Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
I’m blown away that this happened before and even during the three weeks.
“If two people have comparable worldviews, envision their lives similarly enough, find each other physically attractive, and value the other person’s life experiences, then that ought to be good enough to make a shiddukh”
Couldn’t agree more. When I spoke to the shadchan I didn’t tell her a thing of what I wanted. I instead told her ‘this is who i am, this is what I’ve done, this is where I’m headed and this is why I want to get there. Given what I’ve told you about me, I am looking for someone who I can best help fulfill his future and who can best help fulfill mine’
Thank god I don’t have any eye sores on my body but I still am I humiliated whenever the Mikva lady looks before I give the okay. If the Mikva lady understood that her job there is for safety and to ensure that the women tovel properly and NOT to check out the other women, there shouldn’t be any raised eyebrows.
” I am ok with minor use of makeup. I hope she wont need more than that anyway.”
You answered your own question.
Why are you looking long enough to notice how much makeup they’re wearing?
Better idea than hair spray on the face is to buy translucent powder and to apply it all over the face after applying makeup. Also Mac has a setting spray that you could spray on your face that’s inexpensive. You could do both but don’t use hair spray on the face. I don’t know what’s in it but must likely it’s extremely unhealthy and besides your face is left sticky.
It’s been a few years but I always was happier when there were comments. It felt like the teacher was on my team. And yes I did read them.
Wiy: ‘I think that people are afraid of broken engagements so they stay with someone they shouldn’t convincing themselves that all will be ok. Then they get divorced in shono rishona.’
I believe engagements are somewhat trial periods meaning if someone uncovers something truly horrendous it might warrant breaking it off. Once a person is married, however, one’s inadequacies become the other’s nisayon. Unless the other is abusive, marriage should be a no-take-backsies deal as MOST things can get worked out.
It would be foolish to pretend to be someone you’re not at least planning to be because then there’s no compatibility. If someone told the shadchan they don’t do something that they do, I would like to believe it’s because they’re working on it and are hoping to stop soon. There has to be trust and its on you to trust your spouse that if they misrepresented themself, it’s because they are working to change.
Either way singles should be aware that the person they marry is not going to be exactly the person they expected, either because the other didn’t accurately describe themself (for whatever reason) or because they chose to imagine something different from the reality.
Sm29: What are you suggesting a person should do when they find out post nuptials that their spouse is not as expected?
The gush Katie museum is right outside the shuk. It was good but tiny. Check out the lifta by knisa la’ir. it’s a pretty hike through an abandoned Arab village and there’s a pond and a little cave with water.
“Criticisms are stored forever; compliments evaporate instantly?”
I don’t agree that has anything to do with being female.
“Why is it that we women pick up on the slightest slur and never hear the good stuff?”
My father always says that the real reason women can’t learn Gemara is because we’ll hear an entirely hypothetical situation and we’ll find a way to take offense.
Maybe I’m wrong but it seems the posters here seem to be trying to find ways to understand the Torah given that evolution definitely happened instead of trying to understand evolution while using the Torah as the fact. G-d specifically told us what happened in the Torah, either you believe it or you don’t.
Bored: you can buy antiperspirants from superpharm or your corner Makolet.
A lot of the girls also have silly criteria. They view dating as more of a shopping list than as a means to find their partner for the future.
People here seem to forget that it’s kids we are talking about. The mother went and bought things for her KIDS. It’s very likely that for herself she was willing to get a junky pair of shabbos shoes but at least she wanted her kids to have nice shoes to be proud of when they visit their friends on shabbos afternoon. I did go to the gemach for a lot of my wardrobe when I was younger and I was always mortified when my friends would ask where I got my clothes. But I remember having a couple nice pairs of shabbos shoes when I was younger and I wore them with such pride. I also remember feeling really sad for the kids in the park shabbos afternoon in sneakers. I don’t think it’s so terrible that tzeddaka money should be given so kids can have nice things to wear on shabbos.
Just curious why are you asking what she should get you?
I’m not one for extra chumras but if i had to be in front of a group of men, especially 25000, i would definitely want to have my face covered.
batseven and oh shreck!: my entire post was just an elaboration on what I had posted earlier, although this is the clincher. “it is not a given that because he is a male and because she is a female that he automatically has a stronger yetzer hara than her.”
“men got torah as a tavlin for it and women dont- that should be a raayah.”
Women got tznius.
“thirdly, while women do have an emotional YH that men dont, that wasnt the topic of discussion”
Ill say it more explicitly since you misunderstood what I was saying. The male taayva is generally that they desire others whereas a woman’s taayva is to be desired.
It’s the same yetzer hara with equal intensity. The only difference is how men and women express it.
