moderation

WellInformed and others:

I rarely post on these discussion boards; nevertheless, I have a strong issue with several of the similar statements at hand. These statements contribute to ruining our society.

THERE IS NO RIGHT AMOUNT OF DATES!!!

Somebody in Lakewood may just need 20 dates to make a correct decision; I know people who have dated for multiple years and are happily married; others who have dated 3 times and have great marriages. and of course, everything in between 2 weeks, 3 months, 6 months etc.

People need to feel as comfortable as possible. By creating a “maximum X amount of dates” mentality we are creating unnecessary pressure for engagement – often leading to ill-advised decisions which may lead to broken engagements/divorces.

This is a horrible, horrible thing. It is a life long decision. More than 14/15 dates is perfectly reasonable- one is choosing a life partner. Yes, they very may well be able to figure things out and have it “click’ right away.

On the other hand, most people all have their own individual issues and handicaps (health, financial, family-related, emotional etc.) Nobody is the “perfect” situation – people need to give serious thought and have sufficient experience accepting the person for who they are.

There are so many stories of people who trick their spouse over the course of the “maximum 3-4 dates” – they pretend to be more shtark; play down major family conflicts; pretend to be a good listener/dresser/davener etc. etc. etc. If one dates over more time, they get a better picture of the true emes. While for some this may be unnecessary, it may be very necessary for others. I dated a girl for close to six months before ending a relationship – the last 3 months were spent trying to work out ONE specific issue which ultimately could not be resolved.

Keep in mind, wouldn’t one rather date an extra ten dates and be more confident in their perspective of the other person and who they really are. It’s a lifelong decision. I believe it is this simple:

Best case scenario: An extra month or two dating, and have significant more insight and understanding of the other person – this will either give you significantly more confidence entering marriage or help avoid unwanted, life-altering decisions down the road.

Worst Case Scenario: Okay, so you spent a few extra nights at lobbies, restaurants, coffee shops etc. BIG DEAL!!!! Work on enjoying it; it can be fun. And if it doesn’t work out, hopefully youll learn more about yourself.

The Risk-Reward analysis is a no-brainer: so much to gain and so little to lose by just taking an extra month or two (or three) to really learn more about your potential LIFE LONG partner.