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If I really didn’t want to, I would ask R’ Shteinman what to do, and if he says to listen to R’ Chaim, then I would.
But if anyone of a lesser status said that, I wouldn’t listen. MAYBE if the person were almost as great as R’ Chaim, I would ask R’ Chaim or R’ Shteinman what to do.
But I think it’s a totally theoretical question because I don’t think it would happen. Every question I’ve asked R’ Chaim about shidduchim so far had the same response: “?? ???? ????”
This was probably because he knew with his ruach hakodesh that that is what I needed to hear because most of my life I have been bombarded by people telling me to do what they want and not what I want.
Which derech agav,is what concerns me about this thread in the first place – I know how much I have suffered in my life from feeling like I had to listen to people whom I didn’t have to listen to – and I can see other girls who are like me getting the wrong impression from this thread, and it could potentially have really bad repercussions.
I nominate Meno. I think he would make a great moderator. I don’t know if he wants to give up his engineering job though…
Joseph – because she’s a teenage girl.
It is time: what did I write that you thought was typical of our generation (and different than this one)? and/or typical of your own experiences?
It probably has to do with what they feel it represents. They don’t feel it’s an appropriate style for a princess (aka bas yisrael). The way a person dresses affects how they think about themselves, and they want you to feel like the princess that you are.
LF, I’ve been in shidduchim for a while; I ‘m really good at getting information out of people…
I actually met someone who grew up without electricity or cars. He lived 3 days journey by donkey from the closest village. And this wasn’t even so long ago – he’d be about 40 now. He was Ethiopian.
I was guessing that’s who Yisroel Dovid Finkelstein is.
I think there might be a girls’ version too, but I forgot what it’s called.
Then she has to go _____ seminary where the girls wear two different ones.
Thank you for your answers, Mod- 100.
“I can pretty much gurantee that very few of any who are members will stop being because of this statement”
But someone who is on the border might very well think twice about it.
What about you and your seminary, Shopping? Do you find it to be true there as well?
I feel bad for the girls who don’t know these very important facts before they go to seminary. I don’t even know what most of the shoes you listed are.
Reminds me of one seminary I worked in. A girl was very proud of herself as she told me that she had just learned the halacha that you are supposed to dress up for Rosh Chodesh so she had made sure to do so. I could not figure out what in the world she was talking about until she told me that she was wearing her nicer sneakers.
I kid you not.
“Being thin skinned has a lot to do with not having confidence in one’s convictions, and lashing out because of a perceived slight would reflect a lack of confidence. I don’t lack it, and thus don’t feel a need to take it personally or lash out.”
One thing about the CR – I have definitely learned to have thicker skin since I’ve been here! It’s kind of impossible to stay here without it!
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“All the theories are nice, and I’m sure Hashem loves the vast majority of us, but there are p’sukim which clearly say that are certain types of people who Hashem hates.
Just make sure you’re not one of those, and Hashem will love you.”
DY, you’re not really arguing with the idea that Hashem loves each individual Jew or that when it says Hashem loves Am Yisrael it means the people in Am Yisrael. You are simply saying that there are exceptions.
I don’t think that is a stira to the concept that I and others were saying. My point was not that there can’t be exceptions.
I think that Hashem loves all Jews and all people. It is possible that there are exceptions. I actually think there aren’t based on different things that I have learned over the years, but it’s ?”?, I would have to do research and look for sources, and that’s not something I have time for right now.
But the basic idea remains the same:
Hashem loves you, Lightbrite, and Shopping, and Lilmod, and DY, and Winnie the Pooh, and Nechomah, and Geordie, and It is Time for Truth, and Bais Yaakov Liberal, and Shraga,and probably everyone else in Am Yisrael as well!
Who are other two? Me and Joseph?
Geordie – you serious? and here, I finally got around to figuring out to send a fax…
“If this is how people think of college, does it apply only to college or to all learning?”
If what is how people think of college? that it’s only for parnassah purposes?
misteryudi, there was a thread from a while back that I was trying to find so I could post the link for you. It was about someone who decided to leave the CR because he/she felt that he/she was having Emunah problems because of posts in the CR.
I don’t know how common that is, but the fact that it happened once is cause for caution. I would guess that that is the reason for Mod-100’s caution.
Person1 -welcome back! Hope you’ve been busy with more worthwhile pursuits.
btw, how do you know english so well? Are your parents anglos? Someone in another thread claimed that if a boy in the Israeli Chareidi world learns english, it means he is OTD. The only exception was someone with Anglo parents, so I hope your parents are Anglo… 🙂
Actually, it’s just hard for me to imagine that an Israeli would have such good english unless his parents were Anglos.
