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The one thing that your daughter really needs to hear is praise from you for taking this huge step for her neshama. Tell her how lucky she is to daven at the Kosel! She can get a bracha from Reb. Kanievsky! She can visit many of the places in the Tanach that she has learned about! She will meet all types of Jews from all the corners of the earth! Encourage her to go visit the great rabbanim for brachot and to visit the mekomos hakedoshim.
For ladies: The “big hair” sheitels which took hours of teasing to get the perfect bang wave OR the Tuxedo sheitel by Georgie….The shoulder pads on everything….., Sun-In, the messenger bag which we called “pouch”, the low waist dress, the sparkly shoes and collars, huge sweaters with big designs, and every house had MAUVE,or mauve and gray, and a white kitchen was in. I also distinctly remember the mustard yellow color for clothes and handbags-although I have tried to block it out……
Be kind, helpful and straightforward. Going to a new school is intimidating. And costs a fortune. There are all kinds of pressures to excel. I’ll bet that somewhere this guy is agonizing over what he said to you and is worrying if he offended you. Or else, he is clueless. Nevertheless if he needs help you can be mentschlech and give him the info he needs. If you are going to be in a health related field you will probably have frum male clients at one time or another. Pretend this guy is one of them and act like a professional would behave towards a patient. It will be good practice! IF he continously makes odd remarks that cause you to feel uncomfortable, then you need to ask to have him transferred to another advisor. Bhatzlocha in your studies!
I am so relieved to know that there are girls out there like you! It gives me hope for my sons!
How did Chacham Tzvi fool almost his entire generation? We all want heroes. We all want rabbis we can look up to. We are an orphaned generation. When a great speaker comes along with a lot of Torah knowledge we want to believe that he leads a pious existence. If he has the charisma to teach our kids and get them excited about Yiddishkeit, then he becomes super amazing. No one will look at his private sins even if they are heinous because it does not affect the success rate he has with teaching Torah. If he goes out in public and sins in front of everyone, then there will be compelling and blatant reasons to fire him. Until then, it is his ex’s word against his.
Yes but this is one of those things that could end up being a mother in law- son in law issue whose shalom bayis ramifications far outweigh the rudeness. What matters most is keeping the peace and not starting a conflict. If your daughter is not complaining why bring it to her attention? If he is doing it to a point where it is obviously rude, a rosh yeshiva or an employer or a good friend will tell him. From your daughters perspective, she would most probably wish to believe that you think he is the best guy in the world. Pointing out a fault of his magnifies it in her eyes and begins questions that she may have never thought about: Is he really a rude guy? Do my parents not like him? Why am I with this rude person? What is with my mother? Why does she have to nitpick on my husband? What kind of fight am I going to have to go through with him the next time my mother invites us? Now he has a built in excuse not to go-your mother thinks I am too rude for her table….
Oy please! This can’t go anywhere well. I believe in the in law golden rule: Shut the mouth, open the wallet! NEVER MIX IN!
On my first date I said all “the wrong things”. I was so nervous! And I also told him that I was so nervous and that it was my first date! I changed my clothes up until the last minute and when he came to the door I wasn’t even ready! Not only that but when the shadchan called I told my mother to say I hated him! The wise shadchan asked what he did to warrant such a strong emotion and I realized it was my own nervousness that made the whole thing seem so awful. She arranged a second date and we have been married for more than two decades….Have fun!
I feel for you! It cannot be easy to have to deal with this level of toxicity, but if you have no direct contact with her, how is she able “to stare down at you by a vicious, evil person whose gaze pierces through the innermost part of you and makes you feel vulnerable?” There is a lot more going on than what you are revealing and you are wise to seek private counsel. I want you to understand something-no one in this world can make you feel anything- without your consent. You are the one in control of your emotions. NOt her. Not what she says. Somehow she has successfully “gotten” to you. She can also be successfully “disengaged”. B’HATZLOCHA raba!
You are obviously very hurt and you are right- a person should have spoken to you first before tattling on you. My question is why did you not go to a different yeshiva? Why was your choice to go straight to “the street”?
