seeking to marry a young woman, is called a “no’ef” (lecher). I don’t have the source.
nfgo3, I understand haifagirl perfectly, I’m sure she wants much more than a boy with good grammar, but it’s a starting point. Educated people usually have a good command of their native language. A person who doesn’t spell correctly reflects poor intelligence.
If I were you, I would take haifagirl’s offer very seriously.
How do you translate “EIN HOCHI NAMI”?
Gezera Shava:
-a decree of equivalence
-verbal analogy
-analogy by common term
There’s a famous letter from the Steipler who came out very strongly against these “hanhagos”.
Some jeans are tight fitted, with holes in the knees, is this kovod haTorah?
I wish you would all be as proud of your Jewishness as you are of your Britishness.
Ato Bechartonu Mikol Ho’amim….Veromamtonu Mikol Haleshonos….Ashreinu Ma Tov Chelkeinu….
Feif Un, are you advocating mixed seating at weddings?
Going to the bungalow colony for THREE months every year. Women sit at the pool with their kids for THREE CONSECUTIVE MONTHS, if that’s not a meshugas, what is??
I know of a family, where a 30year old father of seven children was very sick. His 50year old father said he wants to give 20 years of his life (assuming a life is 70 years) to his son. A week later, the father was niftar, and the son lived for another 20 years.
There are no Jewish hotels, but some hotels serve kosher breakfast.
You can rent a duplex apartment with kosher kitchen, up to 15 beds, call 323-2184283
Other apartments are 323-2897920 or 323-2306274
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: ‘Free to good home. You want it, you take it.’
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $50.’
The next day someone stole it!
I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. ‘Now,’ she asked me, ‘Has your plane arrived yet?’
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where a CONGRESSMAN happened to appear. The CONGRESSMAN took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
‘Would you mind telling me, Doctor,’ He asked, ‘how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?’
‘Nothing is easier,’ he replied. ‘You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..’
‘What sort of question?’ asked the CONGRESSMAN.
Well, you might ask, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?”
The CONGRESSMAN thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, ‘You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.’
zahavasdad,
I never heard of people “hating” Yiddish, most people love it.
The Chassidishe Gatesheader writes:
I do get a bit annoyed at “American Yiddish” which is totally strange, such as the above “farshteist” – it’s “farshteit”, without the last s (original German: “versteht” – the only difference is instead of “versteht” which is pronounced, for Americans, as “vershtate”, we pronounce it as “vershteit”).
In German we ask “verstehst du?”, so the Yiddish version “farshteist?” (with s) is not strange at all.
(My mother tongue is Yiddish, and I’m fluent in German too)
aries2756
Smartness runs in my family.
There is a huge difference between forgiving and forgetting. It is easier to forgive than forget, but it is almost impossible to forget if you don’t forgive. In addition just because one forgives someone that does NOT necessarily mean that you pick up the relationship where you left off.
Why is it important to forgive? Not forgiving keeps us chained to that person forever. It takes a lot of energy to hold that grudge and be angry at someone. Choosing never to forgive someone means that you are forcing yourself to remember that person and choosing to be angry at them consistently reminding yourself of what that person did to you. “I will never forgive “x” for ……. and so on. This is a daily process almost from waking to going to sleep. Every morning you wake up and remind yourself how angry you are at so and so because of what they did, and if someone so much as mentions that person’s name or you see someone who lives on their block, or goes to the same school, or reminds you of them in some way, shape, or form, you will remind yourself again of why you will never forgive them for…….. On the other hand, that person probably doesn’t care, doesn’t remember, or doesn’t even know that you are angry. One of the three, and does not expend any energy in this disagreement at all. While you are busy thinking about them every day, they don’t give you a second thought while they go about their business. Which in turn makes you even more upset.
So look at both sides of the coin here. By not forgiving the “victim” relives the pain over and over and over again, while the “initiator” is not affected by the entire controversy at all and does not suffer one iota from the entire incident. Who is worse off and who is better off? What happens through the process of forgiving?
