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A wife need not be newly wed to do this. I am married for longer than Newly and I am still doing this, to my utmost regret, unfortunately. I think its because women think they are smarter and anyways even if we’re not we enjoy arguing.
But seriously now, speaking for myself at least I can say that people can make mistakes and husbands aren’t perfect.
Every girl /women/wife needs to read the book “Women’s Wisdom” by Rav Shalom Arush. Has changed my attitude.
One more thing, you should never ever lose hope or not have bitachon you will marry the man you dream of. I am saying this from experience. WIthout sharing too much of my personal life story, just put it like this…I never would have dreamt I’d get the wonderful tzadik husband I have. Kind, original, patient, honest, hardworking, serious Yidela. By all means it defies laws, rules, logic etc. But then again,,,who organized it..? HASHEM.
Nothing defies his decree.
Growingirl- According to halacha a ger/giroes cannot make the bracha “shelo asani goy”. I am referring to where you mentioned up above in your first correspondence that that bracha now means a lot to you. It could however, mean a lot spiritually and with inspiration.
I heard that there is a story of the Shach where 2 girls came to him with a “shaila” in torah, maybe Ramban or Rambam. I don’t know what they were asking, but he listened patiently and then asked his Rebbetzin to bring in a heimishe cake platter. Then he turned to the girls and said “when you are able to bake this..come back”.
The point was they were focusing on something that was unnecessary.
There is nothing wrong with learning, and there are lots of ladies all through the generations who were VERY learned and could even paskin, if needed, but the point is that ladies’ tikkun and duty is to first and foremost run the home, and know how to clean, bake, cook and teach /raise children properly. This totally does not mean it was any less of a “job”. Just as the kohanim were the ones cleaning the garbage of the bais hamikdash.
(By the way who decided this was a demeaning or denegrating job?)
All these ladies who could paskin, for example Rashi’s daughters had well run homes. (I assume)…I mean they were intelligent and we can expect they conducted themselves in the “middle of the road”, in all spheres. Ruchnius and Gashmius.
Look at the Aishes Chayil from Mishlei. Most of it is talking about the running of the home, but the Aishes Chayil type lady will take the mundane running of the home and take it to serve Hashem properly.
I know a Satmar Seminary girl who came home from school yesterday afternoon and she had spent the last period of the day together with her whole class in the teacher’s kitchen preparing and learning how to do a fancy cheesecake. They were focusing on how to do that zebra effect across the top. Apparently this class has already learnt how to do kreplach, shlishkes. They have a home budgeting class, using a pretend family set up for the year. They learn how to budget the family’s finances. Which is more important because not everyone is going to become teachers, and even if they do, teachers are still be responsible for budgeting their pay check.
One class they have in this Satmar Seminary is Shalom Bayis or Toras Habayis, as the teacher also calls it. Another class they take is how to handle shmiras haloshen when giving information for shiddichum. Again, I must reiterate this is not to say they are not learning everything else such as Teaching Children Literature, Special Ed., Parsha, Yehadas, Hilchos shaboos, teaching methods, computers, accounting.
In my opinion all of these courses are far more practical and realisitic for the future than Calculus, biology, high maths, and learning goyisher literature. I understand they teach these in some of the Bais Yakkov schools. My question is what these girls need that for.
Even if girls could learn how to do cooking with their mother in the kitchen, its a chore and usually under tension and pressure out of sheer need erev shabbos or otherwise. There is no comparing it to the new and fresh perspective a girl feels when learning it in a educative-style-environment, knowing she is going to be practicing these new skills in the home she will build, after marriage. They take pride in the lessons and skills they learn.
mw13 : In response to your comment as follows : “As a Monsey resident, I can tell you that the neighborhood that has the biggest “bum crisis”, as you put it, has the most BTs. I’m sorry if this theory offends you, but I’m fairly certain it’s real”
Either you’re unknowledgeable or just plain ignorant but the facts are that places like Lakewood has one of the biggest drug and alcohol problem amongnst their bocherim. But Just like other problems its swept under the table. And Lakewood is not a camp of BT’s.
By the way, just out of curiosity, which shetls/cities are you referring which are made up of the BT’s whose kids are at risk or already going off the derech? I am not aware that BT’s congregated together for making statistics such as what you’re coming up with.
I thought its a minhag for shalom bayis
Myfriend : You wrote “Question for the BT’s who are upset with FFB’s who don’t consider BT’s for shidduchim:
Would you consider a shidduch with a Ger (convert) just as quickly as you would with a non-convert?
In anwser to your question, my husband is a ger.
What difference does it make what name brand the tag on the dress is as long as you are covered? In other words, if one takes upon himself the Mitzvos and Torah is that not enough? Or we have to have labels? If Hashem wanted us to all keep to our “types” that we’re from, then there would have been more than 12 tribes ascribed. There would be tribes of gerim, BT’s and whatever else you want.
Would you have considered Yisro (Moshe Rabainu’s father in law) from Midian for your daughter? Or you prefer someone with same background over him?
