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jewish unity,
Please be aware that such discussions, while trying to be mature, can slide down a slippery slope. I think that my comment to that thread may have been more than needed.
I tried to more discrete and reiterate my ideas in better words above.
yoyo,
you know first hand the reason why it’s wrong. actually, consider yourself lucky to have stopped when you did. it could’ve gotten a lot worse.
The Yetser Hara in that matter is extremely strong. It will take you places where you should not be, make you do things that you should not do, and make you have feeling that you should not have. One small step can lead you down a slippery slope. You cannot fight it; no one can. That’s why you read about great rabbis that assiduously avoided women. With their learning and piety, they deeply understood the power of the Yetser Hara. They knew that even they might not come out unscathed. Think of a big buy fighting with a small guy. The gadol might win, but still might get bruised.
We are not such gedolim, and we may easily lose such a fight, so we must be even more diligent in our kedusha and prishut.
<joking>
Please tell them about the minhag to throw cream pies at a father’s second wedding.
</joking>
eclipse,
It’s hard for me to express my sorrow to hear of your difficult situation. But as you know already, you have many people rooting for you.
Let me preface my following remarks by saying that I don’t have much knowledge besides what I have heard in shiurim.
I want to suggest a few ways to get your daughter to connect with you. The first one, which has been mentioned above, I heard in the name of Rav Yehuda Addes. Buy the child little presents to show you care. Do so every day. Although, with a teenager, that may be just a first small step.
I think that with a teenager, who is coming into adulthood, she wants to be respected as an adult. At that rate, ask her for her opinion of things and carry out what she suggests. Set the situation so that the outcome is acceptable to you. For example, go clothes shopping with her and have her pick out something for you. Maybe pick out several garments and let her decide which one you will buy and wear.
Also, try to get interested in the things that she does, which shows interest in her- making her feel loved and respected.
From what you describe, she feels neglected and unloved, so she is looking for love in all the wrong places. She does not trust her parents, nor is she convinced that they love her.
Another thought is that you should have you older daughter try to befriend/mekarev her. She can relate better as she has been there, and your younger daughter may trust her more (or mistrust her less).
I heard a shiur recently from R’ Yaakov Yagen who has dealt with OTD kids. He said that one theme he has seen with OTD kids is that if you ask them when was the last time their father played sports with them or mother played a board game with them (or whatever recreation people do now) the OTD kid will usually say never or I can’t remember.
I know I’m kinda rambling… Hashem Yaazor … May you and your daughter sleep well tonight and every night peacefully at home.
Maybe you could just tell your mom that this guy keeps watching you and talking to you, and it makes you uncomfortable.
Don’t be so judgmental about yourself or others. You are well appreciated.
My personal minhag B”N is to avoid matsah whenever possible. I eat it when I have to. That way, I clearly show how I only eat it for a mitsvah :>
mbachur:
could be i don’t know l’halacha but the gemara says a case where a tanna ripped off a goyishe girls shirt b/c it was untznius (he thought she was jewish) (I don’t remember where the gemara is)
Berachot 20a – It was a un-tsniut hat. And yes, he had to pay a hefty fine, 400 zuz.
But the Gemara mentions that as to why the earlier generations had miracles, because they were Moser Nefesh.
PBA,
Many kids in grad school take out loans, which include tuition and living expenses.
Parents see grad school as a calculated investment because, GD willing, it is temporary and leads to a parnasa.
binahyeseira,
I think that oomis is being attacked because those who attack her lack real substance. If you can’t quote something real, then raise your voice (or indignation) so that you seem to have something real.
Calling out to a girl in public is clearly not Tsniut, as it draws attention. Same with hanging out in public. Using a first name to address a married women is a step in the direction of closeness, which should be avoided.
BUT can anyone bring a source as to why one should not call a relative at a family simcha – not a public place – by first name?
Maybe, I would ask my Rav first.
rebbi gershon said “i dont really expect that [something bad] to happen as we are not seemingly compatible,”
The Yetser Hara does not care about compatibility. You are treading on thin ice. The more you ignore the risk the more you are in danger.
Can you chew gum on a fast day?
I believe that Rav Ovadia Yosef says that one can chew UNflavored gum on a fast day. I guess flavoring is like food. In that case, it should be kosher.
I would also use “old” potato starch.
“please give me suggestions on how to ‘teach myself’ how to learn.”
- Find a rebbitzen or someone who can teach you.
