Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
So basically, this is the situation as I understand it. You asked for advice. Everyone here agrees that you should speak to a Rav. Everyone agreed that Rav Simcha Bunim Cohen is a reliable Rav and you should listen to what he says. Now, if I understand correctly, you have decided that instead of asking a sheilah, you are just going to do what you want to do and find someone who will help you to do it.
It’s a sheilah. I remember it being discussed once when there was a Jewish astronaut. I don’t remember the answer. I think that maybe they go according to E”Y time, but I’m not sure.
Did you try Rav SB Cohen again?
No, they had a good reason to get divorced. There are good reasons to get divorced. And she didn’t chime in. They asked her advice and she told them what they should do, the same way that you asked the Rav what to do and he told you that you should get divorced.
Have you tried Rav Simcha Bunim Cohen again?
If you really feel you are on the level for such a thing, you can choose not to apply for the job in the first place. But I don’t think that is usually the right approach for most people.
But if you are already applying for the job anyhow, then you should put in full hishtadlus which would include davening.
Basically, you have to decide if you are applying for the job or not. If you are, then you are, and you do full hishtadlus.
The Bostoner Rebbetzin was talking to people who were considering divorce and encouraging them to get divorced. Her own parents were divorced so she knew that it can be better for people to get divorced and that it can be better for the kids.
It’s not anti-halachic at all. According to halacha, you can and should get divorced in certain cases. That is why the Rav of the Beis Din told you that you should get divorced.
so does that mean we should be “dan l’kaf zchus”? I still think the Americans were very cruel to the Indians. When I reread Little House on the Prairie as an adult, I was very bothered by that.
Geordie thinks they fasted both days. I agree that it probably was not everyone who fasted both days (and that may be what Geordie meant as well – he was probably just explaining what the ones who did fast 2 days did). I don’t know how many did that – it may have just been a few people and that may explain why you didn’t know about it. Oh, I see you wrote “most people didn’t fast two days”, so we don’t disagree about that.
“My disagreement with Geordie13 is what day they davened and fasted for Yom Kippur.” Thanks for explaining, and thanks for explaining the technical details of the machlokes.
Is it possible that some people kept Y”K the first day and others kept it the second since there were 2 different opinions?
Actually, I think it was the Americans who were crooked.
Futuregirl- One important piece of advice that I mentioned recently on another seminary thread: You should apply to at least 2 or 3 seminaries since they can be hard to get into. Obviously, some are harder than others, but I think it’s always kidai to apply to at least two. Also, different schools have different criteria, so you may think it’s easy to get into a certain school, but it might be harder than you think.
Iacisrmma -I know the basic story, although I don’t remember the details. What I learned was that there was a machlokes regarding where the timeline is halachically. I don’t remember the different opinions, but I thought that one opinion is that the day starts in EY, but not everyone says that, so basically anyplace that is east of EY (such as Japan) is a machlokes (but again, I’m not sure about the details).
In any case, I had heard that when the Jews were in Japan, there were 2 different Gedolim who gave 2 different opinions. I guess one must have been the Chazon Ish (according to both you and Geordie) and one was Rav Tuckazinsky (according to Geordie).
So there were some people who weren’t sure what to do and they fasted on both days to be sure (since you can’t go wrong with that as long as you are healthy enough that it’s not pikuach nefesh, so you are safe according to both opinions). But it would probably be a problem halachically to say Yom Kippur davening both days, so it makes sense as Geordie said that they only davened Y”k davening one day. You can fast as a chumra, but you can’t say the wrong davening or refrain from putting on Tefillin.
“A lot of posters are awfully cranky about other people’s quirks and breaches of etiquette. The mitzvah of chesed should address most of the issues raised.”
Huju +1
ZD: “Shabbos basically lasts 48 hours somewhere on the globe, If you start Shabbos in New Zealand which is about 20 hours ahead of NY and end Shabbos in Hawaii which is 5 hours past NY the total time is about 48 hours”
ZD – that’s a good point and I thought about that as I was posting. I think that it probably doesn’t work that way and it would have to go according to one person’s Shabbos. That is the only way that any of this makes sense.
