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Torah and Chevron: Is your protest simply against men who search for a trophy wife? Or do you take offense on any man who requests an attractive wife. Do you not think it is important that your husband find you beautiful?
“do u rly thunk hashem will ask youhow did u do in math? No Moshe rabbinu avrohom yaakov yitzchak etc didn’t learn math and I guarantee u that therein the best place!!!!”
Moshe built the mishkan…not sure how he could’ve done the measurements without some grasp of math.
Hashem will not ask you how you did in math but it is likely you will be asked if you tried your best. But if you’re getting physically sick from the stress, chances are you’re doing too much.
“I just re-read an article that said, “One year or two years in the off-the derech lifestyle pretty much guarantees a point of no return.” Do you think this is true? We are getting close to the 1 year mark where my son started to hang out with a ‘bad’ crowd, which eventually resulted in him not wanting to finish school. I know the sooner they come back, the better, but is there really a point of no return?”
That’s a nice theory but not true in the overwhelming majority of cases. Kids can be off for four to five years and still usually come back. Just keep doing what you’re doing and it WILL work out eventually. He’s still 17 and immature enough to not think too much about the consequences of his choices. He needs to grow up before you can expect more from him. He may or may not live the same hashkafa as the way he was raised but he will choose to live a life as a normal accomplishing adult, almost definitely within a frum framework.
What is the source for the law that states that one cannot get a job if they don’t serve?
How’d kimchis comb her hair for the mikva if it was always covered?
“Shaving one’s hair could explain a Gemara that Kimhi merited to have 7 sons be Cohanim Gedolim in the Beis HaMikdash”
That’s very nice but some of them must have died young if they were all Kohanim Gedolim and there can only be one at a time….
I was told that the reason was originally instigated to protect the woman and only afterward did they come up with all the reasons stated above. According to what I was told, it was started as a result of the pogroms. In a pogrom, the gentiles would try raping the women but when they would remove a woman’s turban and discover her head was shaven, they would sometimes be turned off.
Maybe the chilonim would be more tolerant if there was less burning up garbage cans.
“I think this is a typical example of a parent being a hypocrite. Then they wonder why there kids don’t trust them?!”
It’s an entirely different situation. OP was more-or-less taking a poll, something which is generally done of anonymous strangers. On the other hand, she was asking if it’s healthy and wise to take life-altering advice from a stranger who knows almost nothing about you.
It’s nothing to do with insecurity. Women wear them because they like how the shoes look and because they like how they look in the shoes.
“Instead:- Work on your Middos & make a go of your marriage…….Suppose your spouse is abusive?”
It only helps if both parties work on the marriage, not just the victim.
There are different forms of chemistry. For example one can feel connected, even if just through recognition of commonality, without having feelings of infatuation.
Not feeling anything after extended dating, but still taking it further, is taking a huge risk.
Janglo is a good place to check
I take it you got engaged?
I brought my keurig down to my rav’s house and asked him how to tovel it. he told me it doesn’t need to be toveled and he is generally very machmir.
show it to your rav if you want direction.
“but is it really so strange that I end up feeling sad for person #2 and my own feelings of pain/hurt lessen after hearing someone else’s problem?”
there’s a chazal or a rashi, don’t remember where it’s from but it says, “tzarat rabim chatzi nechama”. So no, you’re normal.
The level of your guilt depends on how easy it would gave been for your friend to get an alternative ride.
Just don’t do it again or you and your friends will do stupid, irreversable things before you know it.
They do it to prove to the girls that although being Jewish has some restrictions there are many kosher ways to have a good time, and also they don’t want you hanging out Saturday nights.
My high school also spent about 30 grand on their plays and they were happy on the years they broke even. They plays aren’t meant to be a moneymaker. The plays are meant to keep the girls happy.
“That is a good point however, I personally have workaholic tendencies, so it is a different story”
That’s awesome! So it shouldn’t be hard for you to work!
“I can’t spend so much time working that I don’t have a life. I don’t mind working during breaks”
It’s not a bad thing to make your own money. I would never have taken charity and I felt horrible that my parents spent so much on my tuition that I spent my entire year working and when I went back for shana bet I paid my own tuition. I worked during almost all my breaks almost every day of the week while my friends partied. To save money I didn’t eat out even though my friends did every day and I didn’t take inner-city busses except when it rained so it took me longer to get places. Believe it or not, I had the time of my life and I made loads of friends. Also, once my friends saw that I spent all my time working, a bunch of them started getting there own jobs too (and some of them came from very wealthy families and definitely didn’t need the money).
It’s an entirely different experience if you’re working. The people I worked for were the nicest people and I still keep up with some of them. Mainly though, it was a hugely growthful experience because I was sacrificing to be there.
My intention is not to talk about myself. My point is that I definitely recommend you doing everything you can to earn your own money instead of having to take from others.
