kollel_wife

Please stick to your convictions – your standards of tznius are commendable. There are some chareidi ladies that are too flashy. Although we try to put our best foot forward when dating, you don’t want to try to be someone that you’re not. If you aren’t comfortable with large jewelry or a lot of makeup, (which I agree with by the way), then don’t dress that way to bring shidduchim your way. You wouldn’t want your potential mate to do the same. Eg if you want someone with a white shirt and black hat you wouldn’t want him to wear that only to impress. (If he wants to wear because he strives for that, that’s different). Colors, when not bold – like hot pink, can be refined and tznius. But if you don’t have the time for that, when dressing for work – don’t worry about it. Much hatzlocho to you in your journey.

I also once had a miscarriage where I began to bleed heavily at home (after the doctor told me to wait and see what will happen.) My husband drove me to the emergency room, and the OB doctor there <B>immediately</B> delivered the fetus without normal anesthesia that would be done for a standard D&C. I still recall his words – we go to get that baby out of you (to stop the hemmorraging.) Surely EN should have been able to do that?

Good luck to you in your quest (I mean Judaism not clothing)!!!

Many places – are you in New York?

Queens, Kew Garden Hills has a large Bukharian community. I’m guessing you’re there. For a yarmuka, tzizis, stuff like that, try Gift World on Main Street. Clothing – not sure in Queens, but if you’re looking for dress shirts or dark pants you can go to department stores like Macys, really anywhere. Hasidic style clothing probably 13th Avenue in Boro Park would be good start.

I think she also said “I don’t eat at other peoples houses.” If the topic comes up again, she can explain this is her family minhag. Similar to not “mishing” on Pesach. The person who they don’t eat by might be their best friend/neighbor, but this is a minhag they have. Therefore no offense should be taken. Even wouldn’t eat at the Rabbi’s house, irrelevant of their halachic/haskafic differences.

I B”H am not familiar on a personal level with hospice care.

I know my husband once quoted Rabbi Shlomo Diamond (Sephardic community) on the dangers of a “morphine drip” for the reasons described above. I’m just trying to add to the point above that this is a known danger people should be vigilant about.

I don’t know if these suggestions are relevant for you.

1. Visiting seniors who know English but would also enjoy conversing in Yiddish.

2. I learned a lot of Yiddish from the teitch homework with my kids.

I think I’m going to say something a little different.

Firstly, I love cleaning. I now by choice have no cleaning help, but I did for many years when my children were small. I like things clean and very much dislike it when they’re not.

Your need for cleanliness may not match hers, and she may not like cleaning (now during pregnancy) or maybe never will. She may acutally dislike it VERY MUCH. In that sense it’s not going to work to motivate her to do herself (even for you who she cares about). A cleaning lady may also motivate her to keep things up in between the cleaning lady. I’ve seen that with people who generally dislike cleaning. The cleaning lady does the bulk, but it then motivated them to organize the closet, etc.

The fact that she gets upset at every disagreement and cries is manipulative in my opinion, although she may not be doing it on purpose. I think you should be able to talk about your feelings without her feeling you are demanding YOUR way. To be able to tell her you are uncomfortable with a stranger in the house, would prefer her to clean, but without her feeling threatened that you will NOT LET her have the cleaning lady. That you both can express your feeling about it. Give her time and space to do this in a unemotional way, where her feelings are understood. Then the two of you can weigh each one’s need and feeling and make a joint decision. If she feels heard and understood, she shouldn’t need to cry.

Sort of like kids arguing about who gets the first turn or crayons first, etc. If each feels secure they’ll get a turn, they won’t get upset, but will handle waiting their turn.

If she is getting very emotional about everything, this will not be possible and you may have to wait out this time period. This should pass after the pregnancy and post partum period, but if not you may need some help.

Also, those who are used to cleaning help don’t necessarily require nannies. If she does feel incapable of taking care of kids solely herself – that is her feeling. Your feeling will be discomfort with that. It may take her time to taking care of children. You may find you are more comfortable with a teenaged frum babysitter than a non Jewish nanny. But each person’s feeling can be discussed and take-in into account.

Much hatzlocha.

