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I know some non-Jews who use more American-sounding names as opposed to their own, and they’ve never corresponded. Satayund goes by Alex, and Mohammed goes by Shawn. As for Jews, I find that not only do the names generally correspond (or at least start with the same letter) but there are certain pairs that seem to always go together. The 2 I can think of off the top of my head: Most Baruchs I know go by Brian and most Mordechais I know go by Marc (when at work or around people who can’t pronounce the ‘ch’ properly).
Smartcookie- WRT the 4th point you make, there’s actually something called the “marshmallow test”- You give the child a marshmallow (or whatever other treat) and leave the room for 5 minutes. You tell the child that they have a choice- they can eat it while you’re gone, or they can wait until you come back and get another one. There is nothing wrong with eating it right away, just that they will miss out on the opportunity to have a second treat. You can google video results for the “marshmallow test”, they actually have videos of kids trying really hard to resist and it’s cute and kinda funny too. Anyway, it is a lesson in delayed gratification for younger children.
It’s hard to say without knowing what you mean by “doing something wrong”. Does “wrong” mean mistreating the children, or does it mean sending the children to a school you don’t like? There’s very little that you can or should bring up with an adult child. You don’t have to stay silent, but if you do speak up, it must be within the context of giving advice- which your child may feel free to disregard. You cannot and should not tell your married kids how to live their lives. You can give them your opinion, phrased respectfully, and with full acknowledgment that they may ignore it. It’s hard to hear, but it’s all you can do.
The younger the child, the more of a difference a few months can make. Let’s say you have a September 1 cutoff (as was at my school and the schools my siblings attend now)- so the kids with the September birthdays are the oldest and those with August birthdays are the youngest. Well, in 8th grade, there’s very little practical difference the oldest and the youngest. In 3-year-old nursery though, the developmental differences could be enormous. In that scenario,our September-born child almost certainly has better-developed language and motor skills, and is likely completely potty trained, whereas the August born child will almost certainly be less developed and newer to the potty scene. Holding back won’t make up for that- if the child isn’t ready at that age, they should be kept home another year and be placed in the correct grade the next year.
BP Totty- You don’t need a frum hotel. Most hotels have rooms with two beds. You just have to remember to ask for such a room. Sad to say, but people often forget about such details as halacha.
Smartcookie- who says you have a “beautiful, new home” to go home to? We couldn’t even FIND an apartment until 2 days before; by the time the lease was signed, gas and electricity turned on, and whatever else was bare minimum for the place to be ready to occupy, it was 2 weeks after the wedding. And even then, we had not not a stick of furniture at that point, save for 2 mattresses. We lived with my mother for those first 2 weeks. With 4 younger siblings there, husband’s parents from out of town, and no apartment, it was simply impractical to spend our first night anywhere other than a hotel. It was in a comfortable, quiet, private location, no one could bother us, and we had some good, calm alone time following the chaos of the huge wedding we’d just had. What’s wrong with that?
emoticon613- that’s exactly my point. I also don’t want to play around with issurei kares. But we can still be melamed zchus knowing that there are parts that are ok and maybe they think they know where they can go and where they can’t. As for you and I, do we have to trust that they got it right (seeing as they’re NOT R’ Elyashiv or R’ Kanievsky etc)? NO! I certainly won’t be taking my chances relying on these people. I just think that before howling our condemnation, we need to be aware that the issue is not as clear cut as it seems.
The problem isn’t that it’s totally issur. There is no question that there are parts of Har HaBayis that one can go to even nowadays. However, we are not entirely sure of the boundaries. Dealing with issurei kares, you don’t want to play with those fuzzy boundaries…
I don’t really know what to advise in this situation, but I am surprised at how many people think that the wife might be reading too much into the requisite friendliness that comes with the job of being a manager. I don’t know about other women, but I can tell the difference between polite friendliness and inappropriate friendliness. I had a situation where I felt a male coworker was a little creepy. Other male coworkers would say hi, how are you, how’s the baby and I’ve had no problem with that. This guy was trying to get too personal. I spoke with my feet. Every time he came over, I walked away. That sent a loud and clear message, and he backed off. What this guy had been doing was not enough to warrant filing a complaint, but I felt uncomfortable so i did what I had to do (it’s possible that by secular standards I overreacted, but those are not the standards I’m concerned with…) What I mean by all this is that while I may not be able to stand up in a court of law and swear that this guy did something wrong, my intuition told me that he was being wayyyy too friendly; there really is a difference and you can definitely tell. I would not discount the OP’s wife’s feeling’s. If she is feeling uncomfortable, there is likely a good reason for it and she needs to do something about it. I agree that she probably should not get this guy fired, but she does need to get him to back off.
