Machshiv Torah

smile 66: Mazel tov! I very recently got married, so I hope I can be of help. First of all, in response to ah yid, it is TOTALLY normal for a kallah to go into the seforim store and even PAY for the whole thing herself. Where I come from, it doesn’t all get taken care of by Mommy and Totty. To each their own. There’s no right or wrong with this. I didn’t pay for our set, but I did personally go and pick them up after several trips to the store to see if our set came in yet. It was very gratifying to bring it from the store to my apartment all by myself, knowing how happy my chassan would be to see it on the shelf.

Anyway, here’s my advice:

Chassan size is HUGE. Looks majestic, but can be difficult to learn from such a big sefer. Medium is quite large enough. Also, since HE will be learning from it – ask him what he wants. Chances are he knows exactly which set he wants, maybe even which size. (mine knew…) We got the Oz VeHadar, medium size, EXPANDED edition (Im Harbey Hosafos) – if it doesnt say Im Harbey Hosafos – then it won’t have all the many ‘additional’ meforshim. My chassan wanted it specifically because it had all the ‘extras.’ You said $500 is your budget? I don’t know if you have certain money set aside for other gifts as well, but perhaps you can designate some other gift money to go towards the shas instead. If not, very possibly your chassan would be glad to chip in $100 or $200 to get the shas he wants. Discuss it with him. This type of thing need not be a surprise. It’s a big purchase and he should be 100% percent happy with it (and then you’ll be happy too!).

Btw, if I remember correctly, I paid $690 at Tuvia’s for the medium size, expanded Oz Vehadar. It’s plenty big, it’s clear and pleasant to use, and my chassan/husband is really enjoying it!

Mazel tov and hatzlacha!

Dear blonj,

This is especially for YOU.

PLEASE take time to read my post. These words are coming from my heart. I hope they will enter your heart.

First of all, I am blown away by your honesty and sincerity. Really. Although I am probably just about the same age as you (in my first few years of college), I have already had the opportunity to talk intimately with many young woman who are having struggles in the area of tznius. Seeing their raw pain in this struggle breaks my heart. They know deep down (if they are fortunate) what is the right thing to do, but the desire (almost subconcious!) to do the opposite is so strong! What always troubles me is that this is a mitzvah which is sooo important to women (and the yetzer hara knows that so he makes it verrrry difficult), but it’s so public!! You can’t hide what level you’re up to. It’s right out there in the open! Imagine if you’re exact level in tefillah or tzedakah was posted on a billboard for all to see? How embarassing! You would feel so pressured to improve! But would you improve? Probably not because most people do NOT perform well with pressure. It feels so ‘unfair’ that a woman’s level in tznius is so publicly known! Why, as I mentioned is it such an important mitzvah for women? (I don’t have a source for this, but some say it is equivalent to a man’s Torah learning – *If anyone knows the source for this, please post it.) Because a Jewish woman is sooo precious and sooo Holy, like a Sefer Torah, because her body has the potential to bring many more Holy Neshamos into this world (this is just one understanding…). If a Sefer Torah is so special, do we then open it up at all times, in public, so everyone can see it’s beauty? Do you keep your most expensive jewelry on display in the middle of you front yard or tucked away safely? Just as a Sefer Torah must be covered in a beautiful velvet cloth, and is then placed inside an Aron, and then behind a beautiful Peroches, so to a Jewish woman covers herself because she is so special and Holy.

If you only view this Mitzvah as “HALACHA!!! YOU MUST DO IT!!,” you will only succeed if you already have an EXTREMELY straight forward, no feelings way of thinking. If you have feelings connected to this Mitzvah, such as, “I want to feel pretty in my clothing,” then this approach will not work for you (and you can join the club!) However, that straight-forward, no feelings mindset may be necessary when you KNOW you need to, say, get rid of a skirt and there’s no time to dilly-dally until you “feel” up to it. But once you take that step and it becomes habit, it will only get easier from there.

Still sounds very difficult? I don’t blame you. But let me tell you my experience. My friends call me the ‘Tznius lady.’ Years ago, at the beginning of my teenage years, NOBODY would have called me that. I dressed just like many of the other girls in my class. Basically okay. Or so I thought. But at some point my eyes opened up and various messages from various people started finding their way into my heart and I had these random surges of energy to take those ‘big steps.’ And (cutting out several years worth of info here, for lack of time/space) here I am today, married to a real BEN TORAH (hence my screen name 🙂 ) and as tznius as can be. I did not all at once say, HEY! IT’S HALACHA! and viola! Nope. But Hashe-m was SUPER generous and sent me kind messengers who steered me in the right direction (I went back and thanked many of them YEARS later for the influence they had on me just by being an EXAMPLE for tznius). Now, I will daven for you that you get your ‘messages’ and that they are able to penetrate your heart, but until that happens, let me tell you what it feels like on the other end of the struggle: AWESOME!!!!!!!!! Yes, I do have some smaller struggles once in a while, like an adorable skirt in the store, or a shirt that became too tight… but I KNOW that I will NEVER be struggling with the things I struggled with years ago, (such as covering my legs! And tight T-shirts. Skirts that are a bit snug you-know-where – these last few examples where simply because I was a growing teenager having a hard time letting go of my cute clothing – it was HARD). It’s amazing – you feel so….. BIG! so HIGH and ELEVATED when your struggles (there always will be SOME) are on a TOTALLY DIFFERENT LEVEL(!!) than they used to be. And you KNOW there’s know going all the way back down ‘THERE.’ It feels VERY good. Take it from me – it’s definitely worth the climb. The view from ‘up here’ is fabulous!!

I don’t know exactly how you could contact me (Mods??) but I have a beautiful article on tznius, with many PRACTICAL tips and lots of POSITIVE ENCOURAGEMENT that I have already passed on to hundreds of people with very positive response. I would love to post it here and share with you, blonj, but it’s much too long. PLEASE try to get in touch with me – maybe just respond to my post and I’ll see it here??

BEST OF LUCK AND LOTS OF LOVE!