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Maybe we can be dan lkaf zchus for Kensington, the town must be very on edge in general.
This is one of the toughest situations, when the younger child is pulled by the OTD older child. It tears the family apart. And the younger one is so affected by any hint of rejection by the family toward the OTD child.
Rafael: Can we make a blanket statement about how happy and fulfilling their well-adjusted lives are? Isn’t there an element of “at-risk” when one leaves behind a spiritual life? A disconnect with one’s neshama that will eventually lead to maladjustment? Or do they carve out their own spiritual life with no association to structured religious practice, and this suffices?
With a growing population of people OTD, there is an even larger growing population of their siblings. The sibs need help to deal with their own reactions, including a great sense of loss, fear for the OTD sibs’ well-being, embarrassment by the OTD sibs’ behavior, a desire to help and a sense of responsibility to correct the problem. This can be very painful for the sibs, especially for sibs who were close before the change occurred. Too bad we don’t hear much about “specialists” in helping the sibs deal with OTD.
I truly hope there is someone somewhere who has rachmonus on the father of Levi Aron and is helping him through this.
Also used Nafsheinu, very professional, good website with sample chasuna music
I have to say this is the first post on YWN that brought me close to tears. How far have we come from respect and admiration for zekainim, nomatter what their “outsides” look like, or how well their “insides” are functioning? This is a lost generation if it cannot learn from it’s elders. I see this attitude all around me.
Ursula: it might make a difference for you if you can bring in a health aide even for a couple of hours a week; your mil might appreciate the relaxed and private help (in the mornings for ex.) and it could help you de-stress a bit.
Something to think about (from a former substance abuse counselor) if you can do substance abuse with the frum olam, it will be one thing, but if you are forced to work with the public at large, your clients will likely be people you would never want to come in contact with.
Obviously there needs to be some formal training in derech eretz for adults, esp to sensitize how it appears to the public. Specific examples should be used like the ones the poster mentioned. How can this be done?
jmj: btw, sorry, I know you didn’t ask for advice from people who are not direct descendents, and I am not. Also didn’t mean to imply that children shouldn’t ask the parents what happened to them, I was mostly talking about people who are not family but are curious, want to hear the details, etc.
jmj: I wouldn’t push your father into doing anything he is uncomfortable with, such as calling extended family with news. Sometimes he may not be sharing his reasons but we need to respect that. I have seen younger people trying to push survivors to tell, tell, tell– we need to respect their space and privacy, I think. Also, just saying, there’s no need to compare one’s own survivor family with the families of other friends or relatives, and try to push them to be similar. This seems to fill a self-oriented need, not the need of the survivor. On the other hand, I have heard an elderly survivor say she is disappointed with all of the efforts & money that goes to building monuments, tributes, etc. instead of directly helping with the psychological & physical needs of the aging survivors themselves.
I respect the Morahs from Lakewood who travel long commutes to bring their wonderful warmth and talent in chinuch to schools in other communities.
we shouldn’t write loshon hora either. That being said, maybe it’s ok l’toeles, but one should be very careful, other people we didn’t intend to read it, discover written material accidently, whether written by pen or hidden on computer.
Google professional midwifery organizations and you will find people who can tell you which hospitals are welcoming to women who want midwifery healthcare. There are 2 types of midwives, certified nurse midwives and professional midwives (Shifra/Puah); their training is different.
I respect the Chabad shluchim who go into the lions’ den (colleges) to find the pintele yids.
Cut down seriously on sugar.
If you are a parent make an extra effort to teach your children not to belittle or demean any other child in their school, nomatter how unpopular or unusual the child is. Even better if the child can befriend the other. If you are a mechanach make an extra effort to intervene if you see a child who is treated as an outcast.
