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*Miss Chevi Garfinkel and I agree, shes amazing, as are the other speakers mentioned.
+1
I realize a tallis is not the cost of a ring, but I’m just wondering where the line is drawn. As Mammele mentioned, it would be pretty bad for a kallah not to have a ring/bracelet to show off (not that I like that idea, but anyway) and a lukewarm “oh… it’s nice…” wouldn’t be too far off from that… Where does the Shas fall (and does it make a difference if he’s working or learning)?
DY, I was referring to routine family expenses, not wedding costs. Tuition aside for the minute, if there were a way to lower food costs, camp, school supplies/uniform, clothing/shoes (at least for young kids), tefillin/tzitzis etc that would definitely add up. Some of these are available to certain people at a lower rate, but not across the board. (Now you can tell me hachnosas kallah is a higher level than school supplies).
Agree 100% on the third point. Vorts do seem to be going away, if ever so slowly. And for something that seems to have a lot of downsides to a possible few benefits, this not yet kallah would love to be a trendsetter…
Edit: gavra, vorts can be anywhere from “extended l’chaim” to hall with hot food and music +. To play a slight devils advocate, a vort at home is not always feasible depending on setup, timing etc.
+1 DY and Mammele
A, instead of focusing on what standards people should keep (though I certainly agree that people should stay within their means), why doesn’t someone figure out a way to lower expenses allowing people to save up to cover the wedding costs by themselves?
B, if the kallah’s gifts are being tossed out of the budget, does the chosson get to borrow a tallis from shul every day?
C, It may not require turkey sandwiches in the shul basement, but maybe doing a buffet for the meal is an option to consider. Some Sefardim do it and no one seems to complain much. And I realize bentchers are not a major cost, but maybe halls can have some generic bentchers available instead of the family ordering it. It’ll save some room from someone’s basement too. And how much sense does it make to spend three thousand dollars on a vort? (For a simple vort, plus extras like clothing.)
In addition to what Syag said (very well put), if you haven’t contacted them yet, Ohel may have some ideas/resources for you to look into.
Wishing you much Hatzlacha in this amazing Chessed and continued bracha for you and your family.
gefen, according to a search result on imamother, the Lakewood Shell Station might do a phone order and ship it.
I’d generally agree with you as keeping in touch etiquette always gets to me, but I notice you said it happens after you’ve reached out. In my experience, if people don’t return a message etc, it might be for a practical reason (changed number, inactive email etc) or they might simply be preoccupied with something and miss it completely. As far as the CR, until we get upgraded to email alerts or a message after logging in, its possible (likely?) that said person simply missed a message post completely. If its any help, usually its not personal. 🙂
And I also noticed you were in hiding. Nice to see you around 🙂
Ever try cream cheese and tomato? I hear where you’re coming from though, I really don’t have hot dogs or even ketchup that often, but when I do, mustard doesn’t always join the party.
I see cij got here before I did. To the esteemed moms here, music is life for some people, if for the distraction, the actual music, or any other number of reasons. I’m not sure what one thing has to do with another, and sorry, I really don’t see how missing music is in any way a sign of someone not being able to cope with things in general, only a sign that something is important to them, and while thats not me, I can definitely understand it. Just saying…
Mazal tov
Froggie, with all due respect, what exactly was the purpose of that? Last time I checked, being a mentch (eg, an able-bodied person shoveling or salting snow) was part of the rulebook of being frum. Has something changed? Unfortunately, the defense of a word (admittedly, an important one) has left me rather unimpressed…
Shebechol by Simcha Leiner?
Did you try something hypoallergenic? Maybe see what happens with the shampoo open not in the shower, it could even be a reaction to something else scented, soap etc in the bathroom that took a few minutes to have an effect.
That crossed my mind too, but I didn’t make much of it because (and I know no one will like this) in effect, they are emailing about your order. The order may not take place altogether, but they’re emailing you about an auction order so…
Maybe I should stick to less controversial things…
I’m told that bungalow colonies pay well (mothers helper or day camp) but I don’t have firsthand experience and for a whole host of reasons (including practicality), I would only suggest it if you would be staying with close friends or family.
FYI, some day camps are known for tipping or paying nicely…
Hope you’re doing well 🙂
DY, it is possible to dress differently on dates, but if I can generalize, I would think a guy who asks about tznius is not looking for a girl where its a question and vice versa. It would be just as smart as a reference trying to “help” someone and lying about tznius/hashkafa level etc which is a horrible recipe for marriage.
The story you mentioned involved lying (or very direct misleading) and I wouldn’t equate that with handing over a question to someone better equipped to answer it. I would certainly agree though that where one has concrete negative information Halachically allowed or required to say, a person should make sure the question is answered one way or another.
I’m not a rav but I think it’s far better to avoid giving potential misinformation and living long distance, I don’t think she’s qualified to answer that question. Do you think its fair to base an opinion on three days?