“I asked one posek, and she said it’s muttar.”
lol.
“Not everything is called hora’ah.”
That was my point. I’m wondering what the precise definition of hora’ah is.
Actually, I think that this generation has a much harder time on the whole than ours did. Teenagers and kids certainly seem to have a much harder time.
I think that my experiences were relatively unique. I do sometimes meet or hear about someone my age who also has had a hard time, but most people whom I know don’t seem to. Also, what I think was unique for me was that I had a hard time both during my teenagers years and during my 20’s and 30’s. Most people I know don’t seem to have had a hard time during all three of those decades.
I’m sure there are others from my generation who have had a hard time, but my particular experiences were very unique for my peer group, and I don’t think they were at all typical.
Just to give a few small examples: I am the only one from my high school class who is still single, and this has been the case for app. 20 years. I was the only one from my high school or seminary class whose parents made aliyah with them right after high school. I was also the only one who went to the seminary that I went to. And I was the only American from my high school or seminary who stayed in Israel after Shana Bet.
These are just some of the more minor examples. There are many other things, but they are too personal.
The point is that my experiences were very unique.
I don’t mean to complain – I am Boruch Hashem, pretty happy with the way my life is right now, and I have a lot to thank Hashem for. I don’t necessarily mind being unique, and my life has also been unique in many positive ways. I have certainly had many opportunities in my life to do things that I really wanted to do and that few people have the opportunity to do. And I am very thankful for those things.
What are they?
payphones. There have been times when I really needed one (cellphone was broken), and was really frustrated that I couldn’t use a payphone. It was particularly frustrating because the payphones themselves still exist, but no one sells phonecards anymore, so they are not useable.
My friend’s husband actually tried buying a typewriter because he wanted to be able to type up his Divrei Torah and didn’t want a computer in the house. He couldn’t find one. So he had to buy a computer in the end, but he calls it a word processor instead.
I tried buying a CD player recently and the guy in the store seemed not to know what I was talking about. All my friends seem to have CD players, but I guess they bought them 20 years ago.
Thank you for bringing the source, although I can’t look at it right now. I hadn’t realized there was another opinion. I don’t have R’ Auerbach’s sefer available right now, but my impression was that he quotes the first opinion as being the halacha l’maaseh (I didn’t even remember that he quoted another opinion – was the first one on top and the second one in a footnote?).
My impression in general was that the first opinion is the halacha l’maaseh. Do you know how contemporary poskim posken on this?
I also wonder how there can be an opinion that it’s assur for women to posken. Poskening is something that everyone must do on some level all the time. Women certainly have to. So the question would be what are the exact parameters of the type of poskening that women are not allowed to do (according to that shita)? (maybe that’s in the source you brought).
derech agav, I think the psak that women should make the bracha before lighting Y”T candles came from a woman. I think it was the Drisha u’Prisha’s mother. But I guess it was only accepted as psak halacha after he quoted it.
I didn’t actually think you were a senior moderator because of your number. It was really because of the air of authority/manners/maturity that you seem to exude.
How many moderators are there, or is that private? Does more than one moderator work at a time? How do you decide who moderates which posts? Does it go by time/topic/poster/luck of the draw/first come-first serve/other? And do moderators read all of the previous posts in a thread they are moderating?
If different moderators moderate different threads, how does a moderator know if a poster is making a reference to a previous thread and how would they know how to relate to it (I think that I have experienced moderators misunderstanding comments of mine for that reason; that is why I am wondering).
Of course, I understand if you are not allowed to answer any or all of these questions. I appreciate your taking the time to answer my other questions.
“I believe the other moderator meant that different moderators approve or delete (or comment on) different posts, and therefore no assumptions should be made about the bias of the moderator(s). We may just have a slightly different threshold for approval on the questionable posts.”
Thank you for explaining. Now, that makes sense the way you explained it. But I’m still not sure that it contradicts NCB’s point the way I understood it.
DY: “Agav, I didn’t read the last two sentences as an attack on you. I though he changed gears and was making a general statement.”
+1. You also make assumptions about what other posters mean in order to be dan l’kaf zchus so you shouldn’t criticize me when I do so.
“I appreciate your being don l’kaf zchus of ITFT, but even if I saw the second last line as general, the last line can’t be understood any other way.”