- Partners in Torah
- Artscroll has a set on Rashi on Chumash, which explains Rashi’s commentary
I heard a good comeback. :
“Be careful when you ask for a Makon Kavua, especially in shul. Hashem might just give you one for good.”
I agree with oomis and cshapiro. It’s good but it may get awkward. Keep a professional relationship and a healthy distance.
This bagel conversation is just going in a circle, and starting to get fishy.
Feif Un,
I think that you should avoid that family member for Purim. That or get up and beat him senseless. He clearly has little regard for other peoples health and life, so reciprocate. Better yet, just avoid him. If he asks why, just tell him the truth of how mean and dangerous he is.
As cutiepie said above, it will take a while.
Also, as said above, you need to keep yourself busy, or should I say consumed, with something. Find a hobby, chessed project, etc that really gets you involved.
yoyo –
Your courage to the right thing really made my day !
MODS:
Can I get “Practicing priest from the East”
I’m not addicted. I can stop any time I want.
If you are hanging out and playing cards with a mixed group, expect that guys will feel able to flirt.
Your best bet is to avoid such situations (mixed crowds). Only hang out with other ladies, and make it known that’s what you want.
Yoyo,
If you are hanging out and playing cards with a mixed group, expect that guys will feel able to flirt. To put it simply, it’s a moshav letzim. Cards (or whatever game) is an excuse to get together with people. If they invited you for a game, then they are strategically hunting you; the game was an excuse to bring you in – bait.
Your best bet is to avoid such situations (mixed crowds). Only hang out with other ladies, and make it known that’s what you want. Your lady-friends should know this so that they keep guys at a distance from you. Otherwise a guy might use a lady to invite you and him to the same event (i.e. she will do his dirty work, maybe unwittingly). You will innocently think that it’s a ladies only activity, but the guy has other plans.
You need something else to occupy your mind.
Someone tried this mental exercise with me: he said, “Don’t think of a big white elephant. Don’t think of a big white elephant with floppy ears.” and repeated it several times. After a while, you will start to think of the thing you are trying not to think about. Why? Because you are concentrating about it.
The solution is to actively think about something else (or to concentrate about not thinking about something else – like white elephants 🙂
As a guy I can think of two good reasons why guys are approaching you:
1) Your attractive physically
2) Your have a friendly/non-threatening demeanor
Suggestions:
1) Try to keep your appearance simple. (As a guy I’m not so sure what this entails, but I guess you do). Don’t wear strong scents
2) Be emotionally distant to guys. Always. Do not smile at them. Do not talk that to them, if possible. Do not give eye contact, even when you have to speak to them. These are actions that ladies may do to be polite, but are misconstrued by men, who think “she likes me” or “she’s wants to flirt”.
If one really has Bitachon, then one should really have Yireh. Bitachon and Yireh are two sides of the same coin. Hashem is controlling your life in all ways, plus and minus.
What irks many is when people talk greatly about Bitachon but don’t seem to have the same Yireh. If you believe that “Hashem will provide” then you should beleive that Hashem will punish.
Ask them why them touched you or just say “get off of me”.
Grandmaster – that’s not how we operate today. Are you married? If so, does your wife need your approval when she goes out for a cup of coffee or groceries or new clothes?
guy-ocho,
The logic is that many people won’t splurge for something they want because they may feel guilty. This way the splurge is guilt-free, as she is encouraging. Anyway it’s their money, whether it’s gotten with him or without him.
How much did you use last year?
Use that as your guide. Maybe one extra box, maybe.
You can always buy during Chol Hamoed, if you see you are running short.
hey troll,
If you have not noticed, almost all the suggested gifts have been sefarim, clothes for Shabbat, things for Yom Tov, or things for mitsvot. Why do you persist in saying that the whole gift idea is counter our values?
No one is trying to buy love, nor live for the moment. Obviously, the issue is showing appreciation for the man on his birthday and wanting him to keep growing.
BTW are you jealous?
How about go out with him and get something for him together? Whatever his heart desires. Set a price limit and splurge within that price limit.
Nature is nature. By being around the other person you start to let the guard down and possibly have feelings, even if you know that it should not be.
In a past job, I was put with a team which included a lady who was absolutely Nothing to look at. After working with her for a week or two, she became normal looking to me. I occasionally remember that to remind myself of how we are so impressionable.
tbt,
Some of us find it disgusting and rude. When I want to eat, I don’t want to hear rude noises. You can’t shut your ears.
We all have our individual level of tolerance and intolerance. I have mine and you have yours.
