Lilmod Ulelamaid

Apushatyaid: “Why this was reported as “news” is beyond me. The over reaction by some while not surprising, is also beyond me. Do you learn in ponovezh? Why do you care?

Thank you YWN for facilitating the badmouthing of a Yeshiva and it’s roshei Yeshiva. (perhaps this is why the Yeshiva is banning the “technology” all it does is facilitate leitsanus and the bad mouthing of others).”

Maskim. The spreading of motzi shem ra about Am Yisrael by websites that label themselves as Frum is probably the biggest problem with internet today. It also may well be one of the biggest problems facing Am Yisrael today. The Rabbanim whom I’ve spoken to so far about this issue are very upset about it.

That is why I (in conjunction with Gedolei Yisrael) am trying to do whatever we can to stop it.

“AND WHAT I SAID SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN OFFENSIVE TO ANYONE, IN GROUP OR NOT,”

“Unfortunately, we don’t get to be the arbiter of what another person finds hurtful or offensive.”

“Would you be okay with it if you were there while someone mentioned Jews in a neutral way and a goy got up and said wow that’s offensive some of us have to deal with Jewish people every day?”

That’s actually an interesting discussion. I once mentioned to a friend that someone once was offended by something I did, and I don’t think she should have been. My friend responded that you can’t say that someone shouldn’t be offended by something.

But I think she is wrong. If someone tells me that she is offended by the fact that I wear shoes, she is wrong, and I should not stop wearing shoes and I should not feel bad about it.

On the other hand, it is important to be sensitive to other’s feelings (even when it makes no sense to you) and try not to do things that offend them when possible. But that has to be balanced by a realistic sense of the extent to which it makes sense for you to take their feelings into account without hurting yourself.

I don’t know if people notice capitalization so quickly. My name got changed from lower-case to capital and I didn’t even notice.

When I was about 7 years old and learned about Rashi, I decided that I was going to be like Rashi and write a peirush on the Siddur (since the Chumash had already been done by Rashi). I gave myself an acronym (my initials) and sat down to work. I had a chiddush on Ma Tovu, but I couldn’t write it down right away because I decided I had to start from Modah Ani.

Well, guess what? I never got up to Ma Tovu because my sisters called me out to play before I got very far. And I no longer remember what my chiddush on Ma Tovu was. Oh, well.

“They weren’t even in the group that it was supposedly offensive to”

That shouldn’t make any difference. We are supposed to identify with others and feel offended when others are put down. In fact, we should be more upset when someone else is put down.

What’s Boro Park?

I would too.

and you would have to see them around other people and see if they stand out in the crowd. I don’t think there’s any way to see that in a picture.

There are a lot of things kids never learn. We are supposed to be learning our whole lives. There are many things I haven’t learned yet. And actually, the halachos of cannibalism is something that I did learn at some point, despite the fact that there are many halachos that come up more frequently that I haven’t yet learned 🙁

What? I’m still lost…

The headline is: SouthWest reports few snags with switches to new system.

So what if I did okay in school (depending on the year, the subject and my mood), didn’t have a uniform (I graduated high school before most Bais Yaakov’s had uniforms), am not married yet but hope to be so one day, do not know yet how I will meet my husband although I prefer non-traditional methods, am not sure what the jargon is (although I have a tendency to throw out words like “chap” and “shkoyach”. does that count?), wear black tights in the winter and black knee-hi’s in the summer?

Does that mean that I am not a model citizen? Does it mean I don’t fit in? Is being a model citizen the same as fitting in? Can I be a model citizen even if I don’t fit in?

it was never decided that it’s not cruel to withhold a get. In fact, the majority of the posters agreed that it was cruel.

nice!

They are not supposed to be a contradiction. If they are, you are doing something wrong, and the fear is not real fear but rather of an OCD nature.

RY – Thank you for starting a “real” topic as opposed to a troll one. I like it when you say real things.
You have a lot of worthwhile things to say. You should do it more often.

Shkoyach!

