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May Hashem comfort you along with the mourners of Zion

Sometimes the people “trying to help you out” are the judgmental people that you’re best off disengaging with, and it’s Elul so isn’t this the perfect time to check yourself and not others?

Just speaking up for Sparkly and in appreciation for her voice. She has something to say. I don’t know about you, but I rather listen to her message; it transcends through her choice of creative writing.

Thank you

If a Jewish pawn shop person labeled the history of the engagement rings with “DIVORCED,” “INFIDELITY,” “DECEASED: HAPPILY,” “DECEASED: ESTRANGED,” and “UNKNOWN,” why do I feel like some Jews, despite engagement rings not being a Jewish thing (but some people still give and wear them), would be hesitant to jump on the “DIVORCED” deal?

—Maybe it’s just me, but buying a used car or chandelier that once belonged to a couple no-longer together is a lot different than a item of jewelry given as a token of a union (even if it is only a secular custom).

Yay!!!! Just replaced my cell phone camera with a $6 generic from Amazon. Watched an instructional on YouTube to figure out how to swap it. Def a good cheap/inexpensive thing thank G-d 🙂

So the CR is a socialist production?

Do the moderators have a Best of CR exclusively for posts that never made it? Like the opposite of the Best of CL?

Are there any teachings that deter from inheriting an engagement or wedding ring from a family member who got divorced and/or had an unhappy marriage?

I read in chassidus it is not recommended to name someone after a relative that was killed or died young or tragically, because that energy would be transferred to the infant.

Would you want to start your marriage off with a ring that symbolized someone else’s broken union?

If not, and the ring was not re-used, maybe a jeweler can alter it or set the stone in a new ring to give it new mazal.

What do you think?

Am I the only one who thinks men should be able to eat healthy on their own?

I feel like some men are looking more for a mother than a wife.

Even when my neighbor goes out of town and her husband stays home, she gives me her fruits and vegetables because otherwise they’d grow rotten without her there to cut them up for him. He won’t eat vegetables if she doesn’t make them for him. They do not have children together.

I feel like men needing women to cook for them must grow exponentially more frustrating when having children. If the wife is not cooking for the family, then no one is eating healthy? The husband cannot prepare healthy meals?

Granted thank G-d we already have at least one opinion here validating that there are indeed men that cook and enjoy cooking for their families. Thank you for that!

lilmod ulelamaid: Are you still single? I don’t have a great reason to be asking, but I am curious.

Happygirlygirl: I’m 32.

Imamother.com has a ton of moms saying that they live by their crockpot. I cook everything in my steamer. It’s my wife.

~Thank you

lilmod ulelamaid: I’m technically on a lower level and do not want to be 100%. Dating someone more frum didn’t work out. I don’t know who is on my level; I am on a mixed derech.

Honestly the closest match is secular/nonfrum, but that is scary and feels too removed for me. Maybe I am just not frum and need to accept it. But there is always room for growth so I do not want to put a name to my Jewishness today.

Plus if there is this soulmate thing, and even if there was more than one person, doesn’t Hashem give us the person who we merit based on our merits? Can I build middos merits? Or does it only relate to Torah? Or davening to change a decry?

Do I need to daven for a changed soulmate if I have yet to know who that is? What if a rebbe told someone that this person was my soulmate, and then later said to move on and Hashem can change it? Do I need to daven for another person or is that a given?

~Thank you

What’s the point of having children if you’re outsourcing their family?

Do children not need their mother to develop healthy relationships with the people in school?

Do they not need to know that their mothers both enjoy their time together and yes do miss them when they are away but ultimately want them to become independent?

Does kicking them out to a school where their love is conditional and comes from strangers make you a better parent because you now at least have a way to say out-of-sight-out-of-mind, giving yourself a safe detached bubble?

Sorry if this sounds harsh. I do not have children and if someday I do, I pray that I will be emotionally available to handle being a parent. It sounds like you are looking for a way out of being there for your family.

IMHO perhaps talking about your feelings with a licensed therapist would make more sense than finding a reason that G-d forbid sounds like it is promoting abandonment and/or neglectful parenting.

