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NeutiquamErro: I know a psychologist who is terrible at spelling.
Health, stop quoting the Halachapedia! Not only is it not l’maaseh, it’s not even a source!!!!!
The Mishna Berurah is l’maaseh!! Ask any Rav – I have asked several. Check out Rav Bodner’s and Rav Forst’s sefarim where they quote the Mishna Berurah’s opinion on this.
Furthermore, even the Halachapedia doesn’t say anywhere that they usually are equal in shlaimus and chavivus.
Have you done a survey to determine that most people have no taste preferences?? That’s a really strange statement to make aside from being irrelevant.
Health, you keep saying ridiculous things that make no sense. You haven’t learned the inyan, yet you keep trying to “prove” that I am wrong. Do you realize that there is something strange about that?
Sparkly – actually, I don’t think it’s necessarily insulting to suggest that s.o. go to a therapist. It depends how it’s done. If you say that you think that everyone in the world should go to a therapist, there’s nothing insulting about that.
Not everyone thinks there’s something insulting about seeing a therapist. Some people think that it’s a very positive thing to do, and something that everyone should do. Some people think it’s a sign of being a healthy person. More and more people today feel this way.
btw, just for the record, I put a ticket in OORAH’s auction for a therapist even before I knew they weren’t announcing that winner.
Syag l’chachma: let me present it to you this way: What if I had said that I prefer wearing colored clothing to wearing black clothing and that I think it’s a bad idea for someone to only wear black clothes every day? Would you have found that offensive?
And I’m just wondering if you think about it, if you can see why, as an older single with grey hair, I might have been slightly bothered by all of your comments about older singles with grey hair? It wasn’t the biggest deal (just slightly upsetting), but it is hard for me to understand why you took offense at my comment that I prefer to dye my hair, yet don’t understand why I may have been a bit hurt by your comments. It’s not the biggest deal, but I would appreciate it if you would try to see where I was coming from. Thank you!
From all the people here (besides myself because I know myself), I would guess that Sadgirlygirl is the most likely to be what she says she is.
But it’s true that precautions are always in order. It would be very easy for a predator to come online and claim to be someone he is not in order to worm his way into someone’s life… so I think that giving out emails is not a good idea, just in case…
Syag L’chachma – I just want to point out that I do think that it’s nice that you are so sensitive that you were concerned about how others in the same situation as me might feel upon reading my post (even though I don’t understand your concern) which is why I was surprised at your lack of sensitivity in this thread towards Sparkly.
Syag lchochma – I actually feel that way about your posts today. I think that the post here was insulting to Sparkly, and I have the impression that she was hurt by it. You can ask her if you want.
I already explained that there was nothing offensive about my other post. I guess I had been expecting an apology from you once you read my explanation, so I was hurt when you didn’t apologize and that’s why I mentioned it here, although perhaps it was out of place to bring it up here. In any case, I understand now that the reason you didn’t apologize was because you didn’t understand my comments and still think that my comments were insulting (and t/f it’s not possible for you to realize that your comments were quite insulting to me!) When I have a chance, I will try to explain myself again, but m/w I would appreciate if you would reread what I wrote in the other thread and maybe you will understand. Thank you! I do forgive you now for not apologizing to me for what you wrote in that thread because I see that you really just did not understand what I wrote!
What if I prefer to call myself a girl? Does that mean that I am excluded? If so, I am tempted to sue for discrimination! I think that we singles are discriminated against far too often!
Sparkly – have you given therapy a try? I’m not saying it’s always the answer, but it might be worth trying. You have to choose a therapist wisely though. A friend of mine has tried many therapists, and she claims it’s really hard to find a good one, but she says when you do find one, she thinks it’s a worthwhile thing for everyone in the world to do.
Sparkly – and not having friends & a good support system or money are much worse. So are depression and anxiety and not being happy with oneself. Also, not finding meaning in one’s life.
In any case, I am an older single and, Boruch Hashem, I am very happy (at least most of the time), and I feel that I have a lot to thank Hashem for and that being single is not the end of the world.
Also having a bad marriage or being divorced are worse! I have heard a lot of horror stories lately!
