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Let’s not blame any one group for a bigger issue. In my experience, there are many amazing shadchanim who work very hard, including rabbonim, rabbeim, teachers and rebbetsins. Friends and neighbors also play an important role. I’m sure there are yechidim, whether shadchanim, parents or individuals who make mistakes. But by and larger this isn’t the case.
The fact is that is that it often becomes harder to make a match as the prospects age out of the primary dating age. The best solution is to do what you can to help. As a friend, as a neighbor, or even someone who lost touch. Daven for them. Have them over and support them emotionally in life, not just in shidduchim. Do what you can, do your personal hishtadlus, and then daven and be a good friend.
I have incredible respect for Rav Miller. It’s important to say here that Daas Torah is not universal on this topic.
When I got married, my mashgiach took my aside and asked me if we had spoken with a relationship counselor. I told him that everything was going great with the shidduch, but he told me that his Rosh Yeshiva once gave him this advice, and now he gives it over to his talmidim. Shortly, before the wedding, go to a good frum counselor – and he had a few that he recommended. Speak out your fears, your concerns, your hopes and dreams. Learn to work on your communications from the start, and you will continue growing.
Most importantly, these weren’t just people who gave eitzos. They had both degrees and were real yarei shamayim. This isn’t not something to play around with.
A few years later, I was having a hard day and wasn’t happy with how I spoke to my wife. I consulted my mashgiach, and he asked me if we had gone back to the counselor. I had completely forgotten! We now make it a point to go every few years for a “tune up”, especially when things are going well. A relationship requires constant nurturing. Not just dates and walks together, but working on your relationship itself. These sessions aren’t a walk in the park and they can run upwards of $100 a pop, but the atmosphere at home is so much better afterwards.
To be fair, overeating is assur according to many poskim. I used to be careful about this, but slipped repeatedly. Smoking is a symptom of a problem, but the cause is as simple and relatable as eating unhealthy food, not getting enough exercise, etc.
Yes, some schools push meds too often. But many do not. And some kids thrive on them, where they were failing and thinking they were a failure without them. Imagine being a first grader who cannot function like your peers. You feel completely lost! But with a bit of extra attention in the classroom and a bit of medicinal help, you suddenly find that you aren’t a failure, you do belong.
My kids yeshiva didn’t push meds. But we tried everything, tefillos, tsedaka, small classes, therapies and he was still lost. Sometimes we are to fast to perscribe, but on the flip side, sometimes we are too hesitant to give our kids the help they need. We would never ask a kid to make do without a wheelchair or heart medicine. If you have explored all options, yeshivas, special Ed, etc. If you have met with all the rabbeim and Morah, the hanhalla and experts in chinuch, don’t feel guilty for giving them what they need.
Maybe contact the chabad and ask them. You may even find a local shaliach who would be thrilled to have someone serious to learn with at nights. And you can be mechazek him in his efforts!
No. We do not create new maras ayin, and this isn’t mentioned in the gemara.
I had a friend who invited spouses, but on the RSVP card had a box for which spouse were coming – or both. Honestly, it’s a waste of money to book a seat for a spouse who isn’t coming. And it’s not bekovodik to not invite a wife.
That said, if this was a more simple affair, or the families are tight on funds, this would be pretty understandable. I had a chavrusa who had a family tragedy a couple of months before his wedding – and I never got the invite. This was over ben hazmanim, and I haven’t heard. I nearly called him to ask if everything was OK, when a mutual friend told me what happened. They ended up have 10 friends each at the wedding, doing it in a local restaurant. I can’t say it’s insulting that he didn’t think to call me. I’m just happy he was able to pull through and get married.
Chevra, nobody is perfect. Rav Shlomo did his best, and I know many, many people who he sent to the best yeshivish. He changed a generation. He was accepted by major admorim.
Please remember that you don’t know where if your niggunim come from. There is a popular niggun used for havdala that is from the conservative movement. But it’s used.
If you don’t want to use a niggun, don’t. If someone finds beauty in his music, then use it to connect to Hashem.
The last thing HKBH, or Rav Shlomo would have wanted is a machlokes.
Speak to a Rav. I made the transition socially, but not at work. Then I discovered how many rabbanim had secular names, and heard many shiurim that this isn’t as big a deal as I thought it was.
