Forum Replies Created
-
AuthorPosts
-
GetzelParticipant
An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “They’re getting divorced,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.” She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says. “They’re coming for Sukkot and paying their own airfares.”
November 19, 2009 11:29 am at 11:29 am in reply to: Should BMG Have A Say In Lakewood Politics? #824064GetzelParticipantJothar
OK the rabbonim only later came out to vote Christie because of moral issues but the oilem was ed up of the taxes and were tax money goes.
November 18, 2009 11:25 pm at 11:25 pm in reply to: Should BMG Have A Say In Lakewood Politics? #824062GetzelParticipantArc
This issue has being boiling for some years now,
most recently the Oilem decided to feif un the Vaad Voting for Christie
There are many more issue BOILING HOT not to be posted on the Internet regarding this question of power
I had this question then.
And so i decided to hear the Oilems opinion
November 18, 2009 12:24 pm at 12:24 pm in reply to: Should BMG Have A Say In Lakewood Politics? #824054GetzelParticipantPookie
why is BMG Lakewood?
November 17, 2009 7:55 pm at 7:55 pm in reply to: Should BMG Have A Say In Lakewood Politics? #824049GetzelParticipantOK i will rephrase the question
For all those that live in Lakewood they are aware that when BMG wants something they get it,
now that might mean on taxpayers expense or interest, for example if funding goes for this it won”t go for something else which might benefit the town people more,
so should the people of Lakewood let things go as they do know [more or less]or do they have the right to protest.
Either YES because lets face the fact the city is based on the Yeshiva.
Or NO they are not a kehila and don”t do a thing for the kehila.
NO LOSHON HORA PLEASE OR PERSONAL ATTACKS
GetzelParticipantA Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: That the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued…and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the “fires.”
NOW FOR THE BEST PART… After the lawyer cashed the check, the Insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
ONLY IN AMERICA!!! NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD
THINKS WE’RE NUTS
GetzelParticipantMy colleague and I were eating our lunch in the cafeteria,
when we overheard one of the administrative assistants
talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to
the shore.
She drove down in a convertible, but
“didn’t think she’d get sunburned
because
the car was moving”.
GetzelParticipantSome guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard
and hung a sign on it saying: “Free to good home.
You want it, you take it.”
For three days the fridge sat there without even one
person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of
this deal.
It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to
read:
“Fridge for sale $50.”
The next day someone stole it. Caution…
GetzelParticipantBack in the frontier days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food.
No other humans had been seen for days, when finally they saw an “Old Jewish Man” sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said,
“We’re lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?
“Vell,” the old Jew said, “I vouldn’t go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you’ll run into a big bacon tree.”
“A bacon tree?” asked the wagon train leader.
“Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie.”
The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.
“So why did he say not to go there?” some of the pioneers asked.
“Oh, you know those Jews — they don’t eat bacon.”
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who barely manages to escape back to the old Jew, who’s enjoying a “glassel tea.”
The near-dead man starts shouting,
“You fool! You sent us to our deaths!
We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree! There was hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone.”
The old Jew holds up his hand and says “Oy, vait a minute.” He then gets out an old English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it.
“Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake.
It vuz not a bacon tree.
It vuz a ham bush!”
GetzelParticipant1. Only in America……can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America……are there handicap parking places in front of our skating rinks.
3. Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America……do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a Diet Coke.
5. Only in America……do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America……do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America……do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
GetzelParticipantA WOMAN, CALLING A LOCAL HOSPITAL,
SAID, “HELLO, I’D LIKE TO TALK TO THE PERSON WHO GIVES THE INFORMATION REGARDING YOUR PATIENTS.
I’D LIKE TO FIND OUT IF THE PATIENT IS GETTING BETTER, DOING AS EXPECTED OR IS GETTING WORSE.”
THE VOICE ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE SAID,
“WHAT IS THE PATIENTS NAME AND ROOM NUMBER?”
SHE SAID, “SARA FINKLE, IN ROOM 302.”
“I WILL CONNECT YOU WITH THE NURSING STATION.”
“3-A NURSING STATION. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?”
“I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE CONDITION OF SARA FINKLE IN ROOM 302.”
“JUST A MOMENT. LET ME LOOK AT HER RECORDS.
OH YES, MRS. FINKLE IS DOING VERY WELL. IN FACT SHE’S HAD TWO FULL MEALS,
HER BLOOD PRESSURE IS FINE
AND HER BLOOD WORK JUST CAME BACK AS NORMAL. SHE’S GOING TO BE TAKEN OFF THE HEART MONITOR IN A COUPLE OF HOURS AND IF SHE CONTINUES THIS IMPROVEMENT. DR. COHEN IS GOING TO SEND HER HOME TUESDAY AT TWELVE O’ CLOCK.”