Just wondering: Do the amounts really come up to 150k? What ever happened to a down payment and a mortgage? If you’re putting 150 as the DOWN, at least by American standards of how much is generally put down, we are talking about one heckuva dira.
Job market for education is the worst its been in DECADES. I am stuck in a similar position. Wolf- yes, schools have placement offices. But those can only do so much when there’s nowhere to place…
Kapusta- not sure if you’re responding to me, but I said nothing about major works. I’ve seen kids using Harry Potter, the Twilight series, and trashy thrillers (I work in a public school). Lehavdil, frum kids could certainly use BY Times, or those Feldheim novels. I haven’t heard the Megillas Esther one, but if that’s true, ok. But the fact is, you need write about TWO books and they have to relate to the quote (or, rather, your interpretation of the quote). Your best chance of coming up with 2 relevant books is to read lots of books!
Math, science history- practice the questions. English is trickier because it asks you to write 4 essays. Although you should certainly look over the test to get an idea of what it’s like, the only way to really prepare for it is by writing essays! Also, read a lot, because one of the essays will ask you to relate 2 books to a statement. The more you read, the easier it will be to think of 2 books that relate.
Also, visit regentsprep.org for more tips and old tests.
I get really uncomfortable when people say segulos “aren’t real” or “aren’t Jewish”. They are very real, brought down by Chazal and other holy sources (such as Ari). That a lot of people use segulos the wrong way or miss the point entirely, or that many “segulos” are entirely made up is not a reflection on the power or meaning behind real segulos. At the end of the day, you need to be zoch to the yeshua, whatever it may be. There’s nothing magical about, say, the words of Parshas HaMon. The idea is that by saying it, you should come to understand that Hashem is the one who sustains us each day and gives us what we need, no more no less; by coming to that understanding, you may be zoche to more parnossah (or at least to finding a way to make do with what you’ve got). Same idea for say, Amuka or Kever Rochel. They are not magical places, but rather the sites of righteous people who had trouble marrying/having children. This should spur people to do tshuva, daven harder, and ask Hashem to remember them as He remembered our ancestors. Someone already mentioned the idea behind davening for someone else in need of the same thing, and that holds true as well. Segulos are not some sort of golden ticket to all the things we want; they are ways of helping us improve ourselves so that we might deserve those yeshuos more than we would otherwise.
boredstiff- either you don’t have kids or you’ve never had to drive your baby somewhere alone. Babies may not be walking around the car, but they can shriek pretty loudly, even to the point where you need to pull over. It can be tempting also to turn around and look at them in that situation. Accidents have happened where a driver was paying too much attention to the kid and not enough to the road.
boredstiff- 2 points: If dogs in cars are so much of a problem, what about babies in cars? That can be distracting too. Should we stop allowing people to drive around with babies?
Also (and this is the real issue) I have never heard of any problems with dogs, and if there are, the evidence seems anecdotal at best. Cell phones (talking, texting, using in any other way) have been PROVEN to be at least as dangerous as driving drunk. There have been numerous studies done on this, including one that showed that the reaction time and reflexes of someone using a phone are as impaired as those of someone whose BAC is just over the legal limit. It has been demonstrated again and again: DON’T USE YOUR PHONE WHILE DRIVING. If you absolutely MUST take that call/text/check the planner etc, and for some reason it just can’t wait until you get to where you’re going, PULL OVER. It’s so simple, and it’s just not worth the risk of injury or death (c’v) for yourself or others.
I would agree that what we need is more awareness and understanding of the disease (and eating disorders are indeed DISEASES and should be treated as such). That story about the teacher accusing the girl of “looking for attention”- that can only stem from ignorance. The teacher is not a bad person, she simply does not understand that anorexia is not just “acting out” and it’s not going to stop or go away because of tough love, reward/punishment or any other general educational tool; it is a disease and needs to be dealt with by experienced professionals (another important point brought up is the need for more frum experts in this area). No parent or teacher should try to take care of it alone.
The other big misconception is that there is some ’cause’ behind it that we can address. While there are FACTORS that can push someone over the edge (such as the need to be a certain size for shidduch purposes), there is no one cause. Every girl is pressured to be skinny, but very few actually develop eating disorders (I know it doesn’t seem that way, but the numbers really are pretty low). Just like eating disorders won’t go away with coaxing and cajoling, they won’t go away even if we did stop focusing on appearances.
May HKBH send a refuah shelaima to to all those suffering from this terrible disease!
Very cute. Here’s a related email that I received:
The difference between Democrats and Republicans
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn’t really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, ‘How is your friend Audrey doing?’ She replied, ‘Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2 .0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She’s always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn’t even show up for classes because she’s too hung over.’
