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Perhaps the person was part of the grammar police and was simply berating you for saying “good” instead of “well”.
adorable, about the pretending to be happy thing, are you sure about that? It hasn’t really worked for me.
Peerim, yes, I happen to know a lot about cars. I would love to have a thread discussing performance parts, engines, tuning kits, and the like, but I can’t see too many people on here taking part in it..
All right, time to continue my car decorating list: Recaro seats, roll cage, exterior air intakes, carbon ceramic brakes, chrome performance header, nitrous carburetor, smoked lights, paddle shifters, HUD, and…a V12 CLK GTR AMG engine.
windycityboy, it’s called a “Lexus”.
I’m waiting for the right car to decorate. My idea of decorating it would be: supercharging the engine, custom exhaust, black chrome alloys, carbon fiber hood, carbon fiber spoiler, suicide doors. I’ll stop there for now.
check out the Dell outlet.
observanteen, I also have plenty of things going on besides having divorced parents. Actually, that’s one of the least of my “problems”. I just think that ultimately, a good family makes no difference. But a spouse with a wonderful personality and great character traits make all the difference in the world. But yes, it may be better for someone like her, or me, to marry someone with similar difficulties simply because they can relate better. People might think that’s considered “second rate”, but actually, for them, it’s first rate. If the person I marry cannot relate to what I went through because she comes from a perfect family, that, to me, is second rate. So when you daven for her (and it’s really sweet of you that you do), concentrate mostly that her partner should be great for her, without focusing on the family as much.
bpt, it makes me sick as well. I cannot stand the idea of a guy choosing from a list.
adorable, It’s nice that you feel that way. I used to be like that, but now, I actually WANT a girl in my life that I must care for and be responsible for. My current “lack of pressure and things tying me down” isn’t making me happy. I feel that my “best years” as a single (and I use the term ‘best’ very loosely) are over, and I want to have my future best years with someone. And I’m also not that old or in shidduchim for so long. But that’s just me. It’s great that you don’t feel pressure.
Observanteen, first of all, mazal tov. Now, it’s understandable why she is taking it very hard, and it is important to be sensitive to her feelings and not say things about your future plans if they may make her sad or jealous.
I’m actually concerned that you think she’ll have to settle for a “second-rate shidduch”. Perhaps I’m biased, coming from a similar situation to your friend, but I think a lot of people who are nice and normal, yet come from families with problems, are actually more first-rate than “regular” people. We have to work extra hard to stay positive, be outgoing, and happy. And if your friend is all of those things, she should have no problem getting the perfect partner. I used to think I would have to “settle for a second rate” girl, but I don’t think that anymore. It’s just a shame that so many people do think that.
I wish you and your future husband much happiness together.
“We had a man in seminary explain to us what was so bad about being untznius. (He didnt say anything inappropriate for single girls to hear) It scared a lot of girls who honestly did not know what they were doing wrong because it was never explained correctly in high school.”
I’m sorry, but I think that is the wrong approach in giving over the values, guidelines and essence of tznius. I actually think the best approach is when it does NOT come from Rabbis, or schools, or the CR…But rather, from the home. The parents themselves should live a life with tznius, and that should make a positive impression on their children.
I absolutely agree with Wolf. Most kids who play basketball at camps and yeshivos don’t do it to “be like Mike” or go to the NBA. They do it because it’s a fun activity to do with friends. It’s a healthy outlet. It’s so much better than a lot of other things a kid might do on his/her free time. So, I don’t view it as a problem. In fact, I view it as a blessing. I thank G-d that kids find fun in playing sports.
About hoods, I don’t see why it should be considered a problem, but if a school has that rule, fine.
haifagirl, thank you for telling that over. It helps me, knowing that there are people who would consider a person in that kind of situation.
Thank you, borte. I appreciate you understanding my situation. I actually have read that book as well. And your previous post was very inspiring. May you find your match soon.
s2021, You’re right. I shouldn’t have said “no one”. Thank you for telling your personal story.
I also quickly want to say to cherry that I forgive you. You were not aware of my situation when you posted before, and therefore you didn’t know what I was really going through.
mytake, that is a beautiful poem.