When a person chooses to forgive whether they tell the other party that they are forgiven or not, what happens is they free themselves from that prison of pain. They no longer HAVE to remember the hurt and the injustice done to them. They can now choose to put that person out of their hearts and out of their minds. That person is no longer important to them and is no longer a player in their world. This in turn allows them to heal and gives them an opportunity to forget the entire affair. It is impossible to forget the incident as long as you are still angry and choose to not to forgive. No matter how much a person claims that the initiator is not important to them, subconsciously they are because they are the key player in pain process.
I hope this was helpful in some way, and that you will be able to logically “choose” to forgive even though you can’t emotionally choose to forgive. Forgiveness is a choice. “I choose to forgive you, him, her because it just takes too much energy to be angry at you….I can’t control other people, only myself and I can’t change other people only myself therefor I can’t control what you do or did. I don’t have to like you or be your friend but I can choose to like myself enough to NOT relive the pain of the incident over and over again. I therefore forgive your lack of common sense, your streak of meanness, your need to speak loshon horah (or whatever else it was) because you are in control of your own poor choices and there is nothing I can do about it other than learn never to make those same bad choices in my own life”.
AYC, you have been the victim of terrible injustice, and we all feel for you. However, I noticed that you posted many links to threads that prove the injustice, but you did not mention the apology thread:
http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/od-ayc-chai
The mods apologised to you publicly, it deserves to be mentioned.
I understand that you’re not ready to forgive yet, but ultimately forgiveness is the best healer. Don’t do it for *them*, do it for yourself.
Take your time, and when you’re ready, the whole coffee room will receive you with open arms.
Aspartame found in diet sodas is highly acidic.
To combat heartburn try a cup of tea with UME (extract from the Japanese plum UMEBOSHI), it’s a sour/salty paste.
This thread is meant to discuss Kissing a Tzaddik’s Hand, meanwhile you’re discussing lost sheeps in wolf’s clothes, and Christian confession rituals LOL.
Novominsker Rebbe – Rabbi Yaakov Perlow
The Boyaner Rebbe wasn’t mentioned yet, he’s marrying off his daughter on Feb 14 (Valentine’s day).
Didn’t see Kretchnif and Machnovka on the list.
Rabbi Yitzchak Dovid Grossman of Migdal Ha’Emek, his Ahavas Yisrael is phenomenal.
Before WW2, the concept of Kollel didn’t exist. Men worked for a living and put bread on the table (as per signed contract called KESUBA!). With the establishment of the Medina (shall I rinse my mouth?), Kollel became the way out of the army for religious boys/men. It started as a “bedi’eved”, and ultimately Kollel life became a “lechatchila”.
Yeshivos and seminaries brainwashed their youth that “staying in learning” is the ultimate sacrifice for Torah. At whose expense? Boys were instructed to look for rich fathers in law. Women were instructed to take upon themselves the yoke of parnassa.
The results speak for themselves:
-Fathers are collapsing and dying of heart attacks from the financial strain of supporting Kollel children.
-Women have become martyrs working like horses at full-time jobs, raising kids and running homes.
-Bnei Brak has the highest percentage of children living below the poverty line.
-The Kollelniks are frustrated and unfulfilled for having been robbed of their role as provider of the family. Consequently their Torah learning is not so serious (to put it mildly).
It’s a failed system, and people are waking up to its realities.
aries, you are a great psychologist, and a great writer. The Yeshiva World owners ought to feel very privileged for having such a valuable contributor.
If they want to hold onto you (and other serious posters), the mods had better adhere to stricter screening.
It means that a man needs to be mefarnes his wife (as per the ketuva). At the same time he needs to be kovea itim laTorah.
It certainly doesn’t mean to put the yoke of parnassa on the wife. Unfortunately girls are brainwashed in seminaries, to become martyrs. It’s not what Hashem wants from us.
How come we have more girls than boys? Why didn’t we have this problem years ago? Are there statistics to prove that 20-30-40 years ago the birth rate for girls suddenly increased disproportionally?
