EzratHashem

Sorry, you would have to listen to more than pop-media to hear the truth. Rubio has actually exposed a great deal about trumps flaws: he hired foreigners to build his towers in order to pay smaller wages, while campaigning about bringing jobs to americans. All of the clothing he makes is made in China or Mexico, also while promising jobs to americans He ran a fraudulent university for which he is now under judicial investigation, taking thousands in tuition and offering no degree or valid education. He said he would remain a neutral party in the Israel/Palestinian conflict. And he didn’t immediately repudiate the endorsement of david duke and his KKK, until pressured by the media. Enough?

*taken a position*

The telephone for Naomi Stavsky has a full mailbox and does not accept any more messages. Is it possible to donate via the chai lifeline website and designate for this purpose?

GAW–your words can be healing to those who feel they are too far gone to turn back, Wish there was a way to get your message out to them.

Try googling “games for visually impaired”.

WOW: As this parsha wears on you may see that the only worthwhile efforts will be to help your children. Your anger, etc. over the injustices in the schools and community may feel right, but in the end will not help your children. Learning to be an advocate, so that you can effectively counter poor decisions made on behalf of your children, is a crucial albeit delicate skill, but can sometimes get the child through a hump that can otherwise be disastrous. You may have to go searching for a better school for your son, but you need to know how to speak to any hanhala in defense of your son, and indeed, in defense of keeping a Jewish Neshama on the derech hayashar. The right words can sometimes make a difference, I think. The situation is urgent and the menahel should be made to understand the urgency of not pushing a child over the brink, especially one who is already affected by a sibling who was pushed out. And it is not enough to grudgingly take a child in, but they should put out a special effort to understand and support the child, and help him flourish. Hatzlocha u’beracha, WOW.

Just a word of caution on the idea of finding a plumber/electrician etc. to hire as a chesed: very important to make sure the person who hires an OTD has his heart in the right place. Unfortunately, some will take advantage of the young person’s situation and cause more problems. If, however, someone with a good heart will hire him, it can go a long way to helping him mature and feel worthy.

kkls45: You didn’t say whether you are a child, teen or adult, but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone; being the sib of an OTD is a huge challenge and as of this moment I don’t see any real effort to address this population in a meaningful way. From experience I can tell you that your steadfast love for your struggling sib is probably the best gift you can give to him. How you would express that love depends on your age and position relative to the brother (older/younger).

wow: if it’s not too late, try an approach that makes him think about the permanence of the piercing, that although it seems a good idea to him now, if he changes his mind later and hates it, he can’t undo a piercing.

wow–have you been to the mothers’ online forum? a lot of Israeli women post there too, it has a somewhat different focus than the news blog…….

wow, I wrote a lengthy response to your last post, but the mods didn’t let it through.

I wish you much hatzlacha, and nachas from all of your children.

Years ago it was possible to look for employment using newspapers only. Today, most job searching is online. Is it really possible to look for employment without using the internet? I guess the search itself would be in the category of necessary for parnassah.

It may be a positive thing, that he is going through the motions to keep you happy. He is telling you he feels distant from yiddishkeit from within, which do you think would be better–to embrace the secular world completely in which case he loses his family, or to go through the motions in order to keep the family for now. So when he tells you that, instead of mourning the emptiness inside him, you can be grateful that he is still holding on to family. The charade won’t go on forever, but we can daven that in the meantime he can heal a little and find a path back.

If he was a victim of verbal bullying, he is probably very angry and hurt from this. I think it’s not good for him to hold it inside, sometimes there can be an explosion. If there is noone else he will speak to about what went on, then maybe you can broach the topic with him slowly and gently, let him know you agree that what happened was outrageous, and has nothing to do with his worth, that he is a valuable person. Maybe this can lead to a discussion of his strengths, and ultimately to a proactive direction for the near future.

OhTeeDee: so, you left 20 years ago? Now in your 30’s? Am I understanding correctly? If so, I see you still read YWN–are there other ways you stay connected to the frum world?