I’m certainly not condoning tight clothing or lying to a potential shidduch in any form, but for this specific question, I think its best directed (for all parties) to someone who sees her on a regular basis.
Lior, its not the same. Smoking is often(?) an addiction and, in theory, possible to hide which is not possible with tznius.
gefen, I know you posted this a year plus ago but if you’re still reading and said girl is still single, you can simply avoid the question by saying that you don’t live in the same city so you(r daughter) would be the wrong one to answer the question. It’s certainly possible that her style of dress has changed since you’ve seen her so it might even be true… o.O
streekgeek-
A, a belated mazel tov 🙂
B, cooking is not hard once you get the hang of it. For chicken, you can use the spices SIDI mentioned (those are classic) or you can buy ready made spice blends from McCormick or Pereg (Pereg seems to go in the direction of Israeli/Middle Eastern). Check the packaging for a line that says if it goes well on poultry, meat, veggies etc. If you’re baking it you can use onion, potato, carrot, sweet potato (you can add the same seasoning as the chicken- yummm). If sweet sauces are more your thing, you can choose a prepared one (or ask a fellow shopper). Covered chicken comes out softer and juicier, uncovered is crispier. (If you’re doing sweet, covered is probably better because sugar tends to burn quickly.)
A few other points:
-Some vegetables, flour, and some other things may need to be checked for bugs. The OU, OK and Star K have checking guides online.
-Wash up after handling any raw meat/chicken/fish. (The purpose of cooking is to kill bacteria so…)
-You can use a thermometer to see when chicken is done or when you can stick a fork in gently and the juices are clear.
-Nonstick cooking spray is very handy to have around.
-Advice from a never married: Unless your husband is a world-famous chef, get out a cookbook and try working on some recipes together. It’s good bonding time and more fun with company.
Thats what jumped into my brain now. For anything else, feel free to ask. 🙂
I’m the wrong one to ask but it seems kinda funny to me to specifically use that lashon…
haifagirl, I hear where you’re coming from, and I have a related question for you. Have you ever heard someone in a social setting introduce themselves as Ms. So and So? And I’ve heard women call a store/business and give their name as Mrs. XYZ but never Ms. XYZ…
I once heard a teenager calling her aunt (mid 30’s) by her first name only and it bugged me a little, but it seems to be standard among the younger crowd.
Welcome back 🙂
DY, btw, one thing worth mentioning, in the Tefilla for Shidduchim (from the Shlah?) it uses the lashon “ben zugi hamuchan li”.
golfer-
ok, third try here. You’re certainly right that a wronged party should try to forgive as best they can. I was referring to repeat offenders of simple things lacking basic mentchlichkeit. It’s not about the wronged party forgiving, it’s about the wrongdoer learning to take care to be a mentch. You know what they say, do it right the first time and then you don’t need to do it over. Yes, mistakes happen, but like they also say, the second time isn’t a mistake anymore.
kapusta on apologizing:
Don’t be a jerk in the first place and then you don’t need to apologize at all. See how simple it really is?
*pet peeve alert*
Anonymous mod, thank you, it is much appreciated. If you care to identify yourself I’d love to thank you directly… Maybe I can even track down a virtual cupcake or something 😉
DY, I agree with you, and on a communal level, certainly we should do everything we can. On a personal level, regarding choices people make priorities in potential spouses, that involves a discussion of bechira. I was simply trying to cover the anonymous single reading, (or parent, friend etc) who is being realistic, being fair in their decisions, is frustrated with things and knows reality very well and, as I see it, has no benefit to be reminded of it. Mr. Rechnitz touched on a similar note in his response, and this here bothered me as well. I’m absolutely being hypersensitive but wanted to say my piece. Thank you for responding.
On the topic in general, everyone seems to be assuming single means girls. I was shocked once when I did a mental count and came up with more single guys than girls.
…I would ask why my (I thought innocent) post didn’t go through and the point I mentioned didn’t seem to be addressed. Don’t mean to be a pest here, the original post was really bothering me though… 🙁
The Dove by Shloime Dachs? I think it was on the Hashem Echad album…
The little things are worth a lot of points. IIRC, they look for proper hand-over-hand (hands around the wheel, not in it), changing gears before moving when making a K-turn is a biggie. There are a few threads with info. If your parents taught you for the whole process, you may want to do one or two lessons with a professional teacher who can tell you the little things to watch for. Oh, and be familiar with functions of the car, wipers, lights, hazard lights etc.
