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First step: you feel terrible
Second stage: you know it’s wrong, but don’t feel bad.
Third stage: You not only don’t feel bad, it feels right.
Next stage: It controls you.
The bad news is you’re heading in the wrong direction.
The good news is, you still know it’s wrong and still have the power to change. (of course change is always within our power, but at last stage, it is very very hard)
Minyan gal: Gotta save your sanity ? (kidding)
There is no “e” in that entire paragraph. It’s a pretty common letter, so having it missing is noteworthy.
binahyeseira: correct ?
How quickly can you find out what is so unusual about this paragraph? It looks so ordinary that you would think that nothing is wrong with it at all, and, in fact, nothing is. But it is unusual. Why? If you study it and think about it, you may find out, but I am not going to assist you in any way. You must do it without coaching. No doubt, if you work at it for long, it will dawn on you. Who knows? Go to work and try your skill. Par is about half an hour.
Mir Rosh Yeshiva, Hagaon Rav Chaim Shmulevitz Zatzal
“Our rabbi’s teach a man to honor his wife more than he would himself, while a wife is deemed virtuous if she does the will of her husband.
As long as the husband abides by the former and the wife by the latter, their home will be blessed with marital bliss.
It is when they switch roles the wife demanding love and respect and the husband expecting total subservience – that the troubles begin!”
Rav Chaim Shmulevitz Zatzal quoted in Sefer Torah Tavlin
I am not learned enough to know everything chazal say. I do know however, that chazal say a boy should marry young in order not to fall into sin. This refers to normal healthy boys.
Addiction is a sickness, and marriage will NOT cure him. And in fact there unfortunately today there are too many frum men who are addicted and they have wonderful wives, but it doesnt help them.
HaLeiVi:
Did you not read what moderator 42 wrote? ” ZK, if you saw the other things he tried to post you would understand.”
A person in need of real help in this area belongs getting it before he gets married. Marriage will not cure him. And it’s not fair to do that to an innocent girl.
1. Shabbat is the 7th day of the week.
2. There are 7 weeks in the counting of the Omer before
Shavuot. (Leviticus 23:15)
3. In Israel, there are 7 days of Passover and Sukkot.
(Leviticus 23:6, 34)
4. Every 7th year, the land lays fallow during Shmita
(Sabbatical year). (Leviticus 25:4)
5. After 7 cycles of Shmita, we have a Jubilee year (Yovel).
(Leviticus 25:8)
6. When a close relative dies, we sit Shiva for 7 days.
7. On Sukkot we shake 7 species – 1 Lulav, 1 Esrog, 2 willows,
and 3 myrtles.
8. Yitro, the first real convert to Judaism, had 7 different
names, and 7 daughters (one who married Moses).
9. Moses was born and died on the same day – the 7th of Adar.
10. Our Sukkah huts are “visited” by 7 guests – Abraham, Isaac,
Jacob, Moses, Aaron, Joseph and David.
11. The Menorah in the Temple had 7 branches.
12. Achashvarosh, King of Persia during the miracle of Purim,
held a party for 7 days. (Esther 1:5)
13. There are 7 holidays in the Jewish year: Rosh Hashana, Yom
Kippur, Sukkot, Chanukah, Purim, Passover, and Shavuot.
14. In addition to the 613 Commandments, the Sages added 7
more.
15. There are 7 Noachide Laws pertaining to all humanity.
16. At every Jewish wedding, 7 blessings are recited (Sheva
Brachot).
17. Each Shabbat, 7 people are called to the Torah reading
(Aliyot).
18. The first verse in the Torah contains 7 words (and 28
letters).
19. Our Matriarch Leah had 7 children – six sons and one
daughter.
20. There were 7 days of preparation for the construction of
the Tabernacle in the desert. (Leviticus 8:35)
21. Traditionally, the bride circles the groom 7 times under
the Chuppah (wedding canopy).