My cousin had your situation and was thrown out of a long list of yeshivos but going to the street was never an option that occured to him. He is a kollel avreich today. (Ironically he has 7 daughters)
Even if you are now on the street, why do you not try to get back into another yeshiva? You are so young and you are not the first person to confront this issue. There are numerous yeshiva options-why not speak to a rav to ask for advice on where you might go?
Please write back and let us know how you are! All of Klal Yisroel wants you back! Chazak Veametz. Your mind is too precious to waste. The only one who can make something happen is you.
BTW my son was kicked out of yeshiva for smoking Marlboros. He was devastated. We spoke to his 6th grade rebbe who recommended the yeshiva he is in now. There he met the rav that changed his entire outlook on life. He is your age and is so shtark! Don’t give up-you may just end up in a yeshiva that will be the best place for you to grow in.
As with all important steps in life, it is very wise to consult a gadol. A gadol I know has told certain families to go to Eretz Yisroel and others to stay put.
Eretz Yisroel is not just another real estate location, as you know. One who lives there is in the palace of the King of Kings. There are those that are going to grow spiritually there and flourish, but others will find insurmountable issues, and may have to return to Chutz La’aretz.
One thing is certain, Hashem guides us and lets us know where we can best serve Him. If the idea of aliyah is coming up over and over, then that may be a sign to begin the process. For some Jews, that idea NEVER crosses their mind as a viable option. It is not fair to judge anyone’s choice, or to say lashon hora about Eretz Yisroel. If Hashem wants you in His most beloved place, mentioned ???? times in Tanach, He will help you arrive and stay put. A few unique to EY yissurim will probably be thrown in to give your neshama a challenge, but it will only be given to because you are meant to accelerate to a faster level of soul refinement in the palace of the King. People in CHUTZ Laaretz have plenty of yissurim, too. Just take a look at all the news-there is no trouble-less carefree place left!
And btw, you might be surprised to know that quite a few American charities solicit in EY on behalf of Jews needing help in the USA.
There has been talk in some of the popular Jewish publications about cell phone addictions-and if a person is so highly connected to their phone all of the above won’t help. Also, the younger generation is just different-it is normal to most to text and to get streams of info via these small devices. They do not consider it rude at all. Just think about it-he will probably know about Moshiach’s arrival first!
One of the reasons we overeat is because we do not get enough nutrition from over processed food. A body is screaming for fuel and we are giving it junk. If one eats with proper nutritous guidance, the body will be satisfied with less quantity and better quality.
One popular, but not so easy idea, is to cut out the “whites”. No white sugar products, no white flour products and no milk products. Read ingredients on packaging. They are listed in order of quantity in the product. If the first five ingredients contain any of the above, it should not be eaten. If an ingredient is something unrecognizable to you-“dye number 876″then how healthy can this be? I decided for myself that I want every food item to “work” for me, to keep me strong and healthy, so I put thought and research into it. I discovered:
It takes 20 minutes for your brain to realize that you have eaten, so chew every bite at least 15 times. The better you have chewed your food, the easier it is for the body to break down. Remember to take deep breaths throughout the day so that you can give all of your body the oxygen it needs.
Walk as much as you can during the day.
When I decided to change the way I thought about eating I took classes on nutrition. It took me two full weeks to stop feeling the craving for milk and cereal, sugary things, and white bread. Luckily my nutrition teacher was very supportive and she encouraged me to wait it out. She had the class record everything that we ate and the times that we ate. I was shocked at how much of a nosher I was! After two weeks of deleting the “whites”my acne cleared up, my skin and hair started to look amazing, and the weight came off gradually-over a half year’s time.
I went to many smachot and avoided the cakes, sodas, and treats all served in abundance. It took a lot of willpower. My teacher said to time yourself. If you want to eat something badly, delay the gratification. You want that chocolate covered sugar coated confection? Play a game. Time how often you think about it. At first for me it is a few times a minute, then it gets to once in five minutes, and finally once an hour. After that it gets easy to tell yourself that you can live without it. In fact, without it you will live healthier and stronger! And save at the dentist!
