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May 6, 2011 3:12 pm at 3:12 pm in reply to: Is Osama Bin Laden Dead or Alive in America's Custody #764923GetzelParticipant
also The reason to pronounce him dead could be to avoid expected reaction from the other side, framing charges on him, initiating and proving a case against him in some court, waiting for a long time to have a court verdict etc
May 6, 2011 3:02 pm at 3:02 pm in reply to: Is Osama Bin Laden Dead or Alive in America's Custody #764921GetzelParticipantAs many inconsistencies as the White House has put out on the Osama raid I’m thinking they may be trying to cover up something else.
Experts everywhere are expressing regret over the killing of Bin Laden and losing a possible treasure trove of intelligence from him.
Might the commandos really have not killed Osama but ushered everyone out of the room, given him a knockout shot, put him in a body bag, fired two shots in the room and spread some human blood and tissue to make it look like he was killed? Pakistan isn’t going to do any testing to see if the blood and tissue belong to Osama.
The U.S. could then keep him in secret custody for questioning and just hold a mock burial at sea with a cadaver.
If they eventually release photos of a dead Osama those could always have been photoshopped by the CIA.
Its all nice and neat.
May 6, 2011 3:00 pm at 3:00 pm in reply to: Is Osama Bin Laden Dead or Alive in America's Custody #764920GetzelParticipantJudge Napolitano said earlier that the photos are covered by a law that protects them as a matter of national security, so no FOIA requests will get them released, nor will any lawsuits. The release is totally in the power of the pResident.
GetzelParticipantThe reasons for my doubts are – If Bin laden was killed, his dead pictures could have been released.
If not at least funeral (burial) pictures in which his wounds are dressed and blood stains removed, could have been released.
GetzelParticipantthanks #2
GetzelParticipantthanks
GetzelParticipantA short review of this past week
1- A Birth Certificate
2- A Wedding Certificate
3- A Death Certificate
GetzelParticipantI’m cutting down on seafood for the following reasons:
1] BP oil spill
2] Japan’s radioactivity
3] Osama’s toe nail
May 3, 2011 4:58 pm at 4:58 pm in reply to: Skverer rebbi predicts predicted the assassination of Osama bin Laden This week #763900GetzelParticipantlisten the israeli media made a ruckes about it so why not enjoy it to?!
GetzelParticipantor u can go to boro park for pretty cheap and get a ride from shomer shabbos 53 and 13
GetzelParticipantlet out the heat here and not at home…………
GetzelParticipantDonald trump founder of a new group called ‘DEATHERS’ released a statement today requesting to see the death certificate of Osama!
GetzelParticipantMr 80 that was a good one
GetzelParticipantlets keep this thread rolling it should have at least one post a day.
GetzelParticipantWhy does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that to stop Windows 95 or 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid
is made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes?
Why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why do you need a driver’s license to buy booze when you can’t drink and
drive?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavoured cat food?
Why did kamakazi pilots wear crash helmets?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
March 28, 2011 7:16 pm at 7:16 pm in reply to: Bochrim Spray-Paint Over �Not Tzniyus� Advertisement #759979GetzelParticipant(?) ???????? ????????? ???? ????????? ???? ??????? ???????? ???????? ???????? ??????? ????????? ????? ????????:
(?) ???????? ????? ????? ?????????? ??? ????????? ?????????? ??? ????????? ??? ????? ?????????? ????? ????????? ??? ???????? ?????????? ??????????? ????? ?????? ??????????:
GetzelParticipantWife: Why have u been reading Our marriage certificate for an hour? Husband: i was looking for the expiration date!
February 6, 2011 5:00 am at 5:00 am in reply to: How Many Seconds After Havdalah Did YOU Check In? #879040GetzelParticipantas long as its after shabbos!
GetzelParticipantwas it a isreali president?
