in EY

I was in a very similar situation when I was dating my spouse. I was sure about everything, but very unsure about the chemistry. I spoke to the Shadchan about it. The shadchan was someone I knew very well (and still know to this day) to be a true talmid Chacham and tzaddik (yes, i was very fortunate to have such an individual for my shadchan). He told me that the Chazon Ish said that regarding chemistry the litmus test is as follows: if you would be in one room and the person you’re dating in the room next to that, would you feel like going over and talking to them? if the answer is yes, then that is enough chemistry to be able to get married.

Hashem helped me to have a situation like this on our final date, which i had already decided was either going to be the point that I would call it off or express that I wanted to get engaged.

I alighted from a cab and saw my spouse standing and waiting on the other side of a busy main road. I saw her but she did not see me. So, I quickly went behind a building and asked myself, “Do you feel like going over to her and talking to her?” The immediate answer that came from within me was a yes. It was not a resounding yes. It was not a fireworks yes. It wasn’t even a loud yes. But firm it was. We got engaged that night and are now in our ninth year of a, baruch Hashem, very happy marriage. Certainly not a breezy marriage (is there anyone in the world that has a breezy marriage???). We have both worked very hard, and continue to do so, to make our marriage a happy one. And from everything I have ever read, heard, or seen there is no such thing as a happy marriage without that ongoing, hard work.

As in interesting aside, but perhaps not so much of an aside, is that my brother expressed his utter amazement the night we got engaged that I was so calm. “Most people are really nervous when they get engaged because they are constantly wondering if this is really the right one!” is what my brother said to me. I told him that the reason I wasn’t feeling nervous at all (and I really didn’t feel nervous, not then and not at any point after that), is that I know that Hashem wants me to get married so that I can fulfill His Will through the upholding of all the mitzvos that are associated with marriage, and I did my best to choose my spouse based on that understanding, and I followed daas Torah regarding how to proceed. So what reason could there be to be nervous?

Every young man and woman need to ask themselves, “What is my primary reason for wanting to get married?”

Is it primarily to facilitate fulfillment of self or fulfillment of the Will of Hashem?

When you frame the issue that way, then your assessment of the issues involved automatically adjusts accordingly.