Her wise father asked his daughter, ‘Why don’t you go to the Dean’s office and ask him to deduct 1.0 o ff your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.’
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father’s suggestion, angrily fired back, ‘That’s a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I’ve worked really hard for my grades! I’ve invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!’
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, ‘Welcome to the Republican party.’
Charlie- you’re right, but that was all part of the larger “morality issue” because regular Xtians viewed polygamy as immoral, right up there with gambling and drinking which were the other behaviors that many people wanted to eradicate.
Interesting piece of US history: The Western states (such as Wyoming and Utah) were among the first to grant women’s suffrage, nearly 60 years before it became federal law. Among the reasons at the time were that the female vote was the only way to tame the rampant immoral behavior going on in the wild west, the assumption being that the women, who were the paragons of home and family values, were needed to vote for politicians who would be tough on bad behavior. It turned out to be true- in states where women were given the vote, tough laws against vices were passed and strictly enforced while lawlessness and chaos continued in those that did not.
I don’t know where halacha fits into all this, nor can I say that the logic of the 1860’s would apply today (if anything, it seems that today’s women would be more likely to vote for abortion rights than for morality), but it is certainly an interesting point to ponder.
What frightens me the most is that with all the pundits talking, and all the ink spilled on this issue (much of which I have read) is that I STILL have no idea what exactly is written in this bill! It seems to me that some elected officials are trying to pull a fast one here. I’m all for changing the system and getting as many people as possible insured, but how do they plan on going about this? I just hope we don’t go the way of Canada.
We used to be of the anti-hotel variety. We both always stayed home, and while it was hard (helping with all the cleaning and other preparations) we received some very valuable chinuch about Pesach, and the proper way to approach mitzvos in general. We’ve always felt that doing things the convenient way really causes one to miss out on certain important aspects of the chag. I haven’t made Pesach myself yet. In two years of marriage, this is going to be the third one- the first was spent with my parents, second with hubby’s. Well, as it turns out, I’m due smack in the middle of Pesach. It’s pretty difficult for me to move around at this point and neither set of parents is particularly interested in having to wait on me hand and foot while I lay on the couch like a big lump (not to mention, my in-laws are out of town and traveling that far in my condition is problematic). This would be the first time that my mother would have to do things without me. So yes, this year we are going to a hotel (us and my parents). It feels kind of weird and we’re a little nervous about the new experience. I still feel that it’s better to do it yourself, but at least I now know that there are legitimate reasons why sometimes you might not be able to. I, for one, am now very glad that the hotel option exists.
Personal stories for the OP:
Dated my husband for 4 months. Got lots of “nu’s” from 2 months on for those who saw us as shlepping along; got plenty of “but how can you be so sure after just 4 months?!” from others who thought we were rushing into things. We didn’t feel comfortable getting engaged after 6, 7, or even 12 weeks, so we didn’t; at four months, we felt confident enough and that there was no reason to continue dating. Result? Happily married nearly 2 years, eagerly anticipating a very special simcha very soon 🙂
Other stories: A couple we know got engaged after the usual 6 dates despite serious reservations by both of them; they were divorced within 6 months. Another couple we know started dating when they were seniors in high school (more MO, they met through NCSY), dated through that year, year in Israel, and 2 years of college. Once you tallied all that, in addition to the engagement, they were together for close to 5 years before actually getting married. They were divorced even quicker than the other aforementioned couple.
Moral of the 3 above stories: Pretty much what everyone else has been saying. You have to go according to your own pace, and it’s probably better to stay away from extremes on either side.
Given how crowded some of these rallies can get, it would probably be better for girls to stay home unless there’s a mechitza up or something. Or maybe we should ONLY allow girls to go and make the men stay home, since too many men don’t know how to behave in a protest situation…
So much to say, much of it already said by others…
I am one of those young people, every other week we hear of another divorce r’l, either one of my friends or one of my husband’s friends…
I have 2 bits of advice, they sound a little contradictory, but I like to think of them as two sides of the same coin.
#1: Have someone older OTHER THAN your parents who you can go to for advice. Of course your parents are important and you should listen to what they have to say, but you have to remember that when it comes to your shidduchim, they too are ‘nogeah b’dovar” and they too can have clouded judgment. It is a good idea to have another adult you can talk to for a true “third party” perspective that may see things that both you and your parents may miss.
#2: You have to know yourself, what you’re looking for, and what you’re comfortable with. If you are seriously uncomfortable with something- the person, how fast things are moving etc- DO NOT allow others to discount that or to pressure you to do something you don’t want to do. Marriage is serious business, and it is HARD WORK (how pathetically unprepared most of our peers are for marriage is another discussion that requires its own thread).