THE WOMAN SAID,” THANK GOD!
THAT’S WONDERFUL”
OH! THAT’S FANTASTIC.
THAT’S WONDERFUL NEWS! “
THE NURSE SAID,” FROM YOUR ENTHUSIASM, I TAKE IT YOU MUST BE A CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER OR A VERY CLOSE FRIEND!”
“NOT EXACTLY, I AM SARAH FINKEL IN ROOM 302!
AND NOBODY HERE TELLS ME ANYTHING!”
GetzelParticipant—-Israeli personals
Shmuel Gabbai, 36.
I take out the Torah Saturday morning.
Would like to take you out Saturday night.
Please write POB 81.
Couch potato latke in search
of the right applesauce.
Let’s try it for 8 days.
Who knows?
POB 43
Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul
light shabbos candles,
celebrate holidays,
build Sukkah together,
attend brisses, bar mitzvahs –
Religion not important.
POB 658
Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get
or can get get.
Get it?
I’ll show you mine
if you show me yours.
POB 72.
Sincere rabbinical student, 27, enjoys
Yom Kippur,Tisha B’av, Taanis Esther,
Tzom Gedalia, Asarah B’Teves,
Shiva Asar b’Tammuz.
Seeks companion for living life in the ‘fast’ lane.
POB 90.
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos.
Seeks same in woman.
POB 43.
Nice Jewish guy, 38.
No skeletons.
No baggage.
No personality.
POB 76
Female graduate student,
studying kaballah, Zohar,
exorcism of dybbuks,
seeks mensch.
No weirdos, please.
POB 56.
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles,
havdallah candles,Yahrzeit candles.
Seeks non-smoker.
POB 787.
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to,
share your innermost thought and deepest secrets.
Confide in me. I’ll understand your insecurities.
No fatties, please
POB 86.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart,
independent, self-made, looking for girl
whose father will hire me.
POB 43
GetzelParticipantDefinitions Not in Dictionary
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The animals you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have.
I have character lines
EDITED
GetzelParticipantWe had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, ‘NO, it’s not.’ Four is larger than two..
We haven’t used Sears repair since.
My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.’ The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..
Do not confuse the clerks at McDonald’s.
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!’ I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’
From Kingman , KS .
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’ He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce..
From Kansas City
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ He smiled knowingly and nodded,
‘That’s why we ask.’
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing.’ Our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’ Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘its open!’ His reply, ‘I know. I already got that side.’
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS
EDITED
GetzelParticipantHusband: I’ll admit I’m wrong if you’ll admit I’m right.
Wife: OK. You go first.
Husband: Ok… I’m wrong.
GetzelParticipantWhat did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
November 12, 2009 7:50 pm at 7:50 pm in reply to: How Long Have You Been Part of the YWN Coffee Room? #719271GetzelParticipantFebruary 27, 2008
GetzelParticipantThere’s this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: “Come on, man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t see a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find I lost my key. I can’t get in because my wife isn’t home. I leave, and come here. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison…”
GetzelParticipantWhat did ??? say when he saw his wife turn in to salt?
??? ????
GetzelParticipantNY mom
Tell us the truth how many cars did you hit by mistake?
GetzelParticipantA man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, ‘No health insurance.’
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied. ‘No money in the bank.’
The nun asked, ‘Do you have a relative who could help you?’
He said, ‘I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.’
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, ‘Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.’
The patient replied, ‘Okay, send the bill to my brother-in-law.
GetzelParticipantGit shabbos
i meant a gitten purim
GetzelParticipantThe mayor of Haifa was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Haifa.
He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Haifa was full of
pigeon poop, the people of Haifa could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive
on the roads.
It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.
One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.
‘I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to
the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions.
Or, you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question.’
The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.
The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and
released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into
the bright blue sky.
All the pigeons in Haifa saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air
behind the blue pigeon. The Haifa pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she
flew southward out of the city.
The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City
Hall.
The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had
performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid Haifa of the plague of
pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor
presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that,
indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no
fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million
just to get to ask ONE question.
The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.
Do you think the Mayor is going to ask how the blue pigeon led all the
pigeons away?
Do you think the Mayor is going to ask where all the pigeons went?
Do you think he is going to ask where the man got the blue pigeon?
Nooooooo!