22. We wind the Tefillin straps around the arm 7 times.
23. Moses was the 7th generation after Abraham.
24. Each plague in Egypt lasted 7 days.
25. In Pharaoh’s dreams there were 7 cows and 7 stalks of
grain. (Genesis 41)
26. The Biblical contamination period typically lasts 7 days.
(Leviticus 13:4)
27. God created 7 levels of heaven. (Hence the expression, “I’m
in 7th heaven!”)
28. On Shabbat and holidays, we recite 7 blessings in the
silent Amidah.
29. There are 7 special species of produce by which the Land of
Israel is praised: wheat, barley, grapes, pomegranates, figs,
olives, and dates. (Deut. 8:8)
30. The world has 7 continents.
31. The 7 weeks of the Omer correspond to the 7 “sefirot,” the
7 behavior traits in which we serve God: kindness, strength,
beauty, triumph, splendor, foundation, and kingship.
32. Noah sent the dove and the raven out of the Ark for 7 days
to inspect the weather conditions. (Genesis 8:10)
33. 7 nations warred with Israel: Canaanites, Hittites,
Hivites, Amorites, Perizzites, Jebusites, and Girgashites.
34. On Yom Kippur, the High Priest sprinkled the blood in the
Temple 7 times. (Leviticus 16)
35. The Jewish New Year of Rosh Hashana occurs, surprisingly,
in the 7th month — Tishrei. (Leviticus 23:24)
36. The Jewish calendar, largely lunar, has a cycle of
intercalation that contains 7 leap years during each 19-year
period.
37. There are 7 notes on the musical scale.
38. A Kohen (priest) should participate in the burial of 7
relatives: father, mother, sister, brother, son, daughter, and
spouse. (Leviticus 21:2)
39. We dance 7 circles (hakafot) on the holiday of Simchat
Torah.
40. The smallest allowable dimension of a Sukkah is 7 by 7
handbreadths.
41. The world has 7 seas.
42. Joshua led the Jewish People around the walls of Jericho 7
times before the walls fell. (Joshua 6:15)
43. Jacob worked for Laban for 7 years (twice) in order to
marry his daughters. (Genesis 29:27)
44. The Holy Temple contained 7 gates of entry.
45. We recite 7 blessings every day before and after the
“Shema” — 3 in the morning and 4 at night.
46. The Talmud lists 7 female prophets: Sarah, Miriam, Deborah,
Hannah, Avigail, Chuldah, and Esther.
47. A Jewish servant regains freedom in the 7th year. (Exodus
21:2)
48. We conclude our Yom Kippur prayers by proclaiming7 times,
“The Lord is God!”
49. A Jewish wedding is followed by 7 days of celebration
(Sheva Brachot).
With blessings from Jerusalem,
Rabbi Shraga Simmons
Aish.com
Sacrilege: Derech HaMelech’s words may seem overly dramatic, but he is 100% correct.
Examples of checking profiles:
http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/profile/moishy
http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/profile/stickynote
http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/profile/jolly-rancher
change the members name to check that member’s profile.
whatever
Health:
I looked at some of your posts, and I guess it’s wrong to say I seldom agree with you. I guess it’s just that your way of thinking is so different than mine, that those posts I disagree with really stands out in my mind.
These two statements:
“while the males are usually logical even if I don’t agree.”
“Then again some men here I constantly disagree with, perhaps they think like women.”
are a bit contraditory, don’t you think?
the saying comes to mind: “we judge a persons intelligence by how much they agree with us.”
Health:
“everytime I try to have an intellectual discussion with a woman, it turns into an argument….We don’t think the same as the opposite gender”
I seldom agree with your posts (though I don’t post to let you know it). There are some male posters here, that I seldom disagree with. And my thinking doesn’t seem different in general with the males I interact with in general.