I would advise trying the women’s schools of Neve and Eyaht (in Eretz Yisroel) if they have shadchonim. Many will join for classes during vacation time and aren’t necessarily only those who are newly observant.

I see there are a lot of recommendations for Queens, so I would like to point out, that to commute from Queens to Brooklyn, is very far.

Correct me, if I’m wrong, but by subway, to get to Brooklyn, you first have to go Manhattan to downtown Manhattan (first going through midtown), and then continue to Brooklyn.

From KGH with the bus and then the subway, you can estimate an hour depending on the bus schedule and delays in trains. (This is based on my experiences more than 20 years ago.) I’m not sure how much time to add to get to downtown Brooklyn.

I don’t have any information about someone who will help with the process, but as it’s not complicated (except for adult medicaid – for a senior.) You should be able to call them and ask for an application. Ask them if you should set up an appointment or walk-in.

Look up “your County” Department of Social Services – here it’s Ocean County Dept of Social Services to get the number.

When filling out the application, you will probably need birth certificates and social security cards for all family member, recent bank statement from all accounts, proof of income paystub, etc for 6 weeks, I think. If you babysit, or rent to a tenant or similar, they can sign a letter that they pay you xxx monthly, weekly, etc.

As you apply, they’ll let you know what you’re missing. Again, just call and ask them what to do. It’s not so hard or complicated.

Hatlocho

I am not trying to suggest non tznius or clingy styles from the non Jewish stores. But many sleeveless tops can be worn as a vest and sun-dresses as jumpers. I’m not talking about an inherently non tznius style, but it looks like a vest – not low cut or strap sleeves or things like that.

Obviously the shell underneath must not have tight sleeves and the jumper/vest must fit properly. Children’s Place sells jumpers/sun dresses in the summer – that look perfect as a jumper with no tznius issues whatsoever!!!

Here’s my perspective as a mother.

I’d like to share things with the teacher that will help my child.

She’s a very, sweet cooperative girl, but has difficulty with a lot her school work. (It’s not really an option to leave her back, because she’s already been left back once.) It takes her longer to absorb new ideas and concepts. She is really working very hard with her tutors. As much attention and encouragement as you can give her is really appreciated.

Can you post your message on the Lakewood Scoop as well. I know many people in Lakewood will see that.

I think many people are misunderstanding the OP.

I’ve often gone to SeaGate or similar new mother homes after having a baby. They are predominently used by the chassidishe community. I am yeshivishe and feel comfortable shmuzing with all the ladies, yeshivishe, modern or very chasidishe. With roommates however, I felt the most comfortable with those who are yeshivishe like me.

When you live somewhere, especially if there’s close quarters, and the majority around you have different minhogim, especially when their minhogim are more stringent than yours, it’s hard to feel comfortable and happy.

One may tend to feel inferior or just feel like an outsider because everyone knows each other, they share a lot of “Jewish geography” together, send their children to the same schools, share similar outlooks and experiences. What’s very fancy clothing, homes, or food to you, may be ordinary for them. Your day to day experiences and expectations in your role as a husband/wife/employee may be very different. You may feel uncomfortable with a style of dress that is different from yours.

Monsey seems to be the best location geographically for the OP, but he wants to feel comfortable and “in his element”, there’s nothing wrong with that.

Probably, besides for a Shabbos visit, I’d advise a touring drive around town.

Hatzlocho.

It sounds like you are looking for a Baal Teshuva Yeshiva that is very Chareidi.

I don’t know if one exists or if readers here are familiar with such.

We are familiar with Ohr Sameyach in Eretz Yisroel or in Monsey, Does anyone know is there still a Kol Yaakov in Monsey? There’s also Machon Shlomo in Eretz Yisroel, I think.

These yeshivos are not chasidishe and many of the Rabbaim’s wives will wear wigs.

The Belz yeshiva mentioned might be more relevant. Also, to gain skills you can try one of these yeshivos, and then go from there someplace you’d call “more chareidi.”

Good luck to you.

There is a frum website with job listings called luach.com.

You may find some job ads in the Yated or Hamodia. In Lakewood the BP Weekly has many jobs in the back section. It’s worth getting on their mailing list.

