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taking a break- Kol Hakavod! There are so many girls who put their lives on hold because their top priority is to get married. But if it isnt the right time for them yet, they wait and wait, the pressure builds, and they haven’t done anything else because they say, “When I get married I’ll finish my degree, or find a job, etc”
You are still very young. I started dating when I was 19 and BH I didnt find the right one then because looking back now, I was NOT ready at all! Plus, with each guy I went out with, I was able to learn more about myself and what I really need. These are the years that you really grow as a person, in SO many ways! I am turning 23 in a few days iy”H, and I see many girls who felt that pressure to get married and are now in difficult marriages, unhappy, or divorced. There are many others who are very happy, BH, because it was really the right time for them. But, im so happy you dont feel that pressure because it will help you in the long run.
I think you should do some kind of hishtadlus, like listening and considering a potential shidduch if something comes along, and davning that Hashem should send you the right one at the right time whenever that may be. I Hashem opens a door for you, dont close it before you look through. Sometimes what we think we need, isnt necessarily what Hashem KNOWS that we need. So, just make sure that you keep doors open and put your trust in Hashem Yisbarech to know when the right time is for you to meet your zivug. It could be after you finish your degree, or you could be surprised and have it come sooner, but when it is the right time, Hashem will split the yam suf for you and it should be so clear in your eyes and easy!
I second what MiddlePath says!
These “Chassidim” are lost and fighting for the wrong things. I put “Chassidim” in quotations, because just because they dress the dress, doesn’t mean that it is in their heart. They appear to be chassidish, but real, emesdik Chassidim do not act in such a way. It is a small group of “Chassidim” who need to taste a little but of the sweetness of Torah to awaken their neshamas. I do not support what they are doing. Yes, it is wrong. But instead of looking at all the negative about it, we need to realize that these people really need a lot of help. Instead of arguing about it, we should be thinking of what we can do to make a difference and change it together, as a klal. Why don’t you try davening for these “Chassidim” to really see what the light of chassidus is about, instead of making such a chillul Hashem and going against other yidden? How about davening for the girls in the school and the school itself to be able to flourish and be successful in peace? How about telling Hashem how much we need Moshiach so nothing like this ever happens again. Its Elul. Its time to wake up and concentrate on not, “Why” this is happening, and to point fingers, but “How” can I fix it and grow from it.
Wow, thank you so much. That was really beautiful. Here is something else I learned..
R’Tzvi Meir Zilberberg says that EVERY single drop of preparation you do for Rosh Hashana, makes you into a kli (a vessel) to receive all of the shefa (the blessings and energies) of the coming year that Hashem wants to give you. THE WINE IS BEING POURED!
You need to make yourself into a cup that is able to receive the flow from Hashem! The bigger the cup you have, the more wine you will be able to use to fill it up! The more that you prepare yourself, the more you really try, the bigger your cu…p will be! We should all be zoche to make ourselves into bigger cups this year than we were last year, grow to higher levels in our avodas Hashem, Yiras Hashem, Ahavas Hashem, Emunas Hashem, Love of mitzvos, Torah, our brothers and sisters, etc and attain a greater attachment to Hashem that we ever thought possible! Good Shabbos!
I am sorry you are going through this, but Hashem should help you that this should be the least of your problems.
If it effects your shidduchim, then whoever will have a problem with it obviously isn’t your zivug. To let something so insignificant get in the way of going out with someone, you wouldnt deserve them anyway. Don’t be embaressed. The only person it harms is yourself. A Kollel life, as beautiful as it is, is not for everyone. Dont judge them, but try to respect them and love them anyway. If you find it in your heart not to judge them, them maybe you will find your zivug very easily, because you will also find someone who wont judge them. You cant expect something of someone else, if it isnt a part of you as well.
I wish you much hatzlacha.
What middlepath says is emes. Although we are faced with major challenges and witness so many tragedies, there is a lesson to be learned in every single one of them individually and as a klal. I am not belittling the pain or heartache that comes through such tragedies, but we have to remember that they come from Hashem, and He only sends us these things out of His love for us. And He does have a reason for each one. Just like a parent does not want to harm their child, so too He doesn’t want to hurt us. Sometimes we need wake up calls. We need to view these as wake up calls and really look inside of ourselves and ask “What does Hashem want me to take out of this?” If we do this, He wont need to send us more.
Rebbe Nachman says that WITHIN darkness, we can find the greatest light. Hashem is inside of that darkness, and we can bring His light out into our lives, and into the world if we open our eyes to the emes.
