goldenkint

Rav Eliyashiv and Rav Shlomo Zalman Zatsal both lived very frugally and didnt have or spend money on extras. if you could polish your shoes to make them presentable for shabbos, fine. if you anyway have several pairs of shoes , then of course keep a pair special for Shabbos. as far as girls and women ,generally Shabbos shoes are less sturdy and prettier than strong everyday shoes. so its nice le’kavos shabbos to have them if you can afford it.

the photographer at my first child’ wedding was a nervous fellow who had very little patience. i told him about an issue with my face that i have since childhood so i have to be photographed from one side only. he said dont bother me with that. every other photographer i have ever met was understanding aND MADE SURE I WAS FACING THE RIGHT WAY IN FORMAL SHOTS. THE PHOTOGRAPHER AT MY SECOND CHILD’S WEDDING WAS PATIENT AND TOOK GREAT PHOTOS BUT WASN’T AWARE OF MAKING ALL OF THE BACKGROUNDS PRETTY. NU, IT DIDNT MATTER, THE PIX WERE MOSTLY LOVELY. THE PHOTOGRAPHER AT MY 3RD CHILDS WEDDING WAS JUST TERRIBLE HE PHOTOGRAPHED EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING FROM A CROUCHING POSITION SO WE ALL LOOK LIKE WE HAVE 10 CHINS ,EXCEPT FOR THE CHOSSON AND KALLAH. AND I HAD TO SPEND TONS OF MONEY TO PHOTOSHOP A FEW PICS TO HAVE A DECENT PORTRAIT OF WITH THE FAMILY. P.S. THE PICS TAKEN WITH MY OWN CAMERA, BY A FRIEND CAME OUT GORGEOUS. NO EXTRA CHINS) (PANASONIC,LUMIX) I ENLARGED THOSE AND PUT THEM IN AN ALBUM, BUT I DIDNT HAVE A FAMILY PORTRAIT ETC WITH MY OWN CAMERA. Baruch Hashem that these are our complaints. i am fortunate to have made simchos. and daven for more. and maybe Hashem wants me to be less vain so that’s why the pics were so horrible. i actually cried when i saw them, until i saw th

e ones taken with my camera, which made me feel a bit better.

cinderella. i used to twist my ankle all the time while wearing heels and platforms. Baruch hashem its better now, but no more high heels for me ,alas. the lasting damage is an inabilty to turn my ankle in to the classic yoga seated position. again alas. i’ve gotten over it. feel good.

health ,if you know the purpose of the protests ,please enlighten us. all i see is chillul Hashem. What do they want ? to start a civil war, and have brother against brother? if the SAtmar Rov could invite me to his house and my mother was not covering any of her hair then, then that goes to show that these people are all provocateurs and they have an agenda. i can’t see what kosher agenda they would have. they can move to a complete closed community and build tall walls and not have to see anyone different if they so choose. but the dat leumi community was in existence when they purchased their homes. and according to the video i saw they just stand around waiting for people to pass by so they can harrass them.

personally ,i think that a law should be passed which makes loitering in front of schools and playgrounds illegal for anyone who has no legitimate business to be there. bli kesher to the protests.

oy vey noch a muhl

mentschen huben gornisht vus tsu tiyen.

you catch more bees with honey than with vinegar. if it was about Torah and Torah values the hoooligans in bet shemesh would be sitting in beis medrash. and their wives would be starting joint bikur cholim and chessed organizations with their neighbors to be mekarev them if they so chose. its all a big bluff. i know so many chassidshe andchareidi families that are mekarev and host people even if their hair isn’t covered the way they hold. and it is mekarev!

oy vey.