One of the Chevra: “Rabbi Avigdor Miller Z”L was once asked “What do you think of certain groups of people who believe that only their beliefs are correct and only the way of life they chose is correct, and everyone who disagrees or acts differently is wrong?”
Rabbi Miller answered ” That is the way it should be!” if you believe something is right or you chose a way of life, hopefully you think that your beliefs are correct and your way of life is the correct way, and anyone who believes otherwise is incorrect!””

I agree with this! The idea that there is no such as absolute truth is a goyish, western one.

We don’t teach them that it is wrong to lie or to steal until it comes up. Or if it is in the Parsha or Chumash that they are learning. If cannibalism comes up and you don’t say anything about it, then you are right.

I actually did learn about it in halacha at some point.

In short: self-esteem comes from focusing on and defining yourself according to your (spiritual) potential and not your accomplishments. Your accomplishments are by definition limited so you will alway feel short and always feel bad about yourself if that is how you define yourself.

Your spiritual potential is unlimited so you will feel good about yourself if that is how you define yourself. If we would only realize how much we accomplish with every word, thought, or action! According to the Nefesh HaChaim, there are many “worlds” besides this one, and with every thought, word, or action, we make tremendous changes in all of these worlds. If you ever said one nice word to someone (even “hello”), you have done something so amazing that you can’t even imagine!!!!!

Well, based on my experience….

Let’s just say that I try to daven every day not to have go to gehinnom. Preferably through Hashem helping me to do Teshuva and putting it in others’ minds to be moichel me.

This is probably one of the main tefillos that I try to constantly daven. I think it’s kidai for everyone (except for those who will become OCD).

I realized after I wrote the long post that I could have responded more simply as follows:

I don’t understand how you can possibly question what I wrote since you yourself have responded in similar ways with less reason for it. How about the fact that you wrote (or implied) that you didn’t think that LB should be askinig about bubble umbrellas? How can you posken that it’s definitely fine? Why didn’t you tell her that she must ask a sheilah? In that case, the issue was about something that is not mentioned one way or another in halacha, so how can you assume that it is mutter?

In this case, LB had not spoken loshon hora according to what she wrote. Why should she be made to feel that she has to ask a sheilah about every word she has ever said if there was no reason to think there was a problem?

Precisely! Shkoyach!

I asked a sheilah once to a well-known poseik about taking something to help me sleep at night on Shabbos (I had recently heard a recording of a shiur in which it was mentioned that it’s a machlokes.) The Rav said that it’s assur. So I asked, “but isn’t there an opinion that it’s muttar?”

So he said, “Wait a minute.” He went and looked it up and came back and told me that I can take it if I really need to (I do).

Disclaimer: I am not suggesting that one make a practice of shopping for leniencies. I am talking about those situations in which there is more than one valid opinion, and there are factors that may make if difficult for the person in question to go by the stricter opinion. They should make sure to mention those factors when asking the sheilah.

I’m so happy to hear that! I was scared that you guys weren’t friends anymore.

I believe I already responded to everything you wrote, but I will clarify some points that may not be clear.

You are wrong – this is the type of “psak” that everyone has to make all the time.

First of all, in general, anyone who knows the halacha can and should tell others what the halacha is if asked or if there is a situation that necessitates it. I teach halacha and write halacha sefarim and I answer people’s halacha questions (if I know the answer. Granted, there aren’t that many topics or that many questions I am qualified to answer, and I don’t pretend that there are. But I know when I am qualified to do so and when I am not and when it would be better to answer my question myself and when it would be better to refer the person elsewhere).

Second of all, even the most unlearned people have to “posken” on some level all the time. We posken every second of our lives. Every decision we make every second is a halachic decision and we have to posken for ourselves much of the time. We have to know when we can posken for ourselves and when we have to ask someone else.

We also have to posken for others all the time. I think you mentioned once that you have kids. I sincerely hope that you issue these types of “psakim” for your kids on a regular basis. If not, you should start going to chinuch classes or speak to a Rav about it.