So I really don’t think your arguments with women here has anything to do with the different way men and women think. Only that “I” (and the ones arguing with you here) and you, just don’t think the same.
bsd:
“Aside from the the mods who do it on their boss’s time clock you are obviously asking a rhetorical question, possibly looking to pick a fight. “
She isn’t looking for a fight. I too wondered how it’s possible that some posters, who are clearly employed, have so much time to post. Her question is legitimate, and i’m glad she asked it, since it may be considered maris ayin and it’s given the opportunity to these posters to explained themselves (which some did).
groisnaches:
If you shave your head, you will certainly get “special hatzlacha with important things”
How can you give up such an opportunity?
I don’t allow my children to carry for others on Shabbos, even though I allow them to use the eruv.
Don’t ask me to open a bottle of soda for you on Shabbos, even though I would do it for myself. I’m not your Shabbos goy.
But,
Haifagirl: If you don’t want to look up things up online for your friend, because she believes the internet is treif, send her to me. I’ll gladly do it for her. Kol Hakovod to anyone who doesn’t use the internet at all.
If someone is afraid to go into a certain store because of the kind of people who work there, and they know someone who goes in all the time, there would be nothing wrong with her asking that person to buy something for her since he goes there all the time anyway.
Avraham Schwartzbaum writes in The Bamboo Cradle that he asked a rabbi if it’s ok to keep a kosher home, but outside the home not keep kosher. The Rabbi answered, what he answers to people who ask this question, is that their dishes will go to heaven. If I use the net at work and not at home, because the net in my office is in an open place as opposed to my home, is that the same thing? Common sense should tell you, it is not.
Let’s not compare apples and oranges.
He lives in Monsey.
Many years ago, I would frequent a pizza shop. The counterman was a Mexican and being that I went there so often I would say hello to him. Once I was the only one there, and he asked me if I would like to go with him that night to a party. I couldn’t believe it. From a simple hello, he understood i was interested in him! He was insulted when I said no. I made it my business to never again make this mistake. I am never friendly to men by the counters of any store even if I’m there very often.
It seems here that people think making a kiddush Hashem means acting in a way that the goyim will think well of us. It isn’t. It’s acting the way a Jewish person is supposed to behave. In yiddishkeit, opposite genders are suppossed to behave distant from each other.
Yalili is a word and girl’s name in Arabic. I don’t know though what it means.
There is another segulah for the one looking for a shidduch to open the door for Eliyahu Hanavi while holding a lit candle.
Use a sidder with interlinear translation. Reading the english while saying the hebrew is certain to help with kavana.
Fire kills, and fire cooks. Fire isn’t addictive.
If a person would be busy with fire a whole day, they would need help from a therapist, as its user is clearly unwell. If one uses fire dangerously, they shouldn’t be allowed to use fire at all.
What a person must do with the internet is create walls and fences to insure it’s used wisely and not overused. Otherwise, it’s better not to use it at all.
Knives are dangerous weapons, and useful. If someone is in the habit of cutting themselves with it, it should be under lock and key.
There is no comparison between the internet and other items that help us but are potentially dangerous.
elegant reflections 5416 11th ave 917-803-9307 12-5 on Sunday
Berkowitz 1481 58th St. 718-854-2066 Sunday: 11-1 Tuesday: 7-8
Augenbraun’s Bridal 1493 Coney Island Avenue 718-375-5954
An idea:
you asked two questions, yet nobody here seems to care about answering the first one.
From what I have observed, shalom bayis is alive and well in most frum homes.
As for the second question. what hurts most?
*Incompatibility.
*Some people just can’t get along with others, so it wouldn’t make a diff who they married.
*Never being taught to handle life’s challanges effectively.
Pretty surprised that so few posted on this thread. Is it that most ppl don’t feel the net is addictive (are you human?), or you’re embarrassed to admit it is?
I think that even perfectly kosher shows and dvds are bad for children.
The problem with even kosher ones are when kids are in class, their mind is on the movie they watched.
True, children need an outlet. How about doing some arts n crafts? playing a game? drawing, painting, playing music, reading? How about saying some tehillim, or learning?
I allow my children to watch MBC and YBC. I wish I never allowed it. They would have been much better off.