” i was specifically arguing that its acceptable to admit that men can have a stronger taaveh then women, and for some reason that went against someones equality standards, which is retarded.”
Because men walk around thinking they deserve the world coming to them for having morals. If it helps your ego I applaud you for being a good boy.
My point wasn’t to get her to lose weight. I had an eating disorder in high school and if I’d been told there are better ways to lose weight it’s likely I would’ve tried them.
If you’re in a relationship, at least to a certain extent, you are dependent on the other person for your happiness.
Toi: it is not a given that because he is a male and because she is a female that he automatically has a stronger yetzer hara than her. Furthermore, men and women may have an equally intense yetzer hara for the same thing, but for men it’s a purely physical drive while for women it’s mostly stemmed from emotional reasons.
Wiy it’s clear you’re not married.
There’s something else she’s doing wrong if when she eats a minute amount she doesn’t lose weight. She needs to see a proper allergist, dietician, any professional who can tell her what is happening in her body that causes her to bloat up like that. There are always healthy ways to lose weight and starving oneself is never an answer. It places her body in starvation mode so now everything she eats is converted directly to fat. She needs to speak to someone who will convince her that she’s being stupid and just making it more difficult for herself to lose weight.
Well said, PBA.
I live next-door to a church and I usually tune out the bells but this morning my husband started singing along. It was exactly the tune of Sholom Aleichem for Friday night.
” So even if evening the playing field were possible (which is doubtful), it would not solve the problem, it would just shift it to other girls.”
But if we could keep shifting it to younger and then to even younger girls instead of accepting that the older girls are continually left out (thereby getting older and having fewer options), we will have bought enough time to figure out a system where no one is left stranded (as the younger ones are still young enough for them not to have a problem).
You should definitely talk to them. They love you and want you to be happy and if you’re doing those things because you’re unhappy, perhaps they can help you figure out why. Just maybe don’t tell that hanging out with the other gender if you don’t want them chopping your friends legs off.
Ches, you asked me to clarify what I meant about where to find more boys without compromising on Halacha. My suggestion was to be more flexible about which guys our girls are willing to date by doing the following. Admittedly I haven’t put much thought into it but these were my suggestions: “Although learning full time is ideal, maybe the schools need to stop pushing it on the girls who can’t handle it.
There are many who say that there is a reverse crisis by the chassidim of there being too many guys. I don’t know if its true but being that its mentioned time and again, maybe there’s where our problem is. Perhaps we need to revamp our chinuch in order that we all become more accepting of other Jews.
I’m sure we will find wonderful boys deserving of our girls if we become less exclusive.”
I know girls whom after dating thirty guys still haven’t gotten married and I know guys who can’t seem to get dates. The vast, vast majority of girls have had their chance to get married, but unfortunately many haven’t found The One yet.
I don’t believe in the age crisis. Men have always married younger women and no one complained until recently.
There may be more older girls than guys but I don’t believe it’s a result of an age gap. I believe we would find the answer if we could create more tolerance for Jews unlike ourselves. (I’m not saying to compromise on Halacha, only hashkafa.)
Although learning full time is ideal, maybe the schools need to stop pushing it on the girls who can’t handle it.
There are many who say that there is a reverse crisis by the chassidim of there being too many guys. I don’t know if its true but being that its mentioned time and again, maybe there’s where our problem is. Perhaps we need to revamp our chinuch in order that we all become more accepting of other Jews.
I’m sure we will find wonderful boys deserving of our girls if we become less exclusive.
I find it traumatizing every time I have a bedika shaila. It’s likely not something I will ever feel okay with. Nothing to do with feminism, if I knew of a female who was qualified to deal with those shailos, I would feel way more comfortable than going to a man. Many women who choose to become yoatzot do so because of the discomfort in going to men for private shailos.
Modex:
here’s a similar example. A woman’s chiyuv in Limud Torah comes from encouraging her sons and husband to learn. But not every woman has the mazel of getting married as early as some others. Is a woman who only wants a kollel guy and hasn’t found her husband until much later held accountable for not fulfilling the chiyuv? Is she any less of a person in front of G-d?
If G-d expected you to give 100000 maaser each year, you would be earning a salary to justify giving away that amount. You will get the schar on what you give and we have no clue who earns more schar. By all means daven for more money but be real with yourself. Don’t fool yourself into thinking its because you want to buy your way into olam haba. G-d isn’t a cashier and even if you’ve fooled yourself G-d knows your true intentions.
I think the answer is that there is no blanket answer for everyone. Some couples will be ready on the first date and others will take months. However, unless it’s to do with nerves or previous baggage, I do think it might show something about compatibility if they can’t commit even after a few weeks.
zd +1
WIY why make it the school’s responsibility? Besides many bais yaakovs make plays for precisely that reason. They have practices scheduled for most of the long motzei shabbosim in order that the kids have a fun option so they’ll stay away from the hang outs.
