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Cleaning “develops the muscles”? Really??
If anything, it can lead to soreness and joint pain.
Also because it’s outright geneiva in addition to geneivas da’as.
I understand not wanting to crowd and think it’s perfectly reasonable to only take 3 passengers. However, being that there is a functional fourth passenger seat, I think it’s disingenuous to use the term “full car” in that situation.
As far as the crowding itself– ask the passengers! I personally think the convenience of the ride outweighs the discomfort of being squished, and although I’m tall for a woman, I don’t mind being the one to take the middle seat. I do know, however, that other people feel differently.
I understand not wanting to crowd and think it’s perfectly reasonable to only take 3 passengers. However, being that there is a functional fourth passenger seat, I think it’s disingenuous to use the term “full car” in that situation.
As far as the crowding itself– ask the passengers! I personally think the convenience of the ride outweighs the discomfort of being squished, and although I’m tall for a woman, I don’t mind being the one to take the middle seat. I do know, however, that other people feel differently.
300
“no facebook….bad for the neshama!!!”
There are Facebook groups for divrei Torah, for cholim, for tzedakah, for countless community initiatives. Used appropriately, Facebook can be very good for the neshama.
25
My father died on 29 Av 5762. My grandmother died on 30 Av 5763. My mother also had two consecutive years of aveilus without a break. It was difficult for me because my friends were having Bar and Bat Mitzvahs right and left during my year of aveilus and I couldn’t go to them. When my year ended, I was so excited to be able to go to movies again, but I was too young to drive and my mom, being in aveilus, couldn’t go with me to the movies. These issues, of course, are probably quite insignificant compared to what you’re experiencing, but you were also blessed to reach adulthood before your parents passed away. May Hashem give you the strength to make it through this year, physically and emotionally, and may you only know simcha in future years.
What do you mean, what gives?
I created my account four years ago. I was active for a while and then stopped– it was a combination of losing interest and not having time. Recently I came back, then left, then came back again.
There are plenty of people who are active and then leave for any number of reasons. Some resurface, some don’t. It’s not a grand mystery.
I can’t speak for seminaries (mine does have stairs and I really don’t know about others) but if your friend does manage to find a seminary that can accommodate her, you should tell her about a shul called Yedidyah in the Bak’a neighborhood. In order to be as inclusive as possible, the shul has ONLY ramps and NO stairs (as opposed to most handicap-accessible places that have both stairs and ramps). I really admire the thoughtfulness and sensitivity in ensuring not only that those with disabilities can physically navigate the building, but also that they don’t have to feel self-conscious about being the only ones to make use of the ramp. (Not to mention those with physical disabilities which are less obvious, who may also feel embarrassed using ramps).
Change your environment. Don’t put yourself in situations that you know will be challenging. If YOU have done everything you possibly can and you’re not seeing progress, don’t beat yourself up about it and don’t try to reinvent the wheel. There is no shame in avoiding a nisayon entirely rather than facing and conquering it.
There is a big difference between “being heard” and changing someone’s opinion.
newhusband, you sound like you are really trying hard and I think most of the posters here are being too hard on you. The most important thing, in my opinion, is to continue to compliment your wife on everything she does, and to say nothing (or very little) about the things she doesn’t do. Compliments feel good. The more she sees that you appreciate her, the more she’ll be motivated to do more for you.
Shana Rishona is amazing and wonderful in many ways, but it’s also very difficult. Give yourself some credit, and give your wife some credit. Your lives have just drastically changed, and they’re about to drastically change again. B’sha’ah tova, and please keep us posted!
“For most women to desire a man in such a way requires she know him personally and like him very much and have some kind of personal relationship with him. For a man though, if she looks provocative the thought can be triggered over a perfect stranger. We work very differently than women.”
I can’t speak for men, but I do know that women (based on my experiences and those of my friends I would even say most women) do NOT need to have a personal kesher with a man in order to desire him. The thoughts that I had about men I didn’t even know at the pool was exactly what led me to stop going mixed swimming when I was in high school (I thought I had written about this here 4 years ago, but I can’t find the post now). Now, men who are not “classically good-looking”– yes, we need to know who they are before we start having those thoughts. But there is such a thing as an objective standard of beauty, and someone who fits that standard– especially while wearing very little– can be very distracting.
Lol, when I saw this thread I thought it was going to be about tefillos for a woman who’s about to give birth!
“For many reasons, it is better that in general, we maintain our anonymity. Discussions sometimes get heated or a little personal, and it is better that we really do not know to whom we are speaking at those times.”
I agree that maintaining anonymity is very important. However, precisely because discussions often get heated, I wish that we would all take it upon ourselves to imagine, each time we reply to an anonymous poster, that we are speaking to a friend, relative, rebbe, or someone we know personally. Maybe that would help to dissipate some of the vitriol that shows up here all too often.
Nothing that drastic, but certainly the CR is a place for me to encounter differing beliefs and opinions, and some of those things have challenged me to think in a new way. It’s one of the reasons I enjoy reading the discussions here.
Knorr is also kosher (I can’t remember if all the flavors are, but certainly most if not all) and you just have to add boiling water.
