midwest-yidd

My first-ever Coffeehouse posting — here goes… I’ve enjoyed reading all the messages on this “thread”, and respectfully add the following thought.

I agree that, regardless of gender, middos should be near (if not AT) the top of your list. Unfortunately, it’s difficult to determine whether someone’s a ba’al/ba’alas middos after one or two dates. Nowadays, in the “shidduch system”, decisions are expected to be made very quickly. As a result, a guy & girl often can’t spend enough time together to seriously evaluate the things that matter. Between the constant forced separation of genders, and the mindset — which many people have — that “if in doubt, don’t go out again”, Frum realationships are often rushed.

When happens when things get rushed? Shallow factors — which CAN be perceived quickly — take control. How tall is she? What’s his salary? Does he wear white or colored shirts? Does her mom stack Shabbos plates at the table or in the kitchen?

The Frum dating system is INFINITELY better then the secular one, in which I grew up. But it’s not perfect. And this is one area in which it can, and should, improve! Please, slow things down. Let a guy & girl get to know each other — without the shadchan asking “Nu?”, after a couple of dates… If you’re dating, take time to get to know the person. He/she may not “sweep you off your feet” after several hours but, as a connection builds thru intellectual & spiritual compatibility, they may seem more attractive to you!

Once the dating process slows down a bit, important things — like middos — will matter more!