A schools responsibility is chinuch, that’s it. It’s to teach what the Torah says in a way that sounds appealing. Also being that the students are in school for large portions of the day the school should be looking out for the emotional well being of the students. But that’s during school hours. They’re not a babysitting service like many parents seem to think.
That being said if parents don’t want their kids to do xyz they should be proactive in preventing it. Merely forbidding something won’t result in any change. The parents gave birth to their children so its their responsibility. If a parent doesn’t want to entertain their kids they can find something for their kids to do, like a chug or something like that. When I was younger my parents would take us on drives
Or at least have something interesting for us to do on motzei shabbos so we weren’t roaming the streets.
Gamanit if no one in Israel aside from family members had text it’s still worth it to have the option.
I gained by getting a smartphone because i now pay significantly less for my data plan than I did in America and my plan includes unlimited everything. Also a smartphone with unlimited data automatically comes with an American line because there’s a free app that has a free American number with free incoming calls and free texting. It would be so much harder to live here if I couldn’t text the states because with the time difference and people’s work schedules it’s really difficult to find time to talk.
If the kids had better alternatives (ie. like parents going on family outings motzei shabbos) they wouldn’t be chilling in the pizza shops. Banning without alternatives won’t result in any positive reform. It will just birth rebellion in these kids who were simply acting out of boredom.
“There are kids who text on Shabbos but otherwise keep Shabbos because they have to text.”
No, they text on shabbos bec they don’t believe it holds any significance. Take people who are addicted to smoking but do value shabbos. The vast vast majority would never smoke on shabbos. Talk to the kids who text on shabbos, usually their problems are more with emunah and judaism than with texting.
It’s beautiful that your family life improved but for those who do interact with their spouses despite the phone, it is sometimes a wonderful convenience. For instance just yesterday the dr needed me to fax something. Being that i don’t have a fax machine or a scanner he suggested I take a picture with my smartphone and email it instead. I can think of many ways that my smartphone has improved my life but you are correct that one needs to be careful that it doesn’t become an addiction.
The Halacha I learned was that its not assur unless one can see a tefach above the knee and the reason we have to cover the knees is a geder to ensure we don’t come close to where its assur. If you get me a source I will call the school and ask them for their source.
” That he did in fact inquire, indicates he cares deeply enough about it”
It’s actually more likely that he has reason to believe that she doesn’t dress tzanua and he wanted to know if its true. A greasy boy would never ask because he knows no one would set him up with a girl who even dressed borderline.
As an aside she may be trying to dress tzanua which is something that Gefen could say, but it is unlikely that she would want to marry someone who won’t let her dress as she wants. Personally I would say exactly as it is. ‘Depends on your standards. Sometimes her knees are showing and sometimes her skirts are tight.’ It’s not lashon hara to describe how she dressed in public but its not your place to say she’s not dressed halachic when you don’t know all the leniencies involved.
Brony people posted sources here. Go to page 2.
http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/tznius-in-brooklyn
Brony, and I say this with love, you really need to get your head out of the gutter.
You’re not the homeowner. Why do you care?
you should watch the video i told you watch. the link is toward the beginning of the last page. it should hopefully be comforting.
Rabbi wannabe what’s the source? I wanna look it up
Call retorno. He’s not a candidate for rehab but at least they can give you direction
DY: so you’re afraid of individuality. Your kids and going to be their own person and will need to find themselves. The more you try to protect your children by making it seem that catastrophe will break loose if they would have even a weeny exposure to anything else, the more the everything else becomes enticing. If you’re a good role model they will want to be like you and no exposure from classmates can change that.
Another benefit is that no matter how much you have educated yourselves, during childbirth your head isn’t fully there and if the dr recommends something that is in his best interest and bad for you (ie for insurance purposes, because he’s lazy, etc) the doula will make sure your needs come first. Also, if you want to go naturally, the doula teaches techniques how to make it go as smoothly as possible and will be there with the woman to keep her calm. If your wife is pushing for a doula get it for her.
This is probably kefira
“Even if the school were able to enforce their official no phone policy, am I not correct for not wanting to have my children surrounded by friends whose topic of discussion is total (and I mean by anyone here’s standards) shmutz? Is this what R’ Aron Leib was referring to as gaavah?”
Yes. He said that too. Watch it again.
Kids go off because they want to. They don’t go off because a kid in their class influenced them. A kid who isn’t looking to go off isn’t going to start because some kid in his class (even a friend) is rebellious. When a kid wants to go off they start looking for like-minded friends and they subsequently influence each other. You can blame the other kid when all the while it was your child’s choice.