LeebaW

I know you don’t mean it to be, but I find it somewhat insulting when people say that people have to have emotional/psychological problems or have crazy things going on in their lives to want to go off the derech. It isn’t true.

breslovornothing, that’s a nice idea, but no.

Anonymous1000, I don’t think this is the place to go into the specific intellectual reasons why I don’t believe. I think that it would probably end up being censored, but more importantly I don’t think it’s appropriate for a frum board. I am in Rome, as it were, and I don’t want to be disrespectful to the Romans.

Labeling is a very big issue. I’ve heard it said that a young woman’s reputation is like China – if you shatter it then you can try gluing the pieces back together but it will never be the same. There really isn’t much room for teens, especially girls, to act out for a bit and then come back and go on as if nothing has happened. For boys, it seems that a quick trip to yeshiva is all it takes and then all is well with the world.

I can’t speak for others, but personally I think it would be a little silly to be not frum and live a lie just for the sake of a little pride. If I were in a situation where deep down I was a believer but for various reasons strayed, I would definitely come back. My parents would welcome me back with open arms. They are wonderful people, and I hate that my lifestyle causes them pain. My life would be easier if I went back – especially in terms of family issues. But the truth is that I just don’t believe, and faking it would make me miserable.

The fact that Modern Orthodox children go off the derech is part of a completely different problem. If I were advocating that frum people become less strict in their own observance to better accommodate diversity, you’d have a point. But I’m not. I am not asking anyone to become lax in their own observance.

What I am saying is that it’s better to allow your teen to lapse a little in their own observance – particularly if the thing in question is a chumra – than to come down on them during a vulnerable time and inadvertently push them further away.

It takes time to grow up, become comfortable with yourself and choose one’s path in life. Being strict forces a teen – and we’re talking about only a certain subset of teens in the frum community – to make choices and define themselves too quickly. The flexibility I am advocating for just gives the teen a little bit of room so they can figure things out.

As an example, imagine a fourteen year old girl named Ahuva who isn’t following the rules of tznius as closely as her parents would like. Ahuva wears brightly colored nailpolish and sandals outside without socks. Other than that, she is a model student, participates in chesed in the community and is generally a good girl. This is her way of experimenting and doing a tiny bit of “rebelling”.

Then Ahuva’s parents confront her and suddenly it becomes this big deal. Her relationship with her parents deteriorates quickly, Ahuva ends up dropping out of high school and going to community college. Two years later she is completely not frum. Now Ahuva wasn’t making a religious statement. She didn’t even have any religious doubts. But when she pushed back against her parents and then ended up getting defined as OTD, that sent her on a different path.

Think this is crazy? It happens more often than you might think.

[To the Moderators: Was this post deleted or lost? I can’t tell if it ever actually posted. I am new to the site, and I am not trying to violate your rules – I would appreciate a little understanding.]

Zahavasdad, thank you for your comment.

You said: “Everyone wants to stop OTD, Everyone is coming up with ideas on why OTD occurs and now someone comes on and tells you why they went OTD people attacked the messenger. OTD will continue to occur as long as the messenger is attacked instead of the message.”

I understand the resistance to wanting to hear feedback from OTD people/formerly frum/whatever you want to call people like me. The Orthodox world is attacked from every angle. People have a lot of pride in their communities and are resistant to criticism as well as naturally suspicious of someone they see as a traitor.

You can believe this or not, but I am sharing my viewpoints out of affection for the frum world. I live and work primarily in the non frum, non Jewish world now and it is a very cold and cutthroat place. In the frum world, people are largely kind and look out for each other. So much so that it’s a cliche in New York that non Jewish people keep a kippa in their glovebox in case their car breaks down so they can put it on and a frum Jew will pull over and help them.

Please think of my comments the way a company would think of an employee exit interview – valuable feedback taken with a grain of salt due to possible biases – that may genuinely help their organization improve in the long run.

When I started reading articles and books about the “OTD phenomenon” it amazed me and disappointed me to see that the majority of the blame was put on OTD people. That we must be emotionally or psychologically damaged. To admit otherwise would be to admit that there may be something about the frum community that is less than perfect.

Let me posit this: If your religiosity is dependent on the idea that everything about the frum community is perfect, then how strong can your faith possibly be? The true and the good can withstand criticism.

To everyone who read my post and/or responded, I thank you for taking the time to consider what I have to say, whether you agree with me or not. I was at work all day and didn’t have a chance to revisit the thread until now.

To those of you who asked in various forms, I did not go OTD because my mother was too strict. However I do think that the way she reacted pushed me further away much faster. At the time, I felt that my choices were Everything or Nothing, and I chose Nothing. Later, when my anger faded, and I started thinking more seriously about what I actually believed, I made the decision that despite the very serious sacrifices involved (it was financially and socially advantageous to remain frum or at least fake it), religion of any kind was not for me. That’s the short version and I prefer not to go into it in more detail.

I think that many teens who don’t exactly fit the mold end up pushed into being completely not frum when all they really want is to experiment a little and find themselves or be slightly less frum than their parents. I am not suggesting that anyone compromise their beliefs. But which belief does wearing a leather rather than a velvet kippa violate? As Burnt Steak said: “When something is kept very rigid when it gets bumped it is more likely to shatter than if it was a bit looser.” That’s exactly it.