Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Asking for a Raise
A: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
B: Bill! Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
A: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
B: Yes.
A: I won’t beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
B: A raise? Son, I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
A: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic downturn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
B: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don’t want to start a brain drain, I’m willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
A: Great! It’s a deal! Thank you, sir!
B: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
A: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
Drink loads of pineapple juice and eat a lot of raisins. It has helped my family tremendously
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.
‘First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst drinking his favourite wine. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector’, says the Coroner.
‘Second body: ‘Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile.’
The Inspector asked, ‘What of the third body?’
‘Ah,’ says the coroner, ‘this is the most unusual one.
Paddy from Kerry, 30, struck by lightning.’
‘Why is he smiling then?’ inquires the Inspector.
‘Thought he was having his picture taken.’
Ahmed the Arab came to Sydney from the Middle East, and he was only there for a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to a Jewish doctor who said:
“Go outside, open the manhole of the sewers, put your head down and breathe in the fumes for ten minutes.”
Ahmed went outside, opened a manhole, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, “It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?”
The doctor said: “You were homesick .”
A young Jewish Mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.
“Behave, my bubaleh” she says. “Take good care of yourself and think about your Mother, tataleh!”
“And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh.” “Mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!”
At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son on and hugs him.
“So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?”
The boy answers, “I’ve learned that my name is David.”
I hope this one isn’t on yet. There are too many jokes to check back.
The President of Iran was wondering who to invade when his telephone rang.
“This is Mendel in Tel Aviv. We’re officially declaring war on you!”
“How big is your army?” the president asked.
“There’s me, my cousin Moishe, and our whole pinochle team!”
“I have a million in my army,” said the president.
“I’ll call back!” said Mendel.
The next day, he called. “The war’s still on!”
We have now a bulldozer, and Goldblatt’s tractor.”
“I have 16,000 tanks, and my army is now two million.”
“Oy gevalt!”, said Mendel. “I’ll call back.”
He phoned the next day. “We’re calling off the war.”
“Why?”, asked the president.
“Well,” said Mendel, “we’ve all had a little chat,
and there’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.
Learn Chinese in just 5 minutes!
English phrase – Chinese Interpretation
When a panel of doctors were asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised no rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!”, while the Pediatricians said, “Grow up!”
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness; the Surgeons
decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it!
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow but the Plastic Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter.”
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
When I feel like exercising I just sit down until the feeling goes away.
You can agree with me or you can be wrong!
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Everyone brings happiness- some when they come, some when they go.
Nobody is perfect, but who wants to be a nobody?
Take a lesson from the weather- it pays no attention to criticism.
If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
“A great many people think they are thinking when they are actually rearranging their prejudices.”
How long a minute is depends on what side of the
bathroom door you’re on.
We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors….but
they all exist very nicely in the same box.
I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Thank you. None of them are my own. I just passed them on, choosing the best ones of the far too many which I receive
HOW THE STOCK MARKET WORKS
Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.
The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. ‘Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.’
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.’
Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Chuck said, ‘OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said ‘You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’
Chuck said, ‘Sure I can Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’
Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’
Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a
veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
listened to the bird’s
chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”*
*
“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,”
replied the vet.
“How can you** **be so sure?” she protested..
“I mean you haven’t done any testing
on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left
the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever.
As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement,
the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it
out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of
the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said,
“I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely,
100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a
few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the
bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell
me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you
had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20,
But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan,
it’s now $150.”*
This story happened many years ago when I was in yeshiva in EY. One of the Israeli bachurim had met so many girls without getting engaged and he was getting on in age, that he started seeing 2 different girls on one evening! One at 6 o’clock, the other at 9.
There he was walking with the second one, and who do you think he met? The first one. But it wasn’t as embarrassing as you might think, seeing that ……… she was walking with another date too!
First Jewish Woman President
The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, “So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration.
“I don’t think so. It’s a ten hour drive, your father isn’t as young as he used to be, and please my arthritis is acting up again.”
“Don’t worry about it Mom, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.”
“I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?”
“Oh Mom” replies Susan, “I’ll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York “
“Honey,” Mom complains, “you know I can’t eat the fancy foods that you and your friends like to eat.”
The President-to-be responds, “Don’t worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York! , kosher all the way. Please, Mom, I really want you to come.”
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 21, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States.
In the front row sits the new president’s mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.
“You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States ?”
The Senator whispers back, “Yes, I do.”
Says Mom proudly, “Her brother is a doctor.”
SOME MORE PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A calendar’s days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Irving
the Jewish Dog
Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, ‘My dog has a problem.’
Dr. Saul says, ‘So, tell me about the dog and the problem.’
‘It’s a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk,’ says Morty.
‘He can talk?’ the doubting doctor asks.
‘Watch this!’ Morty points to the dog and commands: ‘ Irving , Fetch!’
Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, ‘So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I’m nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this disgusting food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it’s a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it’s out of the house, a short walk around the garden, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn’t kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!’
Dr. Saul is amazed, ‘This is remarkable! So, what’s the problem?’
Morty says, ‘He has a hearing problem! I said ‘Fetch,’ not ‘Kvetch.”
Did you hear about the boy and girl who were happily engaged, until she found out that he had a wooden leg. She broke it off!
PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir
Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
4. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
5. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
6. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
8. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
9. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head..’
10. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
11. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
12. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
13. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
14. A backward poet writes inverse.
15. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Daniel: What about ?? ???????? If in shul, where people are concentrating on Tfilloh, you are not allowed to change from the ????? (i.e. say ????? before/after ???? ???? where the ???? of that ??? is the opposite), then that should teach us “to do in Rome like the Romans do”. Just to make myself clear: I’m not saying that there is a ??? of?? ??????? on the bus. I’m saying that with that ??? we are taught not to do different than ???? ?????. That is pure ??? ???.
In Apeldoorn you can sit next to your wife without any worry.
It is Yoel ZEEV ben Mirel Risa Chava, as gedalya already wrote. Initially the Zeev wasn’t known about, but it is part of his name. Besuros Tovos