Surely you are not asking for that and I assume that you love your sons more than anything, but simply are having difficulty burdening the loss of them when they return to school. When they are home, is their company filling another unmet need when they are not around? Maybe there is part of you that is seeking fulfillment during the remainder of the year. Helping yourself in this direction may give you the confidence to see that you can in fact withstand the separation anxiety each year.

You can do it and your boys need you.

Happygirlygirl: I went to a shiur last night about emotions and why we have them. The rabbi said that some days it’s our emotions that drive us and other days our actions.

For example, some days someone can really feel the actions and motions that come with Yiddishkeit. Those rituals and davening etc kindle the emotions of connecting to Hashem.

Other days someone is really feeling it and does the motions just because.

According to this rabbi, if someone is constantly not feeling emotions, then yes that is an issue that needs to be addressed. This also is true for interpersonal relationships, marriages, and so on in addition to our relationship with Hashem.

It sounds like you are not feeling it. When was the last time that you were into it?

Another thing that the rabbi said: It is okay to live with questions. Like why would Hashem ask this, and why should I do this? His opinion stated that we do some things anyway. To some individuals, maybe that feels like living a lie. It depends. Everyone has unique needs and a different perspective.

Seriously you are welcome here… no judgement, I am not one to judge nor advocate for pushing anything, other than personal growth and a healthy relationship.

Also… what about this whole 70 faces of Torah? How many faces do we see in our communities in real life?

ABS-SA: Does someone’s frumkeit/yiddishkeit ensure a better marriage than a nonfrum person?

What if someone finds a nonfrum Jew with great middos and chemistry?

I am so torn. The Lubvitcher Rebbe said that having mismatched Torah values is a relationship to avoid. Meanwhile Breslev says that one partner can bring up the other, sometimes at least. However not every partner appreciates that pressure to change, especially if he or she is not feeling it at heart.

Technically bashert sounds like what you make of it

Pair pressure, like studying with a partner?

Or peer pressure, from the community?

If it’s the latter… one good thing about peer pressure is that it reinforces hygiene practices such as teeth brushing and hand washing. Peer pressure also contributes to pluses like birthday presents.

At the same time, peer pressure can also deter individuality by shaming someone for being different —that’s a self-esteem taker, IMHO.

Thank you

Maybe it’s related to the number 8. Or the husband that the wife ate.

Sadgirlygirl: My LOR supports my mental health treatment, including medications. When it came to “complications for females,” my physicians are well-versed in managing treatments for the best interests of all parties.

There is nothing to fear, except for who? Ha Kodesh Baruch Hu. So take care of yourself; pikuach nefesh is your #1. Hashem will help you work out the details. Seek medical help. You can decide what is next based on what’s the healthiest option for your needs. Hashem gave doctors the power to heal. Never let anyone prevent you from #1. That’s Torah.

If it happens to be a T-term, is there a Canada aliya transfer station where we can chill without the T-word until Olam Haba or at least for the next four to eight years?

Quick what does the Megillah Esther say? There must be something about the T in there.

Sparkly You said: “i cant seem to forgive a girl like this. “

Do you want her as your friend? Is she a healthy friend for you?

It’s okay to not be friends with someone too.

Maybe it’s just me, but sometimes a grudgey feeling is a red flag warning me to stay away from this person. In the past I used to ignore these signs way too often, believing that enough heart energy could heal the world.

Lately focusing on maintaining healthy friendships, and distancing myself from as many toxic influences as possible has helped me shift to positive relationships.

…Just a thought

Thank you

Healthy boundaries so you aren’t triggered again by her and have space to figure out what feels right for you.

plus for me at least…

Yoga helps tons!!! Seriously these emotions are stored in klippot in the body. Especially in the hips. Working out the physical effects will release the feelings, and allow you to process them anew. At least that’s what happens with me.

Thank you

Thanks for the heads up Sparkly 🙂

http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/calling-everyone-you-disagree-with-a-troll-or-someone-else?replies=11#post-620126

Sadgirlygirl: It happens to me all the time

I wondered if it was because I posted citations and references, and in some cases I added links to the sources. Do they want me to plagiarize? Or should I just say that I heard such and such rabbi say? So as I wondered, I continued to post and some messages went through. I did not figure out the science, but I realized there is an ever acculturation to this forum business.