Perhaps, wow, your family, and your son, were chosen by Hashem to be among the vehicles of change in your community. Most agree that the behavior of rejecting and ostracizing members of the community who are different or struggling is wrong. You also seem to agree. However many of us say this is the reality and we would rather go along with it, knowing it is wrong, than be a protester and suffer the consequences. Maybe Hashem feels differently, and wants the wrong to be set right. And just maybe these kids who won’t go along with what they perceive as wrong, are Hashem’s agents of change.

Really good point Sam2, and it reminds me that I know of several OTD who were able to return just by leaving the community they felt stifled in, and starting fresh in a new place, usually under the wing of a mentor of some type.

Just to clarify, I am in no way condoning the outlook that I described, and which belongs to many who call themselves MO, and I think it is sad that these young adults feel they have to resort to lounges and mixed dancing for entertainment.

What I mean to say is unless you really think you can win that argument without further bruising on either side, then maybe better to let it go. Where he is headed is hard to say; people turn around, many OTD have turned around and for different reasons, and some after a short time, some after a long time. But you do have to deal with what is in front of you now, and that is his desire to change the color of his shirt, as a statement of affiliation. At this point, prioritizing which issues are most important is probably a good idea.

When a kid goes OTD and the family lives in a community with strong standards, there is that “other” relationship that gets changed dramatically, and that is the relationship between the parents & siblings and the rest of the community. There is a lot to be said on this topic, and it should be discussed openly in my opinion, with hadracha from our leaders. In the meantime, it may be wise to accept that there will be a change in how you view yourself & family vis-a-vis your community if you suspect there would be strong disapproval, and again, clarify your priorities. One thing I have found comforting is to remember that not only our spouses are bashert, but also our children are bashert to us.

w/o/w: I don’t know if I can stress this enough: overlook the color of shirt. I know it’s a test for you, there may need to be a shifting alignment in that you may need to ignore the community dress standards for now in favor of avoiding machlokes in a very touchy situation. Some people say with children we must “pick our arguments” I think that holds true here. His clothing may deteriorate to something unrecognizable, undistinguishable from the non-religious Jews. But inside he is still your son, a precious neshama. Unfortunately those in the parsha a long time look back at the days of worrying about clothing, wishing that was still the biggest or only worry. Possibly you can casually mention to him something positive about why the men & boys wear white shirts, just as information without any pressure. It may help the other kids to have a discussion with them about why we have dress standards in our communities, take some time to prepare the discussion so it is conveyed as a very positive thing to keep the standard, while acknowledgeing that their brother has changed his way of dressing due to his confusion.

Still,the goal of his acting out may be an expression of his own hurt, and not to hurt you. In any event, it is not constructive for you to react defensively, and assume he is trying to hurt you. You can certainly tell him calmly about how you have been hurt by his actions, but it’s not worthwhile to hold on to the shock, anger, resentment, etc. that comes with thinking his goal is specifically to hurt you. If it’s possible, try to get past that feeling and keep the nurturing perspective which you already seem to do so well. In the end, you may well need the nurturing in order to heal the relationship.

w/o/w: I hear. You don’t have to fall into the trap of believing he doesn’t care. He is your son, you are his mother, it’s likely he will always care. His outward presentation may not show this, but often outward appearances betray true feelings. He probably not only cares about not hurting you, but also cares that you approve of him. I know, hard to believe right now.

Just a thought on the walk you took to check things out. Sometimes even if you suspect or know what he is doing, the impact of seeing him do it is very powerful and can evoke very strong emotional reaction. On the one hand, you don’t want to be naive or in the dark totally about what he is doing, on the other hand, knowing all the details can be devastating. Since there was a confrontation of sorts, it might be worthwhile to try to talk it out, trying to convey your intentions in the most positive way, that you object to the smoking because you care about his lungs and health, that you want to make sure his internet use doesn’t do long term damage that will be difficult to undo, etc….

w/o/w: before you get weary from watching all the small (and not so small) signs and hoping fervently that it means he is moving back on the derech I would recommend strengthening and articulating your davening, but don’t latch onto every sign from your son. There could be a lot of back and forth movement, sometimes one step forward followed by two steps back. You may really get worn out from hanging onto every movement, We can’t really know the outcome of any of it—something that seems negative can be part of, or lead to, something positive in the future and vice versa. When he does come back for good, you will know it.

I hope Chofetz Chaim Foundation will focus on GAIVA for this year’s Tisha B’av video.