Mommamia: Try talking to the kids about Hashem as though He is a member of your family, for ex, when they say a bracha well, try ” Hashem heard your bracha and He is so happy that you are thankful for your food…..” Try to bring Hashem into as much of what the kids do, in other words, facilitate the relationship and dialogue between themselves and Hashem. On Shabbos, it might be helpful to talk about your own pleasure in the day; share with them in a real way, as you might to a good friend, about what is particularly wonderful to you about Shabbos. Just suggesting.
Smiley: We sorely need role models like you, in helping us deal with rampant OTD. Kol haKavod for successfully keeping your balance walking that very thin line.
I was going to say…the whole topic of gays getting so much freedom of expression can only be attributed to the fact that society in general has taken a much less stringent approach than was once accepted. In my grandparents time, such a vote as we had in NY last month would not even have been anyone’s nightmare yet. People become habituated after being exposed for a duration.
I disagree with the view that as long as all is rosy in the child’s home he/she will love yiddishkeit. Jews operate in a kehilla, there are many strong influences on a child. We are all responsible– mechanchim, community rabbaim, parents, leadership of organizations etc….Also, there is no one global answer for this question, different children have different needs… that being said, being treated respectfully and with love by peers & teachers goes a long way, aside from the necessity of the parent/child bond. Kids are the 1st to pick up on what is going wrong within, our hypocrisies, pettiness and jealousies etc…
The films done by Zir Chemed are all female cast musicals based on goyish films and/or songs. There are about 6 of them– The lastest one came out a year or two ago, a sequel to The Little Princess, and called Happily Eva After.
Although I allow my children to watch Jewish films, I worry that this is modeling the act of watching movies for entertainment, and while the content can be kept appropriate when they are young, at some point parents have no more control over content, but the child will have absorbed the idea that movie-watching is a good way to spend time.
Has everyone missed the key words in the OP “what should she do at home with him all day–just sit there and look at each other?” Young mothers today sorely need education in how to be a mother to babies, toddlers & pre-schoolers. This is one of the most dynamic and gratifying periods of development during which the mother’s input and actions are critical. I am always floored by the women who imagine it is boring, or just a matter of diapers and feedings. What can the frum kehillas do to help the women understand the points of nurturing and education that they are perfectly suited to give over to their children at that age?
When a RY, Rav, Rebbetzin, etc. will sit through typical therapy themselves 5-10 or more sessions, and STILL recommend it, then I would hear this seriously.
Much rather have them in camp with structured activity, exercise and healthy social interactions, than staying home and using computer for too long because of boredom.
I think it is more important for teacher and parents to be in touch regularly during the school year, than what will be written on the report card comment. Also, sometimes things are written that lend themselves to multiple interpretations and could create problems if the student is transferring to a different school. Personally, I don’t pay too much attention to the report card, unless it says something surprising that the teacher hasn’t communicated already.
The problem is that once the dancing starts, there will be men who are seated on the women’s side of dancing who will stay at their table while the women dance there. Unless all of the seating would be on the men’s side of dancing.
There are a bunch for women and girls.
Chalilavchas: would it help for you to consult a rav about how to handle the money? Giving everything without restraint does not seem like a good solution, although I’ve heard this advice many times . Give love, yes, but unlimited money?? No child, OTD or not, has ever been helped to grow into a responsible and caring adult by being given all the money they desire, IMHO. Better to give wisely and thoughtfully. There are ways a full time student can earn money–do they get a stipend in school? If not they can take on part time work or get student loans. This is not because the parent’s can’t afford it, but just to put a cap on the incessant demand for money, which is not healthy.
Bothers me more that parents bribe the kids with prizes for acting appropriately in a store, soooo, the kids learn they are not expected to act appropriately unless some reward is being offered.
coffee addict: there is a wealth of info and research found online connecting higher IQ with particular emotional and personality characteristics. Rather not go into it here, but it’s easy for you to find if interested.
chalilavchas: One point, sometimes it’s best to be careful not to back them into a corner where they have to take a position. Once they verbalize their view on something, it may be harder for them to backtrack. I hear your struggle in how to love. It’s especially hard when you live under the same roof. Realize it is a nisayon, heaven sent, to keep our resentment in check. Not really sure there is much you can suggest to the young adult; just because a therapist practices therapy doesn’t mean they have the skill or experience in this parsha; and if the kid is very bright, it is more complicated because they have to be addressed in a suitable way. Also, might be useful to ask questions such as “What do you need from me; what can I do for you”?