The things that happened this year raelly brought klal yisrael together, especilly what happened with Leiby that really hit home. We have to work on it so that the achdus stays within us and doesnt weaken with time. It’s a real avodah, but we can do it.
Isn’t Geshmakke Mentch a girl? That’s what I thought..
I just joined last week so I am still learning.
Geshmakke Mentch.. wow that is amazing. I was faced with a similar situation not long ago. Hashem gives us “feelings” for a reason. Obviously you are a very aidle, G-d fearing girl. Kol HaKavod! Hashem will open the door to an amazing job, in a good comfortable environment for you! Try talking it out with Hashem.. tell Him what you did, about your mesiras nefesh, and ask for a good job in the right environment. Good luck!
Geshmakke Mentch… I am positive that I am not a guy…
I guess two people can have the same writing style.. 🙂
The mods wont post my last post… I dont think I can give out my email address here… :-/
I agree with am yisrael chai.. Also, dont ignore it, but dont look SO much into it. If you keep going out, keep your eyes open to see if he shows this same trait in other ways.. if so, i would think it is definitely a red flag.
Mindoverchatter- It is really my pleasure. The story of how I came to be religious is long and very detailed. If the mods let, you can email me privately and I will start from the beginning. I would just rather not have such personal things on the internet.
Bombmaniac- Boro Park is definitely filled with Chassidim. For some reason, I never go there.
haha what kind are you?
Gam Zu Ltovah
Nope. There are a lot of different types of Chassidus, BH.
Ain Od Milvado
Yaish Borei Olam
She’Cholas Ahava Ani (between us and HKB”H)
MindOverChatter- I was going into 9th grade when I became fully religious. It was “my” choice. I put “my” in quotations, because Hashem really had His hand in mine the whole time. I started the process of becoming religious when I was around 12, 13 years old. I was in public school until 6th grade and then switched to a modern orthodox school for 7-9th grade. 10-12th I went to a Bais Yaakov school. After that I kept learning and growing, discovering more things in Yiddeshkeit that touched me in the deepest ways, and now I am where I am today BH and will continue growing with Hashems help.
A year after I became religious, my family also did complete teshuva. My two younger siblings have basically been religious their entire lives :-).
How I came to teshuva is a story in itself.
Bombmaniac- No I am not Chabad. Why? Are you?
Thats amazing! If you are really inspired by chabad chassidus, then I would totally suggest you to go to a yeshiva that concentrates on that. Aish HaTorah and Ohr Somayach aren’t like that. Many people spend years trying to find some connection that sparks the flame they so badly want to keep burning. It sounds like you may have found that. Could you see yourself as a chabad Rabbi? If so, dont pass up the door Hashem opened for you :-).
bombmaniac.. emes :-). How’d you guess??
PrincessEagle- I forgot to answer your last question. What makes me think your a teenager? I Just got that vibe by what you write..I could be very wrong though. Am I? 🙂
So here the Torah says ?? ??? ?????? ?? ??????, when you go out to battle your enemies.
When the Torah talks about someone going out to war, it writes it in singular. So let me ask you friends, how can one Jew go out and conquer the world? It’s crazy.
So do you know when one Jew cannot go out and conquer the world? When this one Jew has not finished the struggle of the inside. Obviously if I am not so sure yet there is one G-d, if I’m not a hundred percent sure that Shabbos is really necessary – I cannot come to the world for G-d. I can learn Torah for two hundred years, but deep deep inside there is one little corner left where I doubt that every word of the Torah is really from heaven.
PrincessEagle- I have no problem telling you about my experiences, just ask. It is a public forum, but no one knows who I am, which is great and also I feel like Hashem makes people go through things and different journeys in life to help themselves, to become wiser, and use that wisdom to help others.
I think Hashem puts you in certain situations for a reason. It was no coincidence that she starting talking to you like this. Go for it!
Well, do you have an interest in chabad chassidus at all?
Thats great! Hashem should shower you with endless bracha and hatzlacha through out your journey!
I think Ohr Somayach would be the best if your more inclined to the Chareidi mentality. But either of them would be good. Dont forget to ask Hashem to help you make the right decision! :-).
Hatzlacha!
http://www.torahanytime.com/Rabbi/Zecharia_Wallerstein/
Listen to the second to last shuir- Ani Ldodi Vdodi Li. I was only saying what he said.
coffee addict- Rabbi Wallerstein said in a recent shuir that it says in the gemara that Hashem will shake the earth when there is homosexuality. In places like california, where there is a fault, it doest apply because that is the nature of the land. But in Virginia and DC, and NY where rights were just permitted, caused the earthquake because Hashem it makes Hashem angry.
