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BS”D
I want the diet for myself – I’m not thin! Diet Dr Pepper is OK for me too and even better – that is kosher AFAIK but we have only regular here not diet.
Can The Irish Trust Fund bring some Guinness? I can bring it but the price here for it is wild even after the currency was devalued :(.
BS”D
I am saying that they DO VERY MUCH want to see a Sefardi PM in E”Y (so do I and let it be Eli Yishai from Sha”S but Moshiach will come long before Eli Yishai or any other true ben Torah becomes PM of the medine!) and where they go wrong is to think that Obama’s victory is the same situation for the US and therefore something good – they think of it all in racial terms and do not understand why we Jews who grew up in the US are afraid for the future.
BS”D
oh – all that is on condition that someone bring me at least six litres of Diet Pepsi – I stopped holding by Diet Coke because of a real or imagined psak by Rav Landa shlita about Coke outside of E”Y. We have German Pepsi Max here but it is mamash like drinking antifreeze with gas.
BS”D
Not sure if this is a suggestion or a question – are there any clear posting rules on the site? If not can we have some particularly for the joke and convo sections? Thanks and yasher koiach!
BS”D
Your Friday noon is my Shabbos dinner so I will send:
100 baked chickens
30 kilos of rice
50 liters of tehina
75 challas
and of course:
a barrel of Nemirov Currant horilka (Ukrainian vodka), complete with an OU – and a barrel of kosher Georgian wine (OK mevushal)!
BS”D
Funny you say that because in my community all of the foreigners except me are from E”Y and they think of Obama the way they would think of a Sefardi becoming prime minister of E”Y – way past time and something to be proud of. Some of the local Jews think the same way – mostly the students with nothing to lose as opposed to my fellow businessmen who are suffering and know that if the US goes down we can all sink.
They don’t understand US politics and they don’t realize I am opposed to him because I remember Carter and it is his policies and not his origins that bother me – already he looks like another Carter with his request that EY should open the borders of Gaza. I don’t agree with a lot of what Condoleeza Rice and Colin Powell did when in office but I would probably have voted absentee – a BIG tircha that would cost me $400 and 2 days time – for either one of them had they run on either party.
But are you OK today Syrian? Some of your posts today were kind of hard to understand (and now this which I assure you is not the case – I am a Lubavitcher and no one dislikes me here even though some people here undoubtedly have differences with Chabad or their perception of it), like you are tired or distracted – but that doesn’t mean they are reason for anyone to dislike you chas vesholom.
BS”D
I have no problem revealing my personal info. I am none other than Lipa Schmeltzer in disguise and if you believe that one, I sell you a bridge in New Square it go from the men side to the vyber side of the street on Monday and Wednesday and the vyber side of the street to the men side of the street on Tuesday and Thursday. On Friday, Shabbos and Sunday it stop in the middle from the road….
BS”D
or an even better ending…”Ah, yes, when you said that even the homemade stuff wasn’t strong enough for you, I remembered I had another Jewish tourist with a long beard and a hat like yours and when he complained I called the rabbi and he said that concentrated bleach from the hardware store is kosher and the closest thing we have to the 96% your people drink!”
BS”D
Well, Syrian, if it is any consolation most of the regular posters seem to like you (or your online persona LOL). I quickly figured out a pattern to my rejected posts and I avoid those particular subjects for jokes here – see if you can also find a pattern to yours.
BS”D
2/3 of this story is true but dramatized – let’s see who can figure out which 2/3:
When I was in Casablanca, Morocco I wanted to try mahia (sometimes confused with arak), the local Jewish fig brandy. As Morocco is Muslim, it is usually kept behind the counter especially as the bottles have a Magen Dovid and a hechsher on them.
I went to the grocery store nearest to the shul and asked for a bottle. I was duly presented with a few different brands, all about 40% alcohol. I tried each one and frankly, they were all shvache maases with a bit of a kerosene taste.
