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itsallyourfaultMember
aries2756: I don’t think I did anything particularly wrong when I was going out with her, there are some things I would have done differently but nothing major. I understand what you are saying about not trying to force things, I’m not looking at it as if I have to go out with her again and then everything is going to be perfect and we’ll get married, although that would be nice. I am thinking that it is possible that the problem is just a misunderstanding or possibly that she just wasn’t ready (there is a good reason for me to think both of these) and that if I go about it properly it can only be a good thing. If she says no at least I did my part and she would know how I feel and that alone would make me feel better. I know that if it’s meant to be it will be and if not not, as long as I do my part.
As far as changing to please someone, I’m very honest about who I am and I’m not going to change but I think (hope) it’s possible that marrying someone “better” than me would make me better in some ways. Does that not happen?
Thanks for the advice
itsallyourfaultMember“That is very true. I wouldn’t want to be responsible for preventing a shidduch from coming about. Maybe the best idea is to speak to a mentor you trust, to whom you can tell all the details, so they can get a clear picture of the situation and help figure out what’s best.”
Don’t worry about it, I’m not going to base my decisions entirely on advice of anonymous posters, I would definitely discuss with someone I trust.
itsallyourfaultMember“But I still maintain that you should have a valid reason to think she may change her mind before putting her (and you) through the pain of considering it again, since obviously there is a reason she said no the first time around.”
That’s the hard part, thanks for the advice.
itsallyourfaultMember“First of all, if I were itsallyourfault I would change my username before getting into a marriage situation.”
I could always change it to “itsallmyfault” but honestly the username is not reflective of my attitude, it’s kind of a joke.
“Also, when you say “They seem to be compatible hashkafah wise and they get along well” are you sure that it is not just that “they get along well” and that is why they “SEEM to be compatible hashkafah wise”?”
The reason I used the word “seem” is that there is no way to know for sure if the other person is being honest or just agreeable. That said, I don’t think that’s the case here b/c there are some details that I left out of the story for privacy reasons that make it “seem” like something else was bothering her which could be a reason not to go out again but also could be just a misunderstanding. Anyway, there is no way to know for sure without asking.
itsallyourfaultMemberAgain, I appreciate all the advice, I’m going to wait a little longer before doing anything, I’m just not quite ready yet. It definitely helps to know that I have the option when I’m ready, sometimes the dating “rules” can be very confusing.
itsallyourfaultMember“Whoopee! Does that mean I also get a cut?”
Getting a little ahead of yourself there aren’t you?
itsallyourfaultMemberNY MOM, you give good advice, Thank You.
BP Totty, that would be difficult b/c the shadchan was a family member, but you actually gave me a good idea that I probably shouldn’t post here, thank you.
itsallyourfaultMemberartchill, Of course I would prefer to say what I want in person or over the phone but wouldn’t that be harder for her? So what would you say to do, tell the shaddchan what I think and trust them to tell it to her properly?
itsallyourfaultMemberThanks for all the answers, I’ll probably think about it for a while longer but assuming I decide to try it again, I have a small point I’m not sure about.
I know there’s a thin line between going with your gut and being a creep, so I figure I should not contact her directly. On the other hand I feel like if I just had a shaddchan ask her if she wants to go out again without being able to explain my reasoning there’s no reason to think that she would say yes. If there’s one thing I learned from this it’s that the more people involved in a shidduch the more confused everyone gets. Would it make sense to ask the shaddchan to see if it would be ok to send her a message via email or something like that?
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