Syag L’chochma, it seems to me that might be a bit insulting to Sparkly…and coming from s.o who was insulted when I expressed my opinion on dying my hair..
I second Meno’s post. (both parts!) The davening part is especially impressive -many find it hard to daven when they are depressed!
Meno: lol.
Sparkly: I was referring to your saying “Meno – i shouldve added im sorry if YOU FEEL that way”.
My response was, “It’s not a feeling, it’s a halacha.” In other words, he doesn’t FEEL that way, since it’s not about feelings; he was telling you what the halacha says.
Joseph: “Opposites attract.”
Often, but not always. Often people marry people who are similar to them.
It is time for Truth – I know it’s a machlokes, but the fact is that there is an opinion that way and I don’t think there is a psak on it, so I think we should take it pretty seriously!!!
I also suspect that many/most people who aren’t shomer negiah end up being over on things that are definitely yaihareig v’al yaavor.
Thanks for supporting me on Yaihareig v’al yaavor being worse than chilul Shabbos. I wasn’t 100% sure of it – not enough to argue back – it just made sense to me.
And I did hear a certain Gadol (I forgot who) quoted as saying that tznius is more important than Shabbos
Sparkly – did you say what?
Sparkly – I don’t get why you passed on the question to the Coffee Room regarding what you should have her do then? If we don’t know what she did to you, how can we know how she should undo it? Or did you explain this and I missed it?
Health -1. It was about the Mishna Brurah.
2. DY quotes the Mishna Berura out of context. I explained that earlier. I would explain it again, but I don’t see the point if you are not interested in hearing. I am getting tired of repeating myself.
3. Even the Mishna Brura that he quotes does not say that in most situations we say Haetz.
4. If you learn the entire Siman in the Shulchan Aruch and Mishna Berurah and Biur Halacha, preferably the proper way by starting with the Gemara and Rishonim, you would understand what the Mishna Brurah says.
5. I wouldn’t mind explaining it to you, but I really don’t have the impression that you have any interest in listening.
6. You have proved my point that people who don’t have the proper background should not learn Mishna Brurah since they will misunderstand it. This has nothing to do with being male or female – it has to do with background.
7. You are the one who owes me an apology. You started up with me, insisting that I don’t know what I am talking about and am teaching halacha incorrectly, and you have not been able to prove me wrong, yet you keep attacking me.
Thanks Meno. Do you happen to have a source off-hand? It might be helpful. I think there’s a teshuva in Igros Moshe, but I don’t have it here.
I think I agree with Sparkly that teaching the kid who is bullied to become a bully is a bad idea. There are better ways. I can’t remember everything this psychologist said, but I know that she had a lot of good ideas.
One thing that would help a lot is to raise awareness amongst teachers and parents so that they pay attention and notice bullying and try to do something about it, instead of just thinking “oh, that’s what kids are like.”
Also, there are things to teach your kids to do if they are being bullied. I heard a school psychologist speak about it once. I don’t remember everything but I think that one thing is to not let the bully think that he hurt you.
I read a great story about a boy who was bullied over 80 years ago. He was much younger than the other boys in his Yeshiva, so they made fun of him. They would put a stuffed animal in his bed at night to make fun of him for being so young. They would come back the next day expecting to see that he had thrown the stuffed animal on the floor in anger, but they would always find the stuffed animal in the made bed exactly where they had left it. They were spooked out – they thought he must be a malach who doesn’t sleep! They were so spooked out they stopped bullying him.
It turned out that he did go to sleep, but when he woke up, he would put the stuffed animal back so it looked like he hadn’t slept. This way, he showed them that they couldn’t affect him. The boy’s name was Aharon Leib Shteinman!
The moral of the story is that if you act like you are not affected by what the bully does, he will stop.
Also, I don’t think that an NCSY -type of program is what Thinking Out Loud is talking about at all. I think he is talking about something that does not involve Kiruv – for people who couldn’t handle kiruv and would be going to Footsteps. I think he is talking about a kind of Frum alternative to Footsteps (although that sounds funny if Footsteps is really as bad as everyone is describing it!). I think the point is that the kind of people who are turning to Footsteps should be able to find what they are looking for in the Frum world so they won’t feel a need to turn to Footsteps.