The next morning, I went to buy some fruit at the same grocer and he asked me how I liked the mahia. I told him the truth, that I expected more alcohol and a drier taste from stories older Moroccan Jews abroad told me (the Moroccans are very respectful of Jews and truly miss those who left). He then gave me the address of an illegal home distiller whom he called ahead so that the distiller would know I was not an inspector. I bought 2 liters of his moonshine, which was supposedly 90% alcohol but did not seem that way to me.
The next morning I went back to get my breakfast of fruit, and I thanked the grocer but told him I really wanted something even stronger. He was a bit irritated but still he called yet another number and then gave me the address of this fellow written in Arabic so I could give it to the taxi driver as well as a piece of paper to hand to him.
This address turned out to be a hardware store on the other end of town. I handed the paper to the owner, and he took out a large white jug and poured part of the contents into an old glass liter Coke bottle, charging me surprisingly little for the stuff. That night I tried some and really enjoyed it. But, as you will see, I experienced an odd reaction…
So again I went to the grocer the next morning to thank him and to buy my morning fruit. This time I told him I really liked it but that I was wearing a black djellaba (native Moroccan robe similar to that which the Baba Sali ZYA wore) and apparently I was perspiring a lot all night – and when I woke up the djellaba had turned pure white!
He said: “Ah, you were the one I sent to Ahmed’s hardware store yesterday! So happy I could help – my mahia and even my friend’s mahia were not strong enough for you so I knew you would like his concentrated lemon flavor bleach!”
BS”D
Which reminds me of why I do not and will not own a Dell.
I went back to the US for 2 years in 05-07 and the first thing I needed to do was to buy a computer. I had a hard disk drive with me from Russia and wanted to install it in the new machine myself and was worried about the warranty:
Dell service in India: Hello, my name is Sam (my first thought – no, I know your name is Rajesh but who cares). How may I help you?
Me: I want to buy the Dell Dimension whatever model it was but I have a question about the warranty.
Sam (before I have a chance to finish): Yes, we have very good warranty curry flavored with lamb.
Me: continuing: I have a disk drive of my own that I would like to install once I get the computer. May I do it without voiding the warranty?
Sam: Ah, our disk drives are protected and lubricated with my grandmother’s magic vindaloo paste>
Me (slightly fed up): No, Sam, I want to know if I void the warranty by opening the case and installing my own backup disk drive, not what flavors of disk drive you offer.
Sam: Ah, so you would like my grandmother’s recipe for vindaloo. Well, you take curry powder, muriatic acid, a leg of lamb and some yogurt and cook them all together on high flame for three hours.
Me (by then realizing Dell has no service but trying again anyway): Sam, I make my own vindaloo because I can’t eat lamb and milk together. But I am asking about warranties, not vindaloo.
Sam: Ah, well, have a nice day, sir. Today our cafe serves only vindaloo made with lamb and yogurt. Maybe tomorrow we serve disk drive vindaloo.
Me: Sam, thank you very much for your help but I will make my own vindaloo and get an H-P (which I did and their Indian service dept was great and even helped me take care of something that was my own fault and involved my foolhardy use of trial software). The Dell clowns also approved me for credit but never sent me their card or any other papers.
Sam: Thank you for calling Delhi Vindaloo Cafe – I mean Dell Customer Service.
Me (to myself)..now how do you say schlemiel in Hindu again…..Bye-bye, Sam!
BS”D
Hashem created the shell that way so that human beings, who are tachlis habriyah, could easily find a way to open it and therefore make the nutrients and taste of the pistachio easily accessible. This has nothing to do with careless, amoral evolution and the survival of the fittest.
(It is interesting that when Khomeini YMS took over in Iran, which I remember very well, the US pistachio supply was not interrupted for very long as first California and then I believe Turkey took up the slack).
BS”D
SyrianSephardi:
From Teenager’s posts, I have no idea what her relationship is with her parents or how strict they are in their practices. As I really want to see if I can find her someone who can help, I will look at them more closely tomorrow before Shabbos B”N.
Teenager:
I can’t promise anything but if you would like to communicate with someone via the Internet I will try to find you that someone who can help. I don’t want you to reveal your location to me; I’d rather find you someone online and then perhaps that person will know someone locally who can help (or perhaps Hashem will guide me to someone who turns out to live a few hundred meters away from you).
