eclipse

ARIES…i like what you wrote,in particular that a person deserves to be respected”in the way they need to be respected”.The Torah tells us to give tzedakah to a rich man who lost his money even to the point of a horse and runners(or something like that).I also want to explain that a t’mimusdige girl who turns to her husband’s rebbeim/roshei yeshiva/SOME rabbonim)is often not taken seriously.Here are just 3 of countless examples:

1.”HE RAISED HIS FIST,BUT DID HE ACTUALLY HIT YOU?NO?…ALL MEN GET ANGRY LIKE THAT”

2.”HOTLINES?….ARE YOU THIN?”(over phone obviously)

3.”HE’S TRYING HIS BEST!””HE LAUGHS AT YOU CAUSE IT’S A NERVOUS HABIT””YOUR HUSBAND IS A TZADIK”v’choolay,v’choolay

Lest i be misunderstood,every single almana COULD be a tzadaykes!Of course!Just don’t assume that “grushos”are all wierd/bitter CONTAGIOUS….whatever…you know what i’m saying.

To be honest,the red flags are not always obvious during dating(i just gave NEEDIDEAS a composite of a lot of possibilities).many abusers are great while “winning you over”…and horrific only once they have you and you’re stuck.if it was so obvious during dating…that would make us all pretty stupid to get engaged to them.NEEDIDEAS…ASK HASHEM FOR CLARITY AND FORESIGHT AND YOU WILL BE FINE…hashem doesn’t punish someone who is trying his/her best just because they don’t know better…the main reason some of us needed to have those yissurim was the same reason people have any other nisayon…(yes,all those different reasons)that’s why it would be easier if the general public would not just assume all almanos are tzadaykeses and all grushos are monsters who “destroyed their families”…..it’s like telling a cancer patient:”why are you taking all that dumb chemotherapy?Don’t you see what it’s doing to you?”Am i coming across clearly?

but you are100% right that had i had all that ready,the abuser would never have gotten to first base.i was not advised in that direction and did not imagine ever needing it in my wildest nightmares…

Due to a financial crisis,the light at the end of the tunnel has been temporarily cut off.

yanky55:true,but it’s usually the other way around.

blinky:1.they hide in the corners of fitted sheets,in the space between the dryer and the wall,they stay in thw washer and dryer unnoticed and become part of other loads,they get stretched/faded so they don’t look like their original “partner’s”pair anymore,etc.a shidduch crisis indeed.one thing is guaranteed–the day you finally decide to throw out all the unmatched socks “for once and for all”is the day Tante Leah from Detroit calls to tell you “you left a bunch of stuff by me the last time you were here…a bib,a pair of tzitzis…AND A LONG BLUE SOCK”…

huh?

one type of abuse stems from mental illness.that i forgive regularly because it’s clear that person is unwell.the other type stems FROM POOR MIDOS AND A DANGEROUS LAZINESS TO FIX IT(OR RATHER DENIAL).a million times harder to forgive.i beg to differ with your point that you can put on pressure after you’ve forgiven.once you’ve forgiven you will have put it behind you,not still be dwelling on it.the resistance you meet up with trying to stop abuse will just make you mad at OTHER people instead.artchill,have you also found that to be so?

That last paragraph(wiy)was right on target.Most people are not aware of:

A.the “powerful people on the side of the devil”,

B.nor do they realize how isolating it is when former friends are warned and threatened not to stay friendly to you if they know what’s good 4 them.(“I’m sorry,my hands are tied”…”I got a phone call telling me to stay away”etc.)

HOWEVER:EACH PERSON MUST BE ABLE TO LOOK AT HIMSELF IN THE MIRROR AND HONESTLY SAY:I DID WHATEVER I COULD.

if anyone is currently looking for a lyricist…

the ones we wait the longest for are often from the best.

artchill:trust me,i know more about abuse than i want to know.and honestly,i don’t see myself forgiving the abuser anytime soon.but some people say they can forgive(and they may be given credit for that).i personally judge “forgivability” by the degree of damage control.too much damage with zero attempt to repair?impossible.BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN A PERSON HAS NOT”MOVED ON”.IT MEANS A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF PAIN STAYS.KIND OF LIKE A WOUND THAT HEALS WELL– BUT LEAVES A SCAR FOREVER.

well,if you are both female,i’m up for anything i can do from my home.

so right:no,it is not being sold as a dvd,and that is one of the main reasons.also,i was asked by several people to put trailers of the film online,but that also compromises modesty.in general,i have seen more siyata dishmaya when i do things properly.for example about 20 years ago i got a heter to sing an original song i wrote for a male producer (unknown to most) since he hadn’t met me.well needless to say,he listened to the tape,and said “we need to meet to discuss this”.total waste of time,he wasn’t serious about paying me,and stole one of the songs.i never relied on that heter again.20 years later,i would have been confident enough to simply explain what the heter was based on…take it or leave it.

that’s why they say:do teshuva now,avoid the elul rush.nice d’var torah.

how did my post replicate itself?i wish my money would do that!

you sound female but gotta make sure

ramateshkolian: Just clarifying:Overcoming marital abuse is not a midas chasidus—if it’s your nisayon in life,it’s an absolute must.And walking around bitter will affect one’s health.But truly forgiving in your heart is something one can only do at their own pace,and does not mean they have been less successful in overcoming and leading a joyful productive life.I’m a great fan of m.a.–but i never heard of that book”from victim to victor”?maybe that was the title of an article?

emoticon613:you are 100% correct.problem is not everyone realizes that people who seem very kind are sometimes very cruel when no one’s looking,plus it’s very common to hear ple say things like”well,it takes two to tango” and “there’s his side,her side and the truth”etc.To a survivor of an abusive marriage those comments are frustrating.even a person who isn’t perfect isn’t necessarily the cause of a necessary divorce.at least that’s what i have observed in life thus far…

i was told stronger muscles keep the spine straighter…like with a lot of things-no magic solution!

My mother was told she had 2 weeks to live–but that the test results would be ready in 4 weeks!!Anyway,we undertook tznius, tefilah, and shmiras haloshon with a passion…and had our dear mother for almost a year…i do remember my mother asking for us to daven that no matter the pain,etc.she should never lose her ahavas hashem.i admire all of you going thru it…surviving and yet still enduring the many littler tzaros that follow(ex.insensitive comments,loss of memory,etc.)MAY HASHEM SHOWER ONLY HAPPINESS AND GOOD HEALTH UPON YOU…IT’S A NEW YEAR..ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.

HashemLovesYou: The poster prob. meant UNTIL after their[sic]married.(sic means that’s the way he said/wrote it- not that it’s “sick”!)P.S.THEY’RE is also what he meant.

(sigh…)I am happy to hear the temimus in all of your words.

It is clear,however,that few or none of you have been involved with serious emotional/psychological abuse in the marriage you are/were in…it is far from simple…AND ONE PERSON HAVING HORRIFIC AND CRUEL MIDOS does not automatically make the other partner “selfish”,”egotistical”or equally responsible for the crumbling of the marriage. Some of those victims are traumatized to the degree that they would rather remain alone than risk possibly suffering that kind of degradation ever again.(sigh…sad,but true)