When my mom would take me with her to the hairdresser and sit me down and I would get to play with a big box of curlers while she had her hair cut.
My babysitter Olga who drew really pretty pictures for me.
Walking down the street to the Baskin Robbins and the video store all by myself, and stopping in Rite Aid to buy Barbie doll outfits with my allowance money.
My dad’s friend who had a Palm Pilot.
The fourth graders who got to make pottery in art class.
When I was in sixth grade and we won Color War, and it was the first time the sixth grade had won Color War in years.
My high school principal who wore a bow tie.
When we were in the market for a “new” used car, and we test drove one that had a video player in the backseat.
My friend who had a big, beautiful house with an old-fashioned bar set in the basement that nobody ever used, and a small leather table where we used to play card games.
The first year we finally had our own sukkah.
downandin, how are you doing? Please give us an update.
“Another made a broccoli dish on shabbos with semi-raw chunks of white onion in it.”
I am certain she did not make it on shabbos.
Hang on…
“3) I BEGGED my wife many times to take control of the finances. I told her I will deposit all income in her hands an she would be responsible for paying all bills an she would be free to spend as she wishes. She refused every time.
4) In reality, if I didn’t respectfully control her spending, she would rack up tremendous debts an the creditors would probably get screwed. She is the opposite of financially responsible, an she admits so herself.”
I’m confused. If your wife is “the opposite of financially responsible”, then why on earth would you ask her to take charge of the finances???
Osem
Sure, but many don’t read the newspaper on shabbos either, even in paper form.
“My parents were the smartest things in the world”
????
You’re a post seminary girl and you a) literally think that your parents are smarter than ANYONE ELSE and b) refer to your parents as THINGS?
?????
My husband doesn’t “give” me anything. We make financial decisions together. He earns the money right now, but we usually run errands together. If I’m going grocery shopping without him, I’ll show him the list ahead of time (I usually don’t know how much something *should* cost, so he gives me a cap per item, but we don’t have a cap on the shopping trip as a whole).
I really can’t comment on specific amounts per week, because expenses vary widely based on the size and specific needs of your family, and especially based on your lifestyle and location. I suggest that you have an honest and respectful conversation with your wife, and try not to think of her desire for an expanded budget as “complaining”. If you show her that you are willing to have a serious conversation, I think you’ll find it significantly easier to reach a reasonable compromise. Much hatzlacha.
Ilu finu maleh shira kayam. I sing it to myself under my breath or in my head when I’m stressed out, and it always makes me feel better.
Also check luach.com.
“You cant [sic] walk into oncoming traffic and pray that you wont get hit.”
Sure you can. And just because you shouldn’t have walked into traffic doesn’t mean that Hashem won’t answer your prayer. Can you “guarantee” that anyone who walks into oncoming traffic will get hit? There are a lot of foolish and naive people out there who do it, and guess what? Many of them have near-misses. Maybe, from our perspective, they deserved to get hit, but Hashem saw fit to save them for whatever reason.
“Hashem isn’t the tooth fairy. Theres [sic] rules to prayer and when its [sic] just not going to work.”
Rules? Really? What are the rules? We have a chiyuv to daven, and there are halachos regarding what, when, and how to daven. Nowhere, however, is it stated that there is a formula or system or rules of any kind regarding when prayer will “work”. Furthermore, the distinction between prayer that “works” and prayer that “doesn’t work” is essentially meaningless. All tefillah is worthwhile; all tefillah is precious to Hashem; all tefillah helps you grow. There’s a famous saying that I’m sure you’ve come across at some point: “Hashem answers every prayer, but sometimes His answer is no.” And sometimes, in order to give you what you need in the long term, Hashem directs your life in the short term in a way that you don’t perceive as positive. So you might think that Hashem doesn’t love you or has abandoned you, but in truth, you just can’t see that He is giving you something infinitely better than what you requested.
“Do you honestly think that after what happened to her Hashem wants here [sic] here? If the answer is no or any shade of no then praying will be useless.”
First of all, I can’t possibly presume to know what Hashem wants from her. Second of all, there is no such thing as a “useless” prayer. See above.
One final thought:
We are commanded to believe in God. It is a positive mitzvah incumbent on all of us. Anyone who has issues with emunah severe enough that viewing a moderated website is a faith-shaking experience clearly needs to be working on their emunah anyway. Better to go through that (relatively mild) experience and to recognize that you need to work on this area than to coast through life until something more serious hits you and you realize you have no answers for the kofrim, and begin to wonder why not. Three hours with a rabbi is not a bad thing at all. I honestly believe that while our communities and institutions are scrupulous about mitzvahs that require you to “do something” or refrain from “doing something”, they do not even begin to stress the importance of mitzvahs relating to thought, belief, and emotion, e.g. believe in God, love God, fear God, love your neighbor, do not covet, do not hate your neighbor in your heart, etc.
How about an organization/support group for widows and widowers?
Check shabbat.com. I would guess that many families listed there as Shabbos hosts would be open to boarding this young man. If you create an account, you can search by neighborhood and send messages to families.