It is not reasonable to tell anyone of that agree what to do. But it is reasonable for both to be open to it. I dated girls who were older than me. It’s healthy, normal and there is nothing wrong with it.
Magazine publishers are not putting ads in their publications because they are greedy. Their advertising revenues allow them to sell their magazines at a more affordable rate. Every publisher has to walk a tight rope between ad revenues and subscriber rates. Advertisers only pay if you have enough readers.
The bigger issue to me is the simple lack of women in our publications, period. The Lubavitcher Rebbe famouslh directed his publishers to go back and add girls and women to their contact children’s books. We need to show our community what it means to be a frum female leader, even if it’s in the women’s supplementary section.
The real reason that pictures of women are missing is because of the limited reach of frum magazines. In order to maintain a viable business, you need to stay broader, creating content of interest for a large community. Any magazine that publishes pictures of women is closing the door on a number of communities, and is hurting their business viability.
Chevra, this is the perfect post for the coffee room. Chazal tell us what is needed. Treat each other better. Love every yid more. Don’t judge, just love them. Be Dan llaf zechus. Say good morning with a smile. Open your hearts to those less fortunate in every sense of the word.
Do your part, and you will see that moshiach is very close. So close. Yes, there is pain, but when we open our hearts to one another you will also see so much more beauty.
Chag kasher vsameach.
There are many types on concerts. Personally, I use to enjoy the more flashy concerts, but as I matured I came to enjoy the reach and emotional dveykus over the flash.
That said, there are concerts that are basically giant tishim. Eitan and Shlomo Katz for example, give very deep concerts. Full of Torah, full of Dveykus.
If anyone has ever been to the Yud Tes Kislev concerts in Yerushalayim, the flash serves the ruchniyus. The lighting and video effects are flashy, but showing divray Torah and insight into the music. There are divray Torah leading into just about every song, giving newer, deeper insight. And there is big fabrengens for a couple of hours before the concerts, as well as a museum of chassidus to put you into the mood.
There are ways to do concerts, even with flashy “rock and roll” that are spiritually uplifting. I have tremendous respect for Rav Miller, and in this instance there are other points if view from big rabbanim as well.
Of course he is Jewish. Most of our generation are tinokim shenishba, but this doesn’t change who or what they are.
Mark is a very good person, and from mutual contacts, I understand that he is very sincere in his day to day life. He supports hospitals, education, and when he discovered animal cruelty issues, started only eating meat that he has personally purchased and slaughtered.
Over the last couple of years, Mark has started to get more in touch with his Jewish heritage, and we should encourage and welcome this step. I daven for his continued progress and success.
I worked for a drug company with a smoking cessation pill. We did a ton of research, and though I am not a smoker, I very much relate to your challenges. It takes most smokers more than one try before it really “takes”. The research shows that you going about this the right way: asking the question of others, and building social support. Let others know what you are doing, and they can help you on your journey.
B’hatzlacha Rabba, I’m davening and rooting for you
Ehricher you is between that person and HKBH. Prishus is a complex sugya. Someone who enjoys exceptional food, and foes so through the lense of appreciation to HKBH and advocating and demonstrating that kosher food is not inherantly lesser is Ehrlich in my book.
Let’s spend more time and energy focussing on personal growth and less time passing judgement.
Most religious zionists say that this is the beginning of the flowering of the geulah. That is to say, we are living in the days shortly before moshiach. Most gedoylim have already said this. VaYoel Moshe is widely learned here as well. Not lehachis, simply as a sefer. To quote one prominent Chardalli Rav, ‘we have a lot in common. 613 things. We even agree that the return of Jews to our land is a religiously significant event’ I heard this first hand.
לא ינון ולא ישן שומר ישראל.
There is a reason we live here. We have never thought of moving back. This isn’t propaganda. It’s our home. And nothing is going to take us away.
Hashem gave us a present. He gave us nissim venuflaod. The land is literally flowering before our eyes. We haven’t been zocheh to the true geulah yet, but we are maaminim and we mean what we say.
The Chet hamiraglim was asking. The tikkun is jumping in.
For 2k years the sounds of children laughing was missing from Yerushalayim. Od yavoh… Visit Teddy Park during beIN hazmanim tell me the words of the Navi aren’t being seen before our very eyes.
When they dig here to build a home, they often find the homes of our grandparents which were forced out by churban bayis. Now we are here. And though we may not all agree on politics or government, for the first time we are here together. The children, the long lost cousins are returning.
