Lilmod Ulelamaid

Nechomah – I was actually thinking of Neve. There are other options as well, such as Shearim or Midreshet Rachayl.

DY: 🙂

Go to EY to learn

Zev7: I have always felt that one of the best safeguards for all areas of Yiddishkeit is being in Chinuch. You know that people are looking up to you; this helps you be what you should be.

CA: “Lilmod, I agree 100%!” 🙂

“The issur is lo sasooroo which is a lab, which aren’t women michuyav on general lavim”

I have also heard that the concept of “Ika derech achrita” (not sure if I wrote that correctly) applies to women as well. In other words, if you have a choice, you are not allowed to go somewhere where there is pritzus. I heard the head of a seminary quote this when explaining to his students why they should avoid secular colleges and go to Jewish ones instead (these were girls from MO backgrounds, so college was a given.)

Shopping613: “I think the main idea is don’t go to a place full of pritzus if it is totally unessesary. Unless there is a certain store, person, or thing there, or its very close for you, there’s no reason to see extra things we dont need to.”

True, but it’s more than that too. Even if the store is very close to you, but there is one that has less pritzus and you can get there, it may be worth making the extra effort. Also, you can be careful about internet use (try to limit it, get strong filters, be careful what sites you go on to, etc.) Also, being careful about what you read. If you watch movies/tv, be careful what you watch, or try to stop watching or watch less.

GAW – “Lucky for you, Shmiras Einayim is mostly a male concept.”

There is a common misconception that shmiras einayim doesn’t apply to women. Not only does it apply to women as well, I have heard both Rav Shimshon Pincus zatsal & Rav Matisyahu Salomon shlita, yibadel l’chaim quoted as saying that it is more important for women than for men since the woman is the mainstay of the home, and whatever she is exposed to affects the entire home.

Obviously, there is a certain aspect that is only applicable to men, but the concept of trying to be Kadosh and stay away from tumah is something that applies to women too, and possibly even more to women than to men.

And in today’s society unfortunately, we are bombarded with tumah all over the place.

One of my favorite quotes: I heard Rav Matisyahu, Shlita, quoted as saying that taking a girl on a date to Manhattan is like checking a lulav in the bathroom.

(this quote was not necessarily brought as a r’aaya to my above point since he might have been referring to the effect on the boy & not the girl. I just brought it here, because I like the quote and it is relevant to the general discussion. It also shows how kadosh girls are).

Joseph: “To the CR, of course.”

lol, I was thinking of saying the same. I assume it was meant as a joke, but it’s still true.

“And you?”

1. I try to be a role model to everyone I come into contact with, although I don’t always succeed.

2. My friends’ kids, especially the ones whom I go to for Shabbos.

3. My students.

Joseph – are you in kollel?

I was wondering about the same thing.

Joseph, who are YOU a role model to?

Sparkly, even though I’m still not sure what you are asking me, I’ll tell you what I think the answer is to any of the possible questions you have been raising (being an NCSYer or an NCSY advisor or starting your own kiruv organization).

The question you should be asking yourself before making any of these decisions is: Will it be good for my own Yiddishkeit or not? I remember when I was in Seminary and I was trying to decide whether or not to get involved in a particular kiruv organization. I asked one of my teachers who responded “Everyone is busy trying to be m’karev the world and they forget to be m’karev themselves, and that must come first.”

It is really special that you want to be m’karev others, but it can’t be at the expense of your own “kiruv”. You will help the world the most through doing your own growth. If NCSY or another kiruv effort will pull you down, you have lost more than you have gained.

On the other hand, it is possible that being involved in kiruv will be GOOD for your own spiritual growth. It can also work that way. I had a friend when I was young whose parents sent her to NCSY so that she would become Frum (since they were becoming Frum). Once she was Frum, they no longer wanted her to be involved in NCSY since they thought (very correctly) that she was there for the wrong reasons (to hang out with boys).

She ended up going to a secular College and she was no longer involved with NCSY at that point, and she ended up marrying a goy. Boruch Hashem, they eventually got divorced and she is now married to someone Frum. It is POSSIBLE that this wouldn’t have happened if she had been involved in NCSY and had Frum boys to hang out with instead of goyim. I have no idea, and I have no idea if that would have been a better alternative. I am just saying it is a possibility.

My point is that it might be good for you or it might be bad for you to be part of NCSY whether as an advisor or as an NCSYer. I have no way of knowing (especially since I don’t know much about NCSY). But that is THE question you should be asking yourself. You must ask yourself this question both before you make the decision, and if you decide yes, you must constantly be reevaluating, since this is something that can change.

LF: Amen! Thanks!

Slowgoing: I heard a story (not sure if I’m giving it over exactly right) about a couple who had some argument involving priorities of kibbud av v’eim vs.the wife listening to her husband (I don’t remember the details – if it had to do with the wife doing something for her parents, or the husband doing something for his parents). In any case, they went to the Rav and presented it as a technical halachic sheilah. He answered the question with the technical halachic answer and then told them that if they are asking such a question, they clearly need marriage therapy.

My point is the same one I made above. The technical halachos should guide us, but at the end of the day, we are talking about relationships, and these situations must be dealt with accordingly.

The Torah says it’s a very good thing to be jealous of the positive qualities of others. It’s only a problem if you want to have it instead of them. But if it’s in addition, it’s a very good thing.

Sparkly: there’s something called “kinas sofrim”. That means that you admire someone else’s positive qualities and want to copy them. That is what happened here, in short. It was only because I saw that my friend had these qualities that I realized they were important to me and things that I could bring out in myself.

Iacisrmma: In order for Loshon Hora to be considered l’toeles halachically, there are many conditions. Those conditions are not fulfilled here.

Golfer, to be “dan l’kaf zchus”, I think Person1’s point may have been that once you are involved in an argument (chas v’shalom), the best way to resolve it might not be for the husband to start pointing out all of the halachos to his wife and holding them over her head.

Both of your points are valid and important to keep in mind. On the one hand, the Shulchan Aruch must guide all of our actions, but at the same time, when dealing with relationships, one must also keep in mind that the main issue is the relationship itself and the individuals involved, and not necessarily the “dinei mamanos” involved. Obviously, the Torah is our Guide in all respects and it Guides us in the Middos and sensitivity needed to deal with relationship issues as well.

DY, thanks for bringing those practical tips.