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Sushi: If your intention is to embarrass me, you didn’t. I don’t think I need you to judge my English especially in a forum like this–it’s not a term paper
I wasn’t aware that baalei teshuva text on Shabbos
It’s easy only if you’ve grown up with Shabbos. What would you have us do. Shabbos is supposed to be an oneg and if there are ways to enhance the oneg, what is wrong with that? Would you have us sit in the dark because electricity may be viewed as assur?
Golfer: mostly mothers are looking for dates for their daughters with the hope they’re the best for them. I guess you aren’t involved in shidduchim at the moment as you would have known how hard it is to get dates for girls especially when they are over 21.
I have friends who live there and I have spent Shabbosos there. It is also referred to as the Northeast. Yes, there is a frum community there with at least two major Orthodox shuls (one more yeshivish, more like Young Israel) and at least one shtieble. Kosher food is available in the major supermarkets but many people go to Lakewood for better selection and prices. The neighborhood is a mix, mostly lower-class whites and some minorities, and there are not a lot of choices of schools. Younger people and those who can afford it move to suburbs such as Elkins Park, but real estate from what I understand is still pretty affordable. Best to contact the rav of the Ahavas Torah shul, who can give you more insights.
Golfer: I’m speaking from first-hand experience. Your experience may be different, but I can speak only from what I have observed personally. I have daughters in shidduchim and I can tell you some of the things I have heard. Not everyone is as described but there is enough of it that one can get the sense there is something wrong. I think your wicked stepmother analogy is a little overboard. But I have heard mothers who are “looking for the best deal” for their sons, and “I have resumes with prettier girls.” I am sure there are boys who want the pretty girls, but their mothers are the first line of defense when the resumes come pouring in.
I am not sure I agree that boys want thin pretty girls more than their mothers. In any case, the mothers do the screening and middos arent the top of the list. Thin and pretty, money, yeah, those are the important things
Frum people with handicaps do get married, so there are big hearted people who look past the disability because they see virtues of the person. There is especially in these days too much stress on physical perfection, at least for the girl. Mothers looking for their sons want someone who is pretty and a size zero, leaving heavier girls and those not so pretty in the class of those with disabilities. Get the mothers out of the process!
I’m no fan of interracial marriages because of the mixed kids they produce, which can pose problems for them. But that aside, I don’t know why a person would want to become part of a hostile atmosphere by marrying into a family that just won’t accept him. Sounds like masochistic move.
Kollel Store (KRM) has the best prices and a parking lot. Moisha’s in Flatbush is owned by the same people and prices are comparable. I hope you don’t feel the need to pay higher prices for a pretty store experience. Goldbergs is also pretty good.
Going crazy over abstaining from music? You need to ask yourself why that is the case, or whether it is even true whether a person cannot survive without music for an extended period. Could you explain what not coping means to you?
Daniel, have you ever asked your friend what brought on the change?
I know the feeling. People prioritize their lives and I guess this ranks low. That may seem like we have nothing better to do, but maybe we are more sensitive to other people’s feelings. Meanwhile, I have been looking for someone to chat with online regularly and have yet to find one.
That study that Pruzansky cited of graduates of MO high schools did not reflect that many of those attending the schools are not shomer shabbos to begin or marginally. No study well establishes anything, Joseph.
It’s not a theory, it’s just an observation that people go off the derech even from the most cloistered communities. Not sure where you came to make your comment; I wasn’t quantifying anything, other that no community is immune from going off the derech, and I don’t see you producing any statistics to back your comments either.
I have heard that people even in cloistered communities such as Meah Shearim or New Square go off. As thinking beings, individuals may decide this is not for them, and presto, they’re gone. Nothing new about that. But let’s look at how our frum society operates. Highest value is placed on learning, but what if you’re not good at it or not interested in it? Suddenly that places you a rung or more below others. Or say you grow up in a very chumaradik home, and you feel suffocated. Or maybe people view the hypocrisy of frum people who act and dress frum and then act dishonestly in business. People going off the derech come from all sorts of backgrounds, and have all sorts of reasons, and only by discussing it with the person going off can you get a sense of why they choose that path and see if concerns can be addressed that will bring the back.
This is not advice as much as a question–why does someone go off the derech, except for some dissatisfaction with Yiddishkeit
Maybe one word each for personality and physical?
I am looking for a shidduch for my daughter who is learning now and plans to work after a few years. My experience with shadchanim (I don’t know of any who limit their practice to this type)is that they really don’t seem to have anyone that fits that bill or it’s just too tough to set them up because most girls are looking for long-term learners. My advice to you is to reach out to married friends in your yeshiva and hope they can set you up.
Why don’t you just ask your posek? I think this is fake thread.
Patur: I don’t believe you are a girl heading for seminary. More likely an older guy with a lot of free time on his hands.
What is the point of applying to all those seminaries and emptying your parents pockets with the application fees? It’s enough of fortune to go, have you no rachamanus on your parents’ cash flow?
Seems like yichus has been given a bigger place in shidduchim than it ought to. Shameful that a boy should be rejected for the stated reason, but I do want to ask whether the young man in question felt it meant something to him to have a such a shidduch suggested to him?
Whatever Satmar believes, the hateful comments that come from some of their members is shameful.
there are no guarantees that people will remain frum. Never heard of a frum person deciding to become oisfrum sometime during the marriage? Only you can determine how strong her frumkeit is now, and like anything else in marriage, you have to consider this aspect of the person.
Golfer: I was commenting on Lior’s post.
Not sure what you’re referring to about not in line with Taryag mitzvos–are you talking about movies? If so,please cite which of the Taryag mitzvos specifically makes them assur. I don’t go to movies, but I am not part of the “everything is assur” crowd.
I don’t know if you noticed, but a lot of people don’t wear hats for bentching, davening, etc. So what does that make them? Sinners?
I didn’t think you had any statistics, but anecdotally, there is evidence. One seminary head lamented the number of shanah rishona divorces there were, and a week doesn’t go by that I don’t hear of another.
What exactly is the rush? You cannot possibly know enough about each other after two dates to get engaged. Further dating may bring out characteristics that one cannot live with. A flower doesn’t grow overnight; give your relationship time to blossom.
Daas Yachid: We all need to be accepting of other yidden and when he tells me has strong hashkafos despite music and ovies, I will believe him. Maybe it’s not the same hashkafos as you would have, but we shouldn’t look down on others or question them. The music and movies are minor issues compared with what’s really important.
It’s an interesting question. From my experience,even yeshivish boys will come to the house of a girl and then take it off in the car. So I don’t think wearing the hat determines a hashkafa. The better question is whether you would be honest with the girl, or try to hide your changes. Sadly, many a people find out after they’re married that their spouse was not honest on certain topics or in certain behaviors. Best thing is to be yourself, and learn to live with the reactions.
I don’t think you need to spend the money on dinner on a first date. One lounge date is OK, but try to be creative for future dates and forget the lounge unless you both love to talk.
kj chusid: I wonder who would be living in Eretz Yisroel now if there wasn’t a Jewish state.
Lior: OK, direct me to that statistic. Never heard it before. Since you are aware of it, tell me where you found it.
The sweeping generalization about what most or all people do is breathtaking, all without any support information.
Lior, and I suppose you are unaware of the high rate of divorce among young couples. Just heard of another one.