Chassideshe or heimeshe hashgachos are smaller, and because they are smaller there are both advantages and disadvantages. If you speak to people with serious knowledge of industrial kashrus, you will be amazed. Life isn’t as simple as you think.
In general, call the Rav of the local frum shul, explain your standards and respectfully inquire about the vaad and if this would be equivalent to what you have in your local area. Most of the time, the local rav can give you an honest picture of the state of affairs – including what establishments are and are not to your standard. If you do not know enough about kashrus, especially industrial kashrus, to make an informed judgment, ask your rav. Many rabbanim, especially in EY, will call a local vaad or rabbanut for you and tell you if it’s to your standards.
Chevre, let’s take another scenario. Reuven was raised in a home where they kept kosher, but weren’t makpid on chalav yisrael. He went to the right in life, choosing a lifestyle that is quite different from his parents. They don’t approve.
Now he is visiting his parents. His parents keep offering to out on movies for the kids, and they keep declining politely. It’s not easy. Now his mother serves the kids breakfast.
The milk is OU D, chalav hacompanies. Should Reuven increase the machlokes in order to be a baal nefesh, or should he rely on the heter? And if his mother went out of her way about bought heimishe milk and cereal, should he push further and insist on plastic keilim?
I have been told by many respected rabbanim and poskim not to look too closely when I’m in this situation. Hamayvin yavin.
There are issurim midoraisah in insulting others, and there are kullas for chalav Stam that can be used to avoid this situation.
There are two factors at play.
1. In someone else’s home, someone who is shomer shabbos and kashrus, you can generally rely on their standard. I have asked this Shayla many times about different situations such as work friends, family, etc and this is the answer I received. However, if you know for a fact that there are issues, ask your local hallachik authority.2. The kashrus of chalav Stam is another issue. If you hold that it is pashut treif, and you are eating hot cooked food with their utensils, ask a Shayla. From what I have seen, the plan is not noheig like this. They hold chalav yisrael as a chumra, not as an ikkar hallacha.
I know plenty of women named Sivan and Aviv. They aren’t dati, but these are common names on Israel. If you are in doubt, speak with a Rav. Especially if your spouse likes the name.
There are gedolim who are into biblical names, and those who are more open to new names. Plenty of common Jewish and especially yiddish names were once new. And lots of people, particulalry the EY crowd are bringing back old names from Tanach that we have lost.
Most importantly, mazal tov and enjoy the baby!
I know if situations where the girl brought it up before the guy. Shouldn’t be a big deal. That’s why you are dating.
Ask a rav and give details. Explain why you believe it’s time to call the police. If there is a possibility of the worst, call the police first. Saving a life is a big deal.
Rabbosai, enough. This gerus happened via a chashuva beis din, major rabbanim by any standard. V’ahavtem es hager is a very serious mitzvah, Kal vchomer when it comes to motsi she rah.
I am not a posek, but I have spoken with many about these discussions. They are problematic. Stop.
If you believe that you are mature enough to be married and soon, having kids, you need to also be mature enough to clearly tell you parents what you expect and how you want to live your life.
If you don’t feel ready for shidduchim, tell them. This self-confidence is challenging, but it is part of the process.
Rav Schwab has a long essay on this topic. He believes that chazal changed our calendar.
Historians don’t just make things up guys. There is a written historical record that comes from secular sources, and there are times when there are multiple historical secular sources.
As my rebbe said, being shomer torah umitzvos is a choice. It’s not an easy choice, and very often kids are pushed out rather than then “leaving”.
Our community is bleeding, not to death, but bleeding in a real way. Parents, friends and family are concerned. They talk, they worry and often they try their best.
Warmth, acceptance and joy are the best and hardest antidotes. They are hard because it is hard to lead by example. And apples to apples, torah, tfillah, and tsedaka in all it’s forms really do help.
Someone doubting the truth of the torah should spend time with someone from Aish or the like. They have both rational reasons for emunah (toras emes) and the emotional experiences (toras chaim) that combine to create a powerful experience.
On a personal note, I was saved by a gadol giving what was also rational advice. I was very young when I became extremely ill. We went to specialists and they couldn’t figure it out. A friend went to the lubavitcher rebbe and gave him my name and situation. He recommended that we check my father’s tfillin and that we try a pediatrician – maybe it was something we overlooked. He was right on both counts, and I’m alive today thanks to his spiritual and practical advice – and the incredible diagnostic skills of the pediatrician who caught what top notch specialists missed.