I am constantly appalled at the sheer amounts that are served at smachot and how much people shove into themselves! I am still amazed at the mad dash in shul for a the buffet kiddush on Shabbos morning. I do not know if the men talk about the food the way the women do, but I do know that when a family wants to make an event, there is a great pressure to give a table that will wow everyone.
A woman in our class made a bar mitzvah where she served only healthy items. She was very nervous about the reaction from friends and family so she invited some class members for moral support. Food- wise it was one of the best smachot ever! The menu was simple and wholesome and I had no simcha food regrets afterwards. Everyone complimented her on her original idea! It still is the only simcha I have attended that was so nutritious. I hope through this posting, the idea will catch on!
I know of a similar situation. But before I tell it, I want to ask you what do you mean by cut your losses? If a woman was abused, tortured and has been through mental gehinom, even though she is safely remarried, it is almost impossible to forget the torture she went through. And if telling people what happened to her helps her in some way, let her talk! One does not have to believe the talk. And if you don’t believe it, it is not lashon hora.
As promised here is a current story that is occuring as I type: The ex wife is not a nice person-and never was. And she married very young and led an extremely sheltered life. The man she first married is A Torah leader, beloved and respected by all in his kehilla. She divorced him when she discovered that there wasn’t an aveira that he hadn’t committed-except for murder. Yet. When she started finding things out, he began to physically and mentally torture her to keep her quiet. She found the strength to get out by confiding in a different rabbi who believed her. It took years, but she was able to receive a get. They each remarried, and she is the custodial parent. She is still not a nice person, and still badmouths him, but she is a dedicated mother and it kills her that her ex is viewed by the world as an example of a Torah leader. It does not pay for her to bad mouth him-no one listens because he has convinced everyone that she has mental problems. She can’t seem to control it. It is almost like a talking tic. This woman has spent over ten years in therapy just trying to put herself back together after what he did to her. Her older children have begun to notice things that are not normal about him when they get to visit him, and some of them have chosen to break contact.
Truly the children suffer the most, they hate that their father is a fake,and that their mother does not let the world forget it. Added to that is the frustration that he currently holds a position as a spiritual Torah authority. He is under the protection of a great gadol (whom he has fooled) and chances are that unless he gets really sloppy, no one will ever discover his secret lifestyle.
If you are looking for an opinion, the best that I can give you is to remove yourself from the situation.
I keep the Garden of Emuna handy. It was invaluable in helping me cope with my father’s hospitalization and death. I read it when it first came out and I didn’t connect with the writing at all. Then the sefer somehow appeared during my stay at my father’s bedside and the words rang true for me. I read many chapters to my father and I am sure that although he could barely respond, he was also comforted. When other family members were devastated I handed them the book and they too were able to draw comfort.
When we are told to be dan lekaf zechus it is much more than making excuses for someone else’s bad behavior. The mitzva is to not bear any bad feeling whatsoever. it sounds super human, however nothing in our Torah is impossible. I found the work of Byron Katie helpful in understanding how thoughts affect behavior. Our thoughts create our reality. For example: If we believe that someone insulted us then generally we will act on it and cause a chain of negative events. We need to question thoughts by asking if they are really true. Can I absolutely know that this is true? When you think that painful thought notice what happens to you physically. Who would you be without that painful thought? Then you turn the thought around and try to find three ways that each turnaround is truer than what you originally believed.