“If I’m not mistaken, aside from the ball issue, which would only be a sha’alo for Sefaradim, there is also the issue of psik reisha that the ball eventually breaks.”
I don’t have my Mishna Berura with me right now, so I can’t check, but I’m pretty sure it’s Orach Chaim, siman Shin Lamed Zayin, sif Beis, that says that you may do something permitted on Shabbos which MAY OR MAY NOT cause something prohibited, even if the permitted act is LIKELY to cause the prohibited consequence, and it’s NOT a p’sik reisha (it comes up in the context of sweeping and choresh). A flimsy Ping-Pong ball is likely to break at any given moment, but certainly not 100% guaranteed to break, so it’s not a p’sik reisha.
This is me, not my husband.
You don’t wear a…what??
WIY, you are welcome to your own opinion, as is everyone else. But you cannot just “guarantee” that a particular prayer will not be answered. Who do you think you are?
1) I am not “hung up on the law”.
2) The agunah issue has become a real epidemic. It’s not just “random people behaving badly”.
3) There are no “sides” when it comes to giving a get. If they’ve mutually decided to end the marriage, have divided their assets, and have been living separately, there can be NO reason whatsoever to withhold a get.
“The best & only protest is facilitating & making more Shiduchim between men & women.
Apart from thereby reducing the % of same gender marriages, each wedding shows 1 more objection to same gender marriage.”
Not really…that’s like saying “apart from thereby reducing the % of houses bought, each apartment rented shows 1 more objection to buying houses.” It doesn’t make any sense. Just because you made a particular decision does not necessarily mean that you’re morally opposed to other decisions in general. There are tons of straight people out there who advocate for gay rights.
Finish your preparations by chatzos on friday
“I don’t understand why this has become a ‘Crisis’ with a capital C. There are a lot of ways that people can be mean to each other, and a lot of ways in which laws are inequitable toward men and women. People should always be menschen, but there is nothing unique about “gets” that should arouse such an outcry.”
Are there other inequitable laws or other ways that people can be mean which prevent the flourishing of families? This is rightfully termed a “Crisis with a capital C” because it prevents women from remarrying and raising more children. For a different perspective, try comparing the agunah crisis to the shidduch crisis. They’re more similar than you might think.
“I know of a Rov who personally davened ashkenaz. When he took up a position in a shul where they daven sefard he switched: ‘Hashem understands all nuschaois, so I may as well daven the same as everyone else and not get confused'”
My teacher taught me that one should daven properly and try to choose a consistent pronunciation, taf or saf. But she also said that since many of us have a problem that we learned, for instance, krias shema ba’al peh in one pronunciation, then began the practice of davening in the other pronunciation, sometimes we get confused and end up using both during davening. (I frequently have this problem because my day school taught me to use taf but my husband uses saf, so I have been trying to retrain myself and it’s not completely internalized yet). She said that one should really try to be consistent, but if we accidentally stumble and say both pronunciations, not to worry because Hashem will understand us anyway.
I love my Rebecca and it was much, much cheaper.
Menachem Melamed, many colleges offer single-gender and/or “clean” housing options.
It would seem that the overparticipating of men in household work has produced more bad than good as far as far as shalom Bayis is concerned. Many men feel that they can cook just as well as their wives sometimes they can cook better and it causes them to look down on their wives and feel superior. This of course leads to serious shalom Bayis issues because the husband doesn’t hold his wife in high esteem.
Eleven or twelve
Those who apply to Ivy League schools “just to see if they can get in” should strongly consider the consequences of their actions. Ivies have a quota of how many people they will take from one school, and at my high school (I have heard this happens elsewhere) the top students got into Ivies and declined them, with the result being that other high-performing students who actually wanted to go there were rejected.
“What if someone woke up with a cold Shabbos morning and is using a tissue every 10 or 15 minutes?”
Sit in the back of shul so you can go in and out without disturbing others.
“You can’t just ‘think that someone is right’ that something is assur. That’s not how halacha works.”
No, you can’t make up a psak, but I don’t think that’s what most people mean when they use that phrase. Most people B”H have learned a fair amount of halacha and if someone asks them something, they will say “yes, I think so” if they don’t remember exactly. That doesn’t mean they made it up; it means that at one point they did learn the sugya and it’s just not so fresh in their minds anymore.
Esav was tzayid b’piv and he tricked Yitzchak into believing he was so frum by asking him questions like “how do you take ma’aser from salt” (answer: salt doesn’t require ma’aser). Perhaps he tricked Avraham in the same way for two years, but could not have continued to conceal the truth from him.
Clubs? Spiritual regression? What Israeli seminaries do you know of?
The reason women can’t count in a minyan is that minyan is a tikun for the aveirah of the meraglim, and the meraglim were men. But women who participate in minyanim should not be viewed as “useless”, insignificant, or peripheral. Hashem hears the prayer of the tzibur as a whole.
Incidentally, rebdoniel, I don’t know how it is in your shul, but in my shul it is always a woman who sets up and cleans up the kiddush, regardless of who sponsors it.
Maybe you should reconsider your class selection for next semester?