Lilmod Ulelamaid

“Can i send my resume to the shadchan without calling first? Do i need to call or can i just send my resume?”

You could, but follow up with a phone call, especially if they don’t email you back within app. 2 days.

oatmeal

turnkey

LB – nice! That’s an idea – Rav Leff would be a good Rav/teacher for you. You should check out his website and other shiurim.

Lightbrite – unless the Rabbi was on the level of R’ Chaim Kanievsky, Shlita, he doesn’t know who your beshert is. Don’t believe him.

And if he was R’ Chaim Kanievsky, he probably wouldn’t tell you who your beshert is.

All the questions I have asked R’ Chaim about shidduchim had the same answer, “mah she’hi rotzah” (whatever she wants), and I wasn’t even asking who I should marry.

Rebshidduch – I got that. My point was that I’m agreeing with you that it’s a good idea.

Maybe you can try Rosie & Sherry. I think they have a dating column on Aish.com. They may have their own website as well. They may be able to answer your questions as well as refer you to a mentor.

They are “dating experts” who help people who are dating and they also train mentors. My one hesitation is that I’m not sure which segment of the population they have expertise in. I don’t know if it’s all segments or specifically older singles, or people from a certain type of haskafa/background.

But either way, I think they have mentors who are skilled at dealing with different types, so you can tell them about yourself, and hopefully, they can find the right type of mentor for you.

rooster

oregano

hors d’oeuvre or hors d’oevre

“I recently heard some non-Jewish people singing the melody used

in a Simcha Leiner song – don’t know the title, but it includes

the lyrics “sasson v’simcha.” Can anyone name the original song?”

It’s actually better not to know these things. If you know the original words, and if they are assur, then it becomes assur to listen to the Jewish song if you end up thinking about the original words. So says R’ Matisyahu Salomon, Shlita, in one of his books. Otherwise, it’s not a problem.

“Not a statement we fully agree with as Torah Jews”

I’m not sure about that. One of my teachers always used to say that we should always be asking, “Is it good for the Jews or bad for the Jews?”.

That should be the question we always ask ourselves before every action.

I wonder why you think it’s not a statement we fully agree with as Torah Jews?

Just say, “Hi, my name is _____, I’m 20 years old and looking for a shidduch, and I was given your name.”

Let the shadchan take it from there. She/he will probably want you to email a resume and to set up an appointment to meet in person. Or she may ask you over the phone to tell her/him about yourself and what you are looking for. Be prepared with a basic speech about yourself and what you are looking for.

I think it would be a good idea (if possible) to speak to someone first to get a good idea of what to expect when meeting a shadchan and to help you prepare what to say. Also, to help you get an idea of what you are looking for. If you have no one to speak to, don’t worry about it. But try to think if you have anyone to speak to. Maybe a teacher, or a neighbor, or a family friend, or a friend who is already in shidduchim.

“During the same shiur, Rabbi Schachter said whom to marry, whom to vote for and what line of parnassa a person should choose are all halachic shailos within the purview of Daas Torah that a Posek is deputized to issue binding halachic rulings for a person to follow.”

If he did say that, it is important to realize that that doesn’t mean that a person has an obligation to ask in the first place. Also, Gedolim don’t normally issue psakim in these matters (besides voting), and would probably only do so in very specific cases.

Just want to point out that I did not intend any disrespect to R’ Shachter in my previous post, c”v.

As Takahmamash and Catchyourself pointed out, I have no reason to assume that he actually said this, and since it seems to contradict other things I’ve heard and learned, I’m assuming that there is a good chance that he didn’t.

Also, even if he did say it, the way it’s quoted in Joseph’s post, it is so theoretical as to be pretty irrelevant l’maaseh, so my post isn’t really a contradiction.

And of course, there are probably other opinions.

So I just checked on HebrewBooks, and they don’t seem to have the third volume of Igros Moshe. I guess that explains why I couldn’t find these shu”tim when I tried to look last week.

And it’s too late to borrow from a neighbor now. So it will probably have to wait. Oh, well.

I would think it would be my son, but then we’ll have to wait a really long time, c”v, since he hasn’t been born yet.

Maybe one of my nephews – we wouldn’t have to wait as long, but we’d still have to wait. I imagine that Moshiach has to be able to walk and talk.

not mine.

The best years of my life were ages 0-13, and 38+. The quarter of a century between 13 and 38 was extremely difficult, and I am really glad it is over! But, at the same time, Baruch Hashem, I learned a lot of things during those years that are very helpful now, ad meah v’esrim at least, B’ezras Hashem. Both book learning and life lessons.