And the truth is, generally it [probably] is not personal [unless you and the mod go back to grade school when you refused to share the swing set every day after school and the mod promised to get back at you someday and lo and behold!].

If it is not personal, it could be that…

A mod is cleaning out a billion posts about Elmo and then yours comes up when they just sneezed and it’s iffy so whatever “delete” and they went to get a tissue.

Point is: You are not alone.

Empathy here: It is a bummer to spend all this time contributing only to have someone wipe it out. Who knows if this one will go through (please please please please bavakasha let it post for real and eternally with Hashem’s help).

It def feels good when your efforts flow without levers and such.

So yay, it’s all going to be okay, and even better.

Thank you 🙂

Anyone else want to second my petition to admit Trolling Paranoia Disorder (TPD) to the DSM-6?

For the record Sparkly, this is going to sound pathetic, but I was accused of being a troll on my very first CR post and I was really hurt by it. It took me a few days to regroup and try to see it from the perspective of the accuser, and feel sympathy for this person. Thank G-d I didn’t let it stop me from contributing to the CR.

Generally speaking:

Are we not supposed to judge each other favorably?

Isn’t the point here to address the validity of the arguments and expand our understanding, rather than rip down the person behind the perspective?

Thank you

So interesting because hair grows on the crown of the head, radiates outward, from the highest point of one’s physical being. I read a book by Rabbi Avika Tatz that explained that hairs draw the spirituality from within the body to the outside world.

So maybe the fact that many yeshiva bochurs are losing their hair is symbolic. Perhaps their knowledge is losing its grip within, and their spending more of their thinking beyond their own minds.

truthbetold: You asked, “Is it possible to hold on to the old now? You see in the chassidish world how they hold onto livush, old lifestyle etc.

“But is this what Hashem wants from us now?” (truthbetold).

Of course I need to start off by saying that I don’t think it is possible for anyone to certainly say what Hashem wants of us, as individuals and broader group.

At the same time, doesn’t it help us to have diversity? It’s weird because then some people may be born into living a lifestyle that they don’t feel comfortable living. Baal teshuvahs may be born living in a secular world but then later embrace the old-world chassidic lifestyle. Someone who grew up chassidic may want to become more modern, or let go of observances. It’s weird because the ways of living a certain life come with beliefs. Traditions have meanings. A certain Shabbos headwear may be distinctive in one’s family and heritage. So deciding to only wear a kippa on Shabbos may be taken as an insult by some family members. Then again, there are certainly families that put unconditional love at the forefront, and do not let preferences between choosing old-vs-new lifestyles get in the way of being one.

I think Hashem wants us to embrace each other and show love to all people. Maybe that’s too liberal, but it seems like that’s the bottom line. Each person must find his or her own way to bring light to this world. Whether it’s by following old-customs, or by integrating in modernity, or anywhere else along the spectrum, IMHO Hashem wants us to live with compassion. I think that’s the bottom line.

Please elaborate on your question

Chronic stress is killer. Please read this as can be killer.

Some people smoke to relieve stress. It’s an addiction. If we replace unhealthy addictions with healthy habits, like yoga, then these frum boys may have healthier outlets to cope with life’s stressors.

How many orthodox rabbis do you know who encourage their sons and daughters, and their neighbor’s children as well, to practice yoga? Join a mixed gender, religiously diverse group of people in fitness classes or sports? How about signing up their frum children for art classes at the local recreation center? Or drop their sons off at karate classes where they are the only religious Jews?

Smoking can start as a symptom of an unmet need. Or a frum boy may be smoking because his older frum friends and even rabbi[!] smoke. It could be a cultural influence.

If someone is orthodox in believe in orthoprax in practice, how is one OTD while smoking? Someone may smoke and not even want to smoke.

Do we say that someone who texts while driving is OTD too? Because it’s against the law, and definitely puts not only one’s life at risk, but other’s lives as well. Surely Hashem would not approve. We must obey the law of the land. We must not put ourselves in unnecessary danger. Thus, along this logic, if you text while driving, then you are def OTD. No question. ?

Are you really going to walk into a shul and ask the rabbi to step away from the ark because he must be an apikoros?

Would you seriously look into his baffled eyes and politely explain that you saw him buy cigarettes motzei Shabbos?

Is it just me or is Hashem the only judge?