Look for secretarial or medical data entry and network where you are as well. You may not be able to find work for a frum company. You can speak to PCS (Professional Career Services) of the Agudah for ideas as well.

Hatlocho Rabba

I think the post of Ms. Critique is not so relevant to your question. There are single girls living here in Lakewood, often working where there are other girls they can socially connect with.

You will also find a lot of girls in Brooklyn, maybe more shiurim to go to there. There are also a lot of opportunities to do Chesed in Lakewood, which helps you begin to get to know people too.

You have to start with some connection, job or friend you can go to for Shabbos or something in whichever community you will choose.

Much Hatzlocha to you.

Do you live in an area with a large Jewish community?

The kosher ice cream companies like Kleins etc make parve versions as well.

Another delicious idea are pies – apple, blueberry, which will come with an OU, I don’t recall the company, maybe Eden.

I’m sorry. It’s not easy to discuss these subjects so openly on a public website.

A lady should evaluate whether her clothing is sending an inappropriate message to a man that is not her husband. No I can’t predict the thoughts of every man, but I can know if I am dressed in a provocative way or an understated way or somewhere in the middle. In all cases the clothing is covering the parts required by halacha and is not tight, but for example long hanging hair, swinging in and out of her face, very high wobbly heels, heavy makeup are very likely to send an inappropriate message.

That is the message, the inappropriate message that I am speaking about.

What I mean by empowering, is instead of dicatating to others don’t wear this and this and that, focus on YOUR OWN IMPROVEMENT AND SENSTIVITY. People feel good about themselves when they look within themselves and have chosen on their own to improve instead of because others are criticizing them.

I guess my point was understood and misunderstood. I cannot define for others the words refined and casual. And I don’t want to. What I was trying to say is a person should look at what she (and he as well) is wearing and see what sort of message it sends to others around them, especially those of the opposite gender. This requires honest introspection. That is a part of tznius as well.

I’m not making a defintion or discussing a long skirt, but trying to explain why some might feel the long skirt or the denim skirt is not appropriate. What message does the clothing convey. And this will differ based on the community. Walking in to Meah Shearim with certain clothing may be flaunting and unrefined, whereas in Flatbush the same clothing might not turn any heads. But it behooves us all to ask ourselves the question of what message I am conveying with my clothing even if it covers me as it should.

I feel for you very much and will give you my opinion whatever it’s worth.

If you live with someone who is controlling and an addict, unless he really wants to change (not YOU want him to change), it won’t happen. And unless he wants to change VERY BADLY it may not happen either. Unless a person is VERY, VERY motivated to correct themselves, work with a therapist very hard, they won’t succeed. In this case it doesn’t sound like he’s motivated either. Also, if part of his behavior includes blaming you for his mistakes, etc, it doesn’t sound like he is willing to see himself objectively.

That being said, I have a good friend who is divorced. Her children and very self conscious and did not tell many classmates about the situation. It is very hard on children. But if the situation you describe doesn’t get better, it will HARDER on them.

I heard a shiur last night while in the car, 107.9 – I think it was Rabbi Frand.

He was discussing the halachic implications of Thanksgiving. But what was interesting to me was the history of the day, which he expounded upon.

If 1662 (?approx, I don’t recall), the Pilgrims celebrated in JULY their thanks at suviving a difficult winter. Nothing happened after that until 1782(again approx, I don’t recall) a NJ congressman or similar, suggested a holiday for thanks for this country etc. Again it was unused until during or after the Civil War (1860’s?) when Lincoln established it as thanks for this country and our freedoms etc.

Rabbi Frand, if that’s who it was, went on to say he didn’t know how the current holiday linked up back to the Pilgrim’s story, but eventually it got all mixed together.

Unless you’re in the know, is it possible he has more than one son?

There are a lot of factors that contribute to a kid going off the Derech that we don’t understand especially when judging from the outside.

In one case I know of, one child in the family was born with a uniquely challenging personality. He was never diagnosed as ADD or anything strong enough to warrant medication.

However, as the schools years went on, he went in a wrong direction. His difficult personality contributed to his lack of connection with parents and other positive adult mentors.

Each personality of every child in a family is different. Although the parents may be good parents, for reasons beyond our understanding, they so far have not been successful with THIS child only.