I have guitar Pro. I have done a few recordings in a studio, it just gets very expensive. My music is my neshama in notes. My main instrument is my voice, BH, so just doing instrumental isnt as fun. As a woman, you can definitely make recordings but you cant really make it a parnassah. I still do it though because I want to try to touch who ever I can with it, with Hashems help. Hopefully I will get the hang of how the program works. 🙂
MiddlePath, you are very talented! I have this new program on my computer, and I am trying to figure out how to record my own stuff and have it sound like its good quality. Men can spread their music to anyone they want.. dont miss that opportunity. Keep it up!
There is SOO much to learn from the life of Dovid HaMelech. Hashem send him nisayon after nisayon, but he NEVER gave up! Dovid HaMelech said, “V’Ani Tefillah.” (And I am Tefillah.) He was like mamesh a walking tefillah. Every test He faced, He spoke it out with Hashem. That is the tehillim that we read today. Tehillim is really Dovid HaMelechs hisbodedus (personal prayer) to Hashem. In it we can find solutions to our problems if we look deep enough into the words, and not just see plain letters. I think the biggest lesson we can learn from him is no matter how hard the tests were that he faced, he always turned to Hashem and rose to the challenge. He never gave up!
It isn’t good to cry out of a kind of sadness that is a complaint. BUT, it is defintely okay to cry from a broken heart, and a heart of YEARNING. Yearning and complaining are very different. Hashem doesn’t like complaining, but he listens to your heartfelt tears of longing and yearning.So if you are crying from a complaining point of view, channel it to yearning instead. Bring into your heart that Hashem only gives us what we can handle, no matter how hard it seems right now, its for your benefit and out of His love for you. I learned, Rav Gamliel Rabinovitch, in Sefer Tiv HaEmunah writes that Hashem feels our pain as much as we do. As painful as it is to us, it is to Him as well. It isn’t a good feeling. The difference is that with us, we gain from it somehow. We become stronger, our perspectives change, and hopefully we get closer to Hashem and the emes of life. Hashem gets no benefit. So we know there is some light after the darkness. There is light WITHIN your darkness because Hashem is IN that darkness. But with Hashem, He feels the pain, but has no benefit. Try to remember that. I know it is hard.
The grass is definitely not greener on the other side. The grass of a life with Yiddeshkeit is the richest, purest, most radient grass that you could ever imagine. I am a baalas teshuva. I have seen both sides. A life without Hashem and yiddeshkeit, isn’t a life at all. It is all instant gratification and quick fiixes of “happiness.” (Whatever their perception of happiness is.) It doesn’t last, and it isnt fulfilling. So many times I wished that I was born into a religious family so I wouldn’t have to see what a secular life was like. I have accepted that it isn’t what Hashem planned for me, and I have such a good relationship with Hashem now because of it and my experiences, like Middlepath said. I know I would be a very different person if my life went a different way.
I feel as though the people who dont really feel what a life of Torah and emes is all about, who are looking to the other side, just havent tasted the sweetness of yiddeshkeit yet. IY”H one day my goal is to open up a school that concentrates on the love of Hashem, the love and excitement of Judaism, simcha, and a place where there is acceptence and seeing each student as a neshama with a life of growth ahead. I have been through the school system and I feel as though this is missing. There are too many rules, and cookie cutter statuses. Like, if you dont fit here or there you arent accepted. It isn’t easy.
princesseagle, no one is judging you here and we are here to help :-).Teenage years are hard. It is all about figuring out who you are, where you fit, what you want to do with your life. Some adults still are figuring it out. It is part of life. But it is always good to talk to someone. Im here for you!
brotherofurs, I have a different moshel for a present box. Sometimes in life our challenges are like the most precious presents wrapped in ugly paper. The challenges and struggles are the wrapping paper that we have to go through in order to get to the gem inside. Sometimes those challenges are ugly and dark, and its hard to see the light, but when you get past it, it is all worth it, because every struggle no matter how hard it is, is a gift and we will only benefit from it!
Shteibel… alot of singing
Once you make your decision, and marry the person you think is bashert, you should think that she is your zivug.
If I remember correctly, everyone has a few zivugim corresponding to different levels in their lives. Thats why when you daven to find your zivug, you should daven for it at the right time, because that is very important.