When I was in yeshiva in EY a number of the guys started wearing ponchos in the cold. It was the style, a bit hippyish. We asked a big rav about the ponchos. He recommended that we put on tsitsis. There was a shayla regarding both the length of the long ponchos, as the strings would drag on the ground as well as the materials of the poncho (largely synthetics) vis a vis bracha (I believe we made one).
When in doubt ask a shayla to your rav. If the costs are too high, ask your rav about the possibility of rounding off a corner of the begged.
Many popular and mainstream songs we use in our avodah (davening, tishes, simchas etc) came from goyishe tunes. When I asked my Rebbe about a number of shailos related to music he said that if klal yisrael does it, we must figure out how it is OK.
Go to YouTube and listen to Pick A Bale Of Cotton.
I generally had good luck taking a girl to Toys R Us and then to a hotel lobby or the like.
Toys R Us works because childhood is generally any area where people have a good deal of positive memories that can serve as ice breakers and conversation starters. Buying a game or small Legos (or coloring books and crayons) at Toys R Us generally runs anywhere from $5-$25. You then do the activity, build or play the game while on the date at the hotel lobby.
You have to be the right kind of person for this to work, but I never stuck out with it and most girls appreciated the break from the high tension “normal” dates. You will get a few funny looks for playing Uno together in a hotel while all dressed up, but it gets the conversation going.
Living in EY, we don’t get albums as quickly as you do in the states and they often cost a bit more. MP3 version on Mostly Music are always more affordable and many albums are even cheaper on Amazon.com. Music no longer retails for $17 an album in the secular world, and I am not in a position to be spending 70-90 shekel on an album.
This doesn’t mean I pirate, it simply means that I’ve stopped buying new music from the stores until the prices come back down. I will still buy from artists directly, such as at concerts. In EY, most artists sell their albums at significant discounts at concerts.
Drinking among teens in public needs to become socially unacceptable. It’s dangerous, and it’s often not legal. This isn’t to say that among teens in private is ok, but in private it doesn’t have implied social consent as it does when nobody says anything at a kiddush.
This isn’t to say we should drive it underground. Addressing underground activities is a different story, one that relates more to education, parenting and trust than to public behavior.
As a teenager a friend of mine was hit by an errant driver and he went down headfirst (I don’t recall if it was into the pavement or into the car). The helmet broke, he survived with bumps and bruises (possibly a concussion). It’s not a joke and it’s not optional for parents or for kids. Every rav out there has already paskened. Wear a helmet.
First off, take a breath. I know it’s a very hard time, but it also important to keep yourself sane.
I would start by finding someone who really knows what they are talking about. This could be someone from his yeshiva, it could be someone like R’ Horowitz, anyone from Our Place or Madraigos. You are not alone and there is help available.
Finally, daven, daven and daven. Love him unconditionally. Good luck.
Moving to and from EY are topics to be discussed with one’s family and rabbanic leadership. I know people who had to leave due to financial hardship, but BH since moving here last summer we have had our share of good mazel from HKBH – I landed with a solid job, have better sedarim outside of work, and the yeshiva situation thus far appears to be fantastic and a fraction of the price.
While they could have been accommodating, they are well within their right to act as they did. Whether it’s Adventureland, Disney World or Great Adventures, theme parks are universally expensive and universally (as far as I know) require that all those entering pay admissions. Some parks also charge for parking.
If this is too much of a financial burden, there are a number of beautiful alternative activities that are free including many NYS parks with stunning hikes, picnic areas and the like.
Whichever way you take this story, the bottom line is that gedolim started out like you or me, which is to say that we have the potential.
On that note, I went to sports games (Mets games) with my Rebbe when I was already in beis medrash. He was a big fan and enjoyed the occasional break (once or twice a season). Not everyone has to hold themselves to the level of a gadol, and we cannot disparage people for not taking on all of the ma’alos of gedolim.
When I was in the parsha my friend’s sister had the same issue. After speaking with friends who had met her, the issue was that she was too self-aware, not smiling, being overly outgoing or never adding to the conversation, etc. The key for most guys I spoke with was just to be able to conduct an enjoyable conversation. I don’t know what the drivers are here, but these are some issues that came up back then.