The mayor asked:
‘Do you have a blue Araber?’
GetzelParticipantThere was a student that made a lot of problems in class; he fought
The teacher tried a lot of things, but nothing helped.
The father agreed to the plan. Every morning the teacher prepared the
pill next to the coffee machine and went into class. After a few
minutes the child would come in with the coffee, and everything went
fine.
out of class and there were no fights!
pill! I put the pill into the coffee and after he finishes to drink
GetzelParticipantA doctor in Chelem answers
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.
Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable).
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms
up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…
Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!….. Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting
more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me ?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable! It’s the
best feel good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me!
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.
And remember:
‘Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways — Chardonnay in one hand, chocolate in the other
— body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO!
What a Ride!’
AND…..
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on
nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine & suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like..
Speaking English is apparently what kills you!!
GetzelParticipantcholentkugelkishke
very good!!!
Please everyone else GOOD JOKES ONLY!!
GetzelParticipantA woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.
She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
“She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.” “I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically Correct. However, I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”
The man smiled and responded, “You must be an Obama Democrat.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”
“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.
You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but
somehow, now it’s my fault.”
GetzelParticipantA man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband
could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from
her, and in a normal con versational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response.”
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what
happens.” Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the k itchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from
his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey,
what’s for dinner?”
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
(I just love this)
“Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!”
GetzelParticipantronrsr good!
we need more jokes!
GetzelParticipantListen the many bad stories vhamaven yuvin make it impossible that it should go on like this!!
GetzelParticipantDear Y.W. Editor, thank you for this most informative information.
This could actually save lives.
Men zall doss nisht darfen.
Yasher Koach.
GetzelParticipant7 reasons not to mess with children.
1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”. The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.
2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, “They will in a minute.”
3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers! and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’ A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.”
6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”
7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
“Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples”.
GetzelParticipantMy bat
What can be better than a bisul simcha
GetzelParticipantWarning: Only For the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it … and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and , best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!
GetzelParticipantSammy gol you will love this one!
–Lipstick in School —
According to a news report, a certain school in
Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning
to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick
they would press their lips to the mirror to blot it
and would leave dozens of little lip prints. Every
night, the maintenance man would remove them and the
next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally, the principal decided that something had to
be done. He called all the girls to the washroom
and met them there with the maintenance man. He
explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian who had to clean
the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean
the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show
the girls how much effort was required. He took out a
long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have
been no lip prints on the mirror.
Priceless!!
THE MORAL OF THIS STORY.
There are teachers, and then there are Educators
GetzelParticipant>>>>From a marriage counselors diary<<<<
*********
My wife walked into the den & asked “What’s on the TV?”
I replied “Dust”.
And that’s how the fight started…..
**************
A woman is standing, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel
horrible, I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s near perfect.’
And that’s how the fight started…..
**************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200
in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that’s how the fight started…..
**************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’
He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’
‘Nah, she can order for herself.’
And that’s when the fight started…..
GetzelParticipantThe entree was pochoys mikeshiur
The soup, einoi ben Yomo
The main course, nifsal meachilas kelev
The desert noisen taam lifgam
and the bill, a hefsed merubo
GetzelParticipantThe European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as ‘Euro-English’.
In the first year, ‘s’ will replace the soft ‘c’. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard ‘c’ will be dropped in favour of ‘k’. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome ‘ph’ will be replaced with ‘f’. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent ‘e’ in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as Replasing ‘th’ with ‘z’ and ‘w’ with ‘v’.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords kontaining ‘ou’ and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
GetzelParticipantLmaysee they say over from a rosh yeshiva in eretz yisrael that he said he was a sports fan years ago and you can never ever get out of it.
GetzelParticipantSpell Checkers – a little Poem.
A Little Poem Regarding Computer Spell Checkers…
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
October 29, 2009 7:16 pm at 7:16 pm in reply to: What Should we do About so Many Collecters? #664687GetzelParticipantyou read just the title of the topic not the question
October 28, 2009 2:12 pm at 2:12 pm in reply to: What Should we do About so Many Collecters? #664651GetzelParticipantThe probblem is that many collecters are well respected rabbonim in eretz hakodesh, to give them $1?
GetzelParticipantFeif un: what yeshiva were you in?
GetzelParticipantvos geit dich un if they win?
August 24, 2009 11:38 am at 11:38 am in reply to: Lakewood Cop Tickets Lakewood Hatzolah Member On Call #654961GetzelParticipantdon”t forget we are in Golus
-
AuthorPosts