Lilmod Ulelamaid

Sparkly: “can you say hi to a guy that your family friends with at college?”

1. Who are you asking?

2. I thought you hang out with guys?

3. Ask your Rabbi.

bigben2: “So according to this “realization of your relationship with Hashem”, would you say that you receive reward/punishment relative to each individual mitzvah/aveirah, or is there a specific point on the scale which is your relationship with Hashem (mitzvos push you up the scale, aveiros push you down), and their is no “itemized” accounting?’

You get rewarded for each Mitzvah and punished for each aveira, regardless of how good or bad you are over all. Hashem is not “mevater” on any Mitzvah or aveirah. By Reshaim, Hashem often rewards them in this world for their Mitzvos because every Mitzvah must be rewarded, and this way He won’t “have to (kaviyahol)” reward them in Olam Haba. By Tzadikim, Hashem often punishes them in this world, so that they won’t have to go to gehenom.

Every little bad thing that happens to you can act as a kapara for your aveiros so that you won’t have to get gehinom. It is brought down that even if you reach into your pocket for one type of coin and bring out a different type of coin, the little bit of suffering that you feel can be a kapara for your aveiros.

Also, before you get too nervous about gehinom, remember that you can do teshuva for EVERYTHIING!!! (even letting your knees and elbows show, happygirlygirl)

Joseph: “Zogt, in Rav Shlomo Zalman’s letter replying to the Tzitz Eliezer, RSZA says there’s reason to be meikel on this inyan today due to the conditions in the street today, with so many women in public unlike in the past, that it is often difficult to avoid the situation. But Rav Shlomo Zalman is clear it is a b’dieved, not a l’chatchila like some posters here are posturing.”

According to the way Rav Frand quotes him, it sounds like in a situation where it would be considered rude for the guy to go first (like on a date, or if she is an Eishes Chaveir), the guy should let the girl go first.

I’m not sure what you mean by b’dieved. Technically, b’dieved means “after the fact” which is not really relevant here. I assume that you mean that it is something one should only do in certain circumstances – when there are other issues involved such as granting respect to an Eishes Chaveir, or being polite to your date. That is the only type of circumstance that anyone was discussing here. I am not sure what the halacha is when that is not the case, since it was not 100% clear to me from Rav Frand’s shiur, but we were not discussing any other situation.

Also, you seem to be implying that Rav Shlomo Zalman is just saying that today there is no choice because there are so many women on the street. According to the way that Rabbi Frand quoted him, the point was that because there are so many women on the street, the inyan does not apply (or does not apply as much -I’m not sure which), because men are used to seeing women on the street.

Sparkly – yes, that was funny! You can start. I’m not sure if I will going on to the Coffee Room anymore anyhow – I don’t really appreciate being insulted and criticized out of nowhere all the time.

Gehinom is realizing the damage caused by your aveiros (in terms of your neshama’s kesher to Hashem as well as the damage caused to all of the oilamos through your aveiros).

Gan Eden is realizing the greatness of what you accomplished with your Mitzvos and the Light and Ruchnius that was brought to the world through your Mitzvos.

Of course, in this world we have no idea what that means and it doesn’t mean what we think it means, because we have no way of conceiving of it.

One important thing to realize though is that even though we want to try to avoid going to gehenom, if chas veshalom, lo aleinu, anyone has to go, gehenom is also for his good. Everything Hashem does to us is for our good, even gehenom, since it is for the purpose of cleansing our Neshamos so they can go to Gan Eden and have a kesher with Hashem.

I can’t say for sure, but I don’t think I would mind if my chosson didn’t buy me a diamond ring. I think it might actually bother me if he did, because I’d be terrified of losing it. Also, I don’t like rings – I don’t even wear watches, because it bothers me to have things on me.

I would want my chosson to give me some kind of jewelry though, but it doesn’t have to be terribly expensive.

CA: “Sparkly,

You don’t understand men (especially if he says “ladies first”)’

Huh? I didn’t get that. Please explain.

Happygirlygirl: According to Chovos Halevavos, Hashem loves all of us (regardless of how “good” or “bad” we are), and everything He does to/for you is because He loves you!! He is your biggest fan (and you have a lot of them!) and He is rooting for you and gets nachas from every teeny bit of effort on your part and every little Mitzvah you do!!!

I just posted this on another thread, but I am posting it here as well because it is relevant to this thread:

Everyone who wants to grow should read this often. It is a letter that Rav Hutner Zatsal wrote to a student of his who was struggling. The english translation below was published in the Jewish Observer in Dec. of 1980 or 1981. It may have been translated by a Rav Kirzner, but I’m not sure.