Like it or not, people with higher IQ’s (140 and up) tend to have characteristics that go with these numbers. Especially those in the categories of 160 and up. This can be very important for kids in school, who will otherwise be mis-labeled/diagnosed and misunderstood. Forget about their talents being nurtured. For now, in the frum velt, it remains a simple matter of jealousy, no more, no less.
The way it appears to me, in the MO world this is not even a question mostly. They have largely adopted the view of the secular world regarding the permissability of cross gender friendships.
Many women complain that the stores only have shorter skirts now. Are there no entrepeneurs in the clothing industry who see the opportunity to sell a line to those of us who don’t want this nisayon in the clothing store? BTW, it’s comical that the women who wear the shorter skirts spend a lot of time tugging at the hem to draw them over their knees.
Brilliant minds must be nurtured and valued, unfortunately in yeshiva if the brilliance is not in kodesh, it is often ignored and becomes dull; until the child will find a new environment outside of yeshiva where it is once again encouraged.
That the boy says he doesn’t want to be in yeshiva is not sof davar. Then the question needs to be answered, why was yeshiva not a place where he felt comfortable?
The election will only be about the economy IF there are no major terrorist attacks before then.
There is a whirlwind of information swarming around us, what percentage of it is really the truth? Seems to me our intelligence and military are compromising an awful lot of secrecy if anything we are hearing is true.
If the community allows see through tights/stockings for women, why do the girls have to wear knee socks?
Too bad there isn’t a frum version of Mensa
Can someone please help me understand why, after spending $20+ per pound of hand shmura matzo, we end up with boxes where most of the matzo is not whole and cannot be used for the seder? This year we had an average of 2 unbroken matzos in each box of 8(?) matzos. Is this typical of all brands or are we just buying the wrong brand (not mentioning names).
Beinhazmanim: Maybe you need to look at why you need to cling to her after she has given you messages that she needs her space. What is the relationship doing for you?
Yes. The yeshivas have a long way to go in identifying and helping these kids, in the meantime it’s hard to keep them on the derech; also hard for parents and close ones to stay focused on their amazing talents and qualities while doing battle in their defense. Too bad we don’t have a way to speak privately.
chalilavchas; Just want to send you my wishes for hatzlacha and koach. I have been in this parsha a long time and dealing with one who also can “shoot holes” through all of the arguments, until people are afraid to have a dialogue with him. I have been very disappointed in the results of all of our appeals to mechanhanchim and other leaders , but I think there is some truth that maturity will help. Hopefully they will arrive at a time when that “leap of faith” is no longer impossible to justify; they can give some slack on the demand for proof in a scientific way. Unfortunately, it can take years, and in the meantime those closest to these young adults are suffering right along with them. One point about following rules, in my experience these people can and do follow rules when the rules make sense to them, in their chosen career for example. But they definitely balk when the rules don’t make sense. I don’t mean to pry and you may not want to answer, but is your young adult academically gifted?
Could be Hashem wants us to make sure we CAN answer questions like this, to sharpen our own emunah, so He provides inquisitive and bright kids (or adults) who need deep answers. I would take his questions seriously and avoid the name-calling. To find someone who can satisfy his question, that will be difficult. For all of our patting ourselves on the back for our kiruv efforts, we don’t seem to be so good at helping people who want proof.
Sorry, no.
For example, in Shmona Esrei we say umatir assurim; it can be either an abstract idea, or you can think specifically about those you know or know of, in captivity, especially if you have taken their plight to heart. Probably every pasuk has the potential to evoke some personal connection in order to make the davening more urgent and feel more purposeful.
Thanks for the vote, always here.