I used to allow The Berentstein Bears. Bad idea. The moment my 5 yr son came home from cheder, he wanted to watch TBB. If I didn’t let, he cried. I no longer allow it, and what does he do instead? He plays lego, clicks, memory game, or we just talk. He reviews kriya even if he already reviewed it once.
Nobody on my block allows their daugthers to watch movies. All the girls are bh very well adjusted. When they get bored, they find themselves something to do. Movies dull a persons mind.
My computer has two “Users”. Half the password for Administrative User I know, the other half my kids know. If they don’t put in their half, I can’t use the internet. This usually
means that until around 5:00pm, the internet cannot be used, except for gmail accounts, since the other “User” that everyone knows the complete password for only allows gmail.
K9 internet filter also allows one to specify hours that internet cannot be used. So between 11:00pm till 7:00am, the net usually cannot be used. That too, half of the K9 password I know, and the other half my kids know. If I ever activate after 11:00, I would only allow it for 15 minutes, so that always stops me from using it longer.
I have K9 installed. I know only half of the password, my kids know only the other half.
I have two users on my computer. The administrator user, same thing with password. I know half, my kids, the other half. On that user, we can use the internet, but k9 filtered. And only if both I and my kids enter the password together to log onto administrator.
Everyone knows the password to log onto the other user. On that user we can use everything on the computer except internet. The only site it allows is gmail. Nothing more.
The Gemara14 relates that “Kimchis had seven sons, all of whom merited to serve as Kohanim Gedolim, High Priests. The Sages asked her, ‘What have you done to merit this?’ She answered them: ‘The rafters of my house have never seen the plaits of my hair.’ “
This is the main reason chassidishe women shave their hair. To have good children.
Divorced people usually aren’t interested in people knowing their status. For many, it’s an embarrassment so why would they want to advertising it? Usually more than enough people already know, so it won’t hinder their chances for shidduchim.
If you are looking to set someone up, and want to know who is divorced, simply ask some people.
Feif Un:
“believer3, you just made a bigger statement about your community: “We judge you based on how you dress, not on how you act.” “
Nowhere does believer3 make any statement about how someone acts. Where do you see that she/he does?
In Judiasm, both how you dress and how you act make a statement. Kosher is both inside and outside.
“Flower: making excuses for what the experts and common sense tell us is inexcusable behavior is just wrong. Do you argue with your doctor? Where was that parent before they got engaged? Once married let that all caring parent have a professional or a rov encourage the divorce. “
Someone here said that the number 2 reason for divorce is in-law interference. My point was not always when the in-laws are interfering are they wrong. Many times they are right. And very often they do check with a rebbe or rav to make sure they are doing the right thing. It is sometimes very difficult for someone to just walk away from a bad marriage without the support of the parents, especially if it occurs when they are young. So in may be that real invalid in-law interferences may not be the second most common reason for divorce (though I know it can be a reason)
A woman who gave birth to a baby with a problem told her doctor that it’s interesing that on her block several babies were recently born with problems. The doctor responded that what is interesting is how most babies are born healthy. A healthy baby is a miracle.
I think the same can be said about marriage. The fact that two people can be made to live together and most stay marriage forever, that is a miracle.
I would say that many marriages that end in divorced, even before the engagement, there wasn’t a big level of comfort in making the engagement to begin with.
Sure, there are divorces that happen because of interfences from the in-laws, however, just because people say that was the cause doesn’t mean that is the cause. Parents may encourage their child to leave a marriage simply because they see it’s bad for their child. Doesn’t mean the child isn’t thrilled to pieces to get divorced. All they need is that support from their parents.
We all make mistakes, and sometimes the marriage is a mistake because there is simply no compatibility.
Sometimes one partner is really an emotionally sick person, and no matter what the other partner does to make the marriage work, it won’t help.
There are those that don’t walk around with socks on Motzei Shabbos, because an avel removes his shoes after Shabbos and walks around with socks.
A pushita yid:
You have things backwards.
“Women must know that they have an innate attractiveness to their husbands, and as long as they try to look nice and talk gently and supportively to him, he will love her 100 times back.”