Everyone is awed at the purity of speech of the Chofetz Chaim, considering it a miraculous phenomenon. But who knows of the battles, struggles and obstacles, the slumps and regressions that the Chofetz Chaim encountered in his war with the yetzer hara (evil inclination)? There are many such examples, to which a discerning individual such as yourself can certainly apply the rule.

The result of this failing is that when an ambitious young man of spirit and enthusiasm meets obstacles, falls and slumps, he imagines himself as unworthy of being “planted in the house of Hashem.” According to this young man’s fancy, flourishing in the house of Hashem means to repose with calm spirit on “lush meadows” beside “tranquil waters” [Tehillim 23] delighting in the yetzer hatov, in the manner of the righteous delighting in the reflection of the Shechinah, with crowns on their heads, gathered in Gan Eden. And at the same time, untroubled by the agitation of the yetzer hara, along the lines of the verse “Free among the dead” [Tehillim 88:6].

Know, however, my dear friend, that your soul is rooted not in the TRANQUILITY of the yetzer tov, but rather in the BATTLE of the yetzer tov. And your precious, warm-hearted letter “testifies as one hundred witnesses” that you are a worthy warrior in the battalion of the yetzer tov. The English expression, “Lose a battle and win a war” applies. Certainly, you have stumbled and will stumble again (a self-fulfilling prophecy is not intended) and in many battles you will fall lame. I promise you, though, that after those losing campaigns you will emerge from the war with laurels of victory upon your head and with the fresh prey quivering between your teeth. Lose battles but win wars.

The wisest of all men has said, “A just man falls seven times and rises again” [Mishlei 24:16]. Fools believe the intent of this verse is to teach us something remarkable – the just man has fallen seven times and yet he rises. But the knowledgeable are aware that the essence of the tzaddik’s rising again is by way of his seven falls. ” ‘And He saw all that He had made and behold, it was very good.’ ‘Good’: that is the yetzer tov. ‘Very good’: that is the yetzer hara” [Bereishis Rabbah 91.

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My cherished one, I clasp you to my heart, and whisper in your ear that had your letter reported on your mitzvos and good deeds, I would have said that I had received a good letter from you. As things stand, with your letter telling of slumps and falls and obstacles, I say that I have received a very good letter from you. Your spirit is storming as it aspires to greatness. I beg of you, do not portray for yourself great men as being as one with their yetzer tov. Picture rather their greatness in terms of an awesome war with every base and low inclination.

“Brainwashed – how Universities indoctrinate America’s Youth” by Ben Shapiro. It can be found on Amazon.com

I never read it, but I read about it, and it sounds fascinating and it sounds like it MIGHT be an important book for anyone attending college to read.

Meno & Yekke2: Thank you so, so much!!!! You don’t know how much I appreciate the validation. It is not something I have been getting very much of in the CR. It is quite frustrating when I speak up about something because I feel I have a chiyuv to even though it is extremely difficult for me, because it is really not my type at all to say anything resembling criticism to anybody, but when it is a question of Loshon Hora or a bizayon to the Gedolim or kefira, I have to speak up even though it is REALLY hard for me, and it is really upsetting when I get knocked for it.

So I really appreciate your validation!! Thank you!!!

And Yekke2 – I’m glad you felt it wasn’t too critical because I was worried that I may have come across too harsh.

Avi K. – true. Even then, I have always felt that it is important that people differentiate between black and white halachos that are assur because the Shulchan Aruch says so and between things that are assur because of Minhag Hamakom, and might be muttar is certain times and/or places. For example, it has always bothered me that some people don’t realize that according to straight halacha, girls are not required to wear socks. If you are part of a community in which it is the norm, it probably is assur to not wear socks. And even if you aren’t, it is possible that many Gedolim feel very strongly that “all bnos Yisrael wear socks” (quote from Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach Zatsal when he was asked by the head of an MO seminary if the girls were required to wear socks), but it still seems to me that it is important to differentiate between not wearing socks and not covering your knees, and even if you are makpid to wear socks, you shouldn’t feel that someone who doesn’t is not-Frum.

Sparkly – how far back is what?

Sparkly – sounds great! But I do think that everyone needs a mentor before marriage as well as a mentor when they are starting married life (other than their husband).

The reason I was looking for this thread was that I wanted to relay the following incident that happened on Shabbos. I had to go somewhere with my friend and her husband. On the way back, my friend’s husband, who is a tremendous Talmid Chacham and a tremendous Baal Middos, opened the door for us, but stood back so that he wasn’t behind us. So it is possible to do both!

I didn’t say you did, but since you mention it, I do think that all people need mentors. So if you are a person, I think you need a mentor.

Sparkly – have you asked her?

Is it Meno?

Sparkly – 🙂