Also, I’m not sure if you want to go there but Neve has an excellent tuition policy. It’s an on your honor policy meaning that you pay as much as you can and if you every have the money you pay them the rest.
From the way you describe yourself there are many seminaries that seem like they could have been right for you. In even the most left of the MO seminaries there are still mixes where you will find every kind of girl. Even if not, around winter vacation the girls begin changing and you’ll see some girls becoming more lax with the rules and you’ll see others who start to wear the four inches below the knee skirts.
I went to a very MO seminary and I remember whenever the girls would play non jewish music they would always ask everyone in the room if they were okay listening to non jewish music.
You never have to be like everyone else. Work on making the experience positive for yourself and you’ll see that there is so much to gain. Whether the other girls are too modern or too chumradik for your taste, you’ll see that when you start respecting them for who they are as people, instead of judging them, you will gain respect and friendship. My closest friends range from the most frum chassidish, to almost ‘greasy’ yeshivish, to not observant, and if you’re able to see the character inside, you can relate to everyone. I also knew barely anything about the pop culture (I lacked the interest) yet my friends were of the most secular ones in the seminary. You don’t have to know the background behind every conversation to be able to relate to the other girls.
You sound like you’ve been working hard to find a hashkafa and community where Judaism can work for you. But you also sound a little closeminded. Try to gain the good parts the seminary and the girls have to offer you instead of focusing on the bad. Also, I bet if you ask, the teachers will give you a halachik source for why they cover their hair as much (as little?) as they do.
Why do you want to do sherut leumi? Because you love the land and want to give everything to your people or because you want to move to israel and if you do you have to do sherut leumi?
Unless it’s because you love the land and want to do as much as you can for am yisrael, if you wait until you’re 19 to make aliya, you don’t have to serve. Regarding the question between bat ami and agudah I would think the only difference is the community where they set you up.
troll
A part of the tefila of hamapil is that we tell Hashem that the reason we are going to sleep is only so that we can be refreshed to serve Hashem better tomorrow, thereby turning our sleep into a mitzva.
The advice I was given was that when it gets to the point that there’s no more reasons why you would say no, you have to say yes. But like phdmom says, it’s always gonna be a leap of faith.
I didn’t try to figure out what I wanted. Instead I did a lot of deep introspection and self reflection and when I spoke to the shadchan I told her, ‘this is who I am and this is what I want for the future. I want someone who can help me get there and I want that given what I have to offer, I can help that someone earn the future that he’s striving for.’ I didn’t give her any stipulations on what he should look like now, only that he want the same future as me.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond last week but Aries said it better than I could have anyway. A teenager in such a situation believes that for a parent to care about him, it means they don’t dictate to him how he should live. He’ll chase you away when you try to talk to him but the only thing that really bothers him is when he feels you aren’t willing to accept who he is. Every child needs to feel that he is making his parents proud and that his parents love him. He’s not thinking about the fact that he is making it so difficult for you so if you stop reaching out he won’t realize that it’s because he made it so difficult. Instead he will think you stopped caring about him.
It’s not difficult at all for a kid to get free drugs, he doesn’t need to steal to get them. You should learn what the smell of weed and chashish smell like.
“It is our duty as Jews to spiritually help and correct others.”
If there was ever a mitzva that was misused, abused, misapplied and used as an excuse to knock another person, this is it.
+100
“So you think the “power of a gadol” is that he can look at a list of names and see whose time has run out? Nope, they are human just like you or I.”
That my friend, is kefira.
Although she would definitely need to do more research, (for starters find out the real reason he stopped) it is not always a reason to reject him.
YOu ask about him opening up to you. For the years I went through my thing my mom would take me on countless walks and each ended in a fight, in retrospect probably all of which were my fault. She tried getting things out of me but i hate exposing myself so I avoided telling her much. Yet she still would try to reach Out to me and if not for that, there’s not a chance our relationship would be where it is today. It needed maturity on my part but if she hadn’t persevered its likely I wouldn’t be frum.
WIY: What is your strategy? You’ve been comparing all against each other? That has to be overwhelming!
Why not read a resume and if it makes sense and she’s stable, go out. If you daven hard enough you’ll get your trophy wife.
“I have gotten pictures of Rabbis daughters and very yeshivish girls”
Those girls don’t realize that guys need beauty for other reasons than do girls. If they realized what you were trying to determine by looking at the picture, there’s not a chance in the world they would give you a picture.
There is a certain time period when the person needs to be makpid on all halacha for the conversion to be kosher. Just because she doesn’t cover her hair now doesn’t mean that she didn’t ‘fulfill the quota’. And maybe it was a really natural wig.
A woman’s self esteem is largely dependent on how she perceives her looks. A woman is allowed to dress pretty. To dress attractively is different than to dress “attractingly” (if there is such a word). The women the Gemara refers to would dress specifically to attract men and their only intentions were lustful.