GetzelParticipantso far we have not heard anyone recieve their stuff! so you will have to contact your credit card and report fraud
GetzelParticipantsmartcookie
there is a seal or two that say it is secure
GetzelParticipantConveniently, the deal is only for today but customer service is closed for Martin Luther Kings Day.
This is the phone number on their website: 1.888.429.0444
I called and it did not say anything about reaching udiapers.com – it sounded like a personal cell phone number. The message said “Richinwat is not available at the moment. Sending you to voicemail”
GetzelParticipantanother email i just recieved;
Please do not order from this website. I know that many people have heard about their 50% off deal and many people are ordering.
I just spoke with Bugaboo and was told that they are not a legitimate website and you shouldn’t order from them.
If you placed an ordered please monitor your credit card transactions.
GetzelParticipantLaughter is the best therapy thats why I started this thread
GetzelParticipantThe Beauty of Mathematics
and the Love of God!
The math part is good,but the end is even better.
I bet you will NOT be able to read it without sending it on to at least one other person!
Beauty of Mathematics!!!!!!!
1 x 8 + 1= 9
12 x 8 + 2= 98
123 x 8 + 3= 987
1234 x 8 + 4= 9876
12345 x 8 + 5= 98765
123456 x 8 + 6= 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7= 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8= 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9= 987654321
1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111
9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888
Brilliant, isn’t it?
And look at this symmetry:
1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111 = 12345678987654321
Mind Boggling…
Now, take a look at this…
101%
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:
What Equals 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they
are giving more than 100%?
We have all been in situations where someone wants you to
GIVE OVER 100%…
How about ACHIEVING 101%?
What equals 100%in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help
answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O- R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And:
K-N-O-W-L-E- D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+ 5 = 96%
But:
A-T-T-I-T-U- D-E
1+20+20+9+20+ 21+4+5 = 100%
THEN, look how far the love of God will take you:
L-O-V-E-O-F- G-O-D
12+15+22+5+15+ 6+7+15+4 = 101%
Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will
get you there, It’s the Love of God that will put you over the top!
If you find this interesting share it with your friends & loved ones.
Have a nice day & God bless you
GetzelParticipantBIRTH
ORDER OF CHILDREN
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
_____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don’t bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month..
______________________________________________________
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?
_____________________________________________________
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress–a whimper, a frown–you pick up the baby
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
______________________________________________________
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in..
___________________________________________________
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby’s diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
_______________________________________________________
Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, Baby Zoo, Baby Movies and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.
______________________________________________________
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
______________________________________________________
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children
______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
______________________________________________________
Pass this on to everyone you know who has children .. . .. or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children. …
(The older the mother, the funnier this is!)
GRANDCHILDREN: God’s reward for allowing your children to live!
GetzelParticipantDid I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer’s field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)
GetzelParticipantbein_hasdorim
very good!
so the question is are your closets milchig parve or fleishig?
GetzelParticipantin Isreal there is another company that makes the lamps and is cheaper
GetzelParticipantIf you think it is overpriced, start manufacturing your own version and sell it for less
there is a paten on it
GetzelParticipantCan someone tell me why is costs about $39?!
it is a great thing but overpriced
GetzelParticipantThe best Shadchen is Roth Rabbi Pinchas D. 323-573-1136, 732-367-0241 Lakewood, N.J. he is expensive but gives his whole heart! keep up the grat work
January 3, 2011 9:49 pm at 9:49 pm in reply to: Professional Shadchanim vs. Personal Shadchanim #724013GetzelParticipantYes the reason is because we need to marry off our kids, if you cannot hold your ground and be forced by a shadchan you need help!
Thank you all the professional shadchanim out there please keep up your good hard work [even if means getting parents to realize that they are looking for the unsuitable and not Tzugepa$t $hiduchim]
GetzelParticipantJust think about this for a second:
Did you ever see anyone arrested wearing a Bush T-shirt, or for you older guys, an Eisenhower, Gerald Ford, Ronald Reagan, Richard Nixon, or Bob Dole shirt.
