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“I once went with my friend to the ice cream store (before i got married) and when we got back to her car she couldnt get it to start. We called Chaveirim and they sent a guy down, we showed him the car, apparently the steering wheel was locked, he got the car to start. We thanked him and he left. The next day my friend sent a check to chaveirim, mentioned the story and that was it! The guy didnt call her to say thank you, for her thank you. That would have been absurd! We didnt think of small talk with the boy while he was fixing the car either! We didnt call to thank him personally. The Hakoras Hatov was there, but in a very modest way. What is this with boys and girls that are so friendly and comfortable with opposite genders. I think it is the Yetzer harah, and he is laughing!”
Phyllis, aside from the obvious differences between your story and the one this thread was started about, there is so much that I find disturbing about your post that I don’t know where to begin. I’ll just say that we all need to be don lecaf zechus (sp). There is no reason to assume that they were following their yetzer harah, assume they were just being polite and thought that their meeting was a sign from Hashem. Just b/c your such a good person that you would never talk to a boy in this manner, even though you could have made a chillul hashem yourself (I’ll assume of course that you did not) does not mean you should hold everyone else to your standards, or even that your standards are proper.
“Wow, this story is very nice, nice boy indeed. However, it is obvious that we are talking about very modern circles. For 2 girls to engage in talk with the boy is modern. You have to be polite, but this is an area where pple are stumble.”
I completely disagree and I think your attitude towards them is part of what makes the shidduch scene so hard these days. First of all for the girls to not make small talk and at least find out who this boy is would have been rude and in my opinion would mean that they are lacking good middos. I don’t think you can be polite without asking the boy about himself, you don’t know that they crossed any line that would mean they are being more than just polite. To say that they are modern would have been unfair but to say that it’s obvious that they are “very modern” is just absurd. Judging people like this makes them and other people who hear these stories scared to do anything that’s not by the book. This leads to boys and girls not building a relationship while dating which leads to two problems, people getting engaged without really knowing each other and almost the opposite problem of relationships breaking off because one party is afraid to tell the other about some issue they are having and figuring it’s easier to just stop going out.
To Tzippi:
where’s the menschlichkeit?
It’s not a matter of menschlichkeit, I would argue that amongst people making demands in shidduchim there rarely is any. All I’m saying is that melechalmaklo’s points make more sense directed at girls than guys. You would think that if the girls are having such a hard time, they would be less picky and stop expecting every tiny detail about the guy to be perfect.
to melechalmaklo
If the shidduch crisis affects the girls more than the boys, shouldn’t the girls be the ones making sacrifices in order to get a shidduch? If the guys have so many choices they have no need to accept anything but what they consider the best. I’m not saying that’s the way it should be, in fact I don’t do any of the things you say boys do when looking for shidduchim, I don’t want my in laws to support me and I would live anywhere that I can make a living. Of course you’re talking about learning boys and I’m a working guy so it’s a whole different situation but bottom line is you can’t place all the blame on the boys. don’t hate the players hate the game.