“I and others have noticed a tendency”
Stop talking lashon hara with your buddies and stop judging others.
Everyone has their own nisayon; focus on yours and not everyone else’s.
rocker: what point are you trying to prove?
These women really went out of their way to attract a man’s attention. A woman who is wearing boots is most likely not having those intentions.
“”Every complete tzaddik is a baal teshuva. If he is a genuine tzaddik he is constantly making a cheshbon hanefesh and doing teshuva.”
So, how do you learn Pshat in that Gemara?”
That a person needs to constantly be doing teshuva. A person cannot tell himself that he did enough mitzvos yesterday or that he has reached his potential. Everyday of his life he needs to work to be a better person, because even if he is not doing aveiros, he could still be striving higher.
When they say that someone is an animal, they are saying that the person’s focus is on the physical desires to an extreme.
No one seems to be complaining about those who go on at least one date and only afterward decide that the other’s looks are a turn off.
Remember the asifa last year? Looking at a picture before dating is an excuse to look at a female and have similar thoughts to what it is they were forbidding.
Going on a date, however, means that you have tried to like the other as a human being.
It is crucial that each find the other attractive but the aspect I find disgusting is in sending the picture.
“in a place where Baalei Teshuva stand even Tzadikim who are complete cannot have room for their feet”
Every complete tzaddik is a baal teshuva. If he is a genuine tzaddik he is constantly making a cheshbon hanefesh and doing teshuva.
“Which is better, kiruv or kollel?”
Whichever you think will bring you closer to Hashem and to fulfilling your tafkid is better for you.
“Means 3 dates or so and engagement or breakoff”
Davening for clarity is the key; more than a few dates just gives time for infatuation to influence the decision.
Sizes 0-2 are still anorexic. Supermodels with imploded ribcages are size 4. Size 6 is the size you are most likely imagining when you say size 0.
Who called himself a ben torah? Because it has the name yeshiva in the title?
My parents do it to make the fleishigs friday night ‘more special’.
I don’t think the men and women in this thread are talking about the same pair of boots.
“Mr. & Dr. Chaim Cohen (as I’ve seen too often) is plain wrong.”
I am sorry that you find it strange.
A woman is allowed to dress in a way that she feels pretty. Most boots are not suggestive but guys will be attracted to anything that moves.
“As far as all you tznious posters, if you find women attractive, just admit it, don’t blame it on the boots!:”
I love the line.
“Well unfortunately many frum females today dress to kill mens (and their own) neshamos. Sad reality.”
They don’t give enough hashkofa for it in the Bais Yaakovs. All they give is the rules.
Uneeq: Did you not contradict yourself? Also it seems the OP is looking to improve her relationship with her in-laws, not destroy it. We are here to build ahavas yisroel, not sinas yisroel.
MorahRach: It always helps me to recognize that everything is meant to be is a nisayon. Everything that happens in our lives is Hashem speaking to us and helping us build our characters. Hashem hides his nisyonos through nature, so although the other person may not be making the right choice, Hashem did allow you be the recipient of their unfairness, because for whatever reason He decided, YOU apparently need this test. If they didn’t have the money and if they didn’t give to the others, it wouldn’t be a test for you. It is especially at a time when someone else is ridiculously unfair to the extent that it isn’t sensible, that we realize that it HAS to be from Hashem.
This not to say that a person can use this argument to harm others ‘to help G-d’. Proof is ‘migalgilin zechus al yedai zakai vechova al yedai chayav’ (so with that argument that you are ‘helping G-d give out nisyonos’ that would make one chayav).
Remember that it is all a test of G-d seeing if this will help you come closer or further to Him and His commandments. I hope that helps.
My husband and I are both from the same an out of city but he lived in New York for three years to date. We were set up less than six months after he came back.
Hashem can have your spouse find you wherever you are. If you want to marry the type of guy who goes to an East Coast yeshiva, it makes sense to go there but Hashem can have him find you wherever you are.
You broke the girl code. Girls don’t go out with their friend’s exes, unless with express prior permission.
Ner Yaakov has been closed for a few years already. Ohr Sameach has a similar program though. I believe it’s called Derech.
I am sure she thought this through much more thoroughly than the last time because no one wants to be hurt twice. I am certain she, who made the choice to marry the fellow, is aware of the rumors circulating about him. However, if you are so afraid that she may not have been introduced to this information, and you feel it’s so crucial that she know, call her Rav and have him speak to her. This is not your job! If this caring is truly altruistic for HER benefit, you can call her family’s rav and trust him to decide if he should pass the information forward.
Anyway, she will likely think you are a stalker and a creep if you approach her yourself.
“It is NEVER an “informed” positon to go “OFF THE DERECH” OTD, it is an emotional response that is the cause of it.”
On what basis are you making this claim?