I’m not saying that I agree (I don’t disagree either, just not sure if I know enough to have an opinion, so I don’t want this taken as a haskama) but I think that is what he/she meant. Am I correct, Thinking out loud?
Sparkly – I’m sorry if I was too harsh since you seem not to realize what I was upset about. I thought it was obvious, but I guess it wasn’t so I apologize.
Sparkly, then you should ask her to undo what she did, but you can’t tell her to do something random that has nothing to do with what she did. That’s what it sounded like you meant, but perhaps I misunderstood.
Person1 – therapy is often based on changing the way you think about things.
Sparkly, it’s not a feeling – it’s the Halacha, and feelings don’t change the halacha.
Sparkly: “lilmod ulelamaid – no”
And here I was trying to be dan l’kaf zchus that you forgot what you said, but you’re telling me straight out that you didn’t!! So you do owe me an apology then!
Sparkly – who said that you are an older single?? And who said anything about someone not getting married because they have white hair?
And being an older single is not the worst thing in the world by the way!
Depression is an emotion, and Chovos Halevavos can speak to a person’s emotions. I also think that logic can affect one’s emotions. I’m not speaking of clinical depression, but it may be true for clinical depression as well. We don’t know so much about what things cause what things. People earlier posted that depression is a chemical imbalance. Aside from the fact that that is not true in all cases, we don’t know what causes the chemical imbalance. It is possible that one’s emotions and/or thoughts can affect their chemical imbalances. Science doesn’t know enough yet about these things. Someone had compared it to Cancer. There are theories that Cancer can be caused/cured by emotions. Chemical balances can certainly be affected by one’s emotions as well as by ones habits (exercise, eating, sleeping, etc.)
Of course, someone who is suffering from depression has to make sure that they look into more than avenue of cure. And if they need therapy and/or medication, they should make sure to get it. But it doesn’t hurt to try other things either first or simultaneously. And there are all types and levels of depression. Sometimes, a person does just need to change the way he thinks. That’s what some therapies are all about.
Sparkly: “Meno- so your saying that by sometimes wearing shorter skirts im sending people to gehinom? i dont think so…”
Uh, Sparkly, hate to break it to you, I guess this is something you haven’t learned yet, but you are actually… When you cause people to do aveiros, you are sending them to gehenom. That’s the reason why people get so upset about girls dressing untzniusly! If it didn’t affect anyone else, people wouldn’t shrei about it so much since it would just be a personal decision.
btw, RebYidd23 and Abba_S: I didn’t mean to imply that you were being judgmental. I just meant that I felt like I had to defend my decision.
Syag Lchochma, I am really sorry if I made you feel bad. I totally did not mean to make anyone feel bad, and I had no idea that anyone would.
Here’s where I was coming from: As an older single with grey hair, I felt that RebYidd23 and Abba_S were being judgmental of me for dyeing my hair and of Sparkly for considering dying her hair. I dye my hair because I think that it is the right thing to do, because I don’t like the way my hair looks when it’s gray and it looks much much nicer when I dye it to its natural color. I think that Sparkly is right for wanting to dye her hair and that no one should be scaring her by telling her that it causes cancer. If it’s important to her to look pretty (as it should be), she should not worry about getting cancer, and neither should I. You can’t live your life like that!
That was my only point, and I hope you are not offended.
I did not understand your last sentence: ” And if GD FORBID the person is grey because she is an older single than I believe you have some serious agmos nefesh on your hands.”
Which person are you referring to? The only people I was referring to were myself and Sparkly.
Sparkly – Chovos Halevavos isn’t written that way, it’s not preachy, it just makes you feel good about yourself and that Hashem cares about you.
Coffee Addict, I think she meant that for Subtitle but I’m not sure. I was wondering about that myself.
Sparkly, is that what happened? Did you really just forget what you had said?
Sparkly, three days ago when it was my turn to start, you told me that I couldn’t start even though it was really my turn because you didn’t want the same person to start twice. Then last night, you again told me that I couldn’t start even though it was my turn because I had already had a turn. But then right afterwards, you decided that you are starting even though you also already had a turn!