Yichusdik, I actually had also understood both of the last two lines as general as well. I wasn’t going to say anything because I am tired of being attacked for defending other posters, and since DY said something, I didn’t think it was necessary, but now I suppose it is necessary.
That’s actually not true – it just depends how and why it’s done. According to halacha*, women are allowed to posken if they are qualified, but it’s doubtful if any woman nowadays is qualified, and most people who think they are, are not and are not doing it for the right reasons.
*source: Halichos Baisa by Rav (Dovid?) Auerbach, quoting Sefer HaChinuch (I’m pretty sure) and maybe others (don’t have it on me, so can’t look it up).
Moderator 100- thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post :).
That’s interesting about the word game thread – I was trying to figure out what was so complicated about moderating a word game 🙂 At least, it helped me to realize that I can’t take it personally when a post takes a long time to moderate!
“Everything is read before being approved.”
In that case, I don’t understand the previous moderator’s comment.
btw, are you a senior moderator? Is that why you have the number 100?
Catch yourself & DY – lol, I’m impressed. Can you give me lessons in writing Piskei Halacha?
WTP – It is definitely true that online courses can avoid many of the problems inherent in a regular college.
HOWEVER, one should not be misled into thinking that online courses are completely kosher and problem-free. They are a better option, but still not ideal. I am not against college when it is necessary, but one must think carefully before making such a decision and be aware of the dangers.
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“What you are saying would only make sense if I was reading and modding all posts and always on a device that allowed posting.”
Curious about what this sentence means. I get the second part, although that was a chiddush to me. I actually have been meaning to ask about why the moderators just delete without commenting.
It bothers me because: 1. I don’t always know if something was deliberately deleted or just didn’t go through for some technical reason. 2. If it was deliberately deleted, I would want to know why/which part, so I could rewrite it in a fashion that it wouldn’t be deleted.
It seems at least part of the answer is that the moderators are not always able to comment for technical reasons.
I’m not clear on the first part of the sentence though. Are you saying that some posts are just put through without being read and moderated? I was also wondering about a previous moderator comment on this thread about having wanted to edit a post. If the moderator wanted to edit the post, why didn’t he/she? Was it an accident?
I also would like to respectfully request that moderators use their moderator names when they moderate, so we can know who we are talking to and when we are talking to the same person and when we are not.
I’m also curious as to how many moderators there are. There are only 2 or 3 who use their moderator number, but I have no idea if there are others. LB seemed to think there were at least 5 or 6, although I don’t know what she was basing this on.
I’m also wondering why some posts take so much longer to moderate than others. At first, I thought it had to do with how long or complicated the post was, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. One of my posts on the 7-letter game took many,many hours to moderate even though many later posts were moderated meanwhile.
What about loaning someone money instead of lending them money?
Where in the world did that come from, and is it correct?
WTP: “That said, I too am a bit bothered by using “Hashem loves you” as a slogan because it reminds me of other versions of this statement put out by other religions”
This could be the answer to what LB wrote earlier:
“It’s def possible that both are true. Honestly though I hear “G[o]d loves you” way more from people who aren’t Jewish and are typically Christian. Of course, Christianity is based off of Jewish teachings.”
The goyim took it from us. But it’s possible that once they started using it or overusing it or misusing it, Yidden were reluctant to use it as much. Which may or may not be a good thing. It might not have been something that was done deliberately or consciously – just an automatic reaction, perhaps.
“Lilmod, what is the difference between telling him not to marry a certain girl and to marry a certain girl?Why should he ask a bet din?”
I was assuming that his father felt there was a particular hashkafic or halachic reason why he was doing something wrong by marrying this girl, and therefore he should ask Daas Torah about that particular issue. I didn’t mean a Beis Din – I meant a Gadol hador.
One of the differences between telling someone to not marry someone specific and telling someone to marry someone specific is that there may be a problem with marrying that specific person (which is presumably the reason why someone is telling them not to get married).
Besides for that, it should be obvious that there is a world of a difference between telling someone not to marry someone specific and telling them to marry someone specific. Forcing someone to marry someone they don’t like is very different from forcing them to not marry someone they do.
The truth is that on some level that is done all the time. Anytime that I call someone to ask about a guy who was redt to me and they tell me not to go out with him, that is what they are doing in essence. It has happened that someone told me in very strong terms not to go out with a particular person.