If a man will be nice and talk gently and supportive to his wife, she will love him 100 times more back.
“Women must adjust to a man’s way of thinking.”
a man must do the same for his wife.
“A good man is kind to all, regardless.”
Certainly not with such an attitude.
From Chofetz Chaim Hilchot Rechilut: Chapter 9
Certainly if the observer knows that a deception is in progress he should warn the customer. [One of the examples:]
C. If the shopkeeper is inflating the price. This is only if the price is inflated more by than one sixth (i.e. one fifth of the correct price); the Chafetz Chaim explains that overcharging by less than one sixth may be permissible.
Personally, as for menchlichkeit, I don’t see anything wrong with what she did. In her eyes, she was doing you a favor and while you didn’t appreciate it, a lot of people would have.
World saver:
1000% and very well said!
I think mid-winter vacation is a good idea. My kids kvetch a lot about not going to who knows where, but even so, I think they benefit from having a few days off. I take off one day from work to spend with them, and we all have fun. True that I would prefer that they not have those few days off, but that’s a self centered attitude.
The question is:
What is worse: putting oneself in physical danger, or putting oneself into spiritual danger?
If both are bad, who cares what is worse? Both shouldn’t be used.
However, I would say without a doubt that a spritual harm is a whole lot worse than physical harm.
One difference between them is: facebook looks innocent and is potentially harmful. Smoking everyone knows is harmful.
Moderator-80:
While nobody keeps such things secret, many people wouldn’t like it that it became a subject of discussion on this board.
I know I wouldn’t.
I think you should write your sister a letter. This way you can be careful what you say, and you won’t be putting her on the spot.
It would be a real pity if there was just a misunderstanding that has caused this. Or perhaps she has a real reason, that is easy to fix.
If she doesn’t want to offer any reason, she can just ignore the letter. And if you think it’s better, you could state in the letter that while you would love an explanation, it’s not necessary for her to respond if she doesn’t want to. Or she can respond whenever she feels up to it.
If you word it right, you won’t offend her. And no harm will be done.
I don’t agree with those who say leave it alone, just be happy she’s happy. You can be happy she’s happy, but if something can be done, why not try? Futhermore, she may not be happy, but doesn’t want you to know it and that’s why she is keeping away. (Obviously you should take this possiblity with a large grain of salt, since of course I don’t know that is true, just throwing out a possiblity, since I know people who made believe they were the happiest married couple, while nothing was further from the truth.)
“These women want the best OB doc, but when the doc decides to do a procedure, they all scream I don’t want it -it’s not necessary. If you don’t want to have any procedures use a mid-wife, not a doctor; that is the difference between the two!”
I’m sure this is news to not just me. Procedures are to be done when necessary, whether one is using a midwife or doc. If mid-wife can’t do the procedure, she calls in a regular doctor provided the procedure is necessary. If it isn’t necessary, a regular doctor shouldn’t be performing it either.
Patients should always be pro-active when dealing with doctors. If something isn’t necessary, then women have the right to object it not get done. And that right shouldn’t be compromised just because she wants the best doctor.
“A midwife in a hospital is the best of both worlds.”
I agree!!
Giving birth is scary. How anyone can be comfortable doing it at home is beyond me.
Aries:
“You feel that women can’t be trusted. I feel that women who are happy can be trusted. WE DISAGREE.”
Actually, this is not what we disagree with. I happen to think women can be trused. At least a whole lot more than men.
If you look at my previous posts you will see that what I disagree with is your premise that a happy woman won’t fall prey to the net, while an unhappy woman, if she is susceptible to the net, she will be susceptible finding bad outlets without the net too. I dont believe that is true at all.
Your story about someone calling you proves nothing.
Just the fact you received that phone call, changes your perception, but may not be reality. Just like a person who is mugged will believe crime went up, even if crime really went down.
1. as I mentioned before, I guarantee most sheitel machers didn’t receive such a call.