I would like to thank cherry for all of your posts, because I now feel the need to relate what I’m going through. First of all, though, I’m not an “older” single. And the truth is, most of the difficulties I go through are things I have been going through most of my life, and have only a small connection to the fact that I’m single. I don’t think I should go into specifics, as some people here might be too horrified to know all the facts, but I’ll say this: I have extremely severe family problems, mostly due to one of my parents. I have had almost no support at all from my community. They all don’t want to get involved in my family’s situation. I have no Shul. I get no support from my neighbors. We have very little money. Let’s just say that NO ONE in their right mind would want to marry into my family. The only thing I have going for myself is: myself. I know this. And therefore, I make sure to have a wonderful personality, be responsible, giving, caring, sensitive, and try to stay positive. I know that these character traits are the only thing I have going for me in a prospective match. I have nothing else.
I have tried to come up with theories why I have to be in the situation I’m in. and the one I’m sticking with now, though it may sound arrogant, is this: I know I have the best personality and character traits possible. Therefore, if G-d had given me a proper family, or money, or supportive friends and neighbors, it almost wouldn’t be fair. I would have too much good. So G-d had to level it out. I don’t know if this is the right way to look at it, but it works for me right now. I hope this helped for any other single going through something similar. I encourage others to take part in this discussion, and I would appreciate support from anyone here.
This thread started out by being a positive, helpful thread for singles. Please, let’s return it to that state.
Quote from a previous post: “The point is that a male who has not married is not a completed person; not in learning, not in his avodah and not in his sensitivity to the suffering of others. And there is a selfishness and a “me” orientation with single males.
So no one is doing singles a favor by providing them additional comfort zones, such as: their own minyanim in shuls, special discounts in shul dues, their own thread in the CR, etc. They need to feel that their behavior is not ok and they will only find acceptance when they marry and become mainstreamed into the general frum population.”
What a string of terrible things to say. You don’t know me. You don’t know what my life is like. You don’t know the neglect, lack of attention, and hardships I face constantly. And please know that, even with all that I go through, I am an extremely outgoing, caring, perceptive, and sensitive person. I DREAM of having the opportunity to care for and give to my partner in life. You cannot make assumptions about how much sensitivity a single male has for other people.
You talk about us having our own minyans in shul…I DREAM of just being accepted into the regular minyan in shul as a valued member. I don’t even have that.
And, worst of all, saying that we will “only find acceptance” when we marry and become part of the “general frum population” will only make me want to have less and less of a connection with the general frum population.
Please re-think what you said.
I honestly thought Popa was joking around about this. But once we’re on the subject, I usually say “Hi, how are you?” to the employee behind the counter before he/she says it to me. It usually makes them smile.
Popa, your’e funny.
I am not so great at writing poems, especially not at Happy’s level…but, I play the guitar and keyboard, and I have composed a few original compositions (with no lyrics) that convey my feelings and emotions. Too bad I can’t give that over on a web forum. I would love to, somehow.
yy, No one should look down on anyone for any reason. If you feel uncomfortable or looked down on by your current crowd, you are obviously not in the right crowd. Find people with similar goals and ideals to discuss things with. Perhaps you are finding it hard to find the type of boy you want because you are being tied down to a specific group that doesn’t agree with your ideals.
Good luck on finding your partner.
Happy, that is a beautiful poem. Good luck to you as well.
Well, Mod, there is a distinction between an aveira that was done passively, without action (Missing tefilin) and actively. I wouldn’t take a poll about an actively transgressed aveira, but a passive aveira, if for some reason I was curious about, I might take a poll on.
I’m going to let other people contribute to this thread first and see where it goes. I’m not ready just yet to discuss my own issues.
Agreed, Mod. It’s more important than that. In my case, for the record, it was a special circumstance.
I love long hair. So if I say to any of you “Wow, your hair got so long,” take it as a compliment.
I don’t think G-d wants us to freak out about it. If a tzadik, or anyone else, dies, it was obviously meant to happen that way. We should learn from the experience, and look at it in a positive light. And before anyone here wants to tell me that this isn’t realistic or that I’m saying this because I don’t know what it’s like, stop. Because I do know what it’s like. And I try to look at the positive, no matter how difficult that may be.