On the other hand, it is pretty rare that anyone told me that I had to marry a particular person (maybe date, but not marry), and the few times it has happened, I ignored them. But if someone tells me NOT to go out with someone, I take it very seriously.
fine, but you’re still talking about a case where he doesn’t want to get married at all. I don’t think that’s what we have been talking about. Although I did actually mention such a case as a possible exception in an above post (http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/a-posek-can-tell-you-who-to-marry#post-642538)
And it’s pretty rare for someone to davka not want to get married. There are people who have a hard time actually doing it for whatever reason, but that doesn’t mean that they davka don’t want to get married.
And if there are cases like that, I can’t imagine that a beis din nowadays would force them to get married. I also can’t imagine that there are too many girls who would agree to marry such a person. And I also can’t imagine that it would be very helpful for such a person to force him to get married. He probably either needs psychological help or has a good reason for not wanting to get married or both, and forcing him to get married would not be very helpful in most cases.
On the other hand, there are many guys who want to get married in theory, but are either having trouble committing or have ridiculous ideas of what they are looking for (often extreme age differences), but don’t seem to have serious psychological problems Some of these guys might actually have been helped by a Beis Din forcing them to marry one of the girls whom they went out with and had no good reason for not marrying. But l’maaseh, no one is doing that. If that were really doable, it would be a great way to solve the shidduch crisis. There are a lot of older guys who are too picky and meanwhile they just keep getting older and older.
Joseph – That would only apply to a boy, and it still wouldn’t mean that they can force him to marry a particular girl (which is what we are discussing).
mw13: “I’m with NC on this one – I do think that the mods here have recently been quicker to criticize the posts of the right-wing posters than those of the left-wing ones.”
Actually, to add to his defense, I don’t think he even said that. He merely said that it doesn’t “cater to the religious right”. His point was that they will defend people on the left, and he felt that it’s inaccurate to describe the CR as “catering to the religious right” when they do defend people on the left.
The moderators may be defining the term “catering to the religious right” differently than NCB is, since it’s not such a clearly defineable term. Both the terms “catering to” and “religious right” can have more than one interpretation.
Personally, I would probably also disagree with whoever said that the CR “caters to the religious right”. From what I’ve seen, it seems to me that there are times when they let negative comments about either side slide by or they themselves come out in favor of or against one or the other. I don’t know if one happens more than the other, but I have seen both.
If I am understanding you incorrectly, NCB, you can feel free to correct me.
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That’s true in general, but in this case, I don’t think it’s true (which is what I meant). A restaurant does not = all the food in the restaurant, but I think that Am Yisrael does refer to all the people in Am Yisrael. If Hashem loves Am Yisrael, it is because He loves the people in Am Yisrael.
Part of the difference lies in the fact that Hashem’s loving something/someone is different than a human’s love which is based on subjectivity and whims. So a person can love a restaurant without loving each part of it. Hashem’s love is real and complete, so if He loves Am Yisrael, He loves each part of Am Yisrael. And Am Yisrael is the people of Am Yisrael. They are one and the same. You can’t separate the two.
So there are two differences: 1. A restaurant does not = all the food on the menu. 2. Hashem’s love is different than a person’s love.
At least that’s how I see it. But I would be interested in seeing what the mefarshim say, if I ever have a chance.
Joseph- they don’t have to listen.
Thanks for posting the link
Well if He loves Am Yisrael as a whole, He also loves each one of us.
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DY – lol, thanks.
LB – I think Avraham Fried got it from a passuk (or perhaps a Medrash). There are definitely many Psukim about how Hashem loves us. If no one else posts sources, I will try to do so another time, b”n.
DY – thanks. cute.
“How’s that any different than being at one’s point in life of refraining from eating non-kosher?”
There are people who are not yet at the point of refraining from eating non-kosher.
LB – I think we’re talking about real Gedolim here. I think that was bluhbluh’s point. And a Gadol Hador would be unlikely to tell someone this except in very specific cases.
It sounds like there are a lot of conditions to this issue. So unless you’ve listened to the entire shiur, I don’t think you should let it concern you.
I certainly don’t think you should listen to any Rabbi you know who tells you to marry someone specific, since I highly doubt that any of the Rabbis you know are qualified to do so.
If it does happen and you really are concerned, ask another Rav if you have to listen to the first Rav. And I am not talking about a LOR. I mean that you should ask someone much greater than that for such a serious issue. Personally, I would probably write to R’ Chaim Kanievsky and ask him. But if you’re not comfortable with that (and it might not be so appropriate for you to do so), you can email someone like Rav Leff. I actually think he might be a very good person for you to ask your questions to in general, both halachic and hashkafic.