Granted, you can still ask a lot of questions on the whole concept. Like how do you decide whose Shabbos to go by? And how does time work in Gehinnom anyhow?
My guess is that we are talking about metaphysical concepts that we can’t really understand anyhow, and there may not be answers available to all these questions. Just like we don’t understand much about anything that happens in Olam Haemes…
“Geordie613: Based on the psak of the Chazon Ish it was the reverse and to only fast on one day.”
What do you mean by reverse- to do Y”K davening both days and only fast one day? That doesn’t sound like it makes sense to me..
I heard that there were 2 different Rabbanim (I don’t remember who) poskening 2 different ways. Some people weren’t sure who to follow, so they followed both.
Most of what Mommamia2 said fits what I know about Sharfman’s. I would just add 2 qualifications:
1. Even though it’s a very growth-oriented place,they give the girls a lot of freedom to make their own choices about things.
2. Even though it’s not as academic as Michlalah, I have known girls who were very bright who went there and were happy there.
However, the above information is based on what Sharfman’s was like over 20 years ago, so you would have to check if it’s still true. I do recall that the freedom thing was an essential part of the school’s philosophy. That is the reason that the girls lived in regular apartments as opposed to a dorm. They also had to make all of their own meals.
Lenny, it occurred to me that I may be able to get you information on good marriage therapists in Lakewood if you are interested. I know someone in Lakewood whom people often turn to for advice on getting divorced. I know that she is very in favor of therapy (she is divorced and remarried herself -that’s why people often call her for advice), so I would guess that she might know about therapists. I would still advice calling Rav SB Cohen and/or Relief about it, but if you don’t get through right away and I am able to find something out, I will let you know, bli neder.
“Still the only way to be “diabolically opposed” to something.”
why – is diabolically from the lashon of devil, or are you referring to something else?
LB – despite my semi-sarcastic tone, I don’t necessarily disagree. I don’t have a definite opinion myself, but I hear the ‘taina’.
“Wasn’t Scharfman’s a kosher ice cream shop on Queens Boulevard?”
She said “Sharfman’s”, not “Scharfman’s”.
Too bad. I like jokes.
“May I ask who is the therapist that you and your wife are scheduled to go to?”
It may not be such a good idea to give out that information on a public forum
“Yellow teeth is a big side effect from hot coffee.”
Use Colgate Whitening toothpaste. I get tons of compliments about my white teeth.
Attention: Colgate Company. I just gave you free advertising.
Boruch Hashem, you have the opportunity to make sure you get in your 100 brachos a day! dozens of shehakols, borei nefashoses and asher yatzar said throughout the day.
I come here to write… I love writing.
“As someone who used “amn’t” in a sentence”
I always used to say “amn’t” when I was younger, and my friends always corrected me and said that it’s aren’t. But I don’t get that – I think it’s incorrect to say “aren’t I”. You don’t say “I are”, so how could it be “I aren’t”?
On the other hand, you do say “I am” & “I am not”, so it should be “I amn’t”. And if it’s not, we should change it.
also, Futuregirl may not appreciate having her english corrected.
“When certain people insist on finishing shema out loud when the shaliach tzibbur has moved on to ve’emuna”
“Think that’s bad , what about when your(trying to) davening shmonei esrai & the guy is saying shma – OUT LOUD!”
I would be “dan l’kaf zchus” and assume they don’t realize. My mother told me recently that she had to wait until I finished bentching to bentch because I was bentching so loud. I had no idea I was bentching out loud.
Ice cream is better. So is chocolate.
“You are allowed to keep Shabbos until Tuesday night. They say the Amshinover Rav did/does that.”
MDG: “I never understood tht until I heard the following: Souls in Gehinom get a reprieve for Shabbat. Their reprieve lasts until the last shul says havdalah.”
Good point! I hadn’t thought of that. I heard a story of some Rav who always gave a shiur at Shalashudes time and he would make sure it lasted a while for that reason. When someone from the shiur was nifter, he said that it’s a good thing he participated in the shiur since he will get less gehinnom now.
I think it’s supposed to be a good idea to keep Shabbos as late as one can for that reason.
“Is your friend the Amshinover Rebbe?” Why should he be my friend?
“It says in the Torah, ‘Six days you shall work.’ So how can you keep Shabbos for more than one day?”