I agree. It annoys me terribly.
I suggest pecan chocolate – chocolate chips mixed in a pecan pie. Top it off with parve ice cream or whipped cream.
How does that sound?
It should be PAYsach, because you really gotta PAY a lot for all the Pesach stuff.
:>
I heard Rabbi Yaakov Hillel make mention to them in one CD as Avodah Zara. He said it in a joking but serious way.
My threads don’s change until I need to sew a different color.
I was once in a similar situation. An older man wanted real badly to set me up with his daughter. It felt like he was already calling the florist, while I had never even seen her. I guess she was OK, but I got really weirded out by his insistence, so I tried to avoid him. In shul , I would make sure to sit next to my friends or be talking to them (not during davening). It made the whole situation awkward for him to approach me with my friends around. Now I know what it feels like to be “hunted”, which most men will not feel.
Yoyo, would going into the store with a friend or two help the situation?
During the short break on Yom kippur, A middle aged man told me about how his father, may he be well, was with the American Army when they liberated one of the camps.
He said that the American soldiers were absolutely disgusted and appalled by what they found. After a few days, the American soldiers (presumably christians) just could not stand the sight of the germans any more. So the American rounded up the germans, and then the Americans took justice in their own hands.
ESTJ
I read the Adahan book a while ago (12+ years ago), and I was not impressed. She is clearly an NF and her pro-NF bias comes out.
Health,
1) mytake and I just used the first link returned by google, and we were both honest enough to include the link in our posts.
2) I’m probably older than you think I am.
I find it funny that this thread is posted in the “Decaf” section, whereas caffeine can be a cause of heart palpitations.
Heart Palpitations
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/003081.htm
Palpitations are heartbeat sensations that feel like your heart is pounding or racing. You may simply have an unpleasant awareness of your own heartbeat, or may feel skipped or stopped beats. The heart’s rhythm may be normal or abnormal. Palpitations can be felt in your chest, throat, or neck.
Normally the heart beats 60 – 100 times per minute. In people who exercise routinely or take medications that slow the heart, the rate may drop below 55 beats per minute.
If your heart rate is fast (over 100 beats per minute), this is called tachycardia. A slow heart rate is called bradycardia. An occasional extra heartbeat is known as extrasystole.
Palpitations are usually not serious. However, it depends on whether or not the sensations represent an abnormal heart rhythm ( arrhythmia). The following conditions make you more likely to have an abnormal heart rhythm:
* Known heart disease at the time the palpitations begin
* Significant risk factors for heart disease
* An abnormal heart valve
* An electrolyte abnormality in your blood — for example, a low potassium level
CAUSES
Heart palpitations can be caused by:
* Anemia
* Anxiety, stress, fear
* Caffeine
* Certain medications, including those used to treat thyroid disease, asthma, high blood pressure, or heart problems
* Cocaine
* Diet pills
* Exercise
* Fever
* Hyperventilation
* Low levels of oxygen in your blood
* Heart valve disease, including mitral valve prolapse
* Nicotine
* Overactive thyroid
HOME CARE
Reducing your caffeine intake will often significantly reduce your heart palpitations. Reducing stress and anxiety can help lessen the frequency or intensity of your heart palpitations. Try breathing exercises or deep relaxation (a step-by-step process of tensing and then relaxing every muscle group in your body) when palpitations occur. Practicing yoga or tai chi on a regular basis can reduce the frequency of your palpitations.
Keep a record of how often you have palpitations, when they happen, how long they last, your heart rate at the time of the palpitations, and what you are feeling at the time. This information may help your doctor figure out both their seriousness and their underlying cause.
Once a serious cause has been ruled out by your doctor, try NOT to pay attention to heart palpitations, unless you notice a sudden increase or a change in them.
If you have never had heart palpitations before, bring them to the attention of your health care provider.
When to Contact a Medical Professional
Call 911 if:
* You lose and regain consciousness.
* Someone with you loses consciousness.
* You have shortness of breath, chest pain, unusual sweating, dizziness, or lightheadedness.
Call your doctor right away if:
* You feel frequent extra heartbeats (more than 6 per minute or coming in groups of 3 or more).
* You have risk factors for heart disease, such as high cholesterol, diabetes, or high blood pressure.
* You have new or different heart palpitations.
* Your pulse is more than 100 beats per minute (without exercise, anxiety, or fever).
NorthWest
Hi all,
Tell the mods what you want as a sub-title.