Randomex – thank you for answering my question. I had not understood the OP that way. Is that what you meant, Rebshidduch?

Either way, my recommendation remains the same. Both for enjoyment and improvement, I highly recommend:

“Emunah with love and chicken soup” by Sara Yocheved Rigler.

I heard from Rav Orlofsky that someone (I don’t remember who) said that Daas Torah does not apply to whom you marry. This makes sense to me since according to Halacha, the person has to agree to the marriage (as we learn by Rivka). Also, it is a very personal matter, and your Neshama knows whom you are supposed to marry (that is the idea of the Bas Kol according to an article by Dr. Benzion Sorotzkin).

It makes sense to me that parnassah would be the same way. The Chovos Halevavos in Shaar Habitachon writes about how one is supposed to choose a parnassah based on what they are drawn to. That sounds to me like it has to be a personal choice.

In Dr. Sorotzkin’s article, he compares choosing a parnassah to choosing a spouse, and he writes about how one has to decide for himself whom he marries. I think you should read the article, LB. I think you would like it. You can find it online. It is called “Finding the Bashert: Why is it so difficult to hear the Bas Kol?”

Who to vote for is very different because that is not a personal decision, and it very much affects all of Am Yisrael, and you have no business making such a decision yourself.

There may be other personal decisions that would require Daas Torah (maybe even everything else), but I think that these two areas, or at least choosing a spouse, are personal decisions.

Disclaimer I: I do not have a source other than R’ Orlofsky’s quote. It could be that the article brings sources (I read it a really long time ago).

Disclaimer II: I am not referring to cases in which there are specific issues involved that may require Daas Torah. Theoretically, a specific issue could include a guy (who has a chiyuv to get married) who is refusing to marry girls for no good reason, simply because he has commitment issues.

Disclaimer III: While I don’t think I would ask Daas Torah about either of these issues, if a Gadol Hador tells you what to do without your asking, you should definitely take it seriously.

FuturePotus – Shkoyach! That was very well-put!

“With respect to losing one’s kesuba, Rav Moshe says it explicitly even for the d’Oraisa of hair covering.”

He says they don’t lose their kesuva, but he says they are still doing something wrong.

imagine

ashtray

GAW – Thanks. My question was: What volume of Igros Moshe is it in? And on what page?

If I had an Igros Moshe, I could find it myself. But since I don’t, I will have to look in hebrewbooks, and I find it hard to find things there if I don’t know the exact volume (and preferably page number). Thank you.

“I thought it was that when someone becomes bar/bat mitzvah they get the Yetzer Tov, not the neshama. I’m pretty sure the Neshama comes at birth, that’s how we function.”

Futurepotus, I think that it is correct.

Futurepotus, wow, that’s scary! In order for it to pose such a big threat, it seems to me that it must be that it has a lot of supporters within the Orthodox world. I had not realized that was the case.

“So then Hashem did not create that produce for Bnai Yisroel to consume. If not, why not?”

What about things that are poisonous?

LB – You are a wonderful, spiritual person who has a lot of Ahavas Hashem and is working very hard to grow closer to Hashem and to do the right thing.

But it seems to me that you have a hard time with the concept of bending your will to Hashem’s Will and not trying to change His Will to fit with your own.

While Loving Hashem and having a positive attitude are very important, it is at least as important to remember that our purpose in life is to be “Ovdei Hashem” – to serve Hashem and to be willing to do whatever He wants us to do, no matter how hard it is.

What if Avraham Avinu had said, “How could a loving G-d possibly tell me to sacrifice my son? This makes no sense!” He would have been well-excused for thinking that and refusing to go forward with Akeidas Yitzchak.

If he had done that, where would be today? We are around today in his zchus. We daven to Hashem in the zchus avos (merits of the fathers). What does this mean? Why should Hashem favor us because of what our ancestors did?

It is because we have inherited their spiritual genes. Avraham’s sacrifice gave us the potential and ability to make similar sacrifices. Hashem is not asking us to do what Avraham Avinu did, but He asks us to make similar sacrifices, each on his own level. Different people have different challenges; some are harder and some are easier. Hashem gives greater challenges to those who are greater because He knows they can handle it and they have the ability to reach greater heights. The greater the challenge, the greater the reward in the end, and the greater the accomplishment, and the greater the person will feel in the end when they overcome their desires in order to bend themselves to Hashem’s Will.

We all have challenges, and we all have opportunities to serve Hashem by bending our will to His.