It doesn’t mean that you have to work – it means that you can work.
That being said, this is not something that is recommended for most Yidden.
except that you are always wrong (so far at least)
“She is in our tefilos”
Ditto. Refuah Shelaima b’karov!
Freudian slip. Either that, or I was already thinking of the next word that I was going to write.
“So why do you say it was just a warning? Obviously it wasn’t!”
Even though there was damage to property, no one was killed, even though lives were in danger. That is called a warning. Hashem put our lives in danger but chose to save us from being killed and just damaged our property instead.
“She can’t be the Wicked Witch and the Devil.’
I think the devil is a xian concept, so it may be avoda zara. However, witches are mentioned in the Torah. (although it’s assur to be one).
In Japan during the War, there was a Machlokes about how the time zone works according to halacha. So there was a machlokes regarding when Yom Kippur was, so some people fasted 2 days in a row. I don’t know what they did about davening though.
You are allowed to keep Shabbos until Tuesday night. They say the Amshinover Rav did/does that. I doubt that you can daven Shabbos davening though. I never understood how it worked in terms of eating if you are not allowed to eat before havdala.
uh, LF – if you want to understand my post, read your last post. To reiterate, a joke is…. (why are you so doubtful about my intelligence lately, and why do you keep making these assumptions that I do not understand your posts?)
oh, thanks. I thought it was a new riddle. Either I don’t get it, or it’s not that funny. But thanks for satisfying my curiousity.
“Lilmod, how do you explain the super high divorce rate for second marriages?”
In at least some cases (and probably many), the person never worked on the issues that led to the first divorce. And this does not mean that the person was a bad person or even necessarily, the one “at fault” for the divorce.
I’ll explain what I mean. I am in shidduchim, and often divorced guys are suggested to me. Sometimes, while checking them out, I find out that they have been divorced twice. A very common pattern is that the guy was the sensitive type and his wife was too strong – both times. Seemingly, the wife is “at fault” for being too strong and not being sensitive enough.
I then ask the reference, “Don’t you think maybe the guy has a problem that needs worked out if he keeps getting into the same situation?” The response always is, “Of course, but it is very hard to tell someone that they need therapy if they don’t realize it themselves.”
I have had this exact same conversation several times when checking out divorced guys.
If someone goes through a divorce, they MUST go through some kind of therapy procedure. They can’t just say, “it was my husband (or wife’s) fault. It is never that simple. Each person is somehow a party to the situation – even if it was just a matter of “falling” for and marrying the wrong type of person (although I think there is usually more to it than that anyhow).
A relationship always involves two people. If you got into a certain situation once, it can and probably will repeat itself if you don’t try to figure out what happened, why it happened, and what you can do to try to avoid it next time.
Another important point that I think I should mention here – it seems to me that your approach regarding your situation is to try to figure out who is to blame. That is a very natural response, and the way that most people deal with most conflicts.
However, it is counter-productive and meaningless. The issue is not “who is to blame?” The question is, “Is there something that I can do differently?”
People don’t like to look at things that way, because they feel that it is an acknowledgement of guilt. But it is not. No one is perfect; we are all trying our best with the tools G-d gave us. If you think you are perfect, then that is a problem. Everyone can improve – not because they are bad, but because that is what life is about – constantly trying to see how we can be better.
If something is not working out (whether it’s your fault, her fault or both), you should be trying to see what you can do differently. Even if it is too late for this marriage (which may be the case), you have to figure this out so that things will be different next time.
If you do get divorced, it is crucial that you go for therapy afterwards. If you do get remarried, it is crucial that you go for therapy both beforehand and during the entirety of your second marriage. (to a reliable therapist, of course).
“Lenny, May I ask who is the therapist that you and your wife are scheduled to go to?”
I was considering asking the same question, but decided it would not be a wise idea. The purpose of asking such a question is so that we can tell him if we think it’s a good therapist or not. I don’t think that is something that should be done on a public forum. Additionally, there may be people answering the question for all the wrong reasons.
While you are allowed to ask such questions for “toeles”, there are many conditions needed. Asking a question like that in a public forum is almost definitely forbidden. Even just asking him for the name of the therapist is avak loshon hora since it is likely to lead to L”H.