I thought it was rude in the first place when you insisted that I shouldn’t start, but I let it pass. Then you did the same thing last night, and I again let it pass. But then for you to immediately decide that you are starting after you just told me that I couldn’t start was really rude! Did you forgot that you had just told me that I couldn’t start?
Okay, everyone, it’s my turn to start since I got the last one (before the Grim Reaper which no one got). I am thinking of something. Who has a question?
I was nice and gave in to you Sparkly when you decided that I can’t start even though it was my turn, but I see no reason to give in to you anymore, so I am starting as I was supposed to. You do not have to play.
Sparkly – you’re missing the point. It’s not the game that’s important. I said what I said for your sake. I feel very badly for you if you can’t see why your actions were controlling. I hope for your sake that you will be able to figure it out.
This last post was also controlling. You seem to think that you are in charge.
Basically, you were trying to pretend that the Mishna Berurah says that the usual case is that Haetz comes first when he says nothing of the sort!! But of course, since you never saw the Mishna Brurah, you wouldn’t know that!
Technically, a single girl with grey hair doesn’t have to dye her hair, but that would be a really bad idea, imho.
Sparkly, I think he was being sarcastic, although I didn’t quite get the joke either.
karlbenmarx – heter for what?
First you tell me I can’t start, and then you’re like, “ok, I decided that I’m starting!” That’s really rude!!! If you decided that you wanted to start a new game already and you changed your mind about the rule YOU made up that the same person can’t start twice, you should have let me know that I could start!
Sparkly – it was not a long time – we just had to wait until Tisha B’Av ended. You started shortly after Tisha B’Av ended! I would have started right after Tisha B’Av ended, but you specifically said that you don’t want someone going who went already!! And then you just went ahead and decided that you are in charge and started! You are acting extremely controlling!
Thinking Out Loud: That was beautifully worded! It is wonderful that you are so concerned for our brothers and sisters. I hope you find a way to accomplish your goals.
Sparkly – I think you will like this. I heard a story about a college professor whose student came to speak to him. The student told him that he is very depressed. The professor gave him a copy of Chovos Halevavos (Duties of the Heart), Shaar Habitachon (Gate of Trust) and suggested he read it. He made sure to add that this wasn’t necessarily meant to take the place of therapy. The student read it and made a full recovery.
Basically, it helps you realize how much Hashem loves you and how important you are. I think the root of depression is often a lack of a realization of one’s own importance.
Sparkly – I realize that. That’s what upsets me so much when I see people dressed untzniusly. Often, they are davka really sweet, really nice girls and they have no idea that they are doing something cruel. Often they are the kind of people who are davka very into bein adam l’chaveiro and doing chesed and would never willingly do something to hurt another person. That is why it bothers me so much. I’m sure that if they realized what they are doing, they would not do it, so I think it so sad that they don’t realize!
If they were cruel people, it wouldn’t bother me as much – I would just say that they are reshayim and there is nothing to do about it. What bothers me is that they are nice people who would not be doing this if they realized what they are doing!
MA, it’s not corrupt for them not to post someone’s posts. I’m sure they have a reason, but as Shopping pointed out, they can’t explain each time. The bottom line is that THEY and only THEY have the right and the responsibility to decide what to post, and it has zilch to do with deceit and corruption. It is their forum, and they can decide to post or not post whatever they want!
Also, the fact that you see nothing wrong with your posts does not mean that there is nothing wrong with them. I have seen so many posts that went through that were problematic although apparently the people writing them did not realize. So apparently, there are members who write posts that they think are fine but really aren’t. Often people don’t realize that something they are writing can be offensive to someone else. This happens in real-life all the time, but is much more common online. That is why we need moderators to decide what should be deleted.
29- 🙁 I’m sorry to hear that! It was nice of you to post those posts considering they were so insulting to you!
I once heard a quote (I think in the name of some great Rav, but I can’t remember who), I can’t remember the exact quote, but it was something along the lines of “A leader who has no enemies is not a leader.”
If a leader has no enemies, it shows that he must be giving into everyone all the time, and that would make him a follower, not a leader. A true leader has to be able to be strong enough to act against the tide and do things that are not popular!
I am happy to hear that there are people who are upset that their posts were not posted! Although I’m sure it’s hard for you. You have a great schar awaiting you!