I resent the comment posted above by mw13 who stated as a fact it is more common for children of BT’s to go off the derech than from FFB homes. I disagree entirely. Maybe you can kindly explain then why Monsey and Monroe are having a “bum” crisis?.. Not too many BT’s there in comparision to the Frum families who “know how to parent” naturally, as you stated above.
Ushpizin
It is hard for me to write this. But I want to share with you all the pain of my beautiful daughter since it is relevant to all of the above discussion. I happen to have been born friar but used my free will to turn around to serve Hashem by dedicating our lives to him, willingly. We are a BT family, and my daughter is in the parsha but when she comes to me with tears in her eyes and asks “who is going to settle for me?” it mamish breaks my heart. Not that I don’t believe she will get the best heart.
However, although we have been frum and totally integrated into our culture around us she has nightmares of marrying some decrepit, handicapped, or worse some “bum” – because of her background. SHe cries when she thinks how all her friends are naturally going to get “the best shidduchim” and she fears life and the future. And bemoans her fate that she will have to take someone with “a problem”. I have explained to her that there is someone perfect for her, because she is a good girl, so naturally the boy will be her perfect match. I paint a picture that due to the class system circumstances, even her friends can’t have the good catch from the “pool of bochurim” she must shop from and I say jokingly that is ‘their loss’…but at the end of the day none of this can take her fears away. I try telling her that being the son of a rosh yeshiva or coming from a rebbish heime doesn’t mean the boy has a good heart or middos.
I believe at the end of the day the only thing left we have is bitachon. Look/ think of how many families who had yichus, money, etc are suffering from their spouses today. Some of the “best” families I have unfortunately had the acquaintence of, have had the worst middos, and led me to question if they even have a basic belief in G-d. MeanWhile others have left me wondering how it can be they were brought up and educated in supposedly the best schools, since they seemed to have absorbed very little in hilchos bein adom l’chavero. I must say that I would not necessarily want any of these ‘best families’ for my kids. We know it is written everything in this world is upside down. And those who look honorable from the outside is not always necessarily so. THose with big names, titles, or recognition does not mean yiras shomayim.
But yeah, I am a little annoyed at the class system at the end of the day as well.
The best answer I have read so far was aries2756 although I also like and agree with AidleMaidle.
In my experience and opinion the reason the divorce rate is high in general and also particularly even higher before/in Tishrei is all due to the fact that the Yetzer Hara becomes very strong in this time, not to mention He is strong in this Dor.
Ribbono Shel olam is about to dish out all decrees and blessings for the upcoming year and the Yetzer Hara is doing all he can to see that we mess it up.
He sees all the yidden and married couples who are normally maybe good friends, living as righteous role models, leaders of the family and home and so he is determined to murder them. It can start over something stupid, (the argument). Then it escalates to threats of “get out” “i want a divorce”. So, it all comes down to nothing more than working and improving ourselves and davening for help.
I strongly suggest each and every woman read “WOmen’s Wisdom” by Rav Shalom Arush. (and no I am not a breslover chasid) But it really touches on all those points in which women have to face challenges and rise up to our higher calling with strength and courage. I also recommend Men read “The Garden of Peace” which is the man’s equivalent from the same author.
In short, the divorce crisis is about fighting our common enemy. The Evil Inclination who blinds us from forgiveness, bitachon, our partner’s good qualities and love. And its like he is whispering in our ears all the shallow and fearful insecurities we don’t want to hear, to paint a bleak picture of life and reality. But we have one weapon. 1) We CAN fight back and 2) Davening, Tehilim, etc. In short, we have bechira and can fight back.
In my opinion, whats just as bad as girls “Congregating on street corners” is ladies congregating on street corners, dressed in the best when waiting for Hatzolah party school buses to take them to the party.
I am talking about the method in which we go to Parties in my neighborhood. The organizations throwing the party advertise the times when the buses will pass by all the street corners. We only have to wait on the corner to get picked up by the school buses and we’re taken out to the hotel party for the absolutely great organizations we all depend on such as Hatzolah or bikur cholim. Sounds like a great system right? Great service.
The problem with this however, is as i have described, this causes attention. On one corner in particular there is an outdoor goyisher restaurant next to where we stand. I notice a lot of goyish men and women looking and staring at the Yiddisher women, because let’s admit it they are dressed up and attractive! And I mean really looking! It really is not appropriate. I have decided not to go to parties by bus by waiting in this system’s manner. So unless I can get a private driver to take me, I am out of this practice.
How dangerous on the scale of dangerous is having a 1.3 blood sugar score? One night I had taken too much insulin and went down to 1.3. I know it felt bad but could I have died?
Anytime I need to remove stains from clothing I always use Oxyclean. Get the real brand Oxyclean not something that says oxygen lifting formula. Use real hot water. Do not try this on taffeta or silk.
How is the little baby now?
So much serious work and talk about conquering anger going on in here! I read some guy squeak boast he had had 2 ‘anger free’ weeks. I would be happy if I could have 1 hour without getting angry. I don’t know where to go or how to begin even tackling this. I wake up and I am angry about my life…etc.