Additionally, the people answering may not be qualified to do so. He should definitely check the therapist out, but not here (on a public forum). He should either call Relief or ask a reliable Rav who knows about these things. As soon as he gets in touch with Rav S.B. Cohen, he should definitely ask him (even if it’s too late to change the appt. at that point).
Additionally, there may be further L”H problems if after he sees the guy, he tells us things about him (if we already know his name).
Joseph: “Lenny, keep bugging Rav Cohen till you get a conversation with him. It’s well worth it. And that’s often what it takes to get hold of an important Rov like Rav Cohen. And my advice to you is to take his advice to heart and follow through with it. He is a highly recommended and strongly held of Rov.”
+1 (with slight reservations on the “bugging” depending how literally that is taken)
Not a bad idea. It’s funny – a friend of mine who is indirectly involved with seminaries (she works in a high school) just mentioned Sharfman’s to me on Shabbos when she was discussing the seminaries her students go to.
I hadn’t heard anyone mention Sharfman’s in years and I had forgotten all about it. It sounds somewhat similar to some of the schools you mentiond. She told me which schools it is the most similar to, but I forgot what she said. Maybe Midreshet Tehilla.
Other than that, I don’t have much to tell you. There is a lot of hashkafa, I’m not exactly sure where it falls on the academic scale, but definitely not intense, probably somewhere in the middle. I have a vague memory that there may be different levels, but I’m not sure.
It sounds like the girls are probably coming from similar backgrounds to you, but I can’t say for sure.
“RY23: http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/ding-dong-the-wicked-witch-is-dead”
There’s no reason given there.
I don’t know the quote (BH) but I heard that it’s treif.
“Also, I think there’s no basis for your assumption that a divorce will lead to four happy people instead of two unhappy ones.”
I was quoting the Bostoner Rebbetzin, zts”l. I didn’t mean it (and I don’t think she meant it) as an assumption. The point is that if you get divorced, it becomes a possibility. And I know of many cases in which the remarriages were successful and did lead to 4 happy people. (actually I know of one case in which a total of 3 divorces ultimately led to 6 happy people).
Statistics about the number of people whose second marriages ended in divorce are irrelevant, since there are many people whose second marriages are successful. The key is to examine the differences between those that were and those that weren’t so that you can make sure that you are in the second category. From the situations that I know of, it seems like whether or not the people involved go through therapy (after the divorce, before they get remarried and throughout their second marriage) makes a big difference.
In any case, despite that quote, I actually don’t think that one should get divorced assuming they will get remarried. But they are creating the possibility for there being 4 happy people instead of 2 unhappy ones.
“The Torah also disagrees with that being a general rule, as the Torah explicitly states a wife generally cannot get a divorce if she’s the only one wanting it.”
That’s not necessarily a proof. We don’t necessarily know the reasons for that halacha. One possibility is that women are more emotional and may be too quick to give a get without taking time to think it through, so the Torah couldn’t allow that. That has no relevance for a situation in which a lady has been wanting to get divorced for 20 years. Or even for several years. When I wrote that sentence about a “general rule”, I was not referring to a case in which a lady suddenly decided she wants to give a divorce on the spur of the moment. I was referring to a case such as Lenny’s since that is the situation at hand.
There can be many reasons that the Torah (Hashem) doesn’t think that a divorce should be something that a wife should have the power to force on her husband. But that doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t be doing it. The fact that the Torah doesn’t give someone the power to force something on someone else does not necessarily mean that Hashem doesn’t want them to do it.
Maybe the Torah feels that it is better if the husband comes to the decision on his own and doesn’t feel that it was forced on him by his wife. Maybe it is better for a marriage if a husband doesn’t feel that his wife has a right to divorce him at any moment and if she doesn’t feel like she can do that. The point is that there can be many possibilities, and it is far from being a proof.
“isn’t a bad thing” I think the issue was the way it’s phrased. He didn’t mean that it’s not a bad thing – it is a very bad thing – he meant that it’s an enjoyable thing. Those are two very different things.
Wasn’t there some misunderstanding between the Indians and the Americans (or whatever they were called at the time) regarding what they meant by selling?