Good luck
I have so many things to say here but they’re not really forming anything solid… One thing which I repeat often: In my experience, if you look at the people you know who’ve been affected by a hard time they’ve been through in life vs. the other regular, wonderful, good people (and they are) you will see a big difference in character and emotional maturity. And whether you choose to go into a therapy-related field or not, you will IY”H come out of everything a much stronger person (look at your screen name!) and one way or another, I suspect you will use your experiences and devote time and energy to helping people who have faced bullying in life. Hang in there
If you would consider switching to another yeshiva (smaller?) at some point, where you can get a fresh start and not get lost in the shuffle, that may be something to think about. Also if you have any hobbies (music, writing, kitchen, photography, whatever it is) devote time to it when you can- you’re allowed to have something to identify with by choice that you enjoy.
(wordy alert!)
KC, I would love to do a longer post at some point, but I can’t now. I have a question for you though. Do you have any experience with children? Either immediate/extended family, neighbors, etc? I don’t recall if you mentioned being academic or not, though I wonder if you were to work with a younger child, either helping with homework or through an organization that could set you up as an older brother. Sometimes being in a different setting than the one you’re familiar with, makes it easier for a person to act themselves.
I will try to do a longer post bli neder when I have time.
Welcome back, Mr. 80.
One more thing, is it possible you’re using a lot of detergent and the stains are soap residue?
Oh, and welcome back 🙂
Do you notice the stains after washing or after drying? The easiest fix would probably be to test another detergent.
oomis,it seems theres a Kosher L’Pesach frozen egg substitute made by Kineret. I didn’t see it myself so can’t vouch for the ingredients, but wanted to mention it.
Do I count as an old timer? Mazal tov noitall and yossi z 🙂
I’m not sure I qualify as far as advice, but I’d have to say just being conscious of him/her, like offering a cold drink when s/he comes home and allllways showing appreciation. A little thank you goes a long way, as does a simple inexpensive gift and small things amount to a big deal.
ihear, thanks for the honest feedback.
taom, http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/tznius-recommendation-for-women
oomis, I kept egg/nut free desserts in back of my mind for a while and I came up with a few ideas, try them at your own risk 🙂 And please update us after
-I’m not sure if ladyfingers have eggs or nuts, but you can grind them and probably use them in place of flour in any recipe or in a fruit crisp (I’ve done a fruit crisp in the past). Or if you find a cookie (or cracker, you can add sugar) that meets the criteria would work.
-If you eat gebrokts, you can do a napolean style something with matzah- maybe cover in chocolate and use a whipped topping (I’m assuming egg free) in between the layers. Or ladyfingers if they’re egg free.
-You might have an easier time taking a recipe and working from that. I saw online that mashed banana can replace eggs so that may be a good option for you.
Chag Kasher v’sameach!
Do you know anything about the guy? I can’t imagine the typical guy looking for a BY type (?) girl would be interested in someone who has little experience with a frum lifestyle. I would love to know what the view is from the other side of things, cuz it doesn’t seem pretty. :-/ (Technically, you can talk to someone he has some connection to, but that might not be a great idea for anyones sake… Without knowing many details, the whole thing sounds very sticky on a few levels, please keep your safety in the matter a number one priority.)
Dear Goq,
You have shown yourself around these parts to be a very sensitive and good person, qualities some people can only wish they had.
kapusta,
Professional exerciser of others vocal cords 😉
On more of a serious note though, as you mentioned, I’ve become a firm believer that sometimes a negative turns into positive and IMO it would be grouped as a positive thing, though its only an opinion.
Wishing you the best and stay strong
Mazal Tov, postsem!!!!
Now that this thread is almost at the bottom of the page… Something always bothers me (for lack of a better term) with mention of a specific Eis Ratzon. Between everything, sometimes the other Eis Ratzon of sitting on your couch on any random day with something on your mind seems to take a back seat. Its not a matter of getting it in to meet a deadline– there is no deadline.
(And on a related note, sometimes the best davening is saying one line that you want to daven but cant). Just an opinion…
Thanks for posting SIDI
There are many girls looking for solid working guys. Skip the shadchanim, talk to people you know.
FYI, some of the foods you mentioned (specifically celery, onion, garlic, dill, barley) need to be washed/checked for bugs. A few of the Kashrus organizations have info online. Or find a store that sells things pre-checked.
Pretty much. It’s weird and strange to find nice people, and people who care. It’s different to find people who aren’t totally focused on themselves. And it’s definitely unusual to find people with a good sense of humor. So it looks like we agree.
😉
Hi, Syag! Hope you’re enjoying your Chanuka 🙂
TAOM-
A teacher may be able to help you with info about therapy. It would be easy for a teacher to look into someone good (which you want anyway) and cheaper options and its possible a teacher can help you figure out a way to cover the cost. I know some schools cover the cost of things sometimes and its possible your school would cover all or part. You can also mention to a teacher that you would like money for “something” (mention that its something good) and maybe they can help you find a part time job (like stuffing envelopes) that would help cover your cost. You can still get your teacher/school involved and still be discreet about it.
Hatzlacha
Hang in there 🙂
someone called? 😉
Sequel to Yonatan Sheinfeld’s song?