Does the person have to davka be from the same segment of frumkeit/same community that you are from? I am a Lubavitcher (of the very “chassidish” type) but I am less than 2 degrees of separation from Yidden all over the spectrum especially when it comes to people who can elevate the communications technology that Hashem revealed by using the Internet and phone/messenger software to help others.
Regarding the staring, I am speaking about ehrliche guys.
However, I have also met decent frum men who have a big yetzer when it comes to staring and the like and even making comments. Pay them no attention; it is their yetzer at work and they rarely act on this in any way. Sometimes it is just hard for a man or bochur to avoid looking – if it bothers you and occurs in a particular situation such as chassunes or restaurants/pizza shops/shopping on your local main street then perhaps it is best for you to be in a group and not alone when in that situation.
(again I am in very dangerous territory) If you are considered very attractive and the staring bothers you, much as I hate to say it, perhaps avoid makeup and jewelry or wear shapeless clothing of the sort you would wear at home or to the gym so as to avoid any unpleasant eye contact. The message you will then be conveying is that you don’t want anyone looking at you and that you want to be ignored. In that case also choose glasses over contacts if you need eye correction (which you should do anyway if you are active in any way be it sports, cooking or manual hobbies. I had a mishap with Liquid-Plumr before Pesach a couple of years ago and I would have lost my right eye if I had not taken my Rebbe’s advice and gone ahead and worn contacts – instead all that happened is that I damaged the coating on my old right eyeglass lens).
But do not think every man is a potential abuser; I can’t imagine what you have gone through and can therefore understand your fear and lack of comfort, but not every man is a menuval.
Again I wish you the best and I would like to help in some small way if I can.
BS”D
Syrian – it is not that they don’t like you, it is that they are consistent in enforcing the rules. And that is what makes this board so good – there is no selective enforcement, and we have no idea who the mods are and if they also post as members.
True confessions: I had three jokes for the Humorous Items rejected. And given the high standards here (and the concern for young people who are on the board), I understand why they did not pass even though I’d tell them to my rov and many other rabbonim whom I know “morgen in der frih” (in fact I think I already told one of them in a community shiur…:))
BS”D
Hmmmm….is there a rebbetzin, perhaps a baalas tshuva or someone who went through yesurim herself and overcame them, who you can speak to? Indeed, most organizations have trouble dealing with someone who does not fit their usual profile because they have already assisted hundreds of people fitting that profile and have never really helped anyone like you (even if they would really like to be there for everyone). But somewhere, usually outside the organizations, there is someone you can speak to who can help you and guide you from ahavas Yisroel and a sense of identifying with you.
OK now I am going into tough territory and I hope I am handling this right (I have done some volunteer counseling myself online and semi-anonymously so I have some experience especially as I myself was off for a long time):
If you are bothered by people staring at you, ask yourself why.
If you think that they know you and see you as strange and different because you went off, and you are now sincere about coming back, pay them no attention and just think that they are rude and crude. (Reminds me of a not so polite rhyme/song I made up about real or imaginary people who don’t like the fact that I wear a full beard which was really about not being ashamed of keeping the mitzvos behiddur…I won’t share it here b/c it would be censored LOL).
If you are being stared at because of your dress and you feel ready to return to the right path, be triply careful about tznius.
Then you can say to yourself that if someone is staring at you, it is because you are a good example and that his reason for staring is a good one.
Hate to make this public, but ALL guys notice girls at some time – we can’t always keep our heads down or out to the road/wall because we occasionally have to cross busy streets and we have to pay attention to pedestrians when driving. But a good guy will look at a girl who is improperly dressed and, if she is Jewish and known to be same, pity her and not think much of her except that she has fallen. On the other hand, when a nice guy sees a nicely and properly dressed girl especially nowadays when girls are not as careful as they should be, his thoughts are not improper – he thinks, hmmm…someone is doing what she should and is a good example (and if he knows who you are he may just have a shidduch for you LOL).