I hope I am not boring you but here is an example of how this worked for me. My father oH was a concentration camp survivor. In the hospital he was in agonizing pain (despite the strongest painkillers). I kept having the thought that “he’s been through enough, he shouldn’t be in more pain”. Of course this thought caused me deep anguish and added even more pain to this situation. I was a physical wreck and cried a lot. Deep down I felt that there was a lack on integrity on my part and I needed to discover why I felt this way. I had to question my belief that he shouldn’t be in pain. I said, My father shouldn’t be in pain”. Then I turned it around and said “I shouldn’t be in so much pain”. It hit me that I was experiencing tremendous suffering witnessing his pain which was not doing anyone any good at all. I realized that his pain is not for me to comment on, this is Hashem’s doing. Plus there was my father suffering and me suffering, too-doing no good for him or me-just adding more to his pain. I continued “Where would I be without this thought?” My honest answer was “Able to be there for him one hundred percent.” Freeing myself from this thought allowed me to be there for him totally and unselfishly. I became what he needed to see, a cheerful devoted smiling, competent daughter. When I came to this realization and let go of my erroneous beliefs, I changed and I saw a change in my father, and he gripped my hand very very tightly as though he understood the thought process going on in my head. He died shortly after that and I believed he knew that I would be okay-that I could let him go and live my life without him in this world. The process was not overnight, and the old thoughts kept returning every time I saw his catheter filled with blood and his gasping for breath on a respirator. Seeing his body erode into skin and bones…I had to really go through this thought process constantly and many times I was unsuccessful. I just kept at it until I really felt that I was being honest with myself. I knew I was doing all the hishtadlus known to us, and was on the phone to Rav Elyashiv every step of the way. I know that this pain accomplished something for my father and that for some reason I was chosen to be the child to see it the most clearly. In helping him by being there for him I was able to ask mechila for everyone in our family and have him say viduy (before the respirator). I organized tehillim, and acts of chesed on his behalf. Additionally I dealt with the hospital paperwork, doctors and insurance.
My thinking was the cause of all of my suffering and by questioning it and turning it around I was free of the misery and able to be there and be productive. If you read this all the way to the end I hope it is mechazek!
I taught the book Stone Fox to my class. We decided to grow potatoes to understand the story. We finished before Pesach and in all of the prePesach school assemblies, cleaning and preparation I forgot all about the potatoes. When we returned to school the entire building smelled like rotten potatoes. The teachers were called in for a meeting to help discover the culprit of this alleged prank. I realized immediately that this was our class project gone sour and in front of the staff had to admit what happened. Mortified does not quite define the emotion I felt. When the staff realized the hilarious irony of this being caused by a fellow staff member they couldn’t stop laughing. Even the principal was cracking up. It took the janitor several weeks before he would forgive me-he had discovered and removed the bulk of the project…….
It is already nine-nine months to carry a baby….
Also a less expensive and generally time saving alternative is to use a mediator instead of a lawyer. My close friend got divorced a year ago and used a mediator. Their assets were divided fairly and she received fair child support. The mediator’s agreement was accepted by the judge and the court granted the divorce. My friend estimated that she and her ex-husband saved thousands of dollars from their joint assets by paying an effective mediator instead of the outrageous divorce lawyer fees. My attorney cousin is in a practice and told me that it is in the law firm’s best interest to drag out a divorce for more billable hours even though it is not in the best interest of the client. His firm charges for time spent in speaking on behalf of his client to the other attorney-secretarial paperwork, filing, “expenses”, etc…Another friend spent over $300,000 on his divorce over the course of two and a half bitter years and lost his half of his home to pay for it. Do your research well and may Hashem send you the right shaliach!
I was so touched by your post. I can relate to your feelings even though I am a wife. I know this may sound weird, but venting is not what will help you. Turn your thought process around and try to focus on filling yourself up with as much love and emunah as possible. Being kind to your children and good to yourself will help bring you to great heights. Your ex-wife is also deeply hurting and is acting out her pain by denying you what you need. She may eventually be able to let go of her hurt. But her not being able to do so may be a blessing in disguise-perhaps saving you from marrying a woman on the rebound. Give yourself time to heal your pain. There are two places that are wonderful reads: Chabad on Divorce by Rabbi Bulka for practical advice and doing the work of Byron Katie for helping release the pain from your heart. Once you can begin to view your situation in a new way, you will see that the situation will look different from you. Try to concentrate on being one of the growing number of couples who can say they have a succeful divorce. This will utlimately benefit your children and your family!