when i was in bais yaakov it was the generation after the holocaust. every child that wished to attend was accepted. the same for yeshivas chasam sofer which my brother attended. there were girls from frummer homes and less frum homes and even several not-frum homes. none of the girls from frum homes went off the derech because of their friends,. it just didn’t happen. people accepted each other. many frum girls became frummer. many not frum girls stayed that way. there was a lot more acceptance and most of the students in both the boys and girls schools grew up to have Torah homes and in many cases outdo their parents in certain levels of observance. it was like in the out of town schools even though i’m talking about new york. years later i see some of these girls who might have been less frum in high school and today they are much frummer. i understand what rebbetsin feinstien is saying. acceptance was the norm then, exclusion is the norm now. the problem is that people who are raised so sheltered actually think that if someone does something a bit different they are doing an aveirah. its not necessarily so. in our school in 1970 the skirts were supposed to reach the knees. a tefach above was acceptable if we wore dark not see through tights. out of 120 girls maybe 10 had skirts that covered the kness and i might be padding that number a bit. for many years the skirt lengths were not an issue and now its a problem again. but it is not clear cut about the knees and elbows having to be completely covered al pi halacha. as far as elbows all the sleeves had to do was reach the elbows, on the inside . and entire communities of shomrei mitzvot like the yekkish community followed rav shamshon rephoel hirsch and had a sleeve which covered half the arm tightly. its great that many pepple are more makpid on tsnius now but be aware that the halacha is not so clear cut ,so don’t say that everyone that doesn’t reach these standards is a sinner.

as far as acceptance. well some people who think they cornered the market on frumkeit think its their job to giver out points for observance to everyone else. other’ s like rebbetsin malkie feinstien understand that we only see the externals and only Hashem knows what’s really going on inside a person.

i met an old school ‘friend’ who used to look down on me because i wasn’t one of the below the knee skirt crowd. well she was was so condescending in her surprise at who and what kind of family i have now. i was so hurt and amazed. from her amazement at my yeshivishe kids and etc. you would have thought that she thought i was the biggest “shiksa’/. only based on her assumptions that if i looked like that then i must be much less frum than she was.

she obviously was so busy paying attention to everyone’s externals that she missed the “don’t embarrass a person it’s similar to shedding blood Halacha.”

Baruch Hashem i have forgiven her for her unfeeling,rude comments and hope Hashem will forgive me for my transgressions too.

kido, Ih Yirtzeh Hashem hope to see you flying too. its never ok to speak badly about others. it a major sin. but for young couples to be wrapped up in themselves is their right and it’s right for them to get to know each other and to be oblivious to others sometimes just happens. .you’ll be there and you’ll understand. they don’t ignore you, they just don’t see you. i know a young man who was single and didn’t get it when his first niece was born how everything revolved around the baby etc. he was very jealous and complained. Hashem helped and he now has 10 children, is no longer so young and laughs at his younger self because of course his kids fill up his time . G-d willing your spouse will fill up your world and your time in a good way. and eventually you’ll come back to earth but not with a bang.

“Gone will be my show, impressing everyone…”

if you are serious about this it means that nothing you have been doing is for real , its all a show. what about mitsvot, like chessed and davening. what about learning and growing as a person. what about taking pride in a job well done -whatever it is you are doing. what about looking nice because it makes you feel good about yourself (and is a lot easier on everyone else’s eyes also). i suggest you try and find out what really is important to you as a person- not for show- before you get married or else you might end up with the wrong person. if its all for show then it truly is an empty exercise.

I know a kallah who after she got engaged sent all kinds of baked goods to her chosson every shabbos. not for show. for real. because she wanted to show him how special she thought he was. “she said “he deserves it.” not everything is for show or should be for show. some people really enjoy, learning, working helping etc.

hopefully when you get married , the two of you become a family. your own family. and if you are lucky then Hashem will also bless you with children. life is what happens day after day. but marriage, being connected to another person who “knows all about you and still likes you” that’s the real deal. it sounds like you are not ready for marriage because you think its about getting a good shidduch. obviously the next question is then what. marriage is about giving. and giving and giving. and sharing. and not answering back your mother-in-law even though she’s soooo annoying!!!! becuz its not your husband’s fault that his mother is that way. marriage is about thinking about something other than what you can get , and what you want. and marriage with all its hard work should be fun. Marry someone you can feel proud of but comfortable with. marry someone that makes you laugh, makes you smile and makes you feel comfortable ,not tense when you are together. then you will know that you came home. the reason it says ” l’torah ‘l’huppa u’l’maasim tovim ,is that the maasim tovim are what you do when you take care of and give to your spouse. marriage can be sublime.

good luck

amen, may Hashem answer your tefillot and those of all klal yisroel. and write soon to report on your engagement B’Ezrat Hashem

its not ‘daas torah’ ,its not tsnius, its some weird, unhealthy cult type obssession.

generally,if people get so upset that you have a different idea than them and can;t accept it it is becuz they are jealous, or feel inadequate so they have to put you down. i know many people who work very hard and accomplish a lot more than me, and i admire them.i am not jealous so their accomplishments don;t bother me. but when a person has low self esteem,or feels guilty about their own choices,then they have to knock the next one down. dont sweat it.you are right.

first let me say i really know how painful this is. second , i think it is very important that you get daas Torah and guidance from a Rov in dealing with this. Yes, your young person won’t speak to the Rov, or tHe therapist but you can ,specifically to get guidance on how to deal with this.