BS”D
Kapusta – as for your haimishe stuff labeled in Spanish it is because of NAFTA and similar agreements where it pays for a haimish firm like Gefen or Lieber to make a supervised run in a Latin American country (especially in Argentina where there are mashgichim already living there).
And back on topic:
The shadchan says: “He speaks Spanish fluently”. He means: “He is from South America, overstayed his student visa, doesn’t speak anything but Spanish and is just looking for an American girl so he can stay in the US legally.”
BS”D
LOL I fell for this one; I knew there was a well known Torah personality named Carlebach (from Chaim Berlin???) but I did not know that his first name was Shlomo. There are several Carlebach families, all related and all related to the musical performer, and the name Shlomo is found across the families.
Years ago, the head of computer sales at 47th St Photo was a Lubavitcher chossid named Shlomo Carlebach. At the time I was starting my business and shopped there quite often for office equipment and I’d constantly hear the name Shlomo Carlebach over the PA system. One day I asked the salesman who was serving me if they could also page Mordechai ben David and Avraham Fried so we could have a concert.
BS”D
You should not be struggling alone (and of course you are never alone because Hashem is with you all the time). But is there someone you can reach out to in “real” life? Of course we are all here for you but you can probably find someone to talk to in confidence, either in person, or by phone or messenger software.
Where are you located? In a large community or are you one of a few frum people where you live?
BS”D
In Teheran, a man got drunk and ran around the center of the city yelling “The Islamic Republic is a failure! Ahmadinejad is an idiot!”
He was duly sentenced to 40 lashes, amputation of both hands, and 50 years’ imprisonment.
The 40 lashes were for disorderly conduct, the double amputation was for consumption of alcohol in public, and the imprisonment was for revealing state secrets.
BS”D
The famous local anti-atheism joke from Soviet times:
A teacher tells her class that there is no G-d (CV”S) because you cannot see, hear, or feel G-d.
A secretly frum student pipes up and says: “Teacher, we can’t see, hear or feel your intellect either! Does that mean it does not exist?”
and another Soviet classic:
A Jewish stooge for the KGB sees an old Jewish man sitting on a bench, learning Hebrew. He tells the old man: “You old fool, you’re way too old to emigrate to Israel. Stop wasting your time!”
The old man replies: “Ah, yes, but now I am old and I am on my way to Gan Eden, and I heard they speak Hebrew there!”
To which the KGB agent scoffs: “Maybe you are going to Gehennom?”
And the old man replies: “Well, in that case, I already speak Russian!”
BS”D
Gefen is a brand name owned by Kedem and usually under the supervision of the Volover Rov and either the OU or OK.
New Square – the dayan of New Square certifies several brands. Still, potato starch is not cream of tartar.
BS”D
Spanish? Never mind – what about Ebonics?
True story. I was walking on the Upper West Side of Manhattan years ago and passed a scene where someone had had a seizure and was being improperly assisted by an amateur and pestered by rubberneckers. This was before cell phones; I pulled the lever on the nearby call box to call EMS (911) and got an Ebonics speaking operator. She did not understand one word I said! I got totally confused trying to explain things to her, and one of the rubberneckers who spoke Ebonics had to take over speaking to the operator!
BS”D
HUH? Potato starch sold as cream of tartar? That’s a federal offence in the US unless the bottle is clearly labeled as a cream of tartar subsitute. Pls recheck the bottle.
Maybe the potato starch is added to keep it from coagulating and it is davka used so that the cream of tartar is kasher lepesach.
Yes it is expensive – I do remember paying $3 or so for a small box of OU certified cream of tartar years ago.
BS”D
Return the uncrackable ones to the store for a refund (if you buy them by weight).
BS”D
The problem is that while the motivation is sincere, I don’t see the chumra because it is based on a mistaken understanding of how cream of tartar is made.
Seems to me that there is no such thing as commercial non-kosher cream of tartar. Only way you could get non-kosher cream of tartar is from a non-Jewish amateur winemaker who improperly makes his own cream of tartar and then the stuff probably wouldn’t work for making play-dough or icing or anything else.