There MUST be a message here, but I can’t quite grasp it. Maybe you can help me out here…
If u look at the FBI website u will see 1t least 10 guys with OBAMA t shirts!
GetzelParticipantSorry not all names of jews were mentioned. And yes this is not my list but a email I received
GetzelParticipantIt’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. An architect
15. A doctor
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53.Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Leave him alone
GetzelParticipantTrue My friend
GetzelParticipantmaybe YWN an post thisin the news section since many have fallen prey to this hoax
GetzelParticipantFINALLY ? A great alternative to body scanners at airports . . The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports. It’s a booth you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. They see this as a win-win for everyone, with none of this ….. about racial profiling. It also would eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial. Justice would be swift. Case closed! You’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system . . . “Attention standby passengers we now have a seat available on flight number XXXX. Shalom!”
Hats off to the Israelis!
GetzelParticipantAdvice from Curtis & Leroy
Limit all US politicians to two terms..
One in office
One in prison
Detroit & Chicago already do this.
GetzelParticipantNot so much a joke but cute
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself and doesn’t feel
even the least bit weird shutting your
‘beer/Pepsi drawer’ with her foot!
*
A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend shoulder is soggy from your tears.. *
*
A simple friend doesn’t know your parents’ first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book..*
*
A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.
*
*
A simple friend hates it when you call after they’ve gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.*
*
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.*
*
**A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when
you have an argument.
A real friend calls you after you had a fight.. *
*
A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!
GetzelParticipantAtt: all posters on this thread I am so pleased to see that this thread has in the past year had almost a daily addition of new good jokes,
One of the reasons I started this thread was that we all scan the news and unfortunately there is almost always some bad news, this thread was made to give us people a moment of joy and laughter.
Since I am very busy at work I rarely have time to post but I really enjoy all of your jokes when I do get to see them. Thanks for keeping this thread at a high class.
Getzel
GetzelParticipantIF YOU’VE EVER BEEN CALLED FOR JURY DUTY…..THEN YOU HAVE TO KNOW THIS IS PRICELESS!
Enjoy a good laugh!
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place..
____________ ______________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _______________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________ ________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, “isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ ________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
____________ _______________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
____________ ___________________________________________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
____________ ________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________ ________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
____________ _________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________ _____________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________ _____________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________ ________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ __________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
And that my friends is a good example why, most politicians in our government and courts are lawyers
GetzelParticipantplease read all older posts before posting many jokes are in the thread already
GetzelParticipantThe four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
GetzelParticipanti mean that if they should endorse a candidate no one shall stand up and protest their decision even if it means hurting the rest of the city
GetzelParticipantDo you speak Yiddish
A man asks a passerby, “Do you speak Yiddish?”
The man shakes his head.
He asks a second man, but gets no answer.
He stops a third man. “Do you speak Yiddish?”
“Of course.”
“Please, vat time is it?”
GetzelParticipantIt’s the yahrtzeit of Herman Mendelbaum’s death and his
widow decides to make a pilgrimage to the cemetery to recite a prayer
over his grave and place a small stone, as is the tradition, to show
that the deceased is remembered.
She arrives at the cemetery, but it being a while since
she had been there, she is confused and cannot find poor Herman’s grave
site. Finally, she comes across a grounds-keeper who escorts her to a
small chapel on the cemetery grounds where the records are kept. Pouring
over large maps and lists, he finally turns to the widow and says,
“I can find no record of a Herman Mendelbaum buried
here. The closest I can find is a Sadie Mendelbaum.”
“That’s him!” she exclaims. “He always put everything in
my name.”
GetzelParticipantThe Lakewood VAAD has fallen out of favor with some members of the Lakewood community as of recent years. They failed to rally the support of the Lakewood community behind Jon Corzine in 2009. If they fail to rally the support of the community behind Senator Singer their endorsement will become virtually worthless.
WHAT DO YOU HOLD?
GetzelParticipantthanks YW Moderator-80
it was a email i received i did not know the source
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