Be careful not to listen to others, i mean friends and family especially “the most frum ones”, because they are not necessarily qualified to give advice.

I know of a case where an otd child met someone and got engaged. several people said you can’t go to the wedding because they’re not frum, and its not a simcha, etc. the parents consulted a very frum Rov who after hearing everything said 1) you can go to the wedding. 2) it is a simcha and you may dance 3)Tell the “frum” relatives to call me and i will tell them how to behave. i must qualify that the couple in this case want to try and make a wedding which respects thier parents but also has their choices too. it is complicated and the rov said to only invite friends who will know that one of the families is not frum and it won’t be a typical charedi wedding. tHE ROV ALSO SAID THAT HE WOULD PERSONALLY TRY AND COME TO THE WEDDING HIMSELF. so try to find a rov who will guide you and May Hashem give you help in knowing how and what to say.

P>S> if you are interested i can tell you about the segula of Rav Fischer to help someone return in Teshuva. it involves baking challa for Shabbos, a brick, going to the kever of a tzaddik. I personally spoke to Rav AHaron Fischer, of Yerushalayim whose father told about this segula and he told me exactly how to do it. i have been told it works.

i decided to put in the directions because i may not have time later so here goes.

1)You must buy a brick. it cannot be a brick you find , it must be purchased. 2) write the name of the person, ben/ bas , the mother’s name, on the brick in marker.3) prepare Challah in the normal way. take challah, with or without a bracha depending on the amount of flour.4)put the brick in the oven and then put the challah in the oven.5) bake the challah with the brick in the oven.6) take out the challah and use for Shabbos. BUT LEAVE THE BRICK IN THE OVEN THE ENTIRE WEEK UNTIL THE FOLLOWING fRIDAY. you may use your oven as usual but do not take out the brick. 7) the following Friday prepare and bake a Challah again.8) take out your Challah and use it on Shabbos. Take the brick and with a marker write the following on it.

??? ????? ???? ?? ?? ???? ???/? ?? ______ ??/? _______ ??? ????/? ??????.

8) take the brick to the kever of a tzaddik, read out the passuk on it and put the brick on the kever of the tzaddik. 9) daven that Hashem should help!!! ( some add give tezedaka and say Tehillim but that wasn’t included in Rav Fischer’s instructions.

He also told me you can only do it one brick at a time in the oven and you have to eat the challah on shabbos.( which means that you have to have 2 weeks per person you want to do it for)

i really feel for you. its so hard giving up music we love and grew up with. i have a compromise. i stopped listening to songs whose lyrics i’d be embarassed to repeat out loud. thus i can listen to a lot of songs that aren’t problematic, and don’t have to give everything up. many artists have some songs which are inappropriate and others which are ok so that’s what i do. i also started listening to opera arias, so beautiful, but i have no idea generally what they are saying, although i understand its mostly nonsense but not inappropriate.- i do think its ridiculous that theycan sing with such emotion and be saying nothing really important

not such a tsanua discussion, with details, hey can we have a women only site, with dna testing to make sure

i can’t remember the exact type of yarmulka but suffice to say it was ‘blacker’ than we were used to. My son now learns full time in mirrer Yeshiva in yerushalayim , you can’t get much blacker than him. We are very proud of him. he is extremely frum, ehrlich and yes much “blacker” than the rest of the family but as long as the change is frummer not less frum we’re fine with it. it was a bit difficult for us at first because we sent him to a less black yeshiva , and my husband doesn’t wear a hat, but we got used to it. the main thing is respect, and know why you want the hat. what does it mean to you? as you said there are many Rabbonim and Talmedei Chachammim who don’t wear hats so what exactly are you looking for with the hat? if you can define it for yourself, and if you can not make divisiveness in the family but your motives are pure , it should work out. It also depends how old you are, and how you treat your family in other things. never forget that the Torah should be pleasant and a Talmid Chochom is supposed to spread Shalom in the world. Work on it as i Said gradually, but don’t push it or rush it. by the way, off the top of my head i can think of 4 of our family friends whose sons now wear hats even though the fathers don’t and everyone is fine with it. it has to be done with the proper intent and love and Hahem will help it work out.