Additinally, it is important to keep in mind that while halacha covers every aspect of our lives and each decision we make, there are many different types of halachos that call for different types of “knowledge” and “aitza”. Anyone who is in a position of giving advice or guiding others (which is everyone, but especially parents, teachers, therapists, and anyone who is in a similar position whether formally or informally) is poskening for the person when they give advice. As I wrote, every decision a person makes has to be made based on halacha, so every piece of advice you give someone has to based on halacha, since halacha covers every single thing that a person says, thinks, or does.

Some “piskei halacha” must be based more on those things that people think of as halacha and some times they are based more on factors such as psychology (Torah psychology not Freudian psychology). Although as I said everything is included under the umbrella of halacha on some level.

My response to LB was based on a combination of my knowledge of hilchos LH and my knowledge of Torah psychology (as learned from the Torah, my rebbeim, life experience and hilchos LH themselves). “Poskening” hilchos L”H usually involves a certain knowledge of (Torah) psychology.

I did not tell her to ask a sheilah for a combination of several reasons. I would have preferred not to go into them, but I suppose it is necessary in order to clear up any misconceptions. First of all , I felt very strongly that I knew the answer. Additionally, I did not know who she would ask and I do not have reason to believe that she would ask someone who knows better than me. The fact that someone holds the title Rabbi does not necessarily mean that he would know the answer to this question better than me. As one of my friend’s husband says “you only ask a question if you don’t know the answer.”

Regarding hotlines, I (and others I know) have had experiences in which we were given the wrong answer. In some cases, this was because the Rav answering the question knew less about the particular halachos than I did (and admitted that fact when I referred him to the appropriate source), and in some cases it was because he did not understand the situation despite my attempts to clarify (and yes, in the cases I am referring to, we asked another Rav who confirmed that the first Rav was wrong).

Some of the problems with hotlines are: 1. The Rabbanim are not always super-knowledgeable or super-capable of issuing piskei halacha. 2. It is often very difficult or impossible to give over all the pertinent details. This is particularly true when dealing with a question that involves more psychological insight and less technical knowledge of the Shulchan Aruch per se’. In some cases, it actually can be easier to give over the needed information in writing (like here) to a “friend”.

I would like to qualify the above by saying that I have had some wonderful experiences with hotlines (usually with Shmiras Haloshon ones), but I have also had some very bad ones. I had no way of knowing whom LB would turn to or what her experience would be like. Since I did feel that I knew the answer, it was better for me to give it to her than to tell her to go elsewhere without having any way to know that.

The most important reason why I wrote what I wrote is something else though. Based on my knowledge of psychology (attained through a lot of life experience as well as Torah and knowledge of hilchos LH), I felt that it was crucial for LB to know that there is no question that she did the right thing and she should know that she should not hesitate to do so again.

I had a Rav once who quoted a certain Gadol as saying that sometimes people are too careful about hilchos LH and do not speak when they should. This was a case in which LB was supposed to speak based what she wrote. The possible damage when not speaking can be greater in some cases. The possible damage in thinking that she can never speak without calling a Rav first is also greater.

We can not and should not feel like we have to ask a sheilah each time we open our mouths or take a step. We can not and should not feel like we have to ask a sheilah to verify if we have to do teshuva for each word we spoke or each step we took. This is something that I know and have learned from my Rebbeim (and it should be self-evident in any case). When a person is emotionally upset about something, he has an obligation to discuss it with someone if it will make him feel better or if the person can help him understand the person being spoken about better. When a person does so, it is not healthy for him to second-guess himself each time and be concerned that he was oiver on hilchos L”H.

From what I know about LB, it would not have been psychologically unhealthy for her to feel that she has to ask a sheilah each time she speaks to find out if she needs to teshuva. My words to her were based more on psychology than technical halacha. Perhaps some people would have started out the discussion by saying that it wasn’t a halachic “psak” but a psychological “psak”. I was hesitant to do so since everything is included in halacha and there is no such thing as a decision that is not based on halacha. Also, the psychological aspect involved is in fact covered by the halachos, and I felt it was important for LB to be aware of this.