BS”D
The question is whether there is any NON kosher cream of tartar, and therefore whether making your own play-dough is even necessary.
Unless someone has another source, it seems that the information from R’ Berel Levy A”H is correct and that cream of tartar is kosher.
Again, there is NO WAY the small kosher winemaking industry could produce enough cream of tartar even to fill all those McCormick, Gefen and Frontier Herbs boxes.
To us, Kedem seems like a huge company but in the great scheme of things, their output is not very large. The amount of cream of tartar they, the Israeli firms, and the French, Australian and South African runs could produce would not be enough to account for all the cream of tartar out there that is kosher. The rest comes from non kosher wine production and because it is so heavily processed it does not have the din of grape products from what I understand of the information I linked to.
BS”D
Yes, just wear a 2nd yarmulke or even a napkin under your yarmulke better than missing a minyan because you have no hat. And if the minyan doesn’t accept that chas vesholom and does not count you (as opposed to not letting you have the amud but if you need the amud just about anyone would lend you their hat in a normal Chassidish or yeshivish minyan) then why would you want to daven in the Sdoimer Shtibl anyway?
BS”D
Speaking of following the Goldberg’s and them following azi, there is one Goldbergs I wish would have followed me out here – Goldbergs 24 hour grocery on 18th Avenue!
azl – if you are following them in Dveykus, you’re both way, way behind the times. The rest of us are into Shwekey, Yeedle, Yisroel Werdyger, YBC and of course Lipa!
BS”D
When the shadchan says: “He spends all his spare time doing chessed and helping the community” he means: “He was sentenced to 5000 hours community service!”
When the shadchan says: “She takes very good care of herself and is very health-conscious” he means: “She’s a hypochondriac who takes 100 different pills a day for imaginary conditions that don’t even exist!”
When the shadchan says: “He’s built big, like a cuddly bear” he means: “He weighs 300 pounds and has the appetite and personality of a grizzly bear!”
When the shadchan says: “Her family is independently wealthy” he means “Her father is a fugitive from the FBI and lives abroad but he sends her some money here and there!”
When the shadchan says: “He’s very, very frum and really goes out of his way to spread Yiddishkeit even when it is not easy for him” he means “He’s part of the Neturei Karta wannabes and he goes to every anti-Israel demonstration even if it is on Shabbos!”
When the shadchan says: “She lives in a beautiful house with the best soft leather furniture you could imagine” he means “She lives in a padded cell in the beis mishegoyim!”
BS”D
Three men get arrested in Zimbabwe – a Colombian drug dealer, a Bensonhurst mafioso, and lehavdil a bochur doing kiruv work. All are sentenced to death after a kangaroo trial.
Before the execution, each one is asked for his last wishes.
The Colombian asks to be buried in his native village in Colombia. His wish is granted.
The mafioso asks to have his remains sent back so he can be buried next to his beloved former boss, John Gotti. His wish is granted.
The bochur says: “I want to be buried next to the great liberator of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe!”
The executioner says: “Mugabe? He’s not dead yet?”
The bochur says: “That’s OK – I’ll wait!” as he runs to safety.
BS”D
Sadly most of the zoos I have been to in the US are outdoor non-enclosed zoos which feature two-legged vilde chayes. There is an enclosed zoo in DC called Congress which has 400 and something 2 legged behemas when it is in session.
Or as we used to say before Giuliani – the most dangerous vilde chayes in the Bronx Zoo have 2 legs.
BS”D
Yanky Gross got a job as a mouthwash salesman as soon as he had to support his wife, and during his first week on the job, he managed to sell 5000 bottles of mouthwash, a major sales record.
His boss asked him: Yanky, how did you do it?
He explained as follows: “Well, you see, it is very simple. I stood out on 13th Ave and 50th St at Mincha time with a container of month old chopped liver and asked everyone if they wanted a free sample. When just about everyone tasted it they told me it tastes like it’s at least a month old – FEH!” So I would tell them – FEH! It is mamash a month old, you know and it was sitting outside all this time – so maybe you want a bottle of mouthwash for a dollar you should wash out your mouth and not get sick!!!”