I appreciate your sensitivity, Englishman, but my answer is still yes.
ravshalom, Thank you for clearing that up. About the “Daber- Dav-ber” thing, I know someone that does make this distinction, but I don’t think it’s considered normal.
Yes.
Blockhead, about BGDCP”T, are you sure that it is a dagesh qal? I thought it was a dagesh chazak..But either way, your’e right, there is a different pronunciation for them. Another rule, which I’m sure you know, is that all these letters, when at the beginning of a word, should be pronounced with a dagesh sound. Except when they follow a word that ends in a AHCHYR”A letter (Vowels), and is connected to that word through the cantilation. Then, it has no dagesh.
I can relate to you, adorable. I have very few people in my life that fully understand what my life is like. And I’ve always been comfortable around people a bit older than me. I would want to marry a girl at least my age, and preferably a little older.
Bpt, I don’t think you can make a general statement about what age a person should look for in a prospective spouse.
bombmaniac, Don’t feel it’s necessary to do anything through a shadchan. It’s good to have people to talk to though, as you never know where the girl you want may come from. As bpt said, networking is the key to success. You seem responsible and outgoing, so if you feel comfortable about it, why not try to find a girl yourself? Speak to people, do some searching, even online. The fact is, unfortunately, that someone from a difficult family situation may have to work harder at finding a match. I know this because I’m in the same boat. It’s a shame, because a lot of people in our situations are so nice, caring, responsible, and giving, and all other people look at is: Oooh, dead parent, divorced parents, OTD brother, sister with medical problems, no money…
RedNails, yes, it makes sense. There is such a concept. I personally don’t think I have it, but it is possible that people do. Since you asked about it, I’m assuming you or someone you know has it, or at least something like it. Is it helpful? Confusing? What are your thoughts about it?
Sounds intriguing. But what do you mean by “old soul”?
yid_pashut, I can see that you are a responsible person. Some people don’t even think about the possibility of not being able to afford being married, and they realize it when it’s too late. I was, and actually still am, in a similar situation, and the best advice I can give is think carefully before any big decision you make. Plan ahead. Realize the effects of your decisions. Make connections with as many people as you can. You never know who might be able to help you out at any given moment.
There are different ways to deal with your situation: Some people don’t get married until they are absolutely sure they can live with it financially. Others marry and then together try to find ways to be financially secure. Do what you are most comfortable with.
Sof Davar, I can relate to your prayer. It is somewhat comforting to know there are others who went through similar types of hell. But of course, every situation is different. I don’t think I should write my own prayer on this forum, because I think people would be too appalled and frightened at what I’ve gone through. But I encourage others to write their own, if they feel it fitting.
Haifagirl, I wholeheartedly agree with your statement. It’s a shame that people don’t always think about the effects of their actions, especially on such a serious level.
I think many people don’t realize how difficult life is for a child of divorced parents. Sometimes, a child of divorced parents can actually have it worse than a child with a deceased parent. This can be due to a lack of sympathy and care that a child of divorced parents so desperately needs, yet people tend to not want to get involved in such a “messy” situation. And often, the child has essentially “lost” a parent. On the other hand, sometimes a child with a deceased parent, though an extremely difficult thing to deal with, receives sympathy, care, and attention, since people, thankfully, rise to the occasion when they hear of an untimely death.
This isn’t always the case, but it happens enough for it to be said.
“Working on ones inner tznius is wonderful, but that work doesn’t exempt compliance from outer tznius at the same time. If one pushes off one for the other, they risk never getting to the latter.”
While this is true for some things, I don’t think it will work for this particular issue. I think in order for people to accept the rules and requirements of outer tznius wholeheartedly, they must realize its essence and accept it with love, not confusion or contept, and the best way to do that is by first becoming a person with inner tznius. A person that has attained true inner tznius will realize the holiness and beauty of dressing outwardly as a servant of G-d, and will do so by their own will. Not by being FORCED to.
Also, I think tackling one issue at a time is better than two at once. We don’t want anyone to just give up the whole thing. And if there should be an order, it should be inner tznius first.
Ofcourse, all I will say is I would not be comfortable living in Boro Park/ Flatbush. Therefore, I’m happy I don’t live there. I’m sorry, but I will not discuss particular reasons I wouldn’t be comfortable.