Many people above have suggested that part of the problem is that couples aren’t dating for long enough. I agree- but only to an extent. We know plenty of couples who got engaged in 6-8 weeks who ended up divorced in as many months. Should those couples have waited longer to get engaged? Probably. But we also know plenty of couples who met in NCSY in high school and dated for 3-4 years, or people who didn’t want to decide too quickly who dated for a year or 2, and these couples were divorced just as quickly as the ones who dated for “too little” time. My point is, you have to do what’s right for yourself. If you’re still unsure 2 months in, don’t go and get engaged just because everyone is telling you that you ought to know by now. Conversely, don’t drag things out an extra 6 months just because everyone around you is saying that there is no way you can make such a monumental decision in only 2 months. The extra time can hurt things too (as in, after investing all that time, people decide to go ahead despite reservations because they don’t like the idea of having wasted so much time on one person). Again, you have to work according to your own comfort level. Chanoch l’naar al pi darko really needs to be applied to shidduchim as well.
Of course, all the other things that people have said about middos, hashkafah, maturity etc apply as well. But I think that’s all included in my points: if you have that outside mentor and you move according to a pace that’s comfortable for you, you should be able to sort out those essential aspects and avoid getting too far into a doomed relationship.
volvie- we actually had the minhag to eat apple pies, peach pies, blueberry pies, cream pies, you name it.
also, for those who don’t like math so much, you can throw pies at your math teachers 🙂
I don’t attribute any holiness to the Israeli government essentially for the reasons you list as well as a few others. I view them as a secular government that happens to be mostly comprised of Jews. That being said, they are better than the alternative. Were it not for a Jewish government in charge, you probably would not have the privilege of living in EY at all, much less in a yishuv. Be grateful that any Jew who wants to can come to EY with far less hassle than they would encounter going anywhere else; be grateful that you have the privilege of living in a dominant Jewish society where, despite all the secularism, our holidays are the national holidays and Shabbos is a day off. Do you realize what it means not to have to explain to your boss why you need to leave early on Fridays and why you need to take approximately 2 weeks worth of leave every year for various holidays? You can walk around in August in a black hat or a long skirt and tichel and nobody thinks you’re weird. Be grateful that in December, you don’t have to shield your kids from the fat man in the red suit. Be grateful that you can daven in dozens of the holiest places there are pretty much whenever you please. None of this would be possible without Jews in charge, even if those Jews sometimes do bad things or hurt frum interests. My husband and I hope and pray that we will have the zchus to permanently move there in the next couple of years (if Moshiach doesn’t come before then). You are incredibly lucky to already have that zchus, and you should acknowledge that the Israeli government, upsetting as they may be at times, has a significant hand in that.
estherh- I don’t think anyone actually uses the cards in lieu of the mitzvah. The mitzvah is to give 2 prepared food items to 1 person. Once you’ve been yotzei by giving to 1 person, why not give cards to the others on your list?
A lot of people can’t really afford more than the basics these days and by giving someone a card, you cut out that awkwardness that comes with not giving to someone who gave to you or otherwise expects something from you. Also, I don’t know about everyone else, but the LAST thing I need is 87 baskets full of chometzdik treats a month before Pesach…
Here’s my two cents: Parents are older and wiser and should be relied upon for advice and guidance. But at the end of the day, it is the child who is getting married and therefore the child’s decision to make. Also, although every parent loves and wants the best for their child, they are not objective and can have judgment that is just as skewed as that of an infatuated youth. There is a reason why halacha does not obligate a child to marry the parents’ choice.
Like most of the posters, I will say that this is a tough call without more information about the specifics of the case. If the child needs so much therapy that his schedule will be significantly disrupted several days a week, he probably belongs in a special program that can truly work with him and accommodate his needs. If it’s a matter of once a week, I think the yeshiva should figure out a way to make it work.
As an aside, a yeshiva needs to remember that they are dealing with Jewish neshamos, which can be r’l wounded or lost because of bad decisions. I know of a family that is somewhat observant and was on the fence about whether or not to send their kids to yeshiva. They seriously considered a local yeshiva that seemed right for the kids and the family and it was all set up until the school informed them that they absolutely could not accommodate the PT schedule of one of the children (who is in a wheelchair). The parents tried to negotiate, move things around, make it work, etc, but the school didn’t even want to talk, they just said no. Did the family send their other 2 kids to this yeshiva while finding another placement for the wheelchair-bound one? NO! The experience was enough to scare them away from yeshiva forever. The kids went to public school and are now not even marginally observant. They have no interest in Judaism and their chances of marrying Jewish are depressingly slim. I don’t think the yeshiva is entirely to blame, but I’m sure they would at least rethink their decision if they could see this family now.