The world is being populated with both genders, today as yesterday as the past five thousand years.
The numbers haven’t changed, so obviously something else must have changed. Could it be our attitude??
There’s an article in this week’s Ami Magazine about “The Last Boy in Japan”.
His transfer is being delayed as a result of bureaucratic procedures on the part of the Japanese.
Health says:
“I don’t really care whether you like my attitude or not!
Your parents Always told you speak nicely. This is Not always the case. If s/o is speaking Kneged the Torah -you can be derogatory.
Maybe you think every Jew has the right to their opinion, but this is Not the case. Judaism is Not a democracy! Your parents should have taught you more about Daaos Kozvos!”
I wish you would leave my parents out of this. Allow them “Lehenot Mizif HaSchina” in Gan Eden. Our parents did the best they could, I don’t blame your parents for your behaviour, you have bechira (unless you’re a koton or a shoteh).
The fact that you don’t care what I (and others) think of your attitude, is part of the same arrogance you manifest in your debates. Divrei Chachamim Benachat Nishmaim, you can defend De’os Kozvos (bogus teachings) without attacking/name-calling people.
If you don’t change your attitude Mr Health (is it Dr? Prof? Rabbi?), you will alienate your family and friends, and you will be a very lonely person. If you want to endear yourself to others, treat people with respect (as per Torah instructions).
Don’t ignore our mussar, heed our advice, I do care.
There hasn’t been any updates lately.
I haven’t seen your screen name before. Are you saying you’re not proud to be Belgian? (Belge is a French word). Why do you choose to present yourself in a negative way? You could have said instead: “proud to be Jewish”.
snjn you’re raising valid points. Do you know who is to blame for the arrogance of these boys? MOTHERS. Shadchanim can tell you stories about MOTHERS of boys.
Shadchan: I found a size 2 girl for your son
Mother: I heard this girl was a little rondelette (plumpish) as a child, how do I know she won’t become a size 4 after giving birth?
In addition to skinny and beautiful, the mother requires the girl to have been Valedictorian, have gone to BJJ (ivy league seminary) be multi-talented, organize choirs/dances, and the list goes on and on.
The irony is that when it comes to their daughters, these same mothers are appalled at the boys’ expectations!
Mothers must stop feeding their son’s egos with the wrong values. Boys are raised to believe “Es kimt mich – I deserve”. So first these boys create a shidduch crisis with lots of single girls, and then they create a new crisis with lots of divorcees because these pompous guys make lousy husbands!
End result:
Thousands and thousands of unmarried Jewish females.
Health, I don’t attack anyone, I defend the attacked. I did not take any sides in the discussion, I was addressing your attitude (name-calling) towards people who differ with you in opinion.
On the thread “Why are people still smoking?” I found the following:
Health says:
When someone here decides to give me a check or cash. I have no professional responsibilty to anyone here. I’m free here to state my own opinions, whether others agree with me or not!
Squeak responds:
You certainly are free to opine and disagree with others, I was referring to how you choose to do so. The trick that you learned as a med prof. is just as appropriate in a non-professional setting. Treating people respectfully shouldn’t depend on being paid to do so.
In Chassidic circles there’s no shidduch crisis, boys are married off at age 18/19, they don’t go on prolonged dates, they trust their parents, and the system works.
Health, I am neither a guy, nor a Tzioni, and I’m not being fooled by anyone. My parents of blessed memory, raised me with Jewish values. There is no financial exchange between me and the Israeli gov.
You sound like an intelligent person, and you have the gift of the written word. However, belittling people comes from ga’avah, which reflects insecurity. You don’t need to resort to name calling for conveying your message.
As someone else pointed out, you are relentlessly taking more than one person to task over and over again.
Listen to our message, treat people with respect, it will improve all your relationships.
Health, kol haposel bemumo posel, Mr ManipulatOr!
I thought the mods don’t allow outside links, but then again popa is no outsider.