Bringing simcha to another Kallah or Chosson, even though you may be crying inside is one of the best things you can be doing for yourself. Go to simchas. Feel the simcha of the chosson and kallah, be genuinly happy for them. Overcome that ache inside of you when you see younger people get married. Know that when its your time, you WILL be under the chuppah.
In the meantime, if you show Hashem that you are so happy for others. Like you mamesh feel it in your heart. Hashem will look at you and say.. “Look, she is so happy for others even though she has not yet found her zivug. Now I am going to give her something to REALLY be happy about!”
I also heard a story once, im sure that it was brought downs somewhere, that there was a shidduch suggested to a girl, and she turned it down because the boy suggested was lame. He couldnt use his legs. It turns out, that before the boy was born, he knew that his zivug wouldnt be able to use her legs and he asked Hashem to give him the nisayon instead of her because he didnt want her to suffer. Theres probably much more to the story, but its making the same point.
Dont get caught up so much in exterior and say no for silly reasons. It is all sheker. Look at the middos of the person, their goals in life, if they respect you and other people-that’s what matters in a marriage. And sometimes that will be enough to find chein in each others eyes.
workonit,
a few years ago when I was in High School and looking into seminaries, colleges, and had other stuff going on in my own life, I had a hard time falling asleep. Everytime I would try to fall asleep, every thought I had in my head would come out and it would take hours and hours to quiet them. My mother told me something that helped alot. She said to envision putting every thought that was preventing me from sleeping into a bubble, and then sending the bubble up to Hashem and saying, “Hashem, its all up to you. Please hold on to it for now.” It really helped me.
My advice to you, is to take those feeling that are getting in the way of your day, put them in a bubble and send it up to Hashem. You mentioned that the only thing that will help it is time, I know what you mean :-). You have no control over it, and you dont want it to negatively effect your day, which is totally understandable. Say a little tefillah every day asking Hashem to help you deal with it today in the best way that you can, and then put it in His hands. It works for me. I hope it helps you somehow too! Every day will get easier, just stay strong :-).
I feel like some people forget who really makes the shidduch. It is easy when we are dating to forget to ask Hashem for guidence while we are going through it. I really believe that if you keep Hashem in the picture while dating, and you ask for guidence and clarity, your eyes will be open to seeing the emes. 🙂
Hatzlacha and may all the single find their zivugim soon, at the right time, with the right one!
Sorry, I forgot she got married already. She should have a beautiful happy marriage, and he should find his zivug bkarov.
Maybe when this guy meets the RIGHT girl, he wont have commitment issues. Dating isn’t easy, and even with his issues, he is still trying. When dating, every single experience there is a lesson to learn from. That is between the two people who were dating- the guy and the girl. Let her search for whatever lesson she can learn, whether it is in herself, or more outside the box. Let him to the same. Hashem is the true shadchan, He knows what he is doing. Shteiger, there is no need to get so worked up over it. You are protecting your friend, which is understandable, but it is out of your control.
I read a story from Reb Shlomo Carlebach over Shabbos that relates to this in a way. I don’t remember all the details, but I will do my best. There was a chosid who was a successful lumberjack that had a son who reached the age to get married but there was one problem. Every time he was introduced to a new girl, He fainted. They brought in all the best doctors to treat him, but no one was successful. He went to the Baal Shem Tov, and he said,”Dont worry, when he meets the right one, he will not faint.”
One year, the chosid cut down more trees than usual and was getting ready for a large income that year. One night there was a storm that was so bad, the river overflowed and it carried away all of his lumber. He had no money left. He went to the Baal Shem Tov again, and the Baal Shem Tov told him that he can not help him and he will have to become a beggar. The chosid begged for help, but the Baal Shem Tov gave him the same answer.
The chosid started to travel all over Poland to raise money, and whatever time he had free he would stop in a beis medrash to learn. One day, he was learning in the bais medrash and a wealthy man who’s house he visited that day came over to him. The man told him that he is so successful and busy that he cant learn as much Torah as he would like and made the chosid an offer to learn in his house all day for money and when the chosid wants to go back home, he could.
In the end of the story, the business owner became successful because he woke up one morning with lumber all over his yard(that was washed away from the chosids house by the storm.) He started his business with that wood. The family had a daughter that fainted every time she met a suitable match. When the two children met, they didnt faint. It was bashert.
My point is, maybe when this boy meets the right one, he wont have any hesitation, because he will feel that it is just right. Your friend is lucky she didn’t continue, because obviously it isnt meant to be, and now she doesnt have to waste any more time with it and can continue on her own search. They should both find their zivugim soon with clarity!