2. It was ONE man who called you.
3. It was a MAN who called, not a female client who requested help in finding someone.
Sure these things are not new. But there is no comparison to sick men randomly makinig phone calls, (and randomly finding a woman in a vulnerable state), which most frum women likely hung up on, and having a source in the home for those who need an outlet by looking for someone to talk. It was not women who were calling men on the phone!!
And the internet is ADDICTIVE. I saw a cartoon that says it all. A message popped up on the computer screen, “you have been online for one year, would you like to get off and get a life?”.
Aries:
I changed my mind about not explaining.
I guarantee you more than 95% of the sheitel machers in brooklyn didn’t receive the kind of phone call you did. And you know of ONE sheitel macher who did this. If there were more, there were very very few. Well, this “sheitel macher” of today are in 1000’s of peoples homes.
Futhermore, for a frum woman to do this, no matter how unhappy she is, she has to have very weak hashkafos and/or be sick in the head.
Not so online. One can be completely anonymous online. One can just “chat”. No big deal. Which is a vast differences from being willing to meet a strange man in person set up by this sheitel macher doing who knows what.
After a long time chatting with one person they selected, feelings can take over, logic flies out the window, and then all hovac can break lose.
And indeed these things happen even to women with good marriages.
And it’s very poshut to understand that having access to bad places in your own home, is vastly different than going out to the places you mentioned. They are many miles apart.
And btw, ARIES, there was something in your post that I never heard of. The things I read on YWN boggles the mind!!! This is a frum site, why should I be learning about some garbage that until now I never heard of? People ought to post in a more subtle way. There is no reason to be so explicit.
Aries:
“If someone is unhappy in their marriage and they want to find a way to get some happiness in their lives, they don’t need a computer to do it. Does the internet make it easier? Sure, it makes everything easier, but again even those who don’t have a computer will find their way to happiness if they want to”
You missed my point, and I won’t explain it again.
However, I do strongly object to your using the word “happiness”. You can call it pleasure, addictions, get relief from pain or many other words. But happiness they do not get.
I have a cd called “The road to happiness” by Rabbi Frand. He asks if happiness means pleasure, and said that the celebrities in hollywood seek nothing but pleasure, yet, they are not happy at all. I heard a BT speak who used to work with celebrities from Hollywood and said “they are the most miserable people on earth.”
Sorry smartcookie
Aries:
You are articulate and insightful, but I stand by what I said. For one thing, if, as we believe, that men have a harder time and are much more prone to this type of behavior, then it is more men who would be doing bad things with or without the internet. A whole lot more than the women.
People are unaware of how strong the yetzer hara is. And how sneaky. At first everything is “I’m careful”. I would never do something bad. Then the first time someone does something even a little bad, the person feels terrible, and says never again. But the yetzer is strong, and there comes a second time too. With each time, it gets just a teansy bit easier, until there is no longer a battle. And of course when there is no battle anymore, it means the person lost the battle. This can happen to the strongest man or woman. The one who davens erlich, learns a lot (if it’s a man), says tehillim etc. The tzadik or tzadeikis!! My point is, a woman who won’t go out looking for trouble, might get into trouble by having the internet in her home!!!
There is a joke, “A clean house is a sign of a broken computer”.
For those who think it’s no big deal if a woman spends too much time online, think again. The kids suffer, the husband suffers, and the women herself suffers.
Imagine a woman who doesn’t have children after being married many years (or some other tzorah). If she needs something to do, to distract herself, she may take out a tehillim and cry to Hashem. Or, she will go shopping. Or go out with friends. Not so with a computer. She can spend hours online, and it’s a waste of precious time, even if she doesn’t do anything wrong. And don’t make the mistake. A woman is not immune to the yetzer hara.
Smartcookie:
“Flowers, unfortunately these things happened when women were unhappy way before the internet was invented. When women are unhappy opportunity finds away to find them with or without the internet.”
You gotta wonder then what the fuss is about the internet anyway, since according to you, anyone who wants to do wrong will find a way without the net too. And those that don’t want to do wrong, won’t be affected the net.