BS”D
In my case, as soon as I could I left the US where standards in my particular community were sinking and moved to a smallish kiruv community where people are growing instead of falling.
I can’t stay here “full time” for personal reasons and lack of basic infrastructure so I plan to establish residence in a smaller community in E”Y where I also know that I have to be an example, while continuing to maintain a business and personal presence here.
I am not knocking people who stay in large communities like Brooklyn or Monsey, especially because unlike most of you I have no frum family keeping me anywhere, but at least for me being in a place where dressing as I do means that I really stand out and therefore have to strive to be the same inside as outside and where the nearest milchig kosher pizza is a plane ride to E”Y (or perhaps Vienna) away is a great way of making sure I am “a trend setter in avoidas Hashem”.
BS”D
No one can accuse me of being anything but right wing – but I see the cream of tartar as a non issue based on what I found from Rabbi Berel Levy A”H. I’d also have problems using ANY porous table that has not been covered and that has had hot non-pareve food spilled on it unless it was known to have been used only for meat OR milk and that is what was spilled. (Besides, forget about getting a shidduch for your child unless you cover your table with a proper tablecloth so we assume all tables in the haimishe velt are covered!)
There is NO way that the kosher wine industry could produce enough cream of tartar for a large company like McCormick to be able to sell mass market quantities of it as kosher, let alone for it to be used in many mass market products that have reliable kosher supervision.
Has anyone in the US ever seen cream of tartar without a hechsher? Does Gefen or Lieber’s or any other haimishe firm package it with a haimishe hashgocho?
BS”D
Was Rav Blumenkrantz ZT”L Chassidish? I don’t believe so – I think he was trying to cover all bases and make his guide useful for all. Problem is that in some situations people did not read his disclaimers and instead followed his advice to the letter.
BS”D
General Schmooze is fighting against General Electric for control of the kugel supply in the General Purpose room of the shul.
BS”D
Veyatziv – LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!
You mean my neighbor Shprintze on the other side of the street whose husband is rosh koilel in Otisville for the next 17 years?
BS”D
A few years ago, there was a road race. The contestants were the late Christopher Reeve, the Tooth Fairy, and a Palestinian.
Who won? Reeve, of course. There is no such thing as either the Tooth Fairy or a Palestinian!
BS”D
As for cream of tartar, here is what Rabbi Levy A”H, the founder of the OK, has to say on the matter:
http://www.okkosher.com/Content.asp?ID=167
Given how readily available cream of tartar with a hechsher was the last time I checked in the US, it seems that most or all of it is kosher as you can’t possibly get commercial quantities from kosher wineries. Either that or it is no longer made davka from wine leftovers.
BS”D
But in all seriousness, most tables are covered with tablecloths and the worst that would happen would be that the tablecloth would have to be laundered. Otherwise you have a problem to begin with at least in theory because if you have a table with a porous surface that you use, uncovered, for meat and milk, you run into all sorts of problems.
BS”D
Mrs Beautiful:
You forgot the Ku Klutz Karta man who uses the Israeli flag to take the fly out, dumps his coffee, burns the flag, and keeps the fly.
BS”D
Thanks for this important information; I will have to tell this to my neighbor Yachne who makes play-dough kugel for any and all unwanted guests who come to her house. She has some really great yichus – she is a direct descendant of one of the Sdoimim who somehow left before the Twin Cities became salt deposits.
BS”D
Ames – yes that is what I mean. Isn’t it partially true? For instance the famous pre-Nasser department stores in Cairo were owned by the Douek and Ades families who originated in Halab.
BS”D
Sorry I did not get around to the post about Ashkenazim of Sefardi heritage – hope to do it on Thursday if not next Sunday.
Wasn’t there a huge wave of Jews from Egypt in 1956 when Nasser YMS took over? Most Egyptian Jews are from Halab or from other parts of the Ottoman Empire originally. Cairo and Alexandria were very welcoming places for Jews and foreigners until Arab nationalism took over.