bochur1818. in my opinion ,first of all , the waY to approach this is gradually. start spending a bit more quaLITY TIME WITH YOUR FATHER, LEARN WITH HIM IF POSSIBLE, IF YOU DON’T ALREADY, AND LET HIM SEE THAT YOU ARE A GOOD ,SINCERE PERSON. WORK ON YOUR COMMUNICATION AND RELATIONSHIP SO HE FEELS RESPECTED, VALUED LOVED AND HONORED.He may feel threatened that his way isn’t good enough for you ,or he may believe that “A Hat does not make The man” so show him that you honor and repect him and that’s the first step. Step two, Tell over stories of Gedolim, and what you want to emulate in their behavior, at the shabbos table, as part of a dvar Torah, or quote a dvar Torah from a Godol you want to emulate.. There are many sources for such stories. Step three, tell your father you would like to wear a hat because it makes you feel a connection to these Gedolim, and be sure to mention Gedolim he admires and considers as his Rebeeim. If you do this gradually you’ll be preparing the head which deserves to wear a hat.

eventually , your father will hopefully realize that this is for you and won’t stand in your way.

We had a similar situation when my son wanted to wear a certain type of Yarmulka when he started high school. I was always against labeling and divisiveness and on purpose refused to let people tell me what specific headgear was supposed to represent. I always said a man wearing something on his head is supposed to show that he believes and remembers that Hashem is Above him. I’m not interested in knowing anything else. But of course we live in another world , not my fantasy world , so when my son started High School he asked us if he could switch yarmulkas. i asked him Why. He said because i stand out, i’m the only one in this yarmulka not that one. I answered him that it is a valid reason, not wanting to be odd man out and so he switched yarmulkas. the next time he came home from yeshiva, he had been in the house for several hours before someone else came in and commented on the new Yarmulka. I had never even noticed it, because to me he was my son and always will be no matter what yarmulka or hat he wears. ( P.s. it took me years to get used to the beard,(where did my cute little boy go

?) now hE is 34 Bli ayin Hara and I’m finally used to it after 10 years) good luck to you, it may take some time for your father to come around

Yom Yerushalayim is not about the idf and not about tsiyonim. every Jew should thank Hashem for the wonderful chessed HaSHEM did of returning the koSel to us and many other Holy places(kever Rachel, Maaras Hamachpela, Kever Shmuel Hanavi , etc.). it is well documented that the entire 6 day war was a series of Nissim Geluyim that even totally secular soldiers felt Yad HaSHem. yes, the Geula hasn’t come yet and we daven for it every day, but Thanks should be given for what Hashem has given us so far.

A few other points:

1) the original Chovevei Tzion were all ChaREIDI RABBANIM and frum yidden who believed it was a mitzvah to live in and work the land of israel AND ONLy LATER DID THE sECULAR ZIONISTS GET INVOLVED WITH ALIYAH.

2)The Arabs never were sovereign is Erets Yisrael. it didn’t belong to them, we didn’t take anything from them. The Land was desolate until the first Jewish settlers-Chovevei Tsion bought land and began to work on it. previously there were yidden living in tsfat , and yerushalayim, Gedolim, Mekubalim, Talmedai Hgra, but no Palestinian /arab government. The ottoman/Turkish empire controlled Erets Yisrael., later Arabs from surrounding countries came to work in the land that jewish people had purchased from absentee landlords. descriptions of Erets yisrael by visitors as late as 1870 described the land as a wilderness. in this Hashem was fulfilling his promise to us that the land will remain desolate and no other people will be able to build it up, it won’t blossom for anyone else except Am yisrael.

It is a mistake to say that the Tsionim were armed to the teeth in 1948. They had a pitifully small amount of weapons and Hashem fought that war for us as He has since then. Logically we shouldn’t have won in 1948 or in 1967 and don’t err as others have and say “bikochi vi’otsem Yadi” because it is Hashem who has fought for us and who protects us till this day. Every day for years rockets fall down on us from gaza and Hashem directs them where they cause the least damage. thousands of rockets have fallen and BeChasdei Hashem you can count the casualties on the fingers of your hand.

Yom yerushalayim should be a day of saying Thank you to Hashem. every Jew who davens and bentches or even says Al Hamichiya is saying REbuild Yerushalyaim speedily in our day. We are witnessing the building as we speak and i’m not speaking about stones and bricks but about Jewish Kehillot and Yeshivot Bli ayin hara. I waLK IN THE STREETS OF THE OLD CITY AND HEAR CHILDREN PLAYING AND SEE OLD PEOPLE WITH CANES AND I WITNESS THE NEVUAH COMING TRUE, wHEN THE nAVI COMFORTS aM YISRAEL AND SAYS , THERE WILL YET COME A TIME WHEN YOU WILL HEAR THE SOUND OF cHILDREN PLAYING IN THE STREETS OF yERUSHALAYIM , AND SEE OLD PEOLE , WALKING WITH CANES IN YERUSHALAYIM AGAIN. HASHEM HAS GIVEN OUR gENeRATION A TREMENDOUS zECHUS TO SEE THIS nEVUA COME TRUE , AND iM yIRTZEH hASHEM THE COMPLETE GEULA WILL SOON FOLLOW. tHANK yOU hASHEM IS WHAT EVERY YID SHOULD SAY, AND YES ON yOM YERUSHLAYIM TOO, BECAUSE THAT IS THE dAY HASHEM CHOSE TO DO THIS GREAT NES AND CHESSED. I DON’T DISCUSS HALLEL WITH A bRACHA OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. tHAT’S FOR THE gEDOLIM. I JUST SAY tHANK yOU, HASHEM AND tHEN sAY IT AGAIN. ???? ??????? ????? ??????!

good for you. its always good to grow , especially in tsnius. i know a girl who was zocheh to meet her husband specifically becuz she decided to grow in tznius so one boy who didn’t like the look turned her down, and the next one was her bashert. may you always grow in Torah and Mitzvot. and be sure to give your parents lots of love and respect as you are required to.

to begin with it is not necessarily the people who can’t afford it who buy these things. but even if they can afford it is it necessary or advisable? i feel the same way about socks decorated with beads and have even gone so far as to tell the storeowners not to stock them as they are a choking hazard. as far as ostentatiousness, there is a Jewish Middah to be modest and that includes not going over the top in decoration, dress etc. in my house my mother always said “Me turnisht arois nemin mentschen di oygin” which means “don’t take people’s eyes out- dont be a show off, or stand out. i love beautiful things but you have to learn to limit yourself and limit the gashmiyus

one year i needed something and went downtown 2 days before pesach. there was a display with very beautiful velvet embroidered pillow cases for the seder. i thought how nice, what a hiddur. except when i looked at the price i almost fainted and didn’t buy them. it took me a day to get over it and regain my prevoius simcha. lesson learned,” Aizeh hu ashir hasomeach be chelko” “who is wealthy, he who is satisfied with his lot”, and i never go near the stores erev chag again so i won’t be ambushed into wanting things i’ve lived perfectly happily without.

i think this is the wrong question. the question should be “am i thanking Hashem every day for making me a JEW WITH MY WORDS AND DEEDS. ARE MY WORDS AND DEEDS REFLECTING WHAT IT IS TO BE A FRUM JEW. AM I PERSONALLY MEKABLE TORAH NEWLY AS i MOVE AHEAD IN LIFE. NO ONE CAN KNOW WHAT THEY MIGHT HAVE DONE IN AN IMAGINARY SITUATION, BUT WE KNOW THAT WHO WE ARE IS WHO hASHEM WANTED Us TO BE , AND TAKE IT FROM THERE.

we learnt that it is assur for a woman to shave her head if it is not her minhag and her husband will be turned off by it. as far as shaven heads helping survivors. sadly most of those killed had their heads shaven too in the deaTH AND WORK CAMPS HEADS WERE SHAvEN BY THE NAZIS, TO FIGHT THE LICE EPIDEMIC.

THAT BEING SAID IT IS A DILEMMA BECAUSE YOU RESPECT THE WORD OF THE TZADDIK. I DONT KNOW WHAt you should do. have your husband ask his rov?

bombmaniac. i feel for you. hope you use your insight to save your own life and build a good life for yourself. if you ever need to reconcile with